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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

DW wants to leave me

54 replies

sireni1 · 25/08/2016 03:46

I have been with DW 23 years, married 13. After another huge row the other day she has told me that she does not think she loves me anymore and that she has to think about what is best for DC and probably go.
Never done this before but i need another perspective especially female.
I love her more than i can explain and her leaving will break my heart.
It appears i am to blame as i do not fully engage in family life, i work long hours am the only bread winner, we have large family commitments, i run a business employing others..all this leads to massive stress on my part, find it difficult to switch off and calm down at home and head is not where it should be. Having said that i do do things with kids at weekend, take them places etc and love them dearly. I am not an abusive husband, not emotionally controlling or financially i earn it and hand it all over to a joint account and spend none on myself.
To summerise. apparently i don;t think of the family as i have missed some family engagements. My wife swares blind that she reminded me but did not, i can do not right i am always being critised i work 60 hour weeks then get berated for cleaning at the weekend as i am trying to make a point...point is our house is a mess and i cannot tell her this as critisim is not tolerated

What do i do?
sorry for grammar and sp.

OP posts:
SpecialAgentSpartacusRoars · 27/08/2016 02:53

I think the problem is, sometimes there simply is no going back. Sometimes, it just is too little, too late, regardless of who is at fault.

MindSweeper · 27/08/2016 02:54

OP have you been drinking tonight? Sorry if you haven't, but if you have I'd suggest sleeping on this, discussing the counselling, as well as counselling yourself and going from there. My last reply here so I wish you the best of luck

MindSweeper · 27/08/2016 02:54

counselling for yourself i mean, as an individual alongside the couples one*

SpecialAgentSpartacusRoars · 27/08/2016 02:56

If the 'silly thing' was you cheated, a lot of women will explain to you that the damage was done then, and your wife feels brave enough to leave now. Just because she accepted it at the time, it does not mean she ever forgave you.

If my sons or daughter called me named and farted in my face, I wouldn't be amused, I'd try to be a better parent Confused

Original poster
sireni1 · 27/08/2016 02:56

Agent

Thats what really worries me!

OP posts:
Original poster
sireni1 · 27/08/2016 02:58

Mindsweeper

No its just one hell of a week with very little sleep feeling like i am 15 again and being dumped by my girlfriend. That perhpas sounds weak and pathtic but its the only point of refernce i have!

soz for spelling its a nightmare for me.

OP posts:
SpecialAgentSpartacusRoars · 27/08/2016 03:02

Being upset at a marriage breakdown is hardly pathetic, it's likely the normative.

However, if you're wanting a guideline on how to win your wife back, there is none. I do suggest you think honestly about how long she tried to tell you things weren't good before saying I'm leaving you.

It's one thing to want to change now, but how many years has she begged, and cried, and begged for the change you're now willing to do? She may well have decided you never listened, she does not trust you to truly change, or she does not love you anymore.

However, she could also be emotionally abusive, you haven't provided us with a real frame of reference, like events, examples etc.

Original poster
sireni1 · 27/08/2016 03:03

Agent

No i have never cheated. I wake up every morning and look at her face before i whisper in her ear cup of tea! in a very enoying way.....the most lucky man alive. My best friend always said to me..What the fuck does she see in you! But then he ended in saying what the fuck do you see in her!

One word of advice..If your kids cannot fart in your face....whos face can they fart in!
They are the one truly great thing of my life. perfect buetiful beings!

OP posts:
Original poster
sireni1 · 27/08/2016 03:04

Agent

Every year we had an argument. Then last week i was told i may not love you and want to leave.. I am open with my feelings..to me this was the most devastating news you can posibly imagine.

OP posts:
SpecialAgentSpartacusRoars · 27/08/2016 03:08

So you had twenty three years to change.

Sorry, if you want support on her leaving, we'll help you. But she's going.

Original poster
sireni1 · 27/08/2016 03:08

Agent

You last sentence is interesting. I think this was my friends view point. They thought that she was controlling. Emotionally she has the legs on me. I see things through a very simple prisim. i love/like them or not. I do not understand people very well. HOwever i have to run quite a large business which means you have to make judgements about people...in this i am very rarely proved wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
sireni1 · 27/08/2016 03:12

Agent

You might be correct

The thing is i know i cannot change. However the man she fell in love with is still in there. Trouble is he has had the sit kicked out of him.

Interstingly since this happened i hhave seen a whole new side to me. Which i actually like. I realise i can be a petty judgemental bastard with everyone...this has made me reavaluate this.

OP posts:
PiSeas · 27/08/2016 03:17

mind he may be the one being abused. But, cynically, I doubt it. Read what siren said. Properly. DWe said he does not engage wit has kids. siren admitted
Sadly I did not book it, however I am a willing participant.
I would be the first to admit that I have contributed to how she feels toward me
You've been with this woman for 23 years. You're coming across as emotionally immature - you just about admitted you could have left DW and kids for your "hedonistic" lifestyle. Like you're trying to prove you had options but decided to stay with your wife and kids.

I'm not putting words in your mouth. This is your language.

mind I bet you're a really lovely person, but seriously how are you falling for this drivel?

I am, the first to say I hate how men are treated on this forum. But this "man" has told you what he is. He's a narcissistic man chIld. Look at his words. He's told you all you need to know of him.
I would love to see Mrs siren view on this

SpecialAgentSpartacusRoars · 27/08/2016 03:23

Yes, I seriously doubt he's being emotionally abused either Mind. I just think it's worth at least mentioning.

But you had twenty three years to change. You chose not too. You cannot really be upset if she's done believing you will change.

Original poster
sireni1 · 27/08/2016 03:23

I can perhaps see how you may see me as a man child. I would say in my defence that the negative things i have said of myslef are not all my opinions of me but what my DW sometimes thinks of me.
All i want is to make her happy. Give my family a happy life... I really actually don;t give much attention to my needs because i know there are more important people to think...1.. my kids 2. my wife... 3. the dog.. 4 me

OP posts:
KingofnightvisionKingofinsight · 27/08/2016 03:24

OP you may or may not realize but you are painting yourself as an amazing catch who deigns to give your wife the time of day. You say you are taking equal blame but every other sentence is something negative about her. The rest are humblebrags about what a martyr you are. Frankly I couldn't live with that either.

PiSeas · 27/08/2016 03:29

Every time you post a little more of the real you spills out. And it's ugly.
I truly hope,for her sake and her own self worth, that your DW leaves you and finds herself the strength and self worth to leave your immature arse.

SpecialAgentSpartacusRoars · 27/08/2016 03:29

Humblebrags.

i am so stealing that!

Original poster
sireni1 · 27/08/2016 03:30

No

Not amazing catch i hope just a normal decent person trying to do the right thing. Implying that i am angling for a hook kind of misses the point of my previous posts. Look for someone like me coming on here is really hard. i am trying to put a balanced view out here so i can get some helpful views about how to save my marriage. I kno w better than most that if i were a woman i would [perhaps find life with me a little tricky! But i have two fantasittic kids and a wife that desrve to have a grat famile life with me TOGETHER. So please give me some help here to make that happen!

OP posts:
PiSeas · 27/08/2016 03:43

Yeah, I think she's checked out. You are so blind - try looking past yourself and bloody read your posts from your wifes POV.
His own earth do you think it's OK to let your girlfriends / friends talk about your wife like that.

I bet, you my last £ that this gfcf.

Original poster
sireni1 · 27/08/2016 03:50

Piseas

thanks for all your help.. I think perhaps you missing the point.

OP posts:
SpecialAgentSpartacusRoars · 27/08/2016 03:59

Yeah, allowing your friends too insult your wife like that..

Original poster
sireni1 · 27/08/2016 04:11

Sorry i cannot stop my friends giving their opinion however much i may not like it.. Also you might want to bare in mind these friends are either all women or gay men so its not exactly a mosoginists chin wag.

Non of my male friends would ever dare to slag my wife off...Its just not done!

OP posts:
brightspark2 · 27/08/2016 06:09

Your friends will have opinions based on your moans about your wife - they will obviously have colours their viewpoint. What was the silly thing that happened? How do you 'date' your wife - treat her as your lover not your housewife and mother? Does she not work? Because housework is soul destroying mind numbing drudgery - how often do you do the grunt work at home so she can have some 'her time'? Could you not buy in a cleaner since that is so important so you and your wife could enjoy each other as well as the kids? While you push for the counselling appointment... When is it?

Original poster
sireni1 · 27/08/2016 08:05

Very careful to not moan to others. Have seen the corrosive effect!

I have suggested a cleaner.

counselling is a couple of weeks away.

OP posts: