Ex filing for residency ..advice

[glitterwhip]

Hi I'm kinda new and I don't really have anyone else to ask from advice about this and is love to hear from some mums who've been through it
Anyway background I was with my ex for 12 years, we have 3 children...we split up 7 years ago
Currently I'm in a relationship with a wonderful guy and we are getting married in a week and also at the end of the month I'm moving to England..at the moment I'm in Northern Ireland
The relationship between my ex and I had not been great, a history of him maliciously contacting social services..they would come for a visit and ultimately just close the case
Now the latest thing is applying for residency 3 weeks before in due to move with my family
He's known for 6 months+ about this move as I sent him a letter via my solicitor outlining my plans and offering him alternative contact arrangements
Obviously I'm quite worried and I'm wondering should I be worried? Is there a chance he'll get residency of my children ..they are 16, 13 and 9

But the father is going for residency to prevent the OP from removing the children. He cannot dictate whether she can or can't leave the country, but he does have a say in whether his children do.

The fact here is that he currently has regular contact with his children. Whether he would be fit to be a resident parent is debatable, but he does still have contact with the DC, and any move on the part of the OP would be detrimental to that contact.

People are far too quick to state that "well, the father only sees them every two weeks so is obviously a crap father and thus it's perfectly OK to let the relationship between him and the children die," conclusion. No parent should be in a position to state that (and I realise that it is others on the thread who have said this rather than the OP.).

And OP no-one said you were deliberately trying to limit your ex's contact with the DC, but the truth is that the instant you decided to move to another country to be with your partner, the implication of that is that the children's contact with their father will become limited.

As an aside, I'm amazed that children who are of an age where one will be in GCSE year and the other will just be going into a GCSE year are so happy to move to another country, away from all their friends etc.

Wannabe I would have thought his fitness to be a resident parent would be extremely relevant since his intentions are to apply for residency

Also a few posters did suggest my reasons were selfish ones and I felt the need to justify that
My eldest daughter is finished her GCSEs and is waiting for results and has applied for further education colleges here ..she has the option to stay if she wished or look at education in England
My son is only just starting his gsce years in September, he's also extremely bright, fantastic at science, easy going and doesn't find making friends difficult I don't feel he'd be disadvantaged..he's been excited for the move

Many dc change school at the start of their gcse years to 14 plus schools in fairness. My own dd is starting a 14 plus school in September.

You may have to make the children, especially the younger two available twice a month if that's the current arrangement. Big big focus on ensuring chilldren have the rights to a relationship with their father - even not a great one. His lack of financial support might hold some sway, as might your eldest children's wishes.

My best friend lives abroad in a country that has the UK legal system as its basis - but a few years behind the times in family law. His exwife applied to take their children abroad to live with her new husband - 250k court case later she got her way - and he by contrast was a very involved and loving dad, saw them every day - unlike your children's father. He's now paying through the nose for theirprivate ed & a pretty extravagant lifestyle half way round the world. He sees them in the summer, alternate Christmases and whenever he can take a long haul flight with accompanying hotel/car hire ie not often. The kids are very damaged by it all - you can't hug Skype.

His solicitor/barrister were as confident as they could be permission for removal would be denied. They were wrong. Ultimatejy court believed her promises and decided on two things a) his exW mental health being damaged if she weren't allowed to leave b) new husband's wealth & ability to support them. My best friend would have done better to have returned to the UK and fought it here.

Fwiw - I think you will need to show how it would work with little or no detrimental impact to the children's r/ship with their father. Your ex might have only realised he can stop you or indeed only planned to put up a (token) protest last minute - it doesn't sound he's really prepared or set up for having them - but the court will be minded to foster your children's relationship with their father.

Have you got a plan B in place. It this goes though court even if you get leave to remove the children it will take a considerable amount of time. Depending on whether it ends up in a higher court I would estimate at least a year or two.
Also there will be considerable cost unless you are entitled to legal aid.
Can your son return to his old school and will he get a place in his gcse choices?

I'm hearing a lot of mixed views ...I suppose I'll have to wait and see at this point ..the whole situation to me seems like he really just wants to throw a spanner in the works rather than a genuine attempt or concern for the children considering the length of time he's had to make arrangements he hasn't done anything
For example ..he's had ample time to find adequate housing ..as it stands when my children visit my daughter gets the bedroom and the boys and himself sleep on a sofa bed and a pullout camping thing Iv never seen the set up so I'm only going off what my children tell me
If he's serious about this why hasn't he made any attempt to rectify at least this situation in the time he's been given
It just seems ridiculous

I never made a plan b so I feel like the rug has been swept out from under me really

If he is renting and on benefits he will not be entitled to a bigger flat or house (assuming he is nihe or housing associarion). Renting a three bedroomed private place will be prohibitively expensive and housing benefit will only cover a very small part of it unless he has the Children most of the time.
These issues are very difficult to resolve and court is usually the last resort.

He's claiming benefits and working..it's not like he's paying maintenance why can he use some of his fraudulently earned cash to pay rent on a bigger property if he was so concerned with the wellbeing of his children..that's been my point ..his actions aren't those of a man whose intentions are in the best interests of the children

Your partners job is so easily portable, it would be so much less disruptive for him to find a job near you and move. You haven't lived together, what if the reality of living with you and your three children doesn't work for you both after 6 months? What would you do then?

The least disruptive option should really be the first move. Spend some time on the step parenting board. Families often really struggle once everyone moves in together.

Agree with lunar, it's a massive step to move yourself and three children to live with someone you've never lived with before.

How much time do you actually spend together given you live so far apart anyway?

The residency issue aside it would make much more sense for your DP to move to be with you rather than the other way around. He could rent out his house to cover his mortgage.

We've been together 5 years, we've spent loads of time together as a family during quite stressful times..and tbh I don't feel like I need to justify my relationship, my partner has supported me and my children through the last 5 years and has been a brilliant step parent..my partner supported me and my daughter through her bullying and school refusals..he's been subjected to police checks and other questions by social service because my ex went through a period of ringing them up once a week with a complaint about me ..if that's not someone who's committed to the long haul I don't know what is

We are both adults..we've discussed the move for really 5 years and one of the reasons I didn't rush was because I needed to be sure my partner could handle family life essentially ..he can and more ..you aren't saying anything we both haven't considered and discussed at length

Just to answer your question we spend every weekend together and every holiday that he has ..which would be exactly the same when we are living together
The only difference being we'd be saving considerably on the cost of flights etc

It's a really tough one when its two involved parents and moving on in their lives throw up these kinds of issues but seriously folks one of the kids is on the cusp of adulthood anyway and it feels to me that the father just hasn't tried hard to be as much of a daily parent figure as he could be.
To the poster who said you can't judge a parent just because he/she only sees the child(ren) once a fortnight/a month - granted and agree but only if that is out of the parents control (job etc) - if someone could see them more often then he should...would be the case if they hadn't split up.
I am not saying the guy doesn't love his kids or is a total deadbeat - or anything like that - I just rankle at this insistence both the mum and the kids need to facilitate his relationship with them - he needs to own it. I guess it's because I've been a kid in that scenario and it's stressful, confusing and emotional to manage both sides of a relationship when you are still a kid - my dad didn't seem to consider how it felt to be 10 and having to choose my words carefully not to upset him or accept his reproaches if I hadn't called him or written enough etc

So the time spent together won't change? Presumably then he works away during the week?

So you're the one making the sacrifices, uprooting your children from their schools, their friends, and now facing a possible legal challenge from your ex and his life is going to stay exactly the same...

Sorry but given that the only benefit of this new arrangement is that you won't be paying flight costs there is no way I would be moving.

That's extremely unfair wannabe since Iv already said further down the thread that I feel our quality of life will be greatly improved..I didn't make the decision lightly and to be perfectly frank we've been paying for fights back and forth for 5 years so if it was truly all about saving money surely I'd have gone years ago!
We've built a home over there, we'll be married in a weeks time and I don't think it's unreasonable to want to live as a family with my new husband and provide a better life for them in new place

glitter for those that believe relationship with Dad is more important than anything and depriving a child of that is the worst thing as a mum you can possibly do, you are going to have trouble persuading them you are anything other than a vicious contact blocker.

There are a lot of them on mumsnet and a few in the court system too. Life'so not really like that though and I'm really life there are a lot of things more important than a flaky Dads relationship with their child.

you're not going to make everyone see that though so just focus on the people who really matter

Have you enquired about mediation? I assume that once you are married your new husband's income is taken into account re possible legal aid? If your ex is on benedits he will be etitled to legal aid as it covers one of the areas where this is still available in family law cases.

I can see I'm not going to convince anyone but that's not what I'm here for ..I didn't expect to have to defend my decision and my partner really but I'm sure I'll need to do enough of that in court if it gets to that

Iv just been on the phone to my solicitor..currently neither she nor myself have been officially served with anything so I can't apply for legal aid in order to defend it ..all that's known is that there is a provisional court date of 16th August ..we both feel that it's deliberate time wasting tactics also I'll be married by then and i won't be entitled to legal aid which I'm sure was another deliberate move on their part

fuckyoucanceryoucuntingknob yes the OP does need her ex's permission to move because she is moving outside the jurisdiction to another country.

It's not the same as moving to another town where he could seek a prohibited steps order to stop her, where both parents have PR you cannot remove the children out of the jurisdiction for more than 30 days without consent from the other parent.

Well to clarify Iv been on the phone with my solicitor today as it seems papers were served to her today so I have an appointment on Monday

Also Iv asked her explicitly if I need his permission ..I don't at all..her advice was move as planned but that I'll need to come back for any court appearances so I don't know where your getting your information wannabe as 2 separate solicitors have now told me the same thing