No money for two households - how do people do it??

[Maggy1116]

Hi, I am on the brink of a separation - currently having counselling but I can't see a way the marriage can continue - we have come to the end of the road.
There are no big arguments, things are amicable, and we have 4 children, so we must keep it that way. Husband is a fantastic father and it is so important for the sake of the children and all of us that this remains just a very sad situation, not a hostile one.
But money is a huge issue - DH is the major breadwinner, my career was hammered by taking time out for the children and I currently earn about £12K per year.
But anyway, every penny that we earn leaves straightaway - on the mortgage, bills, children etc. There is no way either of us could find extra cash to set up two separate households.
So what the hell are we supposed to do? I have no idea how to move forward, and am very frightened both by my own financial vulnerability, and by the need for us not to fall out over money, for the sake of the children.
How do people out there do it?

Interestingly we had a section 7 report as part of the child care arrangements and social services went on and on about my 12 year old and 5 year old sharing but nobody seems to care that that is what happens with the rates of housing benefit and rents being so high. According to them I need a five bedroomed house, but no solutions as to how to achieve that were forthcoming from anybody

Stability for the children feels like the best option , mostly because we assume they will fear change, but they do cope well.

Your oldest could be going to Uni in 2 years and 6th form really flies by.

Re your income, it's actually surprising now when you need to earn more you usually do.I was a single mum, no maintenance from ex so got by and actually thrived once I knew I had to.

It seems as if it's doable as your income could pay for bills then CB, maintenance for other expenses.
Your older children could also work once they are 16 and this will help as well.

Upshot is that everyone usually finds a way but you may need to change lifestyle for a period of time.

I'm very recently separated from my DH. It's not easy but it is doable.
He is paying CM which I'm using to pay the mortgage then my salary pays the rest of the bills.

my salary is topped up by a little bit of benefits (I work full time and have childcare vouchers at work so I don't get any benefit type help with childcare because the childcare voucher scheme covers that) and I now get the child benefit paid directly to me.

There is no more take aways, dancing, money for spontaneous days out, clothes bought on a whim for me as well as them

He earns a lot more than I do as well as earning bonuses, I have no interest in what or where his money is spent I just concentrate on what I have and how I can make the month ends meet with enough for food in the house and petrol to get to work.

Use the calculator linked above to gauge what you might be able to apply for to top up your income. Separating finances was a difficult thing to do but I agree with pp that you really need to just think about what you are earning and have coming in without worrying/focusIng on what he can afford

Good luck

I was left and abandoned and found out my husband took with him 34.5k of the chidlren's money too. I would never have thought I could survive, as my job was with a contract over the 2 months school holidays at almost nothing (a TA in a school), so he left me when the monthly income was about £200 and bills over £1500. Indeed I spent the first 3 months living on food donations.

Since I was abandoned, I've kept detailed accounts of all spending, dividing spending into food/rent/transport/clothes/school costs. The annual clothes purchases for 5 of us including shoes is now around £200, we get clothes from friends. No takeaways, no cinema, virtually no going out in 3 years now. But I knew I had to find more money, so returned to another job I'd done before (which takes me out of the country even and overnight), plus childminding jobs, so now I have doubled my annual income and this year from the 3 jobs I might even earn more than my husband - no idea, no contact at all - but certainly more than he earned 3 years ago. I have gone from suicidal thoughts to pride I am able to support financial 4 children alone. It is still very tough, as I had to pay a large sum to my husband who applied to court for 55% of family assets and the judge awarded him 37% and the large sum I financed with 5 personal loans, so I am still paying off 4 of the loans which won't be paid off for another 8 months, the repayment amounts are the majority of my income but I really am proud I managed it all and fed the kids and now have a home as security owned solely by myself.

You really need to look at every single thing you spend money on and reduce. No car, no going out, no new clothes, no alcohol, whatever it takes so your basic bills are paid and also you are fed and that is it really, then look for more work. It will fill you with confidence that eventually you find a way through.

I had to sell our house and split the money, private rent with housing benefit while he rented with his income. Then I had maintence and tax credits and a very small salary to live on. Now after some years I have moved a few times but still in private rent but I have put all my energy into a career that pays a lot better.

I still would be screwed without tax credits!

*i had to pay debts with my equity, so not enough to buy again and a small salary