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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Splitting household goods

36 replies

Strawberryshortcake40 · 20/02/2016 08:55

I'm now onto this fun stage. How have others handled it? I'm tempted to just walk away with very little apart from the DC's stuff, but I can't afford to replace much.

STBEH is being very awkward about it. Saying he wants the food mixer (which was a gift to me), he wants 1/3 of all the DC's books and toys, full custody of the Lego (!), etc etc! I had said I won't take the DC bedroom furniture so he can have that (it won't fit in their new rooms well) but of course in that case he would rather have new..... And so it goes on.

I know there is more to life than material goods but some of these things I have had 20 years, but I'm not sure I have the energy to battle for it!

OP posts:
PurpleWithRed · 20/02/2016 09:00

Identify the very few things you can't live without or replace buy buying new, and then just don't worry about the rest of it. Let him have â…“ of their books and the lego and the food mixer, they'll need stuff at his house, you can buy more lego, and you can buy yourself a fab new food mixer when it's all over. Rise above, you're nearly there.

DeoGratias · 20/02/2016 09:02

At least we didn't fight over this - I just have raise over £1m on a mortgage and when he had his almost £1m he took very little but then had more than enough money to buy new stuff and neither of us is into material stuff anyway. I was staying in our home with the children as he could not afford to buy me out and I could.

Things hold us back and bear us down. I would let him have what he wanted except important things like old family photos but even those you can scan and share.

As your children will be staying a both houses it makes sense for some of their stuff to stay in his house but I would make sure it was known to be owned by the chidlren not their father - he has no right to sell their stuff and nor have you - gifts to children are owned by children.

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 20/02/2016 09:06

I won't have the money to replace a £400 mixer that he gave me as a gift! It's pure pettiness and I'm trying to rise above it but at the end of the day the DC should be able to have familiar things around them in a house they will be in 6 days a week. Surely?

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 21/02/2016 06:55

He cannot keep anything that was a personal gift to you. If, as it sounds, he is incapable of being fair, I would take what I consider fair by stealth. From what you have said, you would not behave unfairly and he would be nothing but unfair. I would make an attempt to agree it by email first, but he will just fight. Well done for leaving him. He sounds vile.

DeoGratias · 21/02/2016 07:57

Wow? We got our mixer in 1982 when we got married and it is still going strong. New it would be worth about £25. I didn't know £400 mixers existed

noisytoys · 21/02/2016 08:01

I let ExH take everything he wanted from the house and slowly built up everything from scratch. The worst was he took the bed and it took me 6 months to save for another - I was sleeping on an air bed during that time. He was amicable with the house though and I came out far better off overall even if he did have all the moveable things.

Allgunsblazing · 21/02/2016 08:05

Take EVERYTHING you can. Everything costs money, even the sink sponges and the half empty box of detergent.
Once you've found your feet, you can replace them, but in the meantime, no, don't leave anything behind.

Micah · 21/02/2016 08:08

Who's living in the house now? What did it say in the divorce?

In reality its all but impossible to force someone to hand something over if they dont want to, unless you have a lot of money for lawyers. Unless he willingly hands it over, how will you get it?

Dh got nothing, nothing that belonged to him, he left with a bag of clothes, she changed the locks (so no one would know om was living there). She did promise to give him a few personal items, his stereo, some trophies etc, but she never did. she re-did the house a year later and binned everything.

So unless you have some way of making him give you the stuff, i wouldnt hold out much hope.

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 21/02/2016 08:24

It's a kitchenaid mixer, something I had coveted for years and got for a big number birthday. I use it a few times a week maybe. I think he's used it twice in the time we have had it. It's just sheer pettiness. I will let him have it and buy a cheap one I guess.

Have bought a few bits from Ikea, cutlery and the like because I really don't want an argument. But we have cupboards full of stuff and I just don't know where to start. In a way it will be good for DC to see special things in his home, but he will have more than enough money to replace things ten times over.

It's control. It's always been control, I don't know why I thought this stage would be any easier!

OP posts:
Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 21/02/2016 08:30

I'm in the house now, until new one is sorted. I understand totally his need to have some things but it's deeper rooted than that. He only wants things that he knows I will want and will cause upset, so it's a matter of staying calm but standing firm over what's important.

I'm sorry but I think the 1/3 of books thing is ridiculous. He hated their books, never had any interest in a single book on their shelves. Books that I've spent years in bookshops with them or finding on Amazon, hunting out the books from my childhood etc, so I could curl up and read bedtime stories with them. He wouldn't even know their favourite books.

He can have the Lego. I will relish never having to step on one of those bricks in bare feet again!!!

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 21/02/2016 08:40

I understand. It's not about the belongings, it's about him wanting to take 'his share' and anything he can take from you that is rightfully yours or your children's is a win for him. Control and greed. He cannot take things that were a personal gift to you. Remove your personal belongings ot of his reach. As we weren't married, mine couldn't take half of my pension but he worked tirelesly to take my mother and my sister. He has them now. All it confirms in the long run is how right you are to leave him. He has no concern for you, nor the children it would appear.

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 21/02/2016 08:43

Thank you for understanding. I'm worried sick that people will think I'm being unfair but I'm really not.

OP posts:
Scotslasslivinginfrance · 21/02/2016 08:52

I would let him have a share of the books, they will provide a comfort to your children when they are away from you with their father, that way they will feel both their father and their mothers love at this difficult time and provide them with a sense of security.

And as a book lover you know you will enjoy buying new books with your DC to top up their collection.

It's not easy but you're doing a great job, almost there...

kittybiscuits · 21/02/2016 09:06

Lol at the lego. Mine left me every wallet he had ever owned and every pair of glasses he had since he was a child. But tried to steal personal belongings of mine. When will it all be sorted?

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 21/02/2016 09:08

We have stalled at the financials stage at the moment. I have a few issues with his idea of a fair split.

It's silly little things like the wedding crockery (8 pieces of everything), splitting it seems pointless - do I just hand it over?

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 21/02/2016 09:20

Being worried about what others will think of you, in this situation, is possibly about him being manipulative and enouraging others to feel sorry for him. He's not worried about what others will think about him stealing your big birthday present.

From my experience, fears about what other people might think go back a long way and are part of what led me to get into and stay in an abusive relationship. As you detach more and more from him, you will care less and less about the perceptions of other people about the situation. Some people will blame you, whatever you do or don't do. Some people will have always quietly known what he was really like and how he treated you and will celebrate your freedom with you. You will find out who is really on your side. One loyal friend is worth more than 100 people with whom you don't really know quite where you stand. Fairness is very important to me and I'm guessing to you. But probably quite unimportant to your ex who is all about getting one over.

One practical tip. You can remove high value items that belong to him for safe keeping to be returned when your own valued possessions are with you, being very clear that you don't intend to keep his things, but that you will return them when your own valuables are not stolen from you as threatened.

kittybiscuits · 21/02/2016 09:22

Sorry - cross post. If you fight for things you value, they will be the things he must have. Try asking him to email you a list of what he would like and try to negotiate from there. Good luck. It's only stuff.

Thankfulforeveryday · 21/02/2016 09:37

I say bloody we'll fight for it!! If her controlled you while you were together you no longer have to put up with it now you've split. You left to get away from his behaviour. Don't let him control you anymore. Stand up and fight for what you want too! Be strong and don't let him walk over you. Good luck X

Micah · 21/02/2016 10:43

Unless he has keys to your house then, how will he force you to hand it over?

Just refuse until your divorce is final. He can get what he wants agreed with the rest of your financials. Dont even discuss meantime.

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 21/02/2016 10:52

He has keys. He looks after the DC here. He came round the other day with some sticky labels he wanted to put on things he wanted!

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 21/02/2016 11:12

In shock news, he comes with the labels, overlooking that your personal belongings are not up for grabs and that he has forgotten that there needs to be negotiation. I bet he's really great at negotiating, isn't he OP?

Clutterbugsmum · 21/02/2016 11:15

What has he got that worth about the same as the mixer. Tell him he can have your mixer but you want xxxx of his. And then negotiate the keeping of the mixer.

Give him all the wedding crockery, your getting divorced let him have it.

As for the childrens toys/books let them sort out what they to take to your house and leave him the rest. Good time to have clear out of their toys. Keep the most important books your self.

kittybiscuits · 21/02/2016 11:20

Personal belongings and gifts are not up for grabs though! Ask him which books he bought for the DCs. Stare hard at him. Then tell him that even though he bought few/none, the DCs will want some in both homes so you will give him some of the ones you bought. Don't lose sight of the fact that YOU ARE GETTING RID OF HIM!

petalsandstars · 21/02/2016 11:32

Can you remove your personal items - like the stand mixer to a friends house to look after it for you (along with passports/documents ) so he can't steal them.

Because taking your things is him stealing

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 21/02/2016 11:44

Yes I do worry a lot about being fair. We have an expensive toaster we have had 20 years. So I went out and bought a similar secondhand one so he could have the original (because he wanted it for sentimental reasons) He found the one I'd bought (hidden in my wardrobe) and made a big deal about how I'd got a nicer one and he wants that one. It's got nothing to do with sentimental reasons!

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