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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Is this a weird Xmas situation?

34 replies

Discomama · 18/12/2013 21:49

DH and I separated since April both have new partners...I have kids over Xmas but he wants to come round and watch DCs open presents at my house for an hour on Xmas morning from me and DP....DP not happy about this, but I don't mind, happy for DH and his GF to come DH and I both want amicable friendly terms and to keep DCs as our priority but is this a step too far? I've got them lots of little presents and DH has got them one big one which needs to be set up so they can't play with it straight away so wants to see them enjoying my presents...DP thinks he wants to steal our glory....DP had VERY bitter divorce 15 years ago....maybe I should post in relationships...?

OP posts:
Marne · 18/12/2013 21:52

We have always had dh's children over on Boxing Day, their mum gives them her gifts on Christmas Day and then we give them ours on Boxing Day, it has always worked well.

I can understand why he would want to see them open the gifts from him but why can't that be done separately? Maybe he could just pop over in the afternoon or he could have them on Boxing Day?

waltermittymissus · 18/12/2013 21:52

DP hasn't got any glory.

Tell him to stop being such a knob.

Or, let them stay with dad at Christmas.

Original poster
Discomama · 18/12/2013 22:01

This arrangement was tentatively made ages ago before either of us had new DPs my suggestion recently was that they open their presents with me then I drop the kids round to him for an hour or so while DP and I walk the dog then he drops them back...we live a mile apart, I think that's reasonable. Trouble is DH wants us all to be friends and cosy, DP can't forgive him for some things he said to me a while back

OP posts:
waltermittymissus · 18/12/2013 22:05

DH and I both want amicable friendly terms

So it's not just your ex, is it?

Seriously, if your DP has a problem with this can kids stay with dad and you can pop round to them?

ITCouldBeWorse · 18/12/2013 22:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Discomama · 18/12/2013 22:10

I'm just trying really hard to please everybody and someone will doubtless end up cross with me whatever I do, it's just deciding who to piss off most Hmm DH who is trying to be nice and accommodating while still making veiled threats, or DP who actually can be a bit controlling (or tries to be, not usually very successful Wink)

OP posts:
BillyBanter · 18/12/2013 22:11

Will the kids enjoy it?

I think you and ex are reasonable and DP is a bit unreasonable unless your ex makes a point of winding him up, although it's a bit understandable that he's not overjoyed. It won't kill him to be in the same room with your ex for an hour or two.

Original poster
Discomama · 18/12/2013 22:12

Might just spend Christmas alone!Wine

OP posts:
BigChocolateOrange · 18/12/2013 22:13

What would make the DC's happy? I think the answer to that is the answer to your problem.

ITCouldBeWorse · 18/12/2013 22:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

waltermittymissus · 18/12/2013 22:13

DP who actually can be a bit controlling

And there it is. I'm not surprised. Sounds like he could potentially be successful if you allow him to decide your dc can't see their own father on Christmas morning. And all after only 18 months??

I'll ask again: can they have Christmas with dad and you can pop around there?

FunkyBoldRibena · 18/12/2013 22:19

What about him having them for a few hours in the afternoon and opening his present when they are there then either stopping over or coming back that night?

Original poster
Discomama · 18/12/2013 22:21

They have Christmas with me this year as I will more than likely be away (with work) next year

OP posts:
Mary2010xx · 18/12/2013 22:24

This Johnny come lately new papers who has only been on the scene a few months and may well be gone soon needs to shut up and let you and the children decide what is best. Perhaps he could go out for a walk for an hour whilst the present opening is going on. They are not his chidlren. He should interfere.

QuintessentialShadows · 18/12/2013 22:26

9 months since the split and you have moved a new partner in to live with you and your children, and he already gets to do decide how you do Christmas with your kids?

Kerrist.

Beamur · 18/12/2013 22:27

Given it's your first Xmas post split I can see why this seems a good idea. Personally, I'm with your new DP on this though, you and your ex are no longer a family and it is irksome for many new partners (I'd include myself here) to see the old family still playing at 'happy families'...
My DP and his ex are on good terms and we do sometimes all go out together - e.g. kids birthdays and we've also been invited to house warmings and such like. But we split Christmas and the kids spend part with us and part with Mum. It's all very amicable, Mum is like an 'auntie' to our DD & buys her presents and so on, but we all respect certain boundaries. BUT that is what works for us, what works for you may be different.

Original poster
Discomama · 18/12/2013 22:49

DP and I don't live together, we live 2 hours apart, I suggested to DH this evening that maybe it was all a bit soon to be getting cosy and friendly, I can see both their points of view, like I say, just trying to keep the peace at a difficult time, kids are happy with either situation

OP posts:
Original poster
Discomama · 18/12/2013 22:51

Thanks for all your replies, interesting...! Thanks for your story Beamur x

OP posts:
Beamur · 18/12/2013 22:57

I also have the benefit of 10 years of hindsight. My DSD found her parents split hard to come to terms with, she was only 7 at the time and because they didn't divorce for a few years, I think she thought they would reconcile. So, perpetuating 'family' outings etc for her really didn't help. She was (and is) a sweet girl, but obviously was confused by what was happening - she seemed much more settled with life once they divorced

QuintessentialShadows · 18/12/2013 22:59

If your dp does not live with you, why does he get a say in how you do Christmas morning?

And why is your exs new girlfriend also there?

FunkyBoldRibena · 19/12/2013 10:21

Ok, so if he lives 2 hours away, then they should have their presents at his house when he has them next.

FunkyBoldRibena · 19/12/2013 10:22

Sorry - misread - ignore that...but the same goes, your kids should open your EXes presents when they are with him, not at yours.

mamayaya · 19/12/2013 23:40

But you only separated from your dh in April? So DP is very new really and is already controlling? This is the first Christmas for your kids after you and their dad has split up, seems to me it would be best to decide as a family - you, them and their dad? Nothing to do with your new dp really. In my opinion!

LEMoncehadacatcalledSANTA · 19/12/2013 23:48

Why are you allowing somone who has been in your children's lives less than a year dictate when their dad sees them on xmas day?

you said he is controlling - why isn't this a red flag to you? Quite frankly its none of his business. He is using your children to control you - id be seriously considering whether he is right for you

LEMoncehadacatcalledSANTA · 19/12/2013 23:50

No, its not too soon for your DH to bet getting cosy and friendly with HIS children, it is too soon for your DP to be getting too cosy with his children - he needs to wait until after the children have opened thier presents before he turns up. He is at the bottom of the list of priorities here.