Coping with a partner in a nursing home and being alone

[mbonfield]

Has anyone been in a similar situation and how did you cope/

Lovely wife of 30 plus years had a number of falls over the the last 2 years. Had 2 very bad ones last month, the last one meant being in hospital for over 4weeks. Now bed bound as it was not possible to get her to sit on a chair or out of a bed without the use of a hoist. Has dementia getting worse, multiple organ failure.

In a lovely nursing five minutes away, the only practical option in our circumstances.

How did you cope and what did you do to make your home life now as you are on your own?

Im so sorry you are both going through this and I hope some other posters can give more personal insights.

Is it easy to get to the home? Do visits go ok?

I knew of a group of male friends that started to meet fortnightly for lunch after their wives were admitted to homes; I think they originally met via a place of worship. And I’ve known people get great good out of U3A groups.

I don't have any first hand experience of this, I'm so sorry, I'm in my mid 40s. But my partner and I have no kids and very little other family and I do wonder if one of us will be in this situation one day. Do you have anyone that you see regularly? Family, friends etc? Could you afford to pay for some counselling to help you process things? I think if it were me I'd focus on making sure I had one or more people to speak to in some capacity several times a week at least. It must be very lonely to be in this situation without that.

Dementia is awful. It’s so hard losing the person you knew. I expect you’ve had a very intense time caring for your wife at home and now you find yourself with free time that you’re not used to having.

I’m widowed (for different reasons, but not unsimilar). You must visit your wife regularly (of course) but also work on your life without her as this will sustain you after she’s gone. Do NOT feel guilty about this (that’s hard too). Develop your hobbies, social and support networks. This does take effort. What do you enjoy doing? Perhaps you could revive a hobby that you have not been able to do in recent years. Or find something new that you have always wanted to do but haven’t been able to. There are many opportunities out there
Do you have any family?
can you contact a friend or two who you maybe haven’t been able to see in recent years and arrange an afternoon out, or go to a concert or similar?
could you consider a short holiday somewhere?

Thank you for all that have replied so far.

To answer some questions the home is very modern built about 2/3 years ago and has all the facilities for a dementia friendly experience.
We have family and friends who visit my DW, she has only been there for a short time. Our family, closest is 1 hour plus, others vary from 2 to 4 hours, long distance ones are yet to visit but some are not mobile. Sadly they are old and very frail.
The hobbies and interests question are yet to be resolved was previously a member of a sporting club but I found the members far too outspoken and judgemental so I doubt I will be returning. It involved heavy lifting and setting up of equipment and my back is not in a fit state. I do get regular treatment. We do have a U3A in the area, will have to investigate further.

I have few friends in the area but try and see them as much as possible.

The suggestion about a holiday is a good one and will look into the possibility.

The surprising aspect about dementia is how it has developed so quickly in the last 2 months since diagnosis. It has got worse since my wife was admitted to hospital and now in a nursing home.

See if there is a small walking group near you? Just to spend some time in nature and for companionship 💐 It may help?

I’m so sorry op. This is such a sad situation. My inlaws are going through the same. It’s heartbreaking.
Fill your life with friends, family (grandchildren?), hobbies, holidays - whatever you love to do. Visit your wife as much as you feel you need to.
My MIL has a rota of friends visiting her so FIL doesn’t have to go in every day. He’s looked after her for years, it’s incredibly sad to be losing her, I really do feel for him - however, it’s comforting to see him getting his life and sanity back.
Oh he also got a puppy which is keeping him busy, making sure he gets out and bringing joy. This may be something you’d like, or not 🐾

Look at u3a as they have a range of activities that you can join. Also look on your Council Website for activities they run.

U3A vary depending on your area. It's well worth a look. The other one is Oddfellows, they seem more active in what they do.

I’m so sorry. Even when the nursing home is the right and safest option, coming back to an empty house after 30 years together must feel unbearable. I think coping starts very small: visit when you can, bring familiar things for her room, keep a simple routine for yourself at home, and don’t expect the loneliness to make sense quickly.
I found RightCareHome useful on the practical side of settling someone into a care home, especially when your mind is all over the place: https://www.rightcarehome.co.uk/blog/moving-into-care-home-checklist-uk

I’ve not been in this position myself and I’m so sorry that you are. Having her deteriorate so quickly must have been a
shock on top of the grief that you must already be experiencing through losing her to Dementia.

I think you’ve had some excellent advice already on this group. My own DMIL went into a home with Vascular Dementia and DFIL found life very difficult after that.

What did help was him joining the our local Carer’s Hub where he was signed up for a course of counselling and regularly met with others who all had partners with Dementia.

He was already a member of a local U3A walking group and he found that useful. Around here there are several walking groups to suit different abilities and not all are through the U3A.

One thing he never did was to go on holiday, which I know he regretted towards the end. If you are going to go how about trying just a couple of nights once the school holidays are over? The weather is usually still good in early September.

How is she after you visit? Unfortunately, visits from DFIL made DMIL very unsettled and the home talked to him several times about visiting less and even asked him to not come for a couple of weeks at one time. We know why he made her unsettled and agreed with the Care Home but it was hard for him to —think of her needs— not visit her.

If you’re on FB it might be worth asking if there are any groups locally. We have one where Men meet up once a week to do things like play darts or snooker and they sometimes go out for lunch.

And I know it’s a cliche but having a purpose can really help so think about making small changes to a room, decluttering the kitchen cupboards or trying volunteering, it doesn’t have to be working in a charity shop so many organisations will snap your hand off of you can offer a few hours each week from the local food bank to your nearest steam railway.

@ExplodingSmittens Thank you for the update

No problem. How are you doing thos week @mbonfield?

It’s important to exercise regularly for your own health, both now and long term.

suggest looking at your local authority facilities if they’re reasonably close as people of all ages and circumstances use them.

best wishes

I’m an NHS Social Prescriber, and I wondered whether it might be worth asking your GP practice about Social Prescribing. All GP practices must provide access to a Social Prescribing service

We often support people who find themselves in exactly this sort of situation. It isn’t counselling, and it isn’t about simply telling you that you need to “get out more”. A Social Prescriber will spend some time with you, find out what matters to you and what you’re finding hardest, and help you think about how to make life at home feel a little less empty.

That might mean finding local groups or activities, helping you reconnect with an old interest, introducing you to something new, or simply helping you put some structure and company back into the week. They can also help you find carers’ support and other local services that may be useful.

The important thing is that it should be built around you, rather than someone handing you a list of clubs and sending you away.

After more than 30 years together, suddenly coming home to an empty house must be an enormous adjustment. You don’t have to work out how to build this new part of your life entirely on your own.

I’d ask your GP practice for a referral to their Social Prescribing Link Worker. The service may have a slightly different name locally, but the practice should be able to put you in touch.

Thank you again to all that have replied. Not a good week, a few days ago, as I was closing the conservatory door, I took a fall at 3pm in the afternoon. Looked similar to a child who had taken an unexpected fall. Skinned nose, hands, knees and chest! I did not have my phone with me and will now take it almost everywhere in case I need help.

My wife's dementia is getting worse as she is struggling to speak in any sense. She still thinks that there are 2 of me in a room. She also does not know where I live. The staff are wonderful at the home they treat her similar to a mum and they are always in and out of her room which is really good and comforting to me. She is on hourly checks.

Hoping this weekend may help as we have our adult children visiting the home along with 2 lovely grandchildren not seen for nearly a year. The grandchildren live nearly 200 miles away.

We do have a social prescriber at the local surgery but their record in fulfilling simple tasks is patchy to say the least but I will give it a go. That said we do have an excellent community shop for people who are seniors.

The situation I find myself in is similar to before I was married coming home to an empty house and taking a bit to get adjusted. If I told you about the direct neighbours you would not believe me and accuse me of making it up. We have moved many times over the years and these are the worst ones so far. Nothing to do with noise! Gossiping busy bodies.

I’m so sorry about the fall. A similar thing happened to me. I’m not sure what was worse, the injuries or people saying I’d had a fall and not that I’d fallen over and realising that was the age I was at

An Apple Watch might help? My DSis blacked out completely unexpectedly and her watch sent a few of us an alert so we were able to get to her.

And I’m also sorry that your neighbours are awful. Is moving again an option? I do understand though how difficult that might be

So sorry op for your situation
I was going to say men in sheds? I think it’s called if there’s something local to you

Sorry forgot to add that CEX is probably a good shout if you are buying an Apple Watch.

@Guiltypleasures001 Thanks for the suggestion. Have tried Men in Sheds in our area, I had to give that up as the room was too small for all the persons that turned up.

The people that had been there the longest had there own work stations and there was insufficient room left for the others.

@ExplodingSmittens Thank you for the suggestions. Will definitely a look at the Apple watch.

As for a move again I am afraid this is out of the question. Have moved far too many times and emotionally and health wise would be very difficult. The only thing I would consider would be a smaller detached in our location at some future point but the availability in this small area is very limited.

Similar to many situations in life you have one person that has an opinion and the others do not challenge and accept what he has said however untruthful or factually incorrect he is.

I would strongly recommend looking at U3A - there may be different groups in your area. We have two or three we can get to easily. Maybe sign up to a medical alert service and wear a call button for yourself.

@Rocknrollstar Thank you for the update aware of the U3A friends are members and will be speaking to them this week.

I can understand you wanting to stay where you are for a while, you have such a lot to adjust to and process already