Father with dementia won’t eat.

[LeeMucklowesCurtains]

It’s not a symptom of the dementia, it’s because he’s lived his life so fucking tight with money, he’s like scrooge.

He is in a care home, has been since December.

He’s got it into his head that they will charge him for food. He doesn’t want to give anyone any money so he won’t eat.

He’s too far gone to realise just how much of his lifetime hoard of money is now going on his care, it would kill him if he understood.

We have explained to him that the food there is “free”.

The carers keep explaining it to him.

He has written promts telling him not to worry, he doesn’t have to pay for food. He can eat what he likes, he can ask for anything he wants at any time and they will make it for him.

I’ve told him that he’s won a competition to stay in this place and that it’s all included - that worked for a few weeks.

I’ve told him - “it’s ok, they send me the bills, I won the lottery so it’s fine”. Again, that worked for a couple of weeks.

I know it’s lying, but hey, what the hell can I do. He needs to eat.

They sit with him at meal times, favourite films on, a staff member eats with him in his room to encourage him. He won’t eat, keeps saying they will bill him.

When I visit they bring me the same meal as him and I sit and eat with him - he won’t eat his - tells me to stop eating it as I am an idiot and they will
send me a bill. Nothing I say helps.

They encourage him to eat in the communal dining room with everyone else but he rarely will as he says it’s a restaurant and they give him a bill afterwards.

I’m 42 and I can count on one hand the amount of times he’s eaten out in my life - he’s always been so tight fisted, always refused to eat anything other than smart priced branded food at home that he didn’t enjoy, but it was cheap. So habits of a lifetime exacerbated by dementia.

He comes here twice a week, he eats loads. So it’s not illness/appetite. He’s just so bloody tight fisted that he’d rather starve himself to death than think he’s paying for anything.

The manger who he really likes keeps explaining, writing down that he doesn’t pay for his food. His doctor has visited numerous times and told him the same.

The home are really good. They are small and have a high ratio of staff so there is always someone with him to help him and reassure him. They help him, the residents don’t have to stick to mealtimes, the chef will make pretty much anything they like off menu, they have fridges in their rooms and communal microwaves for their own snacks but he won’t do that either as he said they will charge him for electricity.

His doctor told him that he would end up in hospital if he didn’t eat - his answer? “At least the food in hospital is free”

He’s going to make himself ill.

Stuff in his room that he can eat - put it in supermarket obvious packaging and say you bought. Signs on his door in his room saying Today only the food is free..then rotate. Today we need free tasters ...Tell him his pension is paying for everything .. Thankfully my father ate ( and how) as he had it installed from youth that it was rude to leave anything on your plate.... Good luck

Also, it just makes him angrier when you try to explain - he’s always thought that people are trying to get his money, or trying to scam him out of his money. So the written prompts are
mainly seen as a ‘trick’ to get him to eat so they can charge him.’

I never went on school trips as a child or had any school equipment or school lunches as it was “a scam” from the school to get his money.

So this is nothing new. It’s just shit.

The home and his doctor are great but they are running out of ways to help him.

It is hard when they lose touch with reality. You just have to go along with their thinking. Could you ask the staff to make him a packed lunch or put food into a clean margarine tub so he thinks it is 'leftovers'. You could try different ideas eg that you know someone who works in the kitchen and she can get things 'cheap'. Or print him out a set of meal vouchers so that he knows you have already paid.

Tried all that.

They print a “special” news letter from time to time saying things like “New chef, food is free all month!”

Its all a scam to get his money.

They fill his fridge with food.
a i do too.

I tell him I’ve bought it. He can eat it.

He won’t.

Scam, you see.
And they will charge him for the electric.

The vouchers thing is a great idea.

I’m seeing the manager today about some paperwork. She’s brilliant, I’m sure she will print out something official looking for him.

It’s just so hard when he’s been like this forever.

The absolute shit we are when I was growing up.
Just because it was cheap. When I had to
look at his accounts for care home fees etc, it made me so angry- money never had to be an issue.

*we ate

Could you get the staff at the home to say the meal "is free today, special offer" or "you bought the last one, this one is free". I'm guessing he might not remember that they will say this every time and might think it's a special offer.

Or get some fake "coupons" and tell him you bought him some coupons for meals. Could the staff say they have got his coupons or something?

Ok, this might seem harsh, and it's a little bit different because as you say, he's not lost his appetite but...
When people nearing the end of life stop eating, it does hasten the end. If we love them, we desperately want them to eat because we want them to live. But by the time they get to that stage, they are only heading in one direction, and that's to an ever decreasing quality of life. By trying to force them to eat against their instincts, we're trying to prolong what is already a long, drawn out and painful process. We could see this with my mum trying to force feed my dad and it was just a painful denial of the fact that actually, his body was shutting down and he was getting ready to die.
Even though your father's refusal to eat is grounded in his dementia not his lack of appetite, I wonder if you could just accept that this is his choice and the course his illness is taking. Obviously you don't stop trying to get him to eat, but if it doesn't really work, can you accept that it is just another aspect of a terrible and terminal illness? I'm sorry if this seems insensitive, I just wondered if acceptance might make it a little easier to cope with?

I know it’s lying, but hey, what the hell can I do. He needs to eat.

In the nicest way, he doesn’t. This is really natures way of taking us out when we need to go. He has dementia. It’s not going to get better. It’s kindest he goes sooner rather than later as quality of life is not great. If I have dementia I hope I would quickly lose interest in eating and drinking and was just left to go frankly as it’s no life.

just a few random thoughts ….

if he has the capacity to choose to eat it not based on his pre dementia beliefs then don’t force him ?

putting him as a person at the centre of all this why are you trying to force him to eat ? Yes he may die sooner but a few more weeks / months of deterioration in a care home where he doesn’t even enjoy eating ? ( my demented dad was the opposite he just lived constant free food ….school dinner style was fine by him)

what does he enjoy? That’s what to focus on I think.

meantime either get the Gp to prescribe some shakes or get some complan that “ the doctor ordered “ for him. Again my dad had radiotherapy to his mouth. He couldn’t eat for a while but forced down shakes as he understood they were “ medicine to help him get better “.

good luck. It’s a horrible illness , it can bring out really nasty life long traits in some people as the ability to hide this goes. But remember living longer ain’t necessarily weeks / years of longer life with any quality.

Take in some Tupperware type boxes and suggest they plate it up in those. Then present it as this has been sent in by @LeeMucklowesCurtains for you to eat. It might just work for awhile. Although he will probably need to see you eating the same food out of the same boxes once or twice.

Also ‘hide’ a tuck box of ‘illicit’ food he can eat in his room and see if the carers can get home to eat something that way. I’m guessing you have reached the point of any calories from any source are acceptable.

it’s not lying - it’s love lies and perfectly acceptable!

As you say, dysfunctional thinking and behaviour is amplified by dementia, so this is incredibly hard. Looking at all the tricks you’ve tried, I’m afraid there isn’t much more you can do. It’s a horribly cruel disease. Don’t make yourself I’ll worrying about him and trying endless tricks to get him to eat. He’ll get worse anyway, and probably more aggressive. So sorry.

Hi there

He does have snacks in his room. I take him to the supermarket and he buys biscuits and eats them.

Situation still no better. He still thinks they are trying to trick him out of his money.

Its hard because he’s not lost his appetite so it’s not an end of life thing (I wish it was, this is no life), it’s a being a life long, tight-fisted sod thing.

He comes here for dinner twice a week and eats like a horse.

He will eat a bit at the home but he constantly thinks they are out to get his money. He’s stopped losing weight now, but for context, when he first went into a home in December last year, he was a 40 inch waist. I had to take him out yesterday again to buy yet smaller trousers - down to 32 inch now.

So it’s not like he’s not hungry abs people are forcing him to eat. He is hungry. But if he thinks he has to pay for something, he won’t do it, he’s been the same all his life.

Its like the home say, they are trying their best to feed him because yes, people do lose appetite with dementia but that’s not why he’s not eating.

And the crap thing is, the food there is amazing. He said he loves it - he just won’t pay for it.

If he will accept dinner at your house, could you ask him whether he would accept it if you paid for his meals whilst he is at the nursing home?

My DM was sectioned due to MH and she was exactly the same. She lost 5 stones and the only way she would eat is if we took food in to her and fed it to her (opposite issue to your DF, they lived in poverty mainly and she didn't want Dad to get a big bill for food). Eventually they discharged her because it was safer at home than hospital as she just wouldn't eat there.

He hasn’t lost interest though.

He eats like a horse when he’s at my house. He says he’s hungry, he says the food there is fantastic. It is - it’s not just one meal for all, the have options or the chef will make them anything they fancy.

He’s just got it into his head he has to pay for each meal.

If it was nature taking its course and he wasn’t hungry, then honestly, I would be happy. I hate seeing him like this.

Tried that. He said no.

He knows we struggle for money for a start, hasn’t forgotten that.

He eats here because he knows I still cook on a budget like he taught me!

We tried him living with us, be almost killed us all one night.

So he needs to be in 24 hour care, sadly.

Anyway. I’ve had long chats with the care home and the GP about it.

They have a duty of care towards him and they can’t let someone starve themselves to
death because they think they are being charged for food, it’s a totally different situation to an end of life scenario when people stop eating.

So they are all doing their best to help him.

Could they consider PEG feeding for nutrition, if he would agree, so that oral food is just nice to have?

On a side note have you explore CHC funding to pay for his care. His need sound complex and intense. You should trigger an assessment.

Also if he is at your twice a week could you plate up left overs for him to have the next day?

Can you send leftovers back with him on the days you feed him at home? On the same plate you use at home.