Father with dementia won’t eat.

[LeeMucklowesCurtains]

It’s not a symptom of the dementia, it’s because he’s lived his life so fucking tight with money, he’s like scrooge.

He is in a care home, has been since December.

He’s got it into his head that they will charge him for food. He doesn’t want to give anyone any money so he won’t eat.

He’s too far gone to realise just how much of his lifetime hoard of money is now going on his care, it would kill him if he understood.

We have explained to him that the food there is “free”.

The carers keep explaining it to him.

He has written promts telling him not to worry, he doesn’t have to pay for food. He can eat what he likes, he can ask for anything he wants at any time and they will make it for him.

I’ve told him that he’s won a competition to stay in this place and that it’s all included - that worked for a few weeks.

I’ve told him - “it’s ok, they send me the bills, I won the lottery so it’s fine”. Again, that worked for a couple of weeks.

I know it’s lying, but hey, what the hell can I do. He needs to eat.

They sit with him at meal times, favourite films on, a staff member eats with him in his room to encourage him. He won’t eat, keeps saying they will bill him.

When I visit they bring me the same meal as him and I sit and eat with him - he won’t eat his - tells me to stop eating it as I am an idiot and they will
send me a bill. Nothing I say helps.

They encourage him to eat in the communal dining room with everyone else but he rarely will as he says it’s a restaurant and they give him a bill afterwards.

I’m 42 and I can count on one hand the amount of times he’s eaten out in my life - he’s always been so tight fisted, always refused to eat anything other than smart priced branded food at home that he didn’t enjoy, but it was cheap. So habits of a lifetime exacerbated by dementia.

He comes here twice a week, he eats loads. So it’s not illness/appetite. He’s just so bloody tight fisted that he’d rather starve himself to death than think he’s paying for anything.

The manger who he really likes keeps explaining, writing down that he doesn’t pay for his food. His doctor has visited numerous times and told him the same.

The home are really good. They are small and have a high ratio of staff so there is always someone with him to help him and reassure him. They help him, the residents don’t have to stick to mealtimes, the chef will make pretty much anything they like off menu, they have fridges in their rooms and communal microwaves for their own snacks but he won’t do that either as he said they will charge him for electricity.

His doctor told him that he would end up in hospital if he didn’t eat - his answer? “At least the food in hospital is free”

He’s going to make himself ill.

Sorry I’ve not read the replies. Can they give him food in Tupperware and say you’ve sent it in or it’s his lunch box you’ve made up?

No, he wouldn’t qualify

He doesn’t have complex medical needs. It’s just this issue, that he thinks he has to pay for food.

He’s just always been tight as hell. We had to take an unexpected road trip for two days when I was a teenager. He reluctantly bought me sandwiches but refused to eat the whole time himself as he had food at home and refused to buy any out. That’s how tight with money he’s always been.

Tried, won’t eat it as he thinks it’s another trick to get his money.

It’s not at that stage yet.

He isn’t underweight.

He’s actually stayed the same weight for a month now. They are coaxing him to have some food each day.

Ok, this may sound harsh, but perhaps agree with him. Enter into his world in which he’s being charged for the food as he thinks he is. Tell him he does get charged for it, wether he eats it or not. So it’s a waste of both food AND money if he refuses to eat it. Basically pander to his Scrooge mentality.

I'd go with the voucher idea, but I'd also make an official looking letter saying that the DWP have determined that he should be awarded a meal allowance and they will be sending a non transferable voucher for each meal, and are pleased to include the first month. It'll be a bit of a hassle to make a nice voucher with his name on etc, but if he thinks he's genuinely getting something for nothing it might work

that sounds like a good idea.

What about giving him "cheap" meals such as a sandwich or toast? Or just giving him small plates of things at a time so he doesn't think it will be too expensive eg give him a portion on a small side plate the size of tapas and keep bringing him the food when he has forgotten about the last portion.

PEG feeding almost always seems like a distressing and often pointless attempt to delay the inevitable. Someone who is confused will often find it very upsetting, and unless it's a temporary measure and the person will achieve some measure of recovery and quality of life, it's often hard to see what the point is. I'd be interested if anyone has positive experiences of PEG feeding, the family I know said they wished they hadn't done it afterwards.

OP can you tell him he is in hospital, as he acquires that the food there is free.

and 💐for you, such a hard life for you

He knows where he is. He’s not that far gone with dementia.

Hosptial - he’ll eat the food as he’s paid his taxes all his life so deserves to be fed in there. He knows he’s paying for where he is now (although if he knew just how much he would probably find a way to end it all), and begrudges every penny.

Thats why giving him smaller plates, tricking him doesn’t work. He’s got dementia but he’s not stupid.

A letter from the DWP as mentioned up thread - well, he would want to phone them to make sure and he would know that wasn’t a real thing.

He was always the same. Never went to any street parties, or school bbqs or anything when I was growing up as it was “probably a con to get my money in the end”.

This is nothing new, he’d give Scrooge a run for his money. It’s been fucking draining all my life.

Well then your only option is to adopt a “it’s your life do with it what you want” and force yourself not to worry. You know what will happen in the end. But you’ve done absolutely everything you and the care home can do.
very easy for me to say and very hard to actually do, but I’ve been there and done it. You need to save your own MH and live your life and not through him.

We have done now to a large extent.

I mean, this is part of what he’s paying for in the home. It’s their job to do worry about feeding/weight etc.

We have done what we can to help too. And they are good with him. For a someone who has been difficult most of his life and who had never wanted friends (partly becuase you might have to feed them or buy them a drink occasionally), he speaks about a lot of the staff with real fondness, so that’s a huge thing for him, he’s really never liked anyone in his life.

But ultimately, it’s just sad that his life long, tight fisted attitude is sucking any last enjoyment from his last few years. It’s a sorry state really.

Any chance he'd pay if it was very cheap? You could make him a menu with "ham sandwich 10p, pasta bake 15p" if that would help. Or would he "steal" food if a staff member left a plate unattended, saying "Mrs Jones hasn't touched her steak again, too bad she's already paid for it." Could a staff member "share their packed lunch" with him?

It sounds very difficult It's ok if you need to step back and let the care staff do what they can.

He wouldn’t pay a single penny.

There is tight fisted, and then there is my dad.

plus, he’s not gone daft. No one would think something was that cheap and nor would he.

I think sometimes people have the assumption that it’s easy to infantilise or hoodwink people with dementia.

On the upside, he’s not lost any weight in a month, so they are getting him to eat sometimes.

If he knows he is paying for where he is now, is he able to understand that the amount he is paying does not change whether he eats or not? (This is true, no?)

And that’s the problem.

He will not accept that the food is included. He insists that he gets billed afterwards.

No matter how many times we tell him, the staff tell him. The mangers have had meetings with him. He will not accept it.

In his mind, he gets billed for the meals.

Then step into his mindset. Agree with him he is charged separately and it’s automatically taken from his account wether he eats it or not. Tell it’s twice the waste if he doesn’t - a waste of his money and food, and him not eating is not going to change the fact. So he may as well eat it.

stop arguing with him and agree instead.

Again though, he’s not stupid. Would you pay for
a meal somewhere you didn’t eat? That would be his argument and has been when we have tried to say similar. He would just kick
up a fuss, as anyone would, thinking they had paid for something they’d not had, demand refunds etc.

Like I said, the home are dealing with it now.

We just visit/have him here and just nod and agree with whatever he says.

Life is too short for us to get stressed over him
anymore and I’ve come to realise that trying to rationalise or explain things leads to more distress for him. He’s currently planning his outfit to my sons wedding - my son doesn’t even have a girlfriend and has only just turned 20, but after weeks of trying to explain that, nod and smile and change the subject back to reality has just made it easier for everyone.

He’s in a home mainly so they can deal with his health issues.

We tried but ultimately, it’s down to them to help
him.

This why I’m saying tell him he hates billed for it anyway. Show him the bills - they can easily state bed and board included. The contract will state it too. tell him it’s no different than an all inclusive holiday. Those are the rules - he pays for them wether he eats it or not. The rest is up to him. And refuse to discuss it again with him. He eats it goes hungry. It’s tough love time and you’ve exhausted every other route.

What about warning him he'll have to buy new clothes if he doesn't eat enough?

It's a proper worry. However, this is his choice awful though it may seem. This is a man who chose to starve himself and to an extent you, before he had dementia.

It's unreasonable, but it sounds as though it always has been.

I think you may need to let go, and mourn for the man he should have been.

Fwiw. My mil had Alzheimer’s and was in a care home. She refused to switch on her lights in her room - due to being billed. So I do know what you are facing. We too tried everything. In the end I told the care staff to leave her to it. The inevitable happened and she fell. She never refused the lights being on afterwards. Tough love.
you may have to do the same - he’ll end up in hospital with poor quality food and possible lower care or a drip or peg system
and if he’s still capable, then he may understand the folly of his ways or sadly nature will take its course. Do not feel guilty and stop giving him free rent in your head.

My go to responses are to explain that it's like an all-inclusive resort, or that x family member has ordered and paid for it for them. Don't know if either of those will work for your dad.

It's tough when someone has dementia, but the carers there will do everything they can - it sounds like he is in a particularly nice place as well. And if he isn't losing weight, he is eating enough.

I have let go now to be honest.

He hates having to buy new clothes, I took him out this weekend. He had a strict budget. Only primark for him and he even moaned about those prices.

But even that doesn’t seem enough of an incentive on his mind to “pay” for any food.

The god thing about him being in a care home is that it’s not actually my problem. I’ve tried to help them, but it’s really up to them now.

Yes this. I would make sure he had a full breakdown of everything maybe that would help..

sorry you are going through this.. you sound like you have tried some absolutely brilliant techniques and have been really creative.. I hope a solution is found but good to read he isn't losing weight recently