Father with dementia won’t eat.

[LeeMucklowesCurtains]

It’s not a symptom of the dementia, it’s because he’s lived his life so fucking tight with money, he’s like scrooge.

He is in a care home, has been since December.

He’s got it into his head that they will charge him for food. He doesn’t want to give anyone any money so he won’t eat.

He’s too far gone to realise just how much of his lifetime hoard of money is now going on his care, it would kill him if he understood.

We have explained to him that the food there is “free”.

The carers keep explaining it to him.

He has written promts telling him not to worry, he doesn’t have to pay for food. He can eat what he likes, he can ask for anything he wants at any time and they will make it for him.

I’ve told him that he’s won a competition to stay in this place and that it’s all included - that worked for a few weeks.

I’ve told him - “it’s ok, they send me the bills, I won the lottery so it’s fine”. Again, that worked for a couple of weeks.

I know it’s lying, but hey, what the hell can I do. He needs to eat.

They sit with him at meal times, favourite films on, a staff member eats with him in his room to encourage him. He won’t eat, keeps saying they will bill him.

When I visit they bring me the same meal as him and I sit and eat with him - he won’t eat his - tells me to stop eating it as I am an idiot and they will
send me a bill. Nothing I say helps.

They encourage him to eat in the communal dining room with everyone else but he rarely will as he says it’s a restaurant and they give him a bill afterwards.

I’m 42 and I can count on one hand the amount of times he’s eaten out in my life - he’s always been so tight fisted, always refused to eat anything other than smart priced branded food at home that he didn’t enjoy, but it was cheap. So habits of a lifetime exacerbated by dementia.

He comes here twice a week, he eats loads. So it’s not illness/appetite. He’s just so bloody tight fisted that he’d rather starve himself to death than think he’s paying for anything.

The manger who he really likes keeps explaining, writing down that he doesn’t pay for his food. His doctor has visited numerous times and told him the same.

The home are really good. They are small and have a high ratio of staff so there is always someone with him to help him and reassure him. They help him, the residents don’t have to stick to mealtimes, the chef will make pretty much anything they like off menu, they have fridges in their rooms and communal microwaves for their own snacks but he won’t do that either as he said they will charge him for electricity.

His doctor told him that he would end up in hospital if he didn’t eat - his answer? “At least the food in hospital is free”

He’s going to make himself ill.

This is really tough isn't it, and relentless, they say we shouldn't ever deny something said, contradict or ask they remember what we said, but what else can you do here, I've had a lot of dealing with dementia in different forms with family members - both sides in last 7 years and you cant win if the only option is to convince them of something, you might have a short time win but that will pass, I wonder would a suggestion of some random woman's family who paid 6 months up front and was totally scammed out of it as she passed on and the home wont refund just give meal credit in the form of these vouchers the family cant use but he should ..play into his reality, even if it was for a few weeks.

God what a strain for you, op.

What about smoothies and milkshakes? Will he accept them by seeing them as drinks rather than food?

The other option maybe is to have nutritional drinks like Ensure prescribed to him by his doctor.

I hope in the meantime the home is focusing on him eating high calorie food when he does eat?

Yeah they are really good. It’s not a one meal for all type place. And they will cook anything the residents fancy as well at any time they like, they don’t have to stick to meal times if they don’t want to either, a lot of people have their own schedules for eating.

He won’t drink the milkshakes doesn’t like them. they have Tried all sorts of flavours and makes, he’s never been a fan of anything other than tap water.

Christ, he already thinks everything is a scam to get his money, that would just set him off!

I work with dementia sufferers and when some become paranoid about money I tell them it's all inclusive and has already been paid for by the government. Please don't get him a peg it doesn't work for dementia sufferers and makes quality of life worse.

My dad passed 10 years ago now ans suffered from alzheimers in the end, dementia for several years before that. He too was tight and we had money but lived a frugal life too.

You said he's not too far gone, so would he prefer to keep a record of his money? Could they give him a weekly invoice so he has something in writing so they can't "trick" him (he has evidence you see).

I know this may sound bizarre, but what about having them charge him? Give him some money each week and have them write him up a menu of charges with ridiculously reasonable prices. He hands over a 5 pence and they serve him his dinner. That way there is no hidden fee. He sees the bill, he pays the bill. There is no gotcha moment coming.

When he comes to your house and eats well, could you send him back with leftover meal for next day. Play along with him. Here you are Dad, take this with you so they can't charge you. Would that work?

I am sorry my lovely f’n’law had dementia and it was really tough. My advice would be to drop the idea of telling him he the food is free. Can you tell him you bought it from home ie you are cooking for him? Make a fuss asking if he likes it as you made it especially. I am suggesting this because you said he eats lots at your house.
we used to buy my f’n’law those nutrious drinks in a can.

I'm not sure if you're still going through this or if it's been suggested here but when I worked in a dementia care we had similar. I'd just make her simple things like sandwiches and a banana, pop it in a paper bag and say "oh your daughter dropped this off for you to eat, said you often took a packed lunch with you!" and she'd eat it. It wasn't much variety but it was food.

Some ideas, not sure if they would work.

Could they pack a picnic? You visit him with the picnic you they have made to eat?

Vouchers have already been mentioned. That sounds like a good idea.

What about a bill that has been paid? So on his tray (Assuming there is a tray when he's eating in his room) says whatever he is offered, "roast beef and veg £2.00 paid in advance"

Will he eat things like biscuits if he thinks you have bought them? Or fruit? Snacks?

Maybe something like a soup or a stew delivered in a flask that they can say, "your daughter dropped your lunch off"?

My aunt owned and ran an old people's home many years ago, worrying about paying for things wasn't uncommon.

With my grandma it was the opposite, when carers came in she didn't want to trouble them so would ask for a sandwich, when she went into a care home and someone asked her did she want chicken or beef she's pick something and eat it and then ask for bread and butter.

The only problem was that she had worked in my aunt's Old people's home, so she would try to get into the kitchen to check up on the staff.

She also took a shine to the boyfriend of one of the staff, it's quite funny to see a 90 year old attempt to flirt with a 25 year old.

I would add, he wants to eat your food. He feeds on it, not only physically but also emotionally. Obviously your food will have a taste that they will not be able to replicate but at least you could try to have him in plates and cutlery from your home with dishes that you usually cook at home or that your mum used to cook. Food brings back memory and a sense of well being. Hopefully if he is really hungry he will come to it. All the best OP. OP he did what he knew, make peace with it. Big hug, it's a tough one.

Would a menu with prices, but a few things listed as “free” or included” work?

My DF had dementia so you have my sympathies @LeeMucklowesCurtains

I wonder if you turned a £5 into 10p pieces, and put them in a purse for him to keep, the staff could give him a ‘menu’ with the prices on, and he can pay in 10p increments?

The staff can then just keep the money and when you pop in and see him, you can collect the money and ‘recycle’ it back into DFs purse.

Tricky to know just how savvy your DF actually is, as they can be lucid about some stuff, and not about others.

This is probably a bit of a bonkers idea but could you create some 'tokens' or 'free passes' that you give to him and he has to exchange them for food? Just download a ticket template and mock something up on a Word document and then print them off. Tell him you've bought the tokens for him and then he can 'pay' with the tokens when he wants food. Perhaps if he can see his stack of tokens and hand them over to eat, that'll reassure him he won't get a 'bill' later. Might not work but just a random idea!

The sad part is that people who are tight with money never really seem to know what they're 'saving for'. I have a relative who's the same. We used to joke he was the only man we knew who could peel an Orange in his pocket so that he didn't have to share! He has dementia now too and has a lifetime of savings that could have made his family's life more comfortable, just being leaked away on carers. I understand! 😔

Placemarking

I might be inclined to level with him. Thing is, they are charging him an absolute fortune for the 'food'. He knows that everyone is lying to him which is probably making him feel more paranoid. A family member of mine had a paranoid illness and then when everyone lied to her about her treatment, they used the fact that she was suspicious of them all as evidence of her illness and not evidence of her sanity in detecting that she was being lied to repeatedly!

I agree with the PP. Be honest. Tell him he's already paid for it and if he doesn't eat it he's just wasting his own money.

THIS IS OP! New registration.

Sorry, I deregistered and then never got round to re regging with my new email until now.

I have no idea what is going on with his
eating now, as quite simply, I’ve stopped caring.

He’s actually made me physically ill over the last couple of years, almost ruined my marriage and my relationship with my own children.

People (doctors etc) speak to me like I’m his fucking secretary, telling me all the things I “have” to do. I’m selling his flat which is a living hell at the moment.

I can’t care anymore.

I’ve told everyone to back off and I’ve told the manager in no uncertain terms that i put him in a home so I didn’t have to ravage my life anymore and they need to deal with medical things that come up. I’m not interested anymore.

I feel like I’ve missed my 2 year olds life because I’ve been dealing with my dads crap throughout and I am having it no more.

Dh visits him once a week and I visit him
once a week. We have him here every third weekend or so for a few hours when the emotional blackmail about being abandoned becomes too much for us to cope with.

He doesn’t look sick or thin so I assume he’s eating something. The most I will do is keep his biscuit tin topped up.

When he mentions money I just say “oh that’s a shame” and let him carry on whinging. Most of our visits we just sit in silence anyway while he tells us how shit we are or is off on a flight of fancy.

I know it sounds harsh but it was taking over my life. If I didn’t step back, I swear it would have killed me.

It all came to a head this morning, I had his old cancer team from the area he moved from call
me and ask why he’s missed appointments.

I had no clue who they were and they spoke to me like shit telling me what I “should” have done and what I “have” to do going forward.

No!

I’m not doing anymore. This should have been something his new GP had under control, not me. I asked numerous times when he went into
the home, was told everything would be in hand.

I gave the care home their number and told them to sort it out. I am sick to death of being the only person in the world expected to sort everything out for him, I can’t and won’t do anymore.

Are you his Next of Kin, @Pavlovascat?

They will have to run things past you if you are. It is ok to make boundaries and say "I can't do more" - services are so stretched that it is a lot easier to pressurise family to step in.

You are wise to realise what you can manage and what you can't.

I'm sorry it is so hard, but it does sound like you found a fabulous care home who are trying their very best to make him comfortable.

The muddle with his appointments is probably down to a new GP/change of staff communication mix up. Flag it up to them, get them to make sure they are the point of contact and you get told, as NoK, if things change for him.

Dementia is brutal.

Yes.

There is only me and my dad, no other family at all.

And I flagged it to them a million times. I can do no more than I have done, I have had to disengage.

They all know that I don’t want to know anything. What could I do anyway?

And honestly, my dad died a couple of years ago. The thing sat in that home isn’t him.

Sorry there is just so much venom in me.

I’m so fucking angry. I’m 42 with a young family. I don’t want to be living like this.

OP - I get where you are coming from. It gets too much for one family member to take on.

I find it helps to have days to myself and boundaries are important. I've had some disagreements with certain people who should be doing certain things (not my parent with Alzhiemer's) and quite frankly I am beyond caring now.