Father with dementia won’t eat.

[LeeMucklowesCurtains]

It’s not a symptom of the dementia, it’s because he’s lived his life so fucking tight with money, he’s like scrooge.

He is in a care home, has been since December.

He’s got it into his head that they will charge him for food. He doesn’t want to give anyone any money so he won’t eat.

He’s too far gone to realise just how much of his lifetime hoard of money is now going on his care, it would kill him if he understood.

We have explained to him that the food there is “free”.

The carers keep explaining it to him.

He has written promts telling him not to worry, he doesn’t have to pay for food. He can eat what he likes, he can ask for anything he wants at any time and they will make it for him.

I’ve told him that he’s won a competition to stay in this place and that it’s all included - that worked for a few weeks.

I’ve told him - “it’s ok, they send me the bills, I won the lottery so it’s fine”. Again, that worked for a couple of weeks.

I know it’s lying, but hey, what the hell can I do. He needs to eat.

They sit with him at meal times, favourite films on, a staff member eats with him in his room to encourage him. He won’t eat, keeps saying they will bill him.

When I visit they bring me the same meal as him and I sit and eat with him - he won’t eat his - tells me to stop eating it as I am an idiot and they will
send me a bill. Nothing I say helps.

They encourage him to eat in the communal dining room with everyone else but he rarely will as he says it’s a restaurant and they give him a bill afterwards.

I’m 42 and I can count on one hand the amount of times he’s eaten out in my life - he’s always been so tight fisted, always refused to eat anything other than smart priced branded food at home that he didn’t enjoy, but it was cheap. So habits of a lifetime exacerbated by dementia.

He comes here twice a week, he eats loads. So it’s not illness/appetite. He’s just so bloody tight fisted that he’d rather starve himself to death than think he’s paying for anything.

The manger who he really likes keeps explaining, writing down that he doesn’t pay for his food. His doctor has visited numerous times and told him the same.

The home are really good. They are small and have a high ratio of staff so there is always someone with him to help him and reassure him. They help him, the residents don’t have to stick to mealtimes, the chef will make pretty much anything they like off menu, they have fridges in their rooms and communal microwaves for their own snacks but he won’t do that either as he said they will charge him for electricity.

His doctor told him that he would end up in hospital if he didn’t eat - his answer? “At least the food in hospital is free”

He’s going to make himself ill.

I’ve told everyone to back off
GOOD. Well done. It was time for you to pay attention to your own life and child. He’s in a care home, his care is their responsibility and they’re being paid for it. And it sounds like a very good care home.

I hope you can continue to push back all the “you need to” and “you have to” and “have you tried this”. What if you lived abroad, they wouldn’t have a convenient daughter to badger then. I can see why none of the suggestions in this thread would work, it’s just an impossible situation. Just forget all of them. You simply cannot reason with dementia. Next step will probably be to reduce and then stop the visits to your home when he gets worse.

I’ve seen a family member almost destroyed by a situation like this and it’s so wrong. Doctors and the like will try to guilt trip family members into being the elderly person’s assistant, because it’s easier for them.

You couldn’t have done anything about his situation and you’ve done your very best to try to solve a problem that can’t be solved. He’s in the situation he’s in because (a) he’s an extreme, lifelong tightwad and (b) he has dementia. That’s it. You did your best, you’re still doing a lot more than a lot of people would by visiting him and having him in your home, and it’s time to save your sanity before you get really ill.

Thank you.

If anyone tries the “you need to” language, like they did today, they get told to stop. I’m past the point of politeness.

I tell them that no, he’s not my child. I don’t “need” to do anything. He’s paying handsomely for 24 hour care. They have access to his GP. They can sort things out for him.

The colorectal nurse today gasped and said, “but he’s your father!”

I was told over and over what an evil daughter I for shoving him in a care home by his friends. Who all buggered off - not heard a peep from any of them. They weren’t willing to lift a finger to help, even when I was crying on the phone and begging them to help him when I lived 3 hours away and no one would help - GP said he was fine, SS said he was fine even when he was hallucinating and talking nonsense about people that weren’t there in front of them.

Yes, this is shit for my dad. I would rather be dead than live the life he is now. So would he.

But few people appreciate the toll it’s taken on me, my mental health and my family. I’m just expected to soldier on and take everything that’s thrown at me.

FWIW I do understand a bit, because of what happened in my family. It was absolutely horrendous. It affected me quite badly even though I wasn’t the one directly in the firing line like you are.

The only way to protect yourself from people like the colorectal nurse saying things like that, is to not be there. He’s being looked after, you can step back. I hope you feel better soon.

Yeah, I was caught on the hop when she called.

She had my number as NOK and was calling yo
fins out why he’d missed 3 appointments, 3 hours away from where he lives now.

At his last appointment last July he was still living on his own and “fine”.

They had no idea that he had dementia, or moved into a care home 3 hours away to be nearer me.

I “should” have told them. And I “should” have told the GP about them. Even though I didn’t know he was seeing them… I’m supposed to be psychic on top of everything else.

That is really hard, @Pavlovascat. I suppose the issue is that the change of address should have automatically updated the GP, consultant and anyone else involved in his health/needs.

He is safe and cared for. His needs are met. No one will keep you safe, or cared for or meet your needs other than yourself - ad it sounds like you are doing a good job of that.