Hi UrbanDad.
Yes, I was in your friend's position (so really this should be post number 2 not 259 on this thread).
When I was pregnant with DS1, DH (Jewish, from family of Holocaust survivors, non-observant) and I were driving home one dark night. He said: "I've been thinking more about circumcision and I'm coming round to thinking that we should do it".
So, firstly, I thanked my lucky stars that it was dark so he couldn't see the expression on my face. Then I went quiet. Then I decided that if he mentioned it again I would research the law on the issue (ie who has to consent - can you research this for your friend by the way?).
It was scary - it was as if he had suddenly turned into someone else. I felt very protective towards the unborn child.
Luckily, it dawned on him after a few days that the child was not Jewish and this brought him round to my point of view, which he realised was all the stronger for being expressed through silence. Having accepted that the child was not being invited into the religion, this made it easier for him to tell his family that it wasn't going to happen.
His grandma later asked whether DS1 was circumcised. he said "no". Grandma said "you should have done it - it's dirty not to". To my astonishment, mild-mannered DH said: "It's none of your business grandma".
He told me later that Grandma has a great respect for people who know their own business and butt out of that of others. He had clearly been preparing an appropriate line for when the inevitable question was asked.
So in summary:
- the husband is probably going through a bit of a phase like DH did caused by awareness of impending fatherhood - she should be kind about it - the family are probably going through something similar. It may be a delayed reaction to him marrying out. It's hard for them. They will probably settle as our family did once the deed is not - or NOT done I should say.
- As a back-up plan, your friend should establish for certain that she has the legal right to refuse to circumcise. If she is breastfeeding she won't be leaving the boy with them in infancy anyway will she? But suspicions of this nature are pretty extreme aren't they, pregnant or not?
- The fact that the child will not be Jewish is probably the best argument.
- "It's our business" is probably the other best argument.
Anyway, all DH's relatives love our boys, accept them as they are and I certainly would not hesitate to leave them with their relatives. They have held back from telling DS1 (6) the sadder parts of the family history. Do you think your friend might need to learn a bit more about her DH's culture? Respect cuts both ways after all. Their distress should be treated with understanding and compassion. The child is lucky to have two religious heritages and Judaism has a lot going for it. For a start, they have a much better attitude towards presents! (one each day during Hannukah rather than 10 at once as we do at christmas). She must make it clear that she is not turning the child completely away from that part of his heritage. DS1 has "My First Passover" books, etc from the relatives. She should learn more about their point of view and the reason for their distress and make it up to them in a way that doesn't involve chopping foreskins off.