Is this weird?

[Dannybo]

Hi

I’m divorced from my wife of 15 years. We have 3 kids - 13, 10 and 6. She said that I didn’t make enough of an effort, that I spend too much time online and that she feels I spoke to her in a less than loving way at times. She claimed to our lawyers that I was abusive in my behaviour - not physically but she felt I was controlling.

I initially admitted to have gotten quite laid back, suffered from some depression and I admitted to chatting a couple of times to women online. From my pov my ex could be quite childish and needy. Ok no excuse. I owned up to my behaviour and tried to sort it out when she first talked of leaving. I really do love her and my kids but things weren’t fixable. She said she couldn’t live with me and my attitude’ anymore. I’ve never laid a hand on her but I admit I can sometimes be impatient.

So here’s the clincher. We work together. I recommended her for the job in my office. I’ve just found out from colleagues that she had told them she had been sleeping around during our separation. Some of the details were very graphic so I’m obviously devastated. To make matters worse, she has been promoted and is now…. my boss.

I am really struggling with this. If I am that bad, why does she want to stay where I work and why if I’m abusive does she want to be my boss? I know for a fact she has also told female colleagues that she ‘has to make herself look good’ in work so that our colleagues know she is not responsible for our marriage breakdown. I feel like my head is spinning. I have been compliant in the divorce, and will do my utmost to make
sure she and the kids are taken care of financially. I am going to be left with very little and can’t afford to quit my job.

I do care for her and am trying to get on with things but she does not speak or interact with me at work, passing any communication through a deputy.. Is there anyone out there who can tell me if they think this is weird? It has me feeling so depressed on top of everything else.

Cheers for reading

There are two sides to every story and by the sounds of the way she’s behaved since the breakup, showing intimate pictures of him to colleagues (termed revenge porn and illegal) and bad mouthing him and sexually shaming him to his colleagues in their shared workspace, it certainly sounds like she was more than capable of abusive behaviour within their relationship. She’s certainly well within the grounds of abusive behaviour since the relationship.

if a male boss was doing this to a woman he was a manager of at work…, revenge porn and sexually shaming, i think the response on here would be much more outraged.

if she had chatted to some men online in their relationship, would that what the response ok or proportional?

Of course it wouldn’t

No, of course it wouldn't be acceptable. No idea why you think I'd think it was

💯 this.

I am struggling to understand why she wants to stay around me much less be my boss.

You've said this so many times - this belief is holding you back.

I doubt she wants to be your boss or stay around you, but she wanted a managerial job and she got it. Why would she reject that promotion just to avoid you?

As so many others have said, go to HR with the sharing of sexual images.

and/or

Start applying for other jobs.

Staying there moaning and disrespected by colleagues is harming no one but you.

Yeah I'm still thinking she should be reported to the police. She's operated illegally, no matter what state their marriage was in prior to that. Doesn't give anyone the right to break the law.

On one level she should. She’s broken the law and done something really nasty.

But on another way he has to balance up how her behaviour will effect his relationship with his kids.

I think he probably has to do something in case her Behaviour gets worse and he ends up in a custody care or in dispute with her

it’s a very tricky situation

Oh totally, I get his hesitance to report it as she's the mother of his children. I just can't believe anyone would distribute pics of themselves at work of them giving their husband a bj or dressed in bondage gear. That shit is private and why aren't his colleagues mocking her as well for it? I'd die of embarrassment.

Also the masturbation thing. A guy wanting is hardly earth shattering news, so why are thr colleagues taking the piss out of a normal thing? Fucked up behaviour on all accounts and at the very least should go to HR for sexual harassment.

Apparently not 💔

Thanks for she support not. I didn’t apply, no interest. I just feel it is completely bizarre that she claims she was so unhappy with me but wants to stay in a place where she has to see me every day.

If you were separated then the relationship had ended.
whether you were ready for that or not is no consequence to her and fair enough. It’s sounds mean but you brought it on yourself when you were chatting to other women.
hood for her on the promotion - why are you not happy for her?! Odd!
just get another job. Problem solved.

OP is getting a hard time here.

If roles were reversed, I can't believe anyone would be excusing the fact that the man had shared explicit pics of his wife. He would get roasted. But it's OK for a woman to do it cos "her husband TALKED to other women online" at one stage during their marriage.

The sexism on this site is unreal.

you are confusing a romantic/love relationship with a colleagues/work relationship.

she doesn't have to go home with you, she doesn't have to put up with your personal behaviour etc.

it's work. a different ball game.

But it’s ok that she is sharing intimate photos of me, getting me a nickname, having colleagues mock me, talked about her sex life and still been promoted? Ok.

We still live together.

Oh poor woman ! you said you are divorced, is the house taking too long to sell.

You didn’t say that she was sharing intimate photos of you etc, which of course that is not right. You didn’t post any of that!
no need to go on the defensive with me about it!
put a complaint in, report it to the police, get a new job.

Read the full thread. He absolutely did.

I said it on more than one occasion.

Not making any of it up. It’s a very difficult situation, which I am struggling with but cheers for the support. Jesus some people here are rotten like. Makes you wonder why a support forum exists. Thanks to those who have heard me out with patience.

If OP was looking to stir something up on MN, I doubt he'd post on dadsnet which gets significantly less traffic than other topics. He'd probably post in AIBU or somewhere.

Your post is harsh.

Thank you for intervening admin to the unnecessarily harsh and cruel posts.

I think the problem here is that you have criticised essentially parts that are no longer anything to do with you. If she wants to sleep around etc then that is her choice. In all honesty you have to tell people that you are not interested in hearing or seeing the proof it if it will just upset you. You need to close off - for your own good.
really I guess what your post is about is the fact that she has released personal embarrassing information - it wasn’t made clear at the start in all honesty. There just isn’t any excuse. Have you spoken to her about any of it? What is her response? I would not approach her about who she is sleeping with etc just the bits that affect you.