Is this weird?

[Dannybo]

Hi

I’m divorced from my wife of 15 years. We have 3 kids - 13, 10 and 6. She said that I didn’t make enough of an effort, that I spend too much time online and that she feels I spoke to her in a less than loving way at times. She claimed to our lawyers that I was abusive in my behaviour - not physically but she felt I was controlling.

I initially admitted to have gotten quite laid back, suffered from some depression and I admitted to chatting a couple of times to women online. From my pov my ex could be quite childish and needy. Ok no excuse. I owned up to my behaviour and tried to sort it out when she first talked of leaving. I really do love her and my kids but things weren’t fixable. She said she couldn’t live with me and my attitude’ anymore. I’ve never laid a hand on her but I admit I can sometimes be impatient.

So here’s the clincher. We work together. I recommended her for the job in my office. I’ve just found out from colleagues that she had told them she had been sleeping around during our separation. Some of the details were very graphic so I’m obviously devastated. To make matters worse, she has been promoted and is now…. my boss.

I am really struggling with this. If I am that bad, why does she want to stay where I work and why if I’m abusive does she want to be my boss? I know for a fact she has also told female colleagues that she ‘has to make herself look good’ in work so that our colleagues know she is not responsible for our marriage breakdown. I feel like my head is spinning. I have been compliant in the divorce, and will do my utmost to make
sure she and the kids are taken care of financially. I am going to be left with very little and can’t afford to quit my job.

I do care for her and am trying to get on with things but she does not speak or interact with me at work, passing any communication through a deputy.. Is there anyone out there who can tell me if they think this is weird? It has me feeling so depressed on top of everything else.

Cheers for reading

All a bit cuck porn.

I have no idea what this means.

It was inappropriate to promote her to your direct manager given your relationship. Take your evidence about the gossiping to HR and the ex’s manager to support your case that it is inappropriate. Say that you consider her discussing your sexual activity as sexual harassment and bullying. Say that she is undermining your professional reputation and she has demonstrated a lack of respect and professionalism.

Check all your policies around gross misconduct, corporate values etc and see what policy her actions fall under.

She’s a nasty piece of work and one of you is going to have to go. If you want to stay, you are going to have to go on the attack before she starts down the old chestnut, performance management.

Stop being nasty.

I watch my kids and I’m a parent.

You’re just point scoring

if I go to hr she might lose her job.
I have no idea whether she will or won't, but your colleagues are also showing pictures and talking about you and they need dealing with from a bullying perspective.

If you refuse to go to HR then it's probably time to look for another job. In the meantime tell your colleagues that enough is enough and any more of the pictures being shown you will go to the police as its a criminal offence. That should hopefully stop that side of it.

As for the marriage, cheating, divorce stuff you really need to let it all go. You cannot change the past, it is over.

I would be rude back to you but can't be arsed. I am trying to help if you bothered reading properly.

Exactly this.

Although i world add, she’s the mother of your children and you need to keep a relationship with her

even when she has been a nasty bitch i would strongly consider just playing the long game here and getting out of that work place.

It’s not fair but it might be the only way you’ll win in the long run

getting into a work dispute with her will make your relationship with her very difficult, and do you really want your kids in the middle of that shit storm?

If you do decide to fight her thru HR i recommend going to your union if you have one and getting some help. Or a lawyer. You’ll want a chunk of compensation if you leave

All this drama.
I realise you are upset, separation and divorce is challenging.
The last thing you need is this drama at work.
Get a new job, somewhere people don't know you or your ex, work hard, parent your children and enjoy your time with them.
Live a good life and don't worry what she's up to, it's not your concern now.
Appreciate this fresh start and learn from all this fallout, design your new life and live well.

Cheers. You’re right. It does just feel that it seems it’s ok for her to be doing what she is. I believe she has a vendetta in taking the job. I realise I have failed as a husband but I feel she has taken the job to put two fingers up at me.

Your workplace sounds awful. Why is everyone there talking about their sex lives, your ex included? Very unprofessional. And very childish of them to take the piss out of you for masturbating, what are they, 12? Everyone masturbates. They need to grow up.

Obviously she shouldn’t be showing anyone photos of you, but I guess when you put dick pics out into the world, that’s the risk you take. She clearly has no qualms about sharing images of herself either, but she has no right to share yours so you could 100% report her to the police for that. Or just speak to her and tell her that you will if she doesn’t pack it in. Boss or not.

However it sounds like you were separated when she was sleeping with other men. That’s none of your business. You’d split, but were still living together, that’s quite common for most cohabiting couples, there’s an overlap. It took me 3 years to finalise my divorce and both my XH and I had other relationships throughout that time, neither of us saw that as infidelity, the divorce was just a formality that neither of us were in a rush to finalise.

As for her promotion, why wouldn’t she go for it. She clearly has the skills required for the position as she got it. She shouldn’t have to stay at the same level as you just so that she didn’t become your boss. Is there any way you can move within the company? I’m sure HR would be understanding of your position, especially given the nature of the workplace - they must be aware of the toxic nature of the place.

Then you put 2 fingers up to her and the rest of them, stick a smile on your face, move on and crack on with being the best parent you can be to your children.
Time is a great healer.

And it isn’t nasty to point out that she didn’t “get you to watch your kids”, that’s just what parents do. Maybe that attitude is part of the failure of the marriage, not taking responsibility for parenting but seeing it as helping her out, then being shitty when that’s pointed out to you.

Agree with PP your best move would be to find a new job and leave her to the perverts and childish antics at this business. You’d be better off out of it.

It is very childish and yes toxic. Nothing stays private even the managers pass on private information about health and very private information. She told people about the masturbation. I do appreciate what you mean with her having the right to go for the job but because she has went out of her way to portray me as a villain who has made her miserable I am struggling to understand why she wants to stay around me much less be my boss.

I hope you get a partner soon then you can go to work and tell everyone what a wonderful time you are having !

Gross

Why do you consider that to be gross please @mouseyowl ??
Is the OP not allowed to get on with their life and, should they meet a new partner, let the ex and people at work know that they are getting along just fine ??

You are full of contradictions.

No, you didn't put her forward for her job, and I guess you both applied for this promotion and she got it and you are bitter as a result.

\She is not your boss unless she owns the company ? that you work for, she is your manager - big difference

As for you being abusive in your marriage, what on earth has that to do with her promotion ? she was obiv chosen is being the right person at the right time for the position

There is nothing in this world stopping you from moving on with your life and getting a new job / or a promotion yourself
and now as you are no longer married you can continue to enjoy ' chatting a couple of times to women online. '

I think the previous poster found it distasteful to encourage the OP to stay mired in the fucked-up points-scoring mess of this workplace by making it about him finding a new partner to 'show off' rather than encouraging him to simply exit with dignity and get on with his life.

If I were the new partner, I would feel very uncomfortable with the OP flaunting his relationship with me to a group of obviously toxic people as though I was some kind of victor's trophy. Life is not about 'winning', life is about being happy and at peace.

It's not about flaunting or showing anyone off. Merely saying they can move on with their life with someone else and put all the nonsense behind them.

So she's willingly distributed private intimate pics of you at work? I can't believe what I'm reading.

It's a matter for HR and the police and if she loses her job so be it. It would instant dismissal at my work place on account of the fact it's against the law.

All the people saying get another job and move on.... ermmm yes that's a given but the fact she's breaking the law is surely the bigger issue here. I'd report her to the police.

Showing off a new partner to the old workplace is not 'putting the nonsense behind you', it's continuing to care so much about what a bunch of toxic people think that you feel the need to go back and try to prove you've 'won' by showing them you've met someone new.

Putting the nonsense behind him would be leaving, having nothing more to do with anyone from there (apart from the co-parenting obligations with his ex), and giving them zero further headspace.

There’s nothing in his world stopping him APART FROM THE FACT that he said he’s got no money because of the divorce and he needs the job.

That’s pretty standard for people who are divorced to have a big money worries asa result.

It’s huge.

Added to that, he didn’t want this divorce, he didn’t want to split up, and he doesn’t want to leave his job also.. oh and he’s said he’s being humiliated at work and he’s depressed

that is not to say it wouldn’t be the best thing for him to leave the job , but they are some very big and understandable reasons for him to not wish to make another big change when he is already feeling down, probably with low self esteem, and genuine money difficulties.

She had left you, just not legally separated. My parents were still married for six years after my mum left, neither of them were 'cheating' when they were with other people. Let this part go, she didn't cheat.

The part about telling colleagues about your private life is awful and absolutely should have happened. Sorry that's happened to you.

She applied for the promotion because it was a good career progression for her, nothing to do with you at all. You really need to find a new job if you want to live a happy life, yes you shouldn't 'have' to but you'll be happier for it.

I can't believe this thread is real, the drip feeding is insane.

If he didn't want the divorce and he didn't want to split up, he should have stopped being so lazy, disinterested and chatting to other women online. He should have listened to his partner and upped his game. He only did this when he realised she was serious and was no longer interested in him.