Is this weird?

[Dannybo]

Hi

I’m divorced from my wife of 15 years. We have 3 kids - 13, 10 and 6. She said that I didn’t make enough of an effort, that I spend too much time online and that she feels I spoke to her in a less than loving way at times. She claimed to our lawyers that I was abusive in my behaviour - not physically but she felt I was controlling.

I initially admitted to have gotten quite laid back, suffered from some depression and I admitted to chatting a couple of times to women online. From my pov my ex could be quite childish and needy. Ok no excuse. I owned up to my behaviour and tried to sort it out when she first talked of leaving. I really do love her and my kids but things weren’t fixable. She said she couldn’t live with me and my attitude’ anymore. I’ve never laid a hand on her but I admit I can sometimes be impatient.

So here’s the clincher. We work together. I recommended her for the job in my office. I’ve just found out from colleagues that she had told them she had been sleeping around during our separation. Some of the details were very graphic so I’m obviously devastated. To make matters worse, she has been promoted and is now…. my boss.

I am really struggling with this. If I am that bad, why does she want to stay where I work and why if I’m abusive does she want to be my boss? I know for a fact she has also told female colleagues that she ‘has to make herself look good’ in work so that our colleagues know she is not responsible for our marriage breakdown. I feel like my head is spinning. I have been compliant in the divorce, and will do my utmost to make
sure she and the kids are taken care of financially. I am going to be left with very little and can’t afford to quit my job.

I do care for her and am trying to get on with things but she does not speak or interact with me at work, passing any communication through a deputy.. Is there anyone out there who can tell me if they think this is weird? It has me feeling so depressed on top of everything else.

Cheers for reading

Not ideal to work together after a divorce.
Can you get a new job?
If she's just been promoted it's not an ideal time for her to leave.

Ps: Not 'laying a hand' on your wife is not a badge of honour, it's the fucking minimal. Assault is illegal even if you are married.

I find the scenario a bit strange. So work colleagues are coming up to you and telling you graphic sexual details of your wife's exploits? She telling people in the office about her sex life and now she's the boss?

I would look for another job and I would ask my colleagues to stop telling me about her sex life.

It sounds like you need to leave the job mate.

Whatever the reasons for your divorce, if she’s now your manager, and she isn’t able to manage your working relationship professionally then either put in a complaint about her behaviour or get out as quick as you can

you’re on a real sticky wicket

Again you can’t get away from being in a relationship with her because you share kids. I think play it smart and get another job.

It’s not fair but it’s the reality of the situation

the only other thing would be to have a calm word with her saying you believe she’s been talking about your private life with colleagues and it needs to stop.

But i think basically you’ve already lost this. Get out of dodge and count yourself lucky to be away from her

Sorry if the laying a hand comment sounded bad not my intention. I’m just bad with words. But I can’t get my head round why she would apply for a promotion after divorcing me knowing she would be my superior. We were the same rank before this which is when she told the colleagues about the sex stuff. We were still married but I didn’t know that was going on.There were apparently at least 4 different men but she has taken my money because I was lazy and spoke to a woman online? I didn’t sleep with anyone else. She was meeting up with men in hotels, so I’m told. I’m angry. She gets a promotion my home my kids but she was sleeping around during our relationship?!

Yeah. I hear what you’re saying. It’s not fair what shes done, spreading lies about you. Must be horrible to think that people are speaking ill of you being your back.

You're contradicting yourself. In your OP you say that she instigated the divorce because of your behaviour. That she slept with colleagues during your separation. Now you're saying that she slept around during your relationship.

What do you mean she's taking your money? Do you mean the money you're paying for maintenance while she's the resident parent?

If this is all actually true, I would make it an absolute priority to get another job. I'd worry about the why, how etc regards the accusations of infidelity at another time! Get a new job asap.

It sounds odd that more than one work colleague would tell you this about the sleeping around. Doesn't quite make sense

But I can’t get my head round why she would apply for a promotion after divorcing me knowing she would be my superior.
Why can't she do that? Im sure you would have gone for it too if you had met the job criteria.

Tell your colleagues to stop tittle tatting as you have no desire to know about your exs social life. You have a colleague problem here not a ex problem.

I’m all over the show. Yes she slept with them during our marriage. So I’m told. You’ve no idea what these people are like. Nothing is private. And I’m struggling with why if I’m so bad, why she wants to be my boss? She maintains I’m the one who didn’t put enough effort into the relationship.

We moved into a house built by my folks. They sold it to me. So she moved in. Now I have to downgrade to give her a huge sum to buy a house for her and the kids. She’s not only taking money from a house my father built but she’s now my boss in a job I put her forward for.

It’s true. She confided in them as they were her team mates prior to our separation.

Sounds like a new workplace is just want you need. A new start and a chance to heal, let go of the past and move forward.

(What)

If I am that bad, why does she want to stay where I work and why if I’m abusive does she want to be my boss?

Why wouldn't she? It's not all about you. Why wouldn't she go for a promotion now that she's divorced? I don't understand your train of thought.

Because she told our lawyer I’m abusive and told my colleagues the same. I’m not abusive! She claims I’m abusive but wants to be my direct line manager?

Ok but if she's that bad why haven't you started looking for another job? Why shouldn't she go for a promotion?

And obviously she should have some of the assets, you have children together and were in a relationship for years.

She claims I’m abusive but wants to be my direct line manager?

To get some control back?

You need to leave.

She is sending out the message that she has moved on and basically doesn't care.
You need to find another job and get away from her, move on yourself. You could find something with better pay and a new environment will probably do you good.
I really do feel for you having to be in that situation daily.

I didn’t know until a few days ago about her affairs while we were married. Our divorce came through 2 weeks ago. I came here because I’m trying to process it all. She was cheating on me, I didn’t know, didn’t get to mention it during the divorce hearing, now she’s the winner, I didn’t cheat, was stupid enough to believe she wasn’t happy and this was all my fault. I wasn’t unfaithful. Lazy and laidback yes, but I loved her. Why should I leave the job when I got her in and have provided so much for her? She told a female colleague she had to make herself popular with the males so that they would think she wasn’t responsible for the marriage breakdown, and now many of my colleagues think I’m an idiot. She’s my boss and when I try to speak she will blank me.

She’s been in control throughout it seems

Really? When you were not making any effort, spending too much time online and talking to other women online?

It always seems to come as a surprise to men who behave like this, that their wives eventually decide that they've had enough.

Why are you believing the colleagues who sound like shit stirrers?

So people are gossiping saying she was cheating but how do you know it’s true?

And a surprise to women when men leave too

no need for you to revel in it though

Not revelling in anything