Is this weird?

[Dannybo]

Hi

I’m divorced from my wife of 15 years. We have 3 kids - 13, 10 and 6. She said that I didn’t make enough of an effort, that I spend too much time online and that she feels I spoke to her in a less than loving way at times. She claimed to our lawyers that I was abusive in my behaviour - not physically but she felt I was controlling.

I initially admitted to have gotten quite laid back, suffered from some depression and I admitted to chatting a couple of times to women online. From my pov my ex could be quite childish and needy. Ok no excuse. I owned up to my behaviour and tried to sort it out when she first talked of leaving. I really do love her and my kids but things weren’t fixable. She said she couldn’t live with me and my attitude’ anymore. I’ve never laid a hand on her but I admit I can sometimes be impatient.

So here’s the clincher. We work together. I recommended her for the job in my office. I’ve just found out from colleagues that she had told them she had been sleeping around during our separation. Some of the details were very graphic so I’m obviously devastated. To make matters worse, she has been promoted and is now…. my boss.

I am really struggling with this. If I am that bad, why does she want to stay where I work and why if I’m abusive does she want to be my boss? I know for a fact she has also told female colleagues that she ‘has to make herself look good’ in work so that our colleagues know she is not responsible for our marriage breakdown. I feel like my head is spinning. I have been compliant in the divorce, and will do my utmost to make
sure she and the kids are taken care of financially. I am going to be left with very little and can’t afford to quit my job.

I do care for her and am trying to get on with things but she does not speak or interact with me at work, passing any communication through a deputy.. Is there anyone out there who can tell me if they think this is weird? It has me feeling so depressed on top of everything else.

Cheers for reading

I’m assuming like you she needs to work to live. Better for her that she is your boss than letting it happen the other way round.

OP I think you need to separate out the various bits of your post

Why did she go for a promotion? why did she say I'm abusive? It's not fair...
You will NOT get answers to these questions and yes, it may seem very unfair. I urge you to draw a line under it. I know this is a flippant thing to say but honestly you will tie yourself in knots. She's not going to change her mind, she has drawn a narrative (whether true or not) that is her reasons for divorce. You will not change her mind

But if the divorce is finalised then you cannot change it.

Focus on building yourself back up, planning your future and being the best father you can be.

She is ignoring me and using a deputy to communicate
Now this feels like an untenable situation and one that could blow up for you, her and the company.

Can you request a transfer?

Do you have the ears of anyone more senior? If so I would put a meeting in to discuss the situation. Keep it professional. Do not bring the rumours, your marriage or her behaviour outside of work into it.

I would highlight that this is potentially an HR time bomb for them and it is therefore in everyone's interest if one of you is moved

I would also seek advice of ACAS.

In work, keep it professional, keep notes of every interaction that feels less than on the level.

But honestly I say again, to move on, you really need to stop looking back and questioning 'why'

That’s fair enough but I did try to improve make it up to her take her out etc but she refused. I didn’t sleep with several other people, come and tell mutual colleagues about our personal lives and brag about infidelity. She caught me masturbating one night and told colleagues about that too so I’m being goaded about that. I’ve never badmouthed her to anyone let alone my colleagues. A colleague showed me screenshots she had sent of herself in bondage gear for her lover and evidence of threesomes while we were married. My colleagues have now given me a nickname which I get called daily because she told several of them about the one off time she caught me masturbating.

Why?

She’s being horrible mate. Horrific and abusive.

It’s interesting that she accused you of being abusive and she was having affairs and is publicly shaming you at work. It’s disgusting behaviour of her. It’s no wonder your feeling depressed.

You seem to be a but passive and woe is me. You checked out od your relationship and your wife decided it was enough. That’s her choice.

I don’t understand why your just sitting and listening to your colleagues. You’re not their for their entertainment. Why haven’t you just said “look mate, I don’t want to hear it”.

I’ve been shown screenshots of her with another guy on a website. And another contacted me to show me some rather explicit messages she had shown them way before our separation. I’m not the only person who is angry here. There are another couple of staff members who are furious that they were her listening ear when she was apparently being treated so badly by me and who apologised to me for helping facilitate her affairs because she was so unhappy but who are now quite rightly disgusted because she doesn’t want to know them now she’s their superior. One of them has also told me she was coerced into writing a poisonous pen letter to one of the men’s wives, after that man dumped my ex.

I knew nothing about ANY of this until last week.

Because I’m doing my best to be professional while pictures of my private parts are being shared amongst my team? Cruel nicknames and threats of photos of me being printed out? Because I can’t do anything because it’s my new boss who has done this and who has the upper hand😭?,

If that is the case then you take this to HR immediately. I take it you have a HR department? While you are there can you ask about a transfer to a different section so she isn't your line manager?

It's a crime to show intimate images of you to another person without your consent. It's an invasion of your privacy and you should be looking into getting some legal advice about that situation....

She is entitled to apply for promotion, indeed she is wise to. She is entitled to sleep with as many men as she wants to as you had separated.

you need to be looking for another job.

Your workplace sounds absolutely toxic and deeply unprofessional.

Huge conflict of interest here working together, I wouldn’t feel comfortable being either of you in this work scenario. That being said you’ve got divorced and your ex wife is likely trying to secure herself financially so the promotion makes sense as does not talking to you.

Im confused by the “she had an affair” when you said earlier she was sleeping with people only after you separated.

You’ve said you were chatting to other women online during your marriage, that is cheating. Irrelevant of whether you had sex with them that behaviour was disloyal and disrespectful to your wife.

I don’t understand her saying to colleagues about her sexual encounters either, sounds very messy and unprofessional.

My advice would be to get distance between you both personally and professionally and to move on with your life. Brewing on the ifs and why’s of the divorce and fallout etc won’t achieve anything.

We were still married though not legally separated. Is it ok she is showing my dick pics to people?

We were still married though not legally separated.
You don't have to be legally separated to be separated you know. You just have to say the magic words of it's over. (Or on a break).

Is it ok she is showing my dick pics to people?
No. That's a criminal offence. Go to HR as well.

If you were no longer in a partner relationship, even if you were living in the same house while you sorted out new arrangements, then you were separated and she can sleep with who she likes. Many people remained married for years after separation before getting around to the formal divorce; they are not cheating on their ex.

If you have evidence that she has been showing pictures of your dick to your colleagues, she could get in serious trouble with both HR and the police if you choose to pursue a complaint. If I were you, I would make sure that my own record of sharing personal information about her or images of her was absolutely pristine before pursuing a grievance however.

We were not legally separated. Just sleeping in different rooms of the same house. She had me watch our kids when I now know she was going out for sex. She has also succeeded in turning many colleagues against me and damaged my reputation as revenge. I’ve not spoken about her in a bad light to anyone but am struggling to see how it’s ok for my boss not to talk to me or pass private information around about our lives. This is killing me. If I leave the job she succeeds in pushing me out.

so what? It isn't a competition, it is your life- do the best thing for you, and just go, and the sooner you do, the more dignity you will be leaving with.

I’ve never shown anything about her but I have been shown by colleagues who she shared info with before her promotion. On a daily basis now I’m referred to by a derogatory nickname because she shared the masturbation story with colleagues and a photo of her giving me head (just her mouth and my dick)

She had me watch our kids
You mean you were being a parent. Childminders watch kids.

I see you are ignoring my questions about HR, why?

We were not legally separated.

It sounds very much as though your relationship was over though, so let this one go.

If I leave the job she succeeds in pushing me out.

Another way to look at it is that you would be choosing to give yourself a fresh start away from the stress of working under your ex and with a group of people who have serious issues with behaving professionally.

If a girlfrined is treating you badly, you don't stay with her out of sheer bloody minded determination not to be 'pushed out' by her toxic behaviour. You decide this isn't a good place for you to be, and you find somewhere better.

It doesn’t matter if you were legally separated… the relationship was over and she considered what you had done online cheating which you don’t seem to be taking accountability for.
You both sound hurt, upset and still trying to grieve the relationship.

This silliness around showing pictures and rumour spreading is understandably hurtful to you, but unfortunately not uncommon for people to do bizarre and childish things when they are upset.

I do understand this work situation is causing you much distress, but battling with eachother in that forum won’t do either of you any good. Consider what’s best for your own well-being, is it staying and having this constant battle of wills or moving on and getting some peace? Absolutely get that financially you can’t just leave your job, perhaps have a discussion with her superior or your HR to intervene. It’s a bonkers conflict of interest and not good for either of you.

It sounds like an absolute hotbed of gossip and shockingly bad boundaries on a number of fronts.

Frankly, I would be looking for a new job as a first priority, and would worry about whether to lay a grievance/take it to the police once I was out of that toxic hellhole.

Fear. She lied about where she was going then made herself out to be a squeaky clean parent in court.

if I go to hr she might lose her job. In my opinion she does not deserve to be a boss but it’s still a hell of a scary thing to pursue. She flirts with my male colleagues and I’ve heard words used like ‘co*k and bj’ to her now subordinates. How do I even think I’d have a case against her if they laugh at this?

So what if she 'pushes you out' ... pfffttt to all that. You need to leave and move on to save your sanity.