Ex refusing use of the term “step-mum”

[Iamadaddoinghisbest]

Hi everyone,
this is my first post, so really hoping for some helpful responses here…

I met my current partner (now wife) 18 months ago and we got married a couple of months ago, around 12 months after getting engaged.
we moved in together around 6 months after initially meeting and made sure to integrate my 6yo daughter into the process to make sure she felt able to discuss any concerns and feel included.
My daughter stays with us 3 nights per week and is very happy in her home life with us.

My ex partner (mother to my daughter) has, since the beginning, expressed continual disapproval of our relationship and at numerous occasions attempted to control how we live in our house:
-commenting on where we do our shopping
-dictating routines in our house
-insisting I don’t choose clothes for my daughter to wear
-involving my daughter in communications to me “tell Daddy he never returns the right clothes” etc
-constant judgemental behaviour and constant messaging even after (on a number of occasions) telling her I don’t want us to message each-other other than on handover days or in an emergency.
-insisting that my wife doesn’t kiss my daughter.

Currently she is now insisting that we cannot use the term “step-mum” or any other variant (bonus mum, extra mum etc) that implies the use of the word mother for my wife.
My wife and I have never pressured my daughter to use any of these terms and at all points explained she can call her whatever she feels most comfortable with. She wants to say Step-Mum because she has friends who also have step step parents so we have just allowed it.

Her mum is insistent that this is forbidden and even told my daughter “just because Daddy & xxx are married doesn’t mean that she is your step mum” and offered no explanation to her.

My daughter came to me to discuss this and was clearly confused and upset and now if the opinion that my wife isn’t actually part of the family but just a “friend” of mine.

Looking for some opinions on this.
My wife is legally my daughters step-mum so I don’t feel she has any right to contest anything here regardless of whether she likes it or not.

Things will probably settle down as time passes, I wouldn’t make a big issue of it. Just keep ensuring that your daughter feels comfortable to talk to you openly and honestly. I’m sure if your ex eventually gets married herself your daughter will refer to him as her step-dad

You introduced a new girlfriend very quickly. Engaged after 6 months?! There is NO WAY you had your daughter's best interests at heart during this timeframe, no way.

I imagine the ex is concerned because you weren't putting your 4 year old daughter first during this time period, it moved so quickly she probably predicts it may well not last.

I think there are some ways to make things better. Try understanding your ex wife's position.
Your ex wife is your child's mother. Just because you have chosen your new wife, does not mean that your ex has also chosen her or approves of her being around your daughter. She tolerates it. Your daughter is young and impressionable. Your wife probably feels that the title of stepmother should be earned. It involves trust, consistency, respect and longevity. Just because "legally" that's her title, it does not mean your child's mother has to accept it, or that she "trusts" your wife to actually fulfill that role. It can cause a lot of anxiety for your ex, handing your child over to a stranger, and that's what your wife is to your ex.
The instructions your wife gives needs to be followed to the letter ( as long as they are not intrusive, arbitrary or controlling). Your new wife can help to ensure that happens so that trust can begin to be built up. Also your wife is not your daughter's mother and should understand that whilst she may care for your daughter it is you and her mother who have to agree and work together to bring about solutions that work for everyone.
Talk to your ex with empathy and respect her concerns ( even if to you, they aren't rational/ important) because they are important to her. She may not want your daughter overly attached to your wife until she herself is certain of who your wife is and whether she is someone she can truly trust to ensure the wellbeing of her child.
Time is required and patience. As your daughter grows up, she will assert her own position, children love people who love them, and your daughter will be the one who will likely persuade your ex of your wife's character etc. So be patient and time will ease the awkwardness etc. No point arguing over the title of stepmum. Just tell your ex wife to explain to your daughter exactly why she is opposed to this title. It's really your ex wife's issue. You just want your daughter to be happy.x

@Iamadaddoinghisbest , my reply was to @2chocolateoranges , not you.

But was there a 4 year old child involved?

That would be weird, I agree @lionobserving
DD uses first name almost 100% and only says step mum when referring to my wife when chatting to other people/kids.

she likes the term and even asked if there was a day of the year for step parents as she wanted us to celebrate “step-mum” day.

@789C The ex doesn't get a choice and cannot dictate what other people will refer to the OP's wife as.

She needs to get on with her life and stop screwing her child up.

BTW I'm called "step-mother" by other people including in positions of authority in relation to my DP's DC. I am not married to my DP and won't ever be if we stay living in England.

Your wife is not ‘legally your DD’s step mum’, there is no such thing.

She is legally your wife. She has no legal status in your DD’s life. She does not have parental responsibility or any right to make decisions etc. it’s just an honorary title, really.

Bring a Mum is more than being married to Dad. Your Dd has a Mum, and many mothers would feel v sensitive about another woman being called any sort of mum to their child. After such a short relationship.

Just refer to your wife by her name when talking to your Dd.

As I said, I step parents have no legal rights.
The courts can give them rights under very specific circumstances

The ex wasn't putting her own child first when she was having her own affair.

Have you read the thread?

The child calls the OP's wife "step-mum" when describing her to other people. Day-to-day she is called her name.

This is completely normal. Most people who had a step-parent from childhood do that.

I think you should just tell your daughter the truth, which is that your wife is legally her step mother. However, her mother does not like this term - you can tell her that you don’t know why - but as it makes her uncomfortable it would be kinder to her mother not to refer to your new wife as a “step mum” in her presence at least for the moment.

You are very much sidestepping the point that you and your now-wife moved very fast when there was a small child in the mix and you don't seem to understand why your Ex is struggling with that

You are making up a lot of stuff to attack over and over. He said his ex left.

Before you accuse him of not marrying her, maybe she didn't want to marry because of having more money than op.

I'd be concerned as well. This relationship has moved very quickly. Maybe, your ex thinks you care more about your needs and wants than your daughter's. Your ex can't control what your daughter calls your wife. She can't control how quickly you rush into relationships and she won't be able to control anything when/ if it all goes tits up (65% of second marriages end in divorce) but she's the child's mother and sounds worried about the impact of your relationship on your child.

You're quite right. That may well have been the case.

What should he do now? Should he divorce his current wife?

I was kind of prepared for a lot of the responses I am getting regarding the length of the relationship.

Throughout the past 18 months, at all points when the mum has expressed disapproval, judgement or attempt to control, I have tried to as openly and calmly tried to explain and resolve situations by addressing DD feelings and trying to always focus our discussions on her and what is in her best interests.

That said, I have also needed to lay down some significant boundaries to remind mum that I am in a new relationship where we are entitled to have our own life and home rules, as long as DD is happy and supported.
It was a controlling co-dependant relationship that has taken me a long while to recover from.

Respectful communication has always been my aim accompanied by respecting my own boundaries and protecting my family life at home.

After all, DD is the centre of this, and her happiness should come before anything else and in my opinion, if she wants to use the term step-mum, I don’t feel why either parent should actively discourage this.

My wife is legally my daughters step-mum so I don’t feel she has any right to contest

Your wife is "legally" your daughter's step parent only in the sense she is married to you. She has no parental rights.

If she is this worried about impact on her child, she should not have emotional affair and then leave op.

Can you explain what legal right the mother has to tell the father, who is a functioning adult and an equal parent in law, how to parent?

The new wife is not "legally" her step- mother. The step mother has no rights or responsibilities for his daughter.

The mother is her daughter's parent so patently has those rights. Equally father has parental rights. The step- mother has none. She isn't "legally" a step- mother.

How long from meeting your wife to introducing your daughter to her? You're ex-wife sounds very manipulative but as I said previously, the speed of it all and the rushed approach to everything wasn't in your daughters best interests and will have played into your ex-wife's hands. If mediation isn't an option then you're simply going to have to ignore her and hope she gets bored of it all.

I did warn that you would get the Mumsnet ''All men are bastards'' posts.