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Original poster

Son’s mother telling him he is ill when he’s not

565 replies

Dylan222 · 02/03/2023 23:23

My 12 year old sons mother has told him that he has ADHD and is that he is Autistic, her parents have also told him.

However he does not have ADHD and is not Autistic. It looks to be a type of child abuse called Fabricated Illness by Proxy. I have been working with his GP to get Social Services involved, his mother has been falsely stating to people for the last few years that my son has these conditions, however this week was the first time she has told him.

Any advice please on how I should approach it with my son? I have explained the situation as clearly as I can to him and confirmed that he does not have ADHD or Autism, but I don’t know whether to talk about it with him more or just let him come to me if he is worried about it.

Thank you

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
lifeturnsonadime · 03/03/2023 09:53

I am have been trying to tread a thin line. He hasn’t been diagnosed with ADHD or Autism

this is a lie though.

He has been diagnoses. You reject the diagnosis.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 03/03/2023 09:53

Cocobutt · 03/03/2023 09:50

This is more common than many people realise.

It’s sometimes physical illness but it’s increasing that it’s mental illnesses or SEN.

I’ve known parents to lie about their children being able to walk and they’re strapped in wheelchairs or prams 24/7 which did ultimately affect their development and then lead to walking difficulties.

I’ve also known someone to lie for years that their child had ME and the child was removed from school and not allowed out to play etc and then 15 years later it turned out she never had it.

With these physical illnesses it’s much easier to determine whether they are actually ill or not (even though as above they do slip through the net), it is almost impossible to determine when it’s a mental illness or SEN.

This situation is very difficult.

I know many parents of children with obvious SEND but cannot get an official diagnosis or EHCP.
Some people have to fight for years just to be listened to.

I work with SEND students and there a some that could easily cope in mainstream and there are some in mainstream that cannot cope and would be much better with us.

He may be masking his behaviours at school and with you or she is lying.

I would keep in contact with the school.

I would also have a private assessment done and ask the school to be involved.

I would also try and get mediation (maybe even with the school) so you and her can talk about these issues and get to the bottom of why she wants him diagnosed.
Does she want him medicated?
Can he not have help put in place by the school and at home without having a diagnosis?

My Dps ex was an absolute nightmare for pulling these stunts. Dss school attendance was down to 64% at one point, she was constantly making out he was ill and making him believe it too. When he came to live with us he was utterly shocked when he had a runny nose and I told him to get his uniform on for school, he didnt realise it was possible to go to school in those circumstances.

knittingaddict · 03/03/2023 09:54

The op has said in his other thread that his son has a diagnosis. He also says she lied to get it and the person doing the diagnosis relied on false information and didn't talk to his 12 year old son.

She either struck very lucky with having a tame expert give a false diagnosis or something else is going on here.

ConfusedNT · 03/03/2023 09:55

Dylan222 · 03/03/2023 09:52

No it’s horrible, I am have been trying to tread a thin line. He hasn’t been diagnosed with ADHD or Autism, his school are stating that they do not think he has it, but his mother is stating to him that he does, and appears to have used him for fraud. So .. its tricky

But he has been disagnosed. You said so yourself. He has had a private diagnosis.

Your refusal to accept the diagnosis to your son could also be damaging to him.

slightlyslumamama · 03/03/2023 09:57

saraclara · 03/03/2023 09:43

@slightlyslumamama read all of this father's posts on this thread. Not just the OP. Your questions have already been answered.

Thanks but I was typing, distracted (funnily enough had to stop to take a call from CAMHS) and then finished what my post.
I am now up to-date and the whole thing seems strange and I think dad is not being helpful .. also concerned might be my ex!

RoseslnTheHospital · 03/03/2023 09:57

I don't see how fraud is a possibility. If you mean she is trying to claim benefits (DLA? Carer's Allowance?) for him then that is assessed, it doesn't automatically come with a diagnosis. From your description he likely wouldn't meet the assessment criteria, so I don't see how a claim would be likely to succeed.

NumericalBlock · 03/03/2023 09:57

"Labels often don't help children"
They do. They really actually help. With 'labels' (or diagnosis' as we should call them) they can, in theory, access extra support. Not only that but you have no idea how it feels to be an undiagnosed adult wondering why you can't seem to cope like the rest of the world. Diagnosis provides professional validation and rights to reasonable adjustments in the workplace and further education, which is massively beneficial as well.

MyriadOfTravels · 03/03/2023 09:59

What I see though is a child caught up in the middle if a fight between both his parents.
courts involved, investigations etc… but somehow you havent done the most basic thing if having him assessed yourself - privately.
Then you can answer his questions truthfully - Yes or No does he have autism or adhd.

Your ds is suffering because of this fight. Maybe it’s you protecting from his mum. Maybe you’re wrong and has rightly been diagnosed with autism. I really don’t know.

But the starting point is to stop bringing the fight between the two if you to your ds. Have him assessed by a professional. Then talk to him about the result. Do NOT tell him he doesn’t have autism etc… you don’t know.
Dont make him take sides. Because asking him if he believes he has autism is doing just that.

knittingaddict · 03/03/2023 10:00

I doubt very much that SS, The family court, The NHS and LEA would be involved if it were a simple case of the dad not agreeing with a diagnosis.

You'd think that wouldn't you Lotsofthingstoconsider. However a relative of mine has had her abusive ex involve the school, doctors, SS and the family court in his abuse. All lies, all easily proved to be lies and went nowhere. All authorities 100% on her side. Just waiting for the next instalment, and there will be one.

thelionthewitchtheaudacityofTHISbitch · 03/03/2023 10:02

Dylan222 · 03/03/2023 08:50

Yep she did. This is her exact phrase -‘his level of social understanding is simply unachievable for a child on the Autistic Spectrum’

This is a statement that comes from someone with pre-conceived ideas about how children and people should present with ASD. It is very dangerous. As others have repeatedly told you school professionals cannot diagnose ASD or any other condition. To also add - if your relationship with your child's mother is acrimonious you will be causing a lot more harm.

Original poster
Dylan222 · 03/03/2023 10:03

I am not sure, his mother took him to see a private doctor who provided an ‘opinion’ (not a diagnosis). It was described as an assessment but the doctor only spoke to his mother. His schools Senco subsequently stated that it was not inline with DSM-5 diagnostic criteria for Autism. I have spoken to the National Autistic Society and the NSPCC, and their position has been the same essentially that the assessment didn’t take place, as the doctor did not see or speak with my son as part of her assessment process of him and that he was only seen on one occasion by someone in her office who was not a doctor. The symptoms he showed at the time were difficulties with sleep, refusal to go to school and aggression towards staff at school, but those disappeared after the assessment, after the distress that his mother was causing him had stopped.

OP posts:
Cocobutt · 03/03/2023 10:03

He did, his mother took him too it, unbeknown to his school or myself. She applied for a ‘opinion’, lied about him to the private doctor, who gave the opinion that he was severely Autistic (ADOS 17) and may have ADHD.

OP can you clarify whether he has an official diagnosis or not?

I read it as he doesn’t but some posters have read it as though he does.

It sounds like someone has said he COULD be severely autistic and have ADHD.

Now if a medical professional said this then I would be like the mum and fight for a diagnosis.
However, if he is SEVERELY autistic then he should already have a diagnosis and wouldn’t be something you can mask as well.

Oblomov23 · 03/03/2023 10:03

He has been diagnosed. He's had a private ADOS assessment and thus he has been diagnosed.
I too was accused of Fii by school, who didn't believe ds1 had AS. It's a very serious allegation that you are making against his mother.

slightlyslumamama · 03/03/2023 10:03

Leaving thread as OP cannot seem to get their story straight and I really do think he might be my ex!

twat

NumericalBlock · 03/03/2023 10:04

Bloody hell I reread and have discovered that he has actually been diagnosed but because his mum chose the doctor and paid you don't believe it. You need to shake yourself FFS your child needs you to support him not insist that he's not autistic. Just because you have a preconceived idea of what asd and adhd are it does not mean you, or your ex-teacher mother are correct. Both conditions are far more in depth than the "naughty boy" and "won't look you in the eye" ideas.

DarceyG · 03/03/2023 10:04

FatGirlSwim · 03/03/2023 09:32

Well if you were told it, it must be true then!!

I’d love to know how diagnosis brings lots of extra money! If you mean DLA, that’s hot nothing to do with diagnosis.

Show quote history

I am just repeating what a couple of people told me in my job. I’m not an expert in such matters but I definitely agree it’s wrong to tell a child that they have something without a diagnosis.

Original poster
Dylan222 · 03/03/2023 10:04

Nope, he has not received a diagnosis.

OP posts:
Cocobutt · 03/03/2023 10:04

Sorry cross posted.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/03/2023 10:04

Dylan222 · 03/03/2023 09:01

No he has not, both myself and his school have attempted to get an assessment through the NHS to clarify the matter, which has failed. I have made repeated attempts to gain consent from my sons mother for him to undergo a private assessment for ASD, she has repeatedly declined to provide concent.

I didn’t know you needed both parents’ approval. Have you asked at what age your ds can consent?

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 03/03/2023 10:04

Dylan222 · 03/03/2023 08:50

Yep she did. This is her exact phrase -‘his level of social understanding is simply unachievable for a child on the Autistic Spectrum’

Well that's simply not true. Stbxh wouldn't believe our kids were Autistic right up to the point where they were diagnosed with Autism. School psychologist didn't believe they were Autistic, and they all mask well. Our eldest appears ro has a very good grasp of social skills, she's smart, masks very convincingly, and can mimic what she sees around her. The gap can, but doesn't always, widen as they get older and social interactions become more complex. You'd be doing your child a huge disservice by ruling Autism and ADHD out on the basis that various people who aren't qualified to do so have decided he's not Autistic.

DarceyG · 03/03/2023 10:05

DarceyG · 03/03/2023 10:04

I am just repeating what a couple of people told me in my job. I’m not an expert in such matters but I definitely agree it’s wrong to tell a child that they have something without a diagnosis.

Show quote history

Not really any need to take that attitude.

MyriadOfTravels · 03/03/2023 10:05

Dylan222 · 03/03/2023 09:52

No it’s horrible, I am have been trying to tread a thin line. He hasn’t been diagnosed with ADHD or Autism, his school are stating that they do not think he has it, but his mother is stating to him that he does, and appears to have used him for fraud. So .. its tricky

And please

HAVE HIM PROPERLY ASSESSED BY A PROFESSIONAL
(sorry for shouting)

You are ex NHS. You know that it’s essential.
You’ve spent thousands to go to Courts. Just spend a couple if hundred to put yours and his mind at rest.

It will give you some peace of mind. And it will give yet another piece if evidence.

Whether your ex lied to protect herself, is wrongly claiming benefits etc… isn’t your problem. Your problem is your ds.
And what will help him is to know where he stands.
And to have someone outsider ye family to talk to. Is he having counselling to help him through the situation?

JustKeepBuilding · 03/03/2023 10:06

Your previous thread stated the doctor diagnosed DS. No mention of ‘opinion’ on that thread.

Cocobutt · 03/03/2023 10:06

So if he doesn’t have an official diagnosis, why hasn’t she got one done?

DrBlackbird · 03/03/2023 10:06

Regardless of what’s going on between you and your ex @Dylan222, based on your previous threads and the pattern of language use and repetition of posts in this thread, have you considered getting an assessment for ASD for yourself? It could be extremely helpful for you. You would also be in a more informed position with respect to understanding your DS.