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Original poster

i need a male perspective.

39 replies

cba · 18/09/2007 09:50

ok guys, dh and i have three children, two boys 6 and 4 and dd who is two. I have just found out i am pregnant, massive shock.

kids will be 7,5,3 when baby born

dh is not sure he wants the baby. his reasons are that it will affect family life too much and our relationship, i.e. sex.

he also said that it would be too much for my body. i said i would get a mothers help to come in a couple of times on a morning and at tea time.

i also said i would make sure we had a sitter once a fortnight to go out. he goes on as though we never go out, ok not every week but at least once a month.

and as for the sex, yes we are not rampant, at it all the time but who the fuck is with three kids.

also add that dh works alot and away and i have brought the three children up practically single handed. the day after i came out of hospital with dd he had to go away on business for three weeks. i got up the next day and still did the nursery run and got on with it.

please share your thoughts as a man

OP posts:
BigGitDad · 18/09/2007 11:44

As a man I do not know what to say, you have it tough and I think having one more will impact on you far more than him by the sounds of it.
What is your view on it?

totaleclipse · 18/09/2007 11:47

I am not a man, lol, but you seem to have it all planned out, meaning you want this baby, so I think by not having this baby, it would cause an even bigger strain on your relationship.

Original poster
cba · 18/09/2007 12:06

hi everyone, i have been to the doctors this morning to discuss options but sat waiting for 30 minutes, i had to leave without seeing dr as i had to pick dd up from playgroup.

i had a quick word with dh he asked why i went to the doctors i told him and he just said oh.

he said i have to do what i think is best for the family but also us a couple. he dosent want it to affect us as a couple, so it is entirely up to me. and, if i keep the baby he dosent want any excuses for things that we cant do as a family.

i am totally torn.

OP posts:
paddlinglikemad · 18/09/2007 12:15

CBA..am in same boat..am 7 wks pg and have appointment booked at clinic for friday I have 3 kids under 6yrs money is tight and we are feeling strain already with 3 ne'er mind 4..it is a really hard decision though and am still not convinced I will be able to do it ..y DH is also saying 'whatever you want to do' etc etc which doesn't really help , he has also emphasised that if we had 4 the onus is on me to cope and not 'whine' about it ....feeling for you

BigGitDad · 18/09/2007 12:20

If you are talking about about termination then the implications are hugely different for you than for him and I would say follow your own instincts and do not let him bully you into a decision you are not comfortable with, other wise you will only resent him and that could possibly cause the end of the relationship and then you may have regretted the termination anyway if you see what I mean.

FCH · 18/09/2007 12:26

I'm not a man either, but presumably he was there when you concieved and understands where the other 3 children came from? Perhaps he should be taking a little more responsibility?

expatinscotland · 18/09/2007 12:36

This is your body. He was there when you conceived. If he didn't want any more kids then he should have had the snip.

I have zero sympathy for men who say tripe like this:
'if i keep the baby he dosent want any excuses for things that we cant do as a family. '

He is part of that family. He chose not to have the snip and/or use a condom every single time and the result of that is that babies get made.

Sorry, but there's been a spat of selfish asswipes whose wives have fallen pregnant and the father's gone on like a 4-year-old about how it will affect him and there's just no excuse for loser, immature behaviour like that.

expatinscotland · 18/09/2007 12:38

The onus is on you not to whine about it?

Who's the one doing the whining?

Excuse me, but if my daughter were married to a twat like this he'd better keep looking over his shoulder.

Original poster
cba · 18/09/2007 12:39

htanks expat, you have made me feel better. perhaps it may not be good, i have to disregard my dh comments and think about the impact it would have on our other children

OP posts:
Original poster
cba · 18/09/2007 12:40

hi paddling, not a nice feeling is it. i will think of you friday, will be here if you need to chat about anything.

is appointment at the clinic just for consultation or have you gone a bit further than that.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 18/09/2007 12:41

Your other children will have a sibling.

There are many people in this world who have 3 siblings and survive. They don't starve to death in this country as a rule.

They can even be encouraged to help out. This helps them learn about how a family is a team unit, just like Mum and Dad are a partnership unit.

expatinscotland · 18/09/2007 12:42

If he doesn't want anymore kids then he's the one who should have an appointment at a clinic - a family planning one, to get a referral to see a consultant about vasectomy.

ProfessorGrammaticus · 18/09/2007 12:44

Totally agree with expat. But I'm not a man, so I won't say any more. Good luck.

JeremyVile · 18/09/2007 12:44

Totally agree with Expat.
He is being an utter twat, trying to absolve himself of any responsibility either way.
Of course another child will affect your life, how could it not?
But he's making sure he has a ready made answer for any future problems... You chose to have the baby, you promised it wouldn't cause problems.
Wanker, the more I think about it the worse it gets. He is a selfish, weak-willed arse.

paddlinglikemad · 18/09/2007 12:45

having a consultation first then I can go ahead that afternoon if I want to, the hardest thing is that DH is being so cold about it all carrying on as if it's an everyday occurence...I too have disregarded his comments whether we will survive this I don't know , but in my heart of hearts I beleive I am making the right decision for myself and my other kids but what the hell I will feel like afterwards I don't know ..will keep in touch....take care of yourself..

expatinscotland · 18/09/2007 12:49

I would be very wary of any clinic that allowed such a serious decision to be made with that little turnaround time, paddy.

So, when is his appointment with the consultant for the vasectomy?

I mean, he doesn't want any more kids enough to bully his wife into having a termination she's not sure she wants, that must mean he's really serious about not fathering anymore children and will do his part to accept some responsibility for their procreation by getting sterilised, right?

There have been numerous posters on here who had terminations they were NOT 100% sure about on here and every one of them is now full of problems and guilt. Not so those who were really, really sure this was for them - but even they have issues about it.

So it's honestly NOT something to do unless you're really, really sure.

TigerFeet · 18/09/2007 12:51

Totally agree with expat. It is completely out of order for him to be putting the onus on you to make the decision. You made the baby together, you decide what happens together. And as for impacting on family life, wtf? Family life would include dc4 but there is no reason why that can't be a positive thing? I only have one child so I can't really comment but surely having 4 isn't that much harder than 3?? And as for the sex thing, he needs to grow up imho.

I'm not a man either, but I happen to know that dh would agree with me. He is damn careful to make sure contraception is in place if we are not ttc. Probably better at it than I am in all honesty. The idea that procreation or lack thereof is a woman's problem is old fashioned and wrong.

paddlinglikemad · 18/09/2007 12:58

Expat..I know what you mean re:clinic, but it is the only one in the area and I will know by whether I am able to walk in there whether I am able to do it..as for DH well now he has shown how weak/unsupportive he is at times of stress I'm not sure whether we will have a relationship left either way.
But one thing is for sure, until he gets a vasectomy I won't be going near him for a long long time....

Original poster
cba · 18/09/2007 13:01

paddling, keep your chin up. how old are your children?

OP posts:
paddlinglikemad · 18/09/2007 13:02

nearly 6yrs, 2yrs and nearly 10 months.....

HappyDaddy · 18/09/2007 13:03

I agree with expat, the dh's putting pressure on are acting like arseholes. If they didn't want children, either get the snip or stop having sex. All this "it's your decision" bullshit makes me sick.

From the OP, if he's working away so much then HE's the one stopping you doing things as a family, not his bloody family.

Original poster
cba · 18/09/2007 13:05

you are right happydaddy, i said i will get help. he even admitted last night it wouldnt affect him that much as he is working so much and it is just the wrong time as he is so stressed with work.

OP posts:
Original poster
cba · 18/09/2007 13:07

paddling will think of you, it is not easy, i know.

OP posts:
Hurlyburly · 18/09/2007 13:08

I agree with expat. I am utterly dismayed by the "you can have it (it!) if it doesn't affect me one iota" line of argument

cba, you asked for a male perspective. I am not a male. Neither is expat (I don't think). It is interesting that mine and Expat's responses are much more grumpy than the mens. I am also interested as to why you felt you needed a male perspective on this?

paddlinglikemad · 18/09/2007 13:08

I think CBA that he just doesn't want to be the one to make the decision....it sounds like you could cope finance wise and that you have a gut instinct to keep the baby...go with what you think and it sounds like he will just follow so to speak