Wife slept at another mans house

[KMELBK]

Hi everyone,

I’m looking for a bit of advice. I’ll try to be concise. My wife and I have been together 7 years, married 2 1/2. We have 2 kids, a boy (4) and a girl (8 - who I have adopted). We have a very happy life, great relationship, no real problems other than the odd family drama.... except...

I don’t drink. My wife does. This has never been an issue. Over the past 12 months she’d made some new friends and been out a few times with them and got really drunk. This has happened maybe 3 or 4 times in the past year so it’s not like it’s all the time. She always comes home, even if in the wee hours.

Yesterday we were at a friends wedding with the kids. It got to about 1130 and the kids were really needing to leave. My wife wanted to stay on with her friends and this was not a problem. The wedding was at a venue less than 10 mins from where we live.

She didn’t come home. I couldn’t get in touch with her. I was worried sick until she arrived home at about 10am this morning. She had ended up staying at a guys house from the wedding. She says nothing physical happened and I’m almost sure I believe her on that one. I know the kind of state she may have been in and potentially not capable of anything like that. She says she passed out on his sofa - woke up to a reminder on her phone - panicked and left. The timeline fits. I have my doubts about the story as well as my trust has been completely shattered. I’m trying to believe her. Regardless of whether anything physical happened I feel totally betrayed and don’t know what to do with this feeling. We had to spend the day at my parents today which was awkward but then spent all evening talking things through. We came to the conclusion that my wife's drinking is problematic and something to support as best we can. We also came to the conclusion that I believe nothing physical happened.

However, I’m now laying in bed at 1am and can’t sleep with all this rattling around my head. I want to believe her but do doubt it. I’m not sure it makes a massive difference if anything physical happened or not - the trust is gone. I don’t want to dictate anything because that can’t be an aspect of our relationship and never has been. I don’t want to not trust her. I don’t want to separate. I will never know 100% if anything physical happened so what the hell do I do with that?

I just feel sick and don’t know what to do and don’t really know what I’m asking other than any advice anyone has.

Your wife definitely has a drinking problem, and passing out/sleeping at another man's home is completely unacceptable. I can't fault you at all for having lost your trust in her. Why wouldn't you? She drinks beyond reason and makes horrible choices, which not only damage your marriage but could place her at very serious risk of assault or making terrible decisions. My thoughts are that she needs to stop drinking and agree to counselling to try and work through this, if repairing your marriage is something you want to do. I would be VERY suspicious as to what really went on at this man's home, same as you.

Just to add because I neglected to say in the above... I am very sorry for the hurt you're going through. It must be soul crushing.

Maybe you need to talk to her some more about why she ended up at this guys house? Maybe it was a friends brother or someone she already knew who just offered her a place to crash. If she was drunk she probably wasn’t capable of thinking straight or logically. Personally I wouldn’t like to get that drunk myself and she probably does need to seek counselling for her drinking. In a way just be glad that she’s safe and didn’t end up passing out in the street somewhere. There are some nice people out there, not everyone would take an advantage of a drunk woman or man for that matter. I’m surprised that her “new friends”, (were they at this wedding too?) weren’t looking out for her. Friends would usually put a drunk friend in a taxi or walk them home late at night. Maybe these “new friends” are not really friends at all if they are just drinking friends and not concerned for her welfare if she gets that drunk.

She got drunk 3/4 times in the past year?? Guys, that isn't a drinking problem! I understand why you are upset, totally, but she isn't an alcoholic.

Struggling to see why it's such a problem... she slept in the same residence as a man, without anything physical taking place...

Struggling to see why it's such a problem... she slept in the same residence as a man, without anything physical taking place...

Yeah, so she says. All we know is that she ditched her husband and children to get drunk and spend the night at some guy’s house (while being uncontactable to her husband all night). Unless there were other people there to corroborate her account then I think cheating is more likely than the old ‘falling asleep on the sofa’ excuse. Sorry OP.

So would it be such a big deal if she fell asleep on a women's sofa?
I think the problem is she likes to get drunk and you don't like her getting drunk. You either live with it or she's prepared to change.
I don't see a problem with one person staying at a wedding do to enjoy themselves if you are both in agreement.

Aquamarine1029 I think counseling is an over reaction, she drinks 3 or 4 times a year not a week!. I know when I drink too much it's because I've been bored at home all week, my husband doesn't want to drink, I've started chatting to some friends and I'm enjoying myself.
The problem is if you don't go out much then when you actually do you can go over board, a seasoned driver won't have this problem as they have alcohol tolerance.

Drinker not driver!!

Where were her friends? Why didn't someone call you if she was that drunk and not too far from home. She needs to reflect on her poor decisions, by which I mean the people she was with clearly weren't caring for her, and she put herself in a very very dangerous position.
I am sorry you're going through this.

On reflection, the fact she was 10 minutes from home isn't good, I like to give people the benefit of the doubt as alcohol is a strong drug and the choices you make whilst drinking are not what you'd normally make. If she wasn't with good friends then it is a worry. I've been out late with good friends, my late is 1am/2am. If I go out with certain friends my husband knows I won't be home until late. But I'd never stay out that late with people I don't know well, and never with a man my husband doesn't class as a friend. E.g. I've stayed out late with a group of friends, one being a man who we are mutual friends with BUT there were also female friends of mine out. It's very tricky. No one wants to feel disrespected.

I don’t think getting drunk 3/4 times per year is a problem, but it depends how drunk. Drinking with friends and coming home a bit worse for wear at 1/2 am, fair enough. Getting smashed and somehow ending up on some random guy’s house ‘on his sofa’ when you are 10 minutes from home where your husband and children are, not okay. Sorry OP, I don’t buy that she just slept on the sofa. I would be livid if DH did this with some random female. She was obviously so smashed she made bad choices that she wouldn’t have otherwise made.

It sounds feasible to me that she drank too much and just passed out on someone’s sofa. Have you got any particular reason to think she may have cheated other than the fact it was a man’s sofa?

A few random thoughts ( and I'm not justifying her behaviour I just think there could be some very small mitigating or big condemning circumstances that could clarify stuff for you, hopefully)

Did she know this man prior to the wedding? Was he a friend and someone you have met before? Was he in the group she was with when you left? If yes - well I have a few very close male friends and my DH would be pissed I hadn't contacted him if I passed out on one of their couches, but his mind wouldn't be going to the cheating space yours is. If not - well ... not good at all. Be justifiably cross and explain where here behaviour is taking your mind.

Did part of or the whole group go back to this guys house, and she just wiped out and the rest left? If yes - maybe not so bad, if just her then ... not good - because why the hell is there any reason that this is this okay or not dodgy. Why on earth would she have gone there?

While three to four times a year isn't really leaping into full alcoholism, it would seem she can't control herself when she does drink and therefore binges, and needs to stop drinking to the point of annihilation. That cannot be fun to watch by you or any of her other friends. I don't think it's a call in the counsellor situation - it's a lesson to learn to police yourself better because you act like a dick when you do drink.Or just not drink at all. Point out to her how vulnerable she makes herself, and how many predatory men there are around just waiting to find a woman in her state at the end of an evening.

Does she black out when she drinks? Binge drinking often equates to big holes in the recollection of the evening. If she does, well anything she tells you is liable to be only a partial truth. Ask her if she remembers all the evening. Puking always went with blackouts in my drinking days, till I learned what a complete tosser I was when I reached that stage. So ask her if she was vomiting or if she puked the next day etc. It's not an iron clad test but that much alcohol usual equals time on the porcelain throne the next day.

Also if she was that drunk, her story about nothing happening may well hold up. ask a couple of her new "friends" exactly how pissed she was. That may also be the reason she couldn't get a cab or no one put her in one .She was far too messy. Maybe the guy was simply being nice, though I could be a completely naive numpty saying that.

Don't feel guilty about not trusting her for now.Ask her as many questions as you need. I don't drink either any more and to be honest , if I did and knew I'd end up in that state, I'd make sure either my Dh or a very good friend was around to haul me out of the venue or send me home , not rely on some random "new mates" that obviously have no issue with the vulnerable state she allows her to get herself into.

Silly woman. You sound like a decent guy. I hope for your sake she's not lying and you can put your mind at ease.

Drinking 3-4 times a year is not a drinking problem surely!

Do you have other reasons to think she did something? Did she know the guy or was he a stranger?

Men and women can just be friends without it meaning they're shagging!

Shit happens ! My DP has done this and I didn’t really care. It happened once but in all fairness I knew he was smashed so wasn’t overly surprised. She should have got in touch but sometimes you get carried away and if it’s a one off it’s not a big deal. I don’t understand why you’d assume she was cheating. You know she likes an occasional drink and you’ve said you’re generally happy together so why would you think she’s cheating just because she happened to get pissed and pass out at a man friend’s house? She’s also not lied about that fact - surely she’d have said she was at a girl’s house if it was anything suspect?

I’m sorry you’ve had such an upsetting experience - I’ve been on the receiving end of this sort of behaviour (pre-kids) and I know how distressing it is. I also know what it’s like to be the non-drinker with a partner who enjoys drinking a lot and it’s tedious at the best of times.

I am seeing some massive double standards here in the responses however. There are frequently posts here from women whose partners have gone out and gotten similarly pissed and not come home til morning - if they say that their DH does this rarely, they’re accused of being a controlling thief of fun. I’ve never seen accusations of a drinking problem in such a situation either.

You need a very frank discussion with your wife as this really isn’t on (whether you’re male or female) when you have kids. What’s going on with her, why the change in behaviour, etc.

And that’s not getting into how dangerous it is to get absolutely wasted and then pass out in a random person’s house.

How does she know this person? How did she end up back there?

I am seeing some massive double standards here in the responses however. There are frequently posts here from women whose partners have gone out and gotten similarly pissed and not come home til morning

These men are normally reported to have stayed over at a friend’s rather than to have gone home with a strange woman they met. I think the answers would be different if that were the case.

She does not have a drinking problem 🤷‍♀️

I just cannot imagine doing this. Or having DH do this. I think we'd always go home together. Particularly with the kids.

ExH I did once leave at a wedding because he wouldn't get in a taxi but we were all going to the same hotel and there were other taxis. He was steaming drunk and got massively publicly abusive. So I'd tend to think not a great thing to happen and probably not a good sign.

I enjoy a drink and sometimes have a few too many.

But I really don't think this is OK.

Ending up at some complete random's, and (at best) passing out?

No, not OK.

Having said that, I think couples where one likes a drink and the other's teetotal is basically incompatible.

If my husband did this i wouldn't be able to trust him for a while, plus why go to another mans house when you live 10 minutes away? It was dangerous and inconsiderate of her

She's lying.

Having said that, I think couples where one likes a drink and the other's teetotal is basically incompatible.

My DH likes a drink and I’m teetotal. Works pretty well for us. I don’t like alcohol so don’t feel I’m missing out. I can’t remember the last time my DH got completely drunk. Probably while we were at uni when I did used to drink. Me not drinking is my choice. DH loves it because he always has a designated driver.

Having said all of this, we leave events together unless we’re staying at the venue. Then I’ll go to bed when DD needs to and I’m ok with that.