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Original poster

Wife slept at another mans house

78 replies

KMELBK · 27/05/2019 01:03

Hi everyone,

I’m looking for a bit of advice. I’ll try to be concise. My wife and I have been together 7 years, married 2 1/2. We have 2 kids, a boy (4) and a girl (8 - who I have adopted). We have a very happy life, great relationship, no real problems other than the odd family drama.... except...

I don’t drink. My wife does. This has never been an issue. Over the past 12 months she’d made some new friends and been out a few times with them and got really drunk. This has happened maybe 3 or 4 times in the past year so it’s not like it’s all the time. She always comes home, even if in the wee hours.

Yesterday we were at a friends wedding with the kids. It got to about 1130 and the kids were really needing to leave. My wife wanted to stay on with her friends and this was not a problem. The wedding was at a venue less than 10 mins from where we live.

She didn’t come home. I couldn’t get in touch with her. I was worried sick until she arrived home at about 10am this morning. She had ended up staying at a guys house from the wedding. She says nothing physical happened and I’m almost sure I believe her on that one. I know the kind of state she may have been in and potentially not capable of anything like that. She says she passed out on his sofa - woke up to a reminder on her phone - panicked and left. The timeline fits. I have my doubts about the story as well as my trust has been completely shattered. I’m trying to believe her. Regardless of whether anything physical happened I feel totally betrayed and don’t know what to do with this feeling. We had to spend the day at my parents today which was awkward but then spent all evening talking things through. We came to the conclusion that my wife's drinking is problematic and something to support as best we can. We also came to the conclusion that I believe nothing physical happened.

However, I’m now laying in bed at 1am and can’t sleep with all this rattling around my head. I want to believe her but do doubt it. I’m not sure it makes a massive difference if anything physical happened or not - the trust is gone. I don’t want to dictate anything because that can’t be an aspect of our relationship and never has been. I don’t want to not trust her. I don’t want to separate. I will never know 100% if anything physical happened so what the hell do I do with that?

I just feel sick and don’t know what to do and don’t really know what I’m asking other than any advice anyone has.

OP posts:
Deathgrip · 27/05/2019 06:44

These men are normally reported to have stayed over at a friend’s rather than to have gone home with a strange woman they met. I think the answers would be different if that were the case

It doesn’t say she went back to a strange man’s house, we don’t know if she knows him or not.

Regardless, it’s the double standards regarding her drinking and staying out that are striking to me.

Let’s face it, in most cases the person wouldn’t be honest about crashing with someone of the opposite sex!

YouJustDoYou · 27/05/2019 07:16

Your wife has a drinking problem that very much needs addressing.

RainbowWaffles · 27/05/2019 07:24

I like to drink. The drinking wouldn’t bother me. If you drink and do things that make me not trust you that you otherwise wouldn’t do, drinking is a problem.

otterturk · 27/05/2019 07:29

There are some controlling and suspicious people on this thread.

Deathgrip · 27/05/2019 08:03

Also, do we not understand as a society yet that having a “drinking problem” doesn’t necessarily mean drinking every day or even every week? Rare but heavy binge drinking, being unable to stop once you’ve started drinking, drinking so much that you make dangerous decisions are all potentially signs of a drinking problem.

Original poster
KMELBK · 27/05/2019 08:03

Let me see if I can answer all the questions here.

There were plenty of people left at the wedding when I came home with the kids, including my wife’s friends. The guy she ended up going home with is someone we sort of know - we know who he is, might say hi, but don’t have anything to do with him and he isn’t part of our lives. My wife says that she really doesn’t know why she ended up back there or how. She has vague recollections of people getting taxis at the end of the night and being in one with a few people and flashes of being at this guys house and then waking up on the sofa, panicking and leaving. No one else went back there as far as she knows or I know. I can believe this because of the drinking...

The drinking isn’t like this all the time but my wife will drink most nights, either a few glasses of wine or a few gins. Never impacts on responsibilities and has never been a problem. However, in certain situations things get out of hand and then she will end up getting blackout drunk. In those situations no one is able to stop her. It is dangerous and frustrating and frighting to watch.

The other thing people are asking is about the cheating. No, there’s no reason I would have thought that would be the case at all and it is only because it’s a guys house. Like I said I’m not even totally sure it matters if anything physical happened or not because it feels totally inappropriate to me. If things were reversed my wife has said would be devastated.

She did and didn’t lie about where she was. It’s a tricky one - the kids were asking where she’d been and she told them (while I wasn’t in the room) that she’s stayed at a female friends house that they know (what’s she going to do - tell the kids she stayed at a random guys house?! No). However, I had been in touch with this friend for several hours before trying to find out where my wife was. At this point I was furious and told her I knew it was a lie. Then she told me that she’d stayed at this guys house. She did volunteer the info but then there’s just that doubt - if I didn’t know it was a lie would she have said anything?! But I get why she’s not going to tell the kids.

There’s no reason I would think she would cheat other than the fact that she was blackout drunk and not capable of making any decision. The fact that none of her friends made she she got home is a bit frustrating but I can’t blame them for this.

OP posts:
redcarbluecar · 27/05/2019 08:04

Is it possible that a group went back to this guy’s house for some sort of ‘after party’ and (without intending to) she just crashed on the settee and woke up in the morning? I get that this isn’t ideal (although have done similar!) but can’t clearly see the evidence for cheating - there is perhaps more to the story though as OP said he felt ‘betrayed’.

redcarbluecar · 27/05/2019 08:06

Ah, seen update. Reasonable for you to be worried about her drinking and blacking out. It doesn’t sound to me as if she cheated.

Hithere12 · 27/05/2019 08:08

Your wife definitely has a drinking problem

Why?? Because she goes out 3/4x a year and goes over the top? Would you be saying that if she was a 21 year old who got that drunk because I think that would’ve made all my friends alcoholics.

I wouldn’t say she’s an alcoholic but she’s definitely not making wise decisions.

TooTrueToBeGood · 27/05/2019 08:18

If she has a tendency to get so drunk that she can't look after herrself, whether it's every weekend or only a few times a year, she has a problem with alcohol. Even if nothing happened, she ended up staying the night in another man's house and by the sounds of it she was drunk to the point of being unconcious. She put herself in danger due to her inability to control her drinking. Far more women get raped in situations like that than by being attacked by strangers in dark streets.

If you believe her that nothing happened that's good, you can put that issue to the side. She really needs to face up to her drinking, acknowledge that she has a problem and do something about it. Focus on that.

BusterGonad · 27/05/2019 08:22

After your update op I do think it's a problem, she sounds confused and unable to put the pieces of the evening together, I've been blind drunk but the difference is I've been with my friends and have got home safe and sound. It all sounds a bit dodgy, is this man someone trustworthy? Could her drink have been spiked?

chainmail · 27/05/2019 09:57

If she had sex with someone while black out drunk it is rape. It does sound to me as if she has a drinking problem. Only she can seek help for this. I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

bloatedbird · 27/05/2019 10:42

100% @Deathgrip

It's not what you drink, when you drink or even how much you drink. It's what it does to you.

Believe me I know. I am one.

Langrish · 27/05/2019 10:45

This is what I’d expect from someone in their teens/early 20s. Reading OPs, I’m probably in the minority but it would never occur to me to stay on at an event I had gone to with my family, alone. I find the whole situation a bit bizarre.

Littlechocola · 27/05/2019 10:51

She was ten minutes from home. I would be angry if it was dh.
She can’t handle her drink and needs to address that.

user1474894224 · 27/05/2019 11:05

My OH could have written this post. Except I would normally have got home. However, I could imagine a concerned male friend with no partner/kids to consider saying that he didn't want to allow her to go home alone in a state and she could crash on his sofa. -- I don't think you have cheating issues. But if her behaviour upsets you then obviously there is an issue that needs resolving. (If you don't massively have a problem with the drinking...but would rather not be party to it or involved in it...then let her go away with friends for a night out a few times a year. That's her time to do as she wishes.)

Original poster
KMELBK · 27/05/2019 11:41

Bit of an update. I've spoken to a few of her friends this morning and had brief contact with the guy who's house she stayed at. He is busy today with things he can't get out of but we have planned to talk later today. The friends say they tried to get her to leave but she was having none of it. The guy says that she had taken something (drugs) at the wedding and didn't want to come home because I would notice and not be happy so he put her up at his house. I can believe this. My wife had a bit of a party past - drink/drugs - but this is not something which has been a part of our lives together until the last 12 months with the drinking. There is one previous incident, several years ago, where she was out with friends and took some drugs and I wasn't happy for lots of reasons but nothing happened and she stayed with her friends. We resolved at that point that she wouldn't take drugs again. She didn't want to and I didn't like it.

I need to talk to this guy later but am starting to feel more confident that nothing physical happened between them. I think we need to have a discussion about the drink/drugs and what to do with that. Like I've said it not something that happens all the time or very often at all but in certain situations when she hits that point of no return then there is no stopping her and it ends up like this... I think it's dangerous and risky and it's not something I want to be a part of our lives.

OP posts:
BusterGonad · 27/05/2019 11:59

Oh dear. Such a shame. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/05/2019 18:27

Like I've said it not something that happens all the time...

This is something that shouldn't happen AT ALL. Your wife is making extremely poor and dangerous choices.

Jaxhog · 27/05/2019 18:41

Your wife has a serious problem. She may have been fortunate this time, that her friends took care of her. Next time she may not be so lucky. And her reasons for not coming home suggest she knows it was wrong.

She needs to get help to control her drinking and compulsion to take drugs when drunk. Unless she does, this situation will only get worse. What if she does it when she has the kids with her?

Good luck. I see some tough love in your near future.

BronwenFrideswide · 27/05/2019 19:01

Your wife has deliberately not told you about the drugs as she has broken her word to you, been drunk and drugged to the point even her friends couldn't do anything with her and then she spent the night with a man she barely knows, I don't believe she would have told you the truth about where she stayed. I would struggle to believe her claims that nothing physical happened, I would find it hard to support her as she seems to be in denial and minimising what she has done and doesn't seem to want to address her problem drinking and the risky behaviour associated with it.

You are right to feel betrayed and to have no semblance of trust left in your wife, this is not your fault this is a direct consequence of your wife's behaviour and actions. I would find it hard to believe another word that came out of her mouth, even harder to forgive and to give yet another chance.

I don't know where you want to go from here but it would take a lot of work and a complete change in her for me to stay.

Pooshy · 27/05/2019 19:46

Bit of an odd choice to stay at another mans house but clearly she wasn't compus mentus and making good decisions

Unless you have reason not to trust her, i would take her at her word and put it down to too much drinking. Sounds like she just wanted to get away with taking drugs as opposed to doing anything physical with this man

RainbowWaffles · 27/05/2019 20:27

The drugs aspect would make me feel better funnily enough. I can imagine that someone might take drugs and not want to come home so would go to someone else’s house instead. This information would make me more inclined to believe there was no cheating. It makes a lot more sense that the original story and I can buy it.

Obviously she needs to address the excessive drinking and drug use, but I would much rather be dealing with very rare drug use than an incident of cheating. She really needs to take some responsibility for herself and change her behaviour, but for me, the relationship would be salvageable.

Original poster
KMELBK · 28/05/2019 00:16

So. She slept with him. In the morning before appearing at home.

We've been at it all night. I'm all over the place. I don't want our relationship to end but how the hell do you recover from something like this?

I don't really want to hear - she's a liar - she'll do it again - leave her - because all those thoughts are already in my head. I genuinely want some advice whether or not this is something we can recover from.

OP posts:
HiItsClemFandango · 28/05/2019 00:31

I'm so sorry OP Shock

Did she admit this? What's she saying?

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