Wife slept at another mans house

[KMELBK]

Hi everyone,

I’m looking for a bit of advice. I’ll try to be concise. My wife and I have been together 7 years, married 2 1/2. We have 2 kids, a boy (4) and a girl (8 - who I have adopted). We have a very happy life, great relationship, no real problems other than the odd family drama.... except...

I don’t drink. My wife does. This has never been an issue. Over the past 12 months she’d made some new friends and been out a few times with them and got really drunk. This has happened maybe 3 or 4 times in the past year so it’s not like it’s all the time. She always comes home, even if in the wee hours.

Yesterday we were at a friends wedding with the kids. It got to about 1130 and the kids were really needing to leave. My wife wanted to stay on with her friends and this was not a problem. The wedding was at a venue less than 10 mins from where we live.

She didn’t come home. I couldn’t get in touch with her. I was worried sick until she arrived home at about 10am this morning. She had ended up staying at a guys house from the wedding. She says nothing physical happened and I’m almost sure I believe her on that one. I know the kind of state she may have been in and potentially not capable of anything like that. She says she passed out on his sofa - woke up to a reminder on her phone - panicked and left. The timeline fits. I have my doubts about the story as well as my trust has been completely shattered. I’m trying to believe her. Regardless of whether anything physical happened I feel totally betrayed and don’t know what to do with this feeling. We had to spend the day at my parents today which was awkward but then spent all evening talking things through. We came to the conclusion that my wife's drinking is problematic and something to support as best we can. We also came to the conclusion that I believe nothing physical happened.

However, I’m now laying in bed at 1am and can’t sleep with all this rattling around my head. I want to believe her but do doubt it. I’m not sure it makes a massive difference if anything physical happened or not - the trust is gone. I don’t want to dictate anything because that can’t be an aspect of our relationship and never has been. I don’t want to not trust her. I don’t want to separate. I will never know 100% if anything physical happened so what the hell do I do with that?

I just feel sick and don’t know what to do and don’t really know what I’m asking other than any advice anyone has.

This is so sad for you, I think if your wife was honest with herself there’s plenty of legitimate ways to have excitement in her life. With you and with her friends without behaving like that.

Maybe you two are not compatible and need to move on.

This is such a sad thread to read. The OP seems to be such a kind and understanding man and so different from many of the husbands we read about on here.

I am afraid she does have an alcohol problem, or at least the start of one. Several glasses of wine or gin a night is way over what is considered normal consumption and the occasional binge drinking is also a red flag. But I feel that this may prove to be the symptom of a deeper problem when couple with her words about 'missing the excitement and spontaneity' Especially when she also resorts to drugs. She is looking for something that doesn't exist, at least not on a permanent basis. We all have to mature and accept that fact, our lives change to accommodate our partner and children and we learn to take a different pleasure from different things. I suspect she is finding it very hard to adapt to being her 'new' adult self, maybe she is depressed? She definitely needs counselling but, as others have said, there is little value to be had from it unless she wants to change her mindset.

I also agree with what a PP said about couples counselling.. it will end up being partly 'your fault' which, in a way, will enable her to gaslight you and go her merry way in the future.

I don't think for one moment she is a bad person. Just a rather sad one who makes incredibly silly choices and who needs help with an alcohol problem.

Can you get over this? I don't know. It will be incredibly hard for you to forgive not only the sex with another man but also the lies she told (which, to my mind are worse) I know a woman in a similar position, her OH had an affair 25 years ago and they stayed together for the sake of the children. The children grew up and flew the nest and one day she broke down and said she had never been able to either forgive or to forget the affair and she threw him out. 25 years later!! I think that demonstrates just how hard it can be.

Good luck OP, you sound such a lovely man and you deserve so much better treatment than this.

None of us can say for certain whether you can get through this but I doubt you can. You've lost all trust in your wife, she is not the person you thought she was, your relationship is not the relationship you thought you had, I would say all that is nigh on impossible to come back from.

You are going to be looking at your wife very differently now and you probably don't like what you are seeing.

Even is she commits to giving up drink and drugs and accessing counselling you are never going to be able to fully trust her to keep to her word, you will always be watching to see if/when she starts drinking at an event you are at, when she is out with friends your mind will be in turmoil wondering what she is up to. You are likely to be constantly on edge waiting for the next slip up. That is no way to live, it will destroy both of you and the children in the long run.

I am sorry for you, salvaging anything from this will be a long, hard road and you have to consider whether your wife is really prepared to do that, if she is desperate for fun and spontaneity then I can't see her being prepared to do the hard slog required to rebuild your trust and focus on your relationship, counselling may help to determine that.

Don't destroy yourself trying to fix something that can't be fixed, have it clear in your own mind what your boundaries are and if they can't be stuck to, walk away.