Wife slept at another mans house

[KMELBK]

Hi everyone,

I’m looking for a bit of advice. I’ll try to be concise. My wife and I have been together 7 years, married 2 1/2. We have 2 kids, a boy (4) and a girl (8 - who I have adopted). We have a very happy life, great relationship, no real problems other than the odd family drama.... except...

I don’t drink. My wife does. This has never been an issue. Over the past 12 months she’d made some new friends and been out a few times with them and got really drunk. This has happened maybe 3 or 4 times in the past year so it’s not like it’s all the time. She always comes home, even if in the wee hours.

Yesterday we were at a friends wedding with the kids. It got to about 1130 and the kids were really needing to leave. My wife wanted to stay on with her friends and this was not a problem. The wedding was at a venue less than 10 mins from where we live.

She didn’t come home. I couldn’t get in touch with her. I was worried sick until she arrived home at about 10am this morning. She had ended up staying at a guys house from the wedding. She says nothing physical happened and I’m almost sure I believe her on that one. I know the kind of state she may have been in and potentially not capable of anything like that. She says she passed out on his sofa - woke up to a reminder on her phone - panicked and left. The timeline fits. I have my doubts about the story as well as my trust has been completely shattered. I’m trying to believe her. Regardless of whether anything physical happened I feel totally betrayed and don’t know what to do with this feeling. We had to spend the day at my parents today which was awkward but then spent all evening talking things through. We came to the conclusion that my wife's drinking is problematic and something to support as best we can. We also came to the conclusion that I believe nothing physical happened.

However, I’m now laying in bed at 1am and can’t sleep with all this rattling around my head. I want to believe her but do doubt it. I’m not sure it makes a massive difference if anything physical happened or not - the trust is gone. I don’t want to dictate anything because that can’t be an aspect of our relationship and never has been. I don’t want to not trust her. I don’t want to separate. I will never know 100% if anything physical happened so what the hell do I do with that?

I just feel sick and don’t know what to do and don’t really know what I’m asking other than any advice anyone has.

She did admit this. I ended up speaking to the guy earlier this evening. He reassured me that nothing happened and he was pretty convincing but there was one abnormality in his version of events and my wife's. It was a minor point but she said she slept on the sofa and she didn't know where he was (she was so drunk she couldn't remember and woke up on his sofa), he said she slept in his bed and he slept on the sofa.

I told my wife there was an abnormality and I needed her to be totally honest. I put it out on a plate about where she slept and she wouldn't admit it. She maintained that she slept on the sofa until I broke and told her I knew that was another lie. At that point I immediately doubted the whole thing again so said there was one more thing I knew and if we had any chance of going anywhere she needed to be honest. Eventually it came out that they'd slept together. He then walked her to the end of his road and they kissed goodbye.

She is saying that she wants to repair things and I can see she feels awful. I'm just not sure if she feels awful because of what's happened or because it's come out. There is some context to this with the whole drinking/drugs thing - a slight pattern of self-destructive behaviour. She did explain that she missed the fun, excitement, and spontaneity of the beginnings of our relationship - in general and specifically with intimacy. We had a pretty regular sex life - a few times a week give or take some natural fluctuation in this - but granted that was usually in bed, at the end of the night once everything else is done and so are we. We would also have spontaneous sex but much more rarely these days - I felt because of the natural demands of life - kids, jobs, chores etc.... I get that's not very exciting but it's real life. However, I think this may be a deeper issue than just intimacy - something to do with the notion of missing out on fun, excitement etc... I'm not really sure how to explain it.

We're going to arrange to go and see a couples counsellor and see what comes out of that - really if we can get anywhere or not. My wife may see a counsellor of her own as well. I may do the same.

What the hell do we do?! I can't stop thinking about the kids... but know we can't stay together just for them - it would be a recipe for heartbreak and distastes. More than this!

I’m so sorry to hear this, has she said why she did it. If it was this morning she can’t really blame the drink/drugs, can she? You would benefit from some counselling I guess, but NHS waiting lists are long, could you go privately?

She was honest and we did spend some time talking about why it happened. This is where the concept of the fun, excitement, and spontaneity came from. I can appreciate it was hard to be that honest but if that's something that is missing it is something to be understood.

I just don't know if I can do this. The thought of her with anyone else just makes me sick.

Mumma626

I think you need to read the updates, things have moved on since the original post.

She definitely has a drinking problem.
Drinking every night but without much ill effect, and then getting blitzed when she's out with friends is a problem.
SHe may not yet be an alcoholic but if she isn't, she's well on the way to being one unless she reins it in pretty damn soon.

I'm not 100% sure from your saying "they slept together" whether they actually had sex or not (as the dissonance was where each had slept) but if they did then her drinking is definitely way out of control and there is a lot more to worry about.

I'm glad you're going to seek counselling and I hope you can sort something out but in all honesty, nothing is likely to "stick" until your wife realises and agrees that she has a drink problem and chooses herself to do something about it.
You can't help her with it - she has to decide herself, or she'll just carry on but in secret.

If it does turn out that she is an alcoholic/near alcoholic, then it might be worth you finding an AlAnon group - that is for families of alcoholics, not alcoholics themselves - as hearing others' experiences may make you feel less alone, and may help you find coping strategies.

Yes. They had sex in the morning.

So sorry :(

So sorry you are going through this. I don't really know what else to say tbh.

I honestly don't know whether I'd be prepared to continue the marriage. It could just be a total one off and never happen again. Equally, you might spend the rest of your life worrying that she's getting too drunk and might sleep with someone.

Either way, it isn't your sex life that caused this. It is simply choices she made.

One thing I feel is that if there is any chance of us recovering then I can't accept drink or drugs. I also struggle to see how making demands is going to be helpful as that needs to be her choice. I also don't think that this situation can be blamed on the drink/drugs as it happened in the morning. I can't trust her at all right now and don't think I'd ever trust her when drinking again.

You're absolutely right that it was a choice. There may be contributing factors about our relationship but I don't see that as an excuse. I was unaware of any issues in our relationship and if we do have issues we talk about them and resolve them so if there are issues surrounding this then why weren't they spoken about?!

I'm just not sure if there is any way that couples can recover from something like this. I've left a message with a couples counsellor so I'm sure I'll get a response soon and we can at least set that up.

What the hell do we say to the kids - I'm not sure how much I can sustain pretending everything is ok in front of them but they don't need to be exposed to this yet and if we do try for any sort of recovery then they don't need to know.

Oh god she sounds like a mate of mine who’s basically fit everything she ever wanted out of life and has pissed on it a couple of times as she’s a profoundly unhappy individual at heart thanks to a myriad of issues stemming from her childhood including growing up with two parents who ate thoroughbred boozers. She’s got a good bloke (honestly he is) and a very good life and has on a few occasions done the same as your wife has but managed to get away with it. It makes me respect her less and pity her more, she’s one drink/coke session away from losing it all and would be that person haunted for the rest of her days about wishing she could go back in time and fix it and never recover.

I have a party past and the constitution of an ox, but if I was having a few wines or find every night I’d be wretched. It really creeps up and before you know it you’re slamming at least 8 units a night which does take its toll.

I hate to be blunt OP, but if you don’t want a life of pain and misery then your wife has to get clean from all substances as she’s obviously an addict.

And that’s before you stand a chance of patching things up as a result of her infidelity.

*got

*gins

Paul - also *are, although the concept of your friend's parents eating thoroughbred boozers made me snigger a little.

Back to the OP - I agree that the problem going forward is that you have lost trust in her as she has made very poor choices, maybe due to the drink/drugs (she could still have been under the influence in the morning if she'd been drinking til the small hours), maybe not - but her first mistake was to go home with that man at all. However drunk/drugged she was, she should have got herself home. Once she'd made that choice to go with him, the rest was a slippery slope.

She does have to make the decision to stop drinking/drugs herself. She HAS to or it won't work. And you can make it a condition of you staying together that she doesn't drink or do drugs again - but that won't, in itself, make it happen.

As to what you tell the children - well, they're going to know something is up pretty quickly because you won't be able to hide the rift between you, so you're going to have to come up with something.

Have you told your family yet?

Oh god @thumbwitches forgive me it’s late

Apologies OP

I haven't told anyone about this yet - I haven't even thought about that - I think I'll try to come to some sort of decision about what we're going to do and then think about telling family. I'm planning on speaking to a few of my own close friends about this tomorrow.

You're right that whatever decision my wife makes about drink/drug use is up to her and that's the only way it will be successful. I also think I can tell her that I can't accept either as a part of our relationship going forwards. Either those things will come together or they won't.

She did explain that she missed the fun, excitement, and spontaneity of the beginnings of our relationship - in general and specifically with intimacy.

Give me a fucking break. I give your wife props for her skill at gaslighting you. Basically, she is saying this is your fault, the universe's fault, anyone's fault but her own.

This is what happens with EVERYONE'S life when you grow up and have children. I have never heard anything more selfish and self-serving in my life. She is only sorry because she got CAUGHT.

You deserve far better than this. Don't for one second allow yourself to take any responsibility for her betrayal. She torpedoed your marriage, not you.

No advice really as this has to be your choice, you know her and how you feel, either about a future with or without her. Just to say it sounds like an exhausting process and the continued lying and lying until you finally dragged out of her what happened particularly so. I’m sad, but in a way relieved you finally got your answer as clearly something wasn’t sitting right. Take your time and keep yourself in this process. Problem drinkers can be selfish and it becomes all about them. Please keep yourself in this process and don get lost in it. You have options all the way, she has to rebuild your trust.

I'm so sorry to hear your update op, you sound like a lovely man and don't deserve any of this, you've been very understanding of her so far and she has taken advantage of that.

The question you need to ask yourself is can you get through this without it niggling away at you every day? I don't think I could to be honest.

Some people just don't realise what they've got, in her case, a good husband, 2 lovely children and to potentially throw it all away for sex.... what a fool she is.

I wish you all the best going forward and i sincerely hope your wife realises how her actions have affected you.

I'm a recovered addict. Drugs and alcohol.

After reading all your posts, I think if your wife is banging on about the loss of excitement etc, my response would be too fucking bad that's got nothing to do with what you got up to last night. She should carry the blame for her actions herself rather than dredging up excuses and dragging you into it- because there are no justifications for what she has done - and don't you believe any of this is down to you when she spouts this. Isn't the time, or the place to be bringing that issue up, irrelevant.

She has a problem with alcohol and drugs, and what I have learned is that you essentially retard your development at the age when your habits began to control you, rather than you having control of your behaviours. She's mentally still hanging round in her party days mind set in all likelihood.

She needs to grow up and sober up. She will probably need a facility.
I' d suggest that having sex with a man the morning after is almost classifiable as a "reaching rock bottom " moment and she has two choices here. Continue this path - probably alone, or consciously decide to change - and then it is entirely your choice if you can or cannot move forward with her. She will need professional help.

The drinking every evening, combined with the blackouts, the lies and the attempt to transfer guilt to you- with this not so spontaneous bullshit about your sex life is typical addict bollocks. If looks like a duck, sounds like a duck then it probably is a duck. She's got a problem, independent of her infidelity. I also would suggest she drinks maybe much more than you realise, and may take drugs more frequently too.

You are in a shitty, shitty position. I feel for you. You can set whatever rules you like but she must be one to decide what she does from here. I'm glad you realise this. Al-Anon might help slightly for you. The stories of the ringers that partners of addicts have been through can give you quite a bit of perspective and give you more of an informed choice as to what you may want to do.

I am so sorry for your and your family. I hope your friends can support you. And that your wife has a good , hard look in the mirror at herself and decides whether getting shitfaced, and banging randoms is really okay behaviour for a married woman with children.

So she's a bit bored with life, goes on a bender and sleeps with someone else-and can't even blame that aspect on the booze-i would imagine she thought 'I'm already in trouble for staying out, in for a Penny in for a pound', then lied about it?
Did she at any point contact this man to corroborate their stories during the day do you know? (Unsuccessfully as it turns out)?

There's a lot of deceit there op.

I'm not judging her either way-but she sounds like she is unhappy in life and is now getting her kicks to try and alleviate that. Drinking is just the thing that gave her the confidence to do it. I was that girl,to not quite the same degree as your wife when I was much younger-and there were no kids involved.

I'm sure she is mortified right now and has seen what she stands to lose so will be saying everything you want to hear. But that might not get to the route of the issue really-a couple of months down the line is she going to start feeling bored again?

You sound lovely op....But I think you might be in for a rough ride with this over the next few years. The deceit will be the thing that eats away at you.

Sorry op
Typed this before your updates and pushed send when I woke.

I don’t think you should do anything, if she wants to save your marriage she should & would be doing all the work.

You won’t get over it.

She slept with him in the morning, presumably sobered up, probably less than an hour before she returned to you and her children.

Now she is making excuses, which make it even worse. ‘Excitement’ implies that she thought about it and enjoyed it, so not a drunken fumble.

Personally I find that responsible adults drinking to the point that they lose control of their behaviour is unacceptable in a relationship or where children are concerned, but I know some disagree on this.

If you go to counselling it will only make it worse as you will be persuaded that you were somehow equally to blame and that their our solutions where you both modify your behaviour.

There are only two ways out. Your wife needs to feel truly sorry, stop drinking and start behaving as if she were a married mother, or you see a divorce lawyer today and cut your losses. IMO the latter will be far better for everyone in the long term.

If you don’t split how will you stop your wife and this guy hooking up again. Check her phone, e mail, track her? That is no way to live and everyone comes out worse for it.

So sorry to hear this OP, what a shame she has ruined things for you and your children

I'm not sure how you'd recover from this or ever be able to trust her again I'm sorry to say

This must be heartbreaking.
Counselling is an excellent idea. I recommend Relate.
Then go from there. You don't need to make any long term decisions right now. Take a day at a time. If you need some time then ask her to go and stay somewhere for a few days.