Working mothers - a complication?

[Invincibleish]

As you know, the 1 y/o and 3 y/o phase is probably the height of the stress (unless it gets worse!?) my wife and I both work so we are both juggling with kids and work. Mornings are quite manic sorting them out, their food, breakfast, clothes and getting them out. Mind you the younger one is at home with a grandparent but things still need planning and sorting. Luckily she works part time so we don’t have to go through these motions everyday.

Evenings are busy too. Once they are asleep there is lots of tidying and then the cooking for us plus other chores, which we share. In general our lives are just so busy but I am sure that is just life with young kids.

Although my wife likes her career, deep down she would rather be a stay at home mum until they are older as it would take a lot of the load off, although we do need the money. She is working the min number of days for us to be ok financially.

If my wife didn’t work, I could just focus on work and she could just focus on Home. We wouldn’t have to do all this mad juggling. Of course I would still help out where I can but I wouldn’t have the worry as my wife would have it all covered at home. Relying on grandparents is fine but not in same league as wife sorting out the kids.

On top of that, if wife was at home, she could still use occasional grandparent help anyway to look after kids while she cleans tidies up or maybe has some down time. Because she works though, there is minimal spare capacity for her to keep on top of all of this. So as a result we both just do bits and bobs adhoc when we get a bit of spare time.

So question for working mothers really would you give up work if you could or do you not mind juggling in order to have a career?

I'm a sahm. I am focussing on the children, not the house.

Are you always so literal? That musta make life really difficult for you.

Kids don't stay that age forever but I asume your wife is looking to work in her career for many years ahead? If so leave her career alone and ride it out, it's not forever. And should you divorce (hopefully not) in the future you'll be glad your wife has maintained and grown her ability to generate her own financial power.

SuzukiLi but it is you being literal.

The idea being stuck at home all day as a SAHM.
Why paint such a bleak picture?
I get it wasn't for you but for me and many other women it is a very enjoyable time.

It's you who are describing SAHMs as "being at home all day".

To me that is very literal.

I have a 1 year old and 3 year old. DP and I work pretty much FT (I have a lot of leave which I use to cover my day off every week) I commute 2/3 hours a day.
It’s hard, it’s stressful, some days I resent it and want to be a SAHP. Realistically, I couldn’t do it. I need ‘me time’ and to me that is being at work, doing my job and interacting with other adults.
I have just got a new job close to home, but it means DP will have the children 2 days per week. He loves the idea and would be a SAHP if he could.

speakout, no, I think it is you who is being literal. The reason SAHP is called that is because it is a life that revolves around the house and children, not because you literally never leave the house. I would find that miserable and confining no matter how many open farms and soft plays we visited.

I find it weird that the OP seems to want to be told that everybody is secretly thinking how much easier it would be to have one parent at home. No, we are not all thinking that. My DH might secretly think sometimes when he's tired from work and the toddler is having a meltdown that it would be nice if someone magically swooped in and dealt with it. Also thinking that? Me. Neither of us mistakes that idle fantasising for a realistic view of what would happen if one of us gave up work. He knows things wouldn't be "easier" if he had a SAH DW, because he recognises he'd have a lonely, bored, and probably very depressed DW, and he'd be shouldering the financial burden alone. And I have seen altogether too many posts from SAHMs who have lost their careers, lost themselves, had their partners walk out, or want to walk out on their partners themselves but feel trapped. No thanks. The main stress is short-term, the consequences are significant and long-term, and not that many people have the personality to really thrive on it.

I would find that miserable and confining no matter how many open farms and soft plays we visited.

That sounds dull to me too.

Thankfully not my experience.

So what do you do that's so enthralling then??

It sounds as though your wife might wish to be at home but is that because she feels it would be less stressful because of the juggling or because she actually wants to ? Also whilst your career will just plod on along its normal trajectory what would happen to her career/job prospects if she took some time out - majority but not all women find at best it plateaus but at worst they never catch up which they may or may not mind . As a single parent I 'didn't have a choice ', worked FT , gave @50% earnings in childcare but at least my career is still intact - horses for courses . That said even if I'd been married to a high earner / asset owner and didn't need to work I would still have done so . The juggling doesn't last forever and kids become more independent as they grow but don't underestimate their needs in their teens etc they still need you but on a different level

Another here who votes for working. My "DH" walked out 2 years ago and I shudder to think what would have become of us without my career. I know many women think it won't happen to them but it can and does. Especially by the kind of man who thinks he shouldn't have to do the drudgery and will let wifey do it instead.

For me the benefits of being a SAHM outweigh the risks.

Life is full of risks. Life takes turns we can't predict.

I gave up my career to care for kids and create a peaceful family home.

A choice that I was willing to take.

@speakout Apparently over 50% of 1st marriages end in divorce so keeping a job is pretty sensible if you end up divorced.

I gave up my career to care for kids and create a peaceful family home.

I think that's a perfectly rational choice, if you're stuck in a position where it's an either/or decision. In that situation, I think I'd have probably made the same choice. Luckily, for the majority of women these days, it's possible to do both and so we don't have to choose, but I guess it's important to remember that not everyone has that option.

I would really resent giving up my career. I worked really hard to establish it. Luckily DH has taken a step back in his career so he probably does more than me kids/ housework wise. Would that be an option for you OP?

My advice is that you become a SAHD Dad and leave your wife to focus on her career. It’s what I did and I don’t regret it one bit. My hours are less, wouse work is easy and I get to watch my children grow up which is priceless. My wife however regrets it but then she chose to have kids and bounce straight back to work.

Bibbidee, yes, and my first marriage ended in divorce so I am well aware.

As I say it was a risk I was willing to take.

I used to work 4 full days a week cut sit down to 2.5 days a week in afte ds2 was born but plan to give up work for a couple of years. We both found life much easier when I was in maternity leave as no childcare stresses, constant rushing around, getting home later at night and trying to do it all. However we are no better of financially me working so it’s not worth the stress for us by the time childcare, lunches, parking and fuel are paid I am working for £20 a week.

However I want to give up work it’s my choice my hubby has made it very clear if I want to carry on he is happy but also been honest and said he agrees life is less stressful when I ma home. I won’t be taking more than a year or two out though. I also have thought added consideration that my oldest son has ASD and ADHD so we can’t get school holiday care for him.

Its exhausting the constant juggling and for us to do it for no meant is pointless.

Just to say as well I love being at home not every mum does. I have lots of friends with kids otherwise it’s exceptionally isolating being at home.

Oh for fuck sake calm down - he's said his wife would want to be a SAHP. As would I - and here's the shocker - I'm educated to Masters level, have a lot of 'earning potential' in the career I'm in (part-time since maternity leave). But for some of us, careers are not how we're defined, income is worth cutting if possible as we love caring for our children full-time when they're young. I need a part-time income but wouldn't have thought twice about being a SAHP for a few years at least. Jesus, if I've to work for maybe 50 years, a few years to do something I love is nothing. Often think we can have it all, but perhaps not all at the same time, life can go in phases.

Yes men can do that too, but if a woman wants to then what the hell is the issue? Feminism is about choice, to deride anyone for wanting to care for their own children is decidedly anti-feminism as it derides anyone in a caring profession.

So OP, to answer your question, yes, I would have loved to be a SAHP if it was possible. AND THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. My compromise was part-time and that works well for our family overall.

Getting to that point of resentment now where wife hates having to work & wants to be at home. Trying to find another job but not easy.

Yes, I find working and juggling kids an inconvenience and mine are now teens.

My husband finds working and juggling kids an inconvenience also.

Given neither of us have the extremely outdated view that 'mums should be at home and the husband should be the breadwinner' neither of us have ever had the idea that we should give up work to become a full-time household slave essentially in order to benefit the other. So we just suck it up and make it work. We now have a light at the end of the tunnel in regards to the 'inconvenience' we have endured for many years in this regard, at which point both of our carers will be in good shape.

If she stops work completely for the duration of the time the the children are young, trying to get back into work as an older person with no recent work experience will be tough. That's worth factoring into any decision you might make.

Should have added that BOTH DH and myself essentially stalled our careers as much as possible when the kids were younger in order to make it work. We made sure that between us we earned enough to cover what was needed and then we sat, neither of us 'climbed the ladder' so that each could be equally inconvenienced with the home drudge. Plus we had no family/support at all to rely on, just us.

So no taking promotions that would entail travel, no taking promotions that would entail longer hours or less flexibility. This made it work. Then we started to move up again once kids moved into secondary school. Doing it this way, we are, even now, in a much better position than we would have been had one person quit to solely take care of the drudge while the other person progressed.

I'm a SAHM (through choice) and would happily never have a career (if we could afford it) but it sounds like you are maybe expecting too much from yourselves. I hate house work and would sooner work part time (if I had to) to pay for ahousekeeper than do it myself, it takes me far longer than it takes my housekeeper anyway. Maybe you could consider having your wife work an extra day to pay for some professional help sobthat both if you have less to do?