Working mothers - a complication?

[Invincibleish]

As you know, the 1 y/o and 3 y/o phase is probably the height of the stress (unless it gets worse!?) my wife and I both work so we are both juggling with kids and work. Mornings are quite manic sorting them out, their food, breakfast, clothes and getting them out. Mind you the younger one is at home with a grandparent but things still need planning and sorting. Luckily she works part time so we don’t have to go through these motions everyday.

Evenings are busy too. Once they are asleep there is lots of tidying and then the cooking for us plus other chores, which we share. In general our lives are just so busy but I am sure that is just life with young kids.

Although my wife likes her career, deep down she would rather be a stay at home mum until they are older as it would take a lot of the load off, although we do need the money. She is working the min number of days for us to be ok financially.

If my wife didn’t work, I could just focus on work and she could just focus on Home. We wouldn’t have to do all this mad juggling. Of course I would still help out where I can but I wouldn’t have the worry as my wife would have it all covered at home. Relying on grandparents is fine but not in same league as wife sorting out the kids.

On top of that, if wife was at home, she could still use occasional grandparent help anyway to look after kids while she cleans tidies up or maybe has some down time. Because she works though, there is minimal spare capacity for her to keep on top of all of this. So as a result we both just do bits and bobs adhoc when we get a bit of spare time.

So question for working mothers really would you give up work if you could or do you not mind juggling in order to have a career?

Deep down I preferred my career to staying at home doing housework OP.

I also prefer not to be married to a sexist prick who thinks doing his fair share is 'helping'.

Our dc are grown up now, but when they were children we employed a cleaner, and we got organised (finding solutions rather than saying 'I can't sort laundry because the kids are asleep). We didn't have much family help.

Hth

It entirely depends on how your wife truly feels. If she really wants to be a SAHM and out her career on hold and you can afford it then fine. Absolutely fine. But it's not fine if she isn't 100% happy to do this.

If she does go down this route you as the working parent will need to bear in mind that SAHM means Stay At Home Mother. Not Stay At Home Maid. Too many working partners expect to do almost zero with regard to children (except playing/the fun stuff) and expect the stay at home parent to do everything. That's not ok.

I say this as a SAHM, who has happily put my career on hold for a few years. It was my choice and I'm happy with it. I do the majority of child care and housework of course as I'm here and my partner works long hours - but he also does what he can. My house is my office if you like - I need to have regular breaks away from 'work' if you like. This means time to myself sometimes to get out with no children.

Don't make the mistake of thinking that your wife can stay home and take care of everything there so you just get to walk in to a clean and tidy house, dinner on the table and kids bathed and bed every night and put your feet up because you've been at work. That's not how it works. She's been at work too - just a different sort of work.

Journalist OP?

I have been at home for 8 ish years, before that part time. I have 4 dcs, 16-5, the youngest has just started school.

I do home during the week, dh works ft. He does sort dcs in the evening and an occassional house job. At the weekends he is full on house and dcs. It works for us. Although I am starting my own business but will be minimal and wont effect his work.

ladystarkers- good luck with your business.

For me that has been the unexpected bonus.

I would not have become self employed if I had stuck to my career path. But having time as a SAHM when the kids started pre school and school gave me a huge freedom to dip my toe in the water without having the burden of working full time as well.
I found it surprisingly easy to earn money from home and now 20 years after I gave up my career I earn 50K profit a year for a 20 hour week.
I thank my lucky stars that I took a leap of faith and followed my heart.

Why is this in any way a question about mothers? . Some parents want to work full-time, some want to work part-time, some want to stay at home full-time with the kids, and some are terminally unsure. What makes you think that possession of a pair of ovaries makes the question any different than it would be for you? Do YOU want to work full-time?

My mantra to my daughter now is 'Do not stay at home and look after your children. You need to earn your own money'. Why do I say this now? It's because I stayed at home because of the logistics you speak about and my husband went to work. He ditched me last year and career wise I'm fooked! I need a mortgage and I can only get a minimal amount so I now advise my daughter accordingly.

Oh and btw OP, single parents do everything you mention AND work full time.

@FritzDonovan

'You'll meet someone more interesting at work...
Could just be projecting here, but i know a lot of ppl this happened to. All because dh thought life would be easier if dw stayed at home.'

ABSOLUTELY THIS HAPPENS! Textbook affair right there!

TBH I find it surprising that anyone would work if they didn't need to but what you are describing is not staying home from work. It's house work. I would rather be part time in the office and have enough for household staff plus a bit extra to spend on fun things than stay at home and scrub toilets.

Were you sad when you had to go back or were you happy to? Do you not find working and juggling kids an inconvenience?

And why are you asking this question just of mothers why are you also not asking this question of fathers why is it just working mothers

Op has not been back has he? I can therefore assume he was keen to spark lively debate rather than ask for help with a particular family problem

So she could focus on your career??mhh

Very interesting comments. I didn’t mean to be sexist and never even thought I was coming across that way as I am writing about our situation. I suppose it would have been better to ask if both parents working makes the whole thing a lot more stressful. Or is it better to have one parent doing the career and one being at home. Whether that be father or mother doesn’t matter. Can be either or. The reason I talked about my wife staying at home is that is what we are discussing.

My wife is desperate for me to move on career wise. She wants me to go up in salary so that she can focus on kids rather than kids & work and that I can focus on work rather than kids & work. Of course I wouldn’t leave my wife in the lurch as they’re my kids too. I’m talking about us focussing on strengths rather than trying to do a bit of everything.

All I wanted to know was how other families find it where both parents are working. Do you deep down think how easier life would be if one parent did kids and one did work. For instance if kids are ill, a parent who doesn’t work can be with them, sort them out and not have to worry about letting work down. Or holidays, half terms etc. Must be a nightmare for 2 working parents as really gotta make sure there is enough annual leave between you both to be with kids when there are school holidays. But if one parent doesn’t work, must be great as can just be with the kids. And the other parent who works can just take annual leave during those school holidays and you can all spend time together.

I dunno. Maybe it’s not so lucrative. Seems like the couples where both of you work are quite happy and perhaps don’t let such dilemmas and stresses get to them.

I wish I could give my wife a choice whether or not she wants to work. My salary is quite good but needs to be pretty good if I am able to offer her the option of not having to work.

Show her this thread, OP. She might change her mind about wanting to stay at home. Personally, i think it's best for all concerned if both parents drop hours until the work /life balance fits the family. I appreciate that's not possible for a lot of jobs though, and that's a great shame.

I'd advise your wife to focus on progressing in her own career

Holidays and half terms don't have to be a nightmare - we have a huge choice of holiday activity clubs - crafts, dance, computer programming, archery, sailing, theatre, circus skills you name it and there's a holiday club for it, most of which with wrap-around working-day friendly hours. You can pay for them with childcare vouchers so they aren't too expensive. With these clubs both of us can keep the majority of our annual leave for actual holidays rather than mere childcare.

I reject the notion that anyone has to have a stay-at-home partner shouldering the parenthood burden in order for their career to progress. Yes there are still some shit employers who will discriminate against you if you have to take an occasional day off because your kid has chicken pox, or if you have flexible working so you can work from home when there's a sports day or special assembly you need to get to. These employers should suffer being unable to recruit decent staff because everyone wants to work for the other employers who are reasonable - not pandered to. Advance your career with a company that believes in work-life balance.

Of course we understand that your wife is struggling now but is she also "desperate" as you put it to be unemployed and only employable in the really low-end jobs that no-one really wants once 10 years have passed and home responsibilities have lessened? If her earning power takes the massive hit from this career break she will be reliant on your wages for the rest if her life - even into retirement. You would need to understand in that case that there must never be a moment's thought that a single penny of your own earnings, assets or future pension is your alone because you have been complicit in destroying her own potential to have equivalent resources in her name, so every single penny is jointly owned and shared with neither having any greater rights - and thus must hold even if the marriage breaks down so neither of you gets to enjoy a lifestyle comfort level greater than the other.

I guess it would be a bit easier to have one parent at home, although I must admit, I don't consider both parents working to be the "nightmare" that you seem to think it is. I suppose the question is whether you're aiming for ease above all else, or whether other things like fulfilment, equity and balance are important to you. Personally, I didn't sign up to being a parent because I thought it was going to be easy.

As for career progression, it is entirely possible to pursue this without a SAHP, and I know many people who have successfully furthered their careers while continuing to fulfil their responsibilities as a parent. Again, it might not be the easiest option, but it certainly isn't impossible.

TBH I find it surprising that anyone would work if they didn't need to

Why?? I can't think of anything worse than being at home all day.

Why don't you focus on your career when you are in work, and focus on your kids when not?

I can't think of anything worse than being at home all day.

I think you will find SAHMs are not at home all day.
Too busy out having fun.
Having a whole day at home with my kids was a rare occurrence.

Yes I know, I was a stay at home mum for 3 years....

I am a SAHM. I sometimes miss work but only sometimes. I am lucky in that my dh earns very well and that I can stay home. Unfortunately we don't have family able to help so I need to be here to do the school run for my eldest. I personally didn't want to be out at work whilst they are still very young. It works for us at the mo. I would like to go back to work when all dc are in school be it paid or voluntary.

Well, OP, having asked your innocent and totally not intentionally sexist question, you have your answer. Some women would like to be SAHMs, some would not, and those with experience of it say it's hard going. We are not all like your wife.

It's almost as though women are individuals and not some homogenous blob of predictability. Isn't that interesting?

SuzukiLi then I am sorry you were stuck at home for three years with no where to go.