Working mothers - a complication?

[Invincibleish]

As you know, the 1 y/o and 3 y/o phase is probably the height of the stress (unless it gets worse!?) my wife and I both work so we are both juggling with kids and work. Mornings are quite manic sorting them out, their food, breakfast, clothes and getting them out. Mind you the younger one is at home with a grandparent but things still need planning and sorting. Luckily she works part time so we don’t have to go through these motions everyday.

Evenings are busy too. Once they are asleep there is lots of tidying and then the cooking for us plus other chores, which we share. In general our lives are just so busy but I am sure that is just life with young kids.

Although my wife likes her career, deep down she would rather be a stay at home mum until they are older as it would take a lot of the load off, although we do need the money. She is working the min number of days for us to be ok financially.

If my wife didn’t work, I could just focus on work and she could just focus on Home. We wouldn’t have to do all this mad juggling. Of course I would still help out where I can but I wouldn’t have the worry as my wife would have it all covered at home. Relying on grandparents is fine but not in same league as wife sorting out the kids.

On top of that, if wife was at home, she could still use occasional grandparent help anyway to look after kids while she cleans tidies up or maybe has some down time. Because she works though, there is minimal spare capacity for her to keep on top of all of this. So as a result we both just do bits and bobs adhoc when we get a bit of spare time.

So question for working mothers really would you give up work if you could or do you not mind juggling in order to have a career?

I did consider giving up work and being sahm because the juggling was exhausting.

I decided not to because, even though DH and I had a good, equal relationship, I did feel it would cause a dangerous imbalance in responsibility that would ultimately end up worse for me. As PP pointed out, and IME, it ends up that everything in the home ends up being the sahm's job, 24/7.

Fuck that shit.

Once DD went to school I actually increased my hours and my career took off again. DH has flexiworking and does more pick ups.

If you are struggling, get a cleaner. Or consider part-time yourself. Why pressure your DW and it does sound like you are to become your skivvy?

I bet if you stepped up at home, I mean really stepped up, your wife wouldn’t find it so stressful to manage a career and small children. Try it for a month. Do all the meal planning, not just cooking. Take the kids out for 1/2 a day on your own (and pack the changing bag yourself before you do). Deep clean the bathroom once a week. Get up for night wakings at the weekend. Don’t sit down in the evening until after your wife does. Plan ahead for birthdays and holidays.

“Traditional” is often another word for sexist, misogynistic, paternalistic etc. I’m not saying that’s what you are but I would encourage you to really examine your motives.

BTW my DH is a SAHP and he loves it.

No, your wife shouldn’t give up her career and independence so you can do less around the house.

Get a cleaner if you both work.

pinecones- same here.

My contribution as a SAHM has always been valued. Even now my youngest is 17, I work only part time. So plenty time for the gym, photography blogging etc.

I’m amazed at some of these responses! Admittedly his question is badly phrased and awkward but there are some pretty defensive responses here.

To answer the Q as a f/t working mother, I do sometimes wish I didn’t work. My bloke (who is a sahd) wishes he did work. I also think of wonderful other ways to improve my work life balance etc. The fact is there are advantages and disadvantages to every set up once you have children. I think assigning roles to particular genders is unhelpful. Do what suits the family and the individuals

Do working mothers enjoy working?

It's a COMPLETELY irrelevant question. The only question that is relevant here is: does your wife enjoy working?

Plenty of people (male & female) enjoy working, live spending time with their DC, and wish they could make doing both a bit more compatible and less stressful and pressured. Usually the solution is to look for ways to make things organisationally easier and not just to put the burden on one partner

Because she works though, there is minimal spare capacity for her to keep on top of all of this.

Because she works there is minimal spare capacity for her to keep on top of all this?

Or because we both work we have minimal spare capacity to keep on top of all this - any suggestions?

Your thread would be completely different if you seemed at all s led-aware of how you have come across.

The days are indeed easier when I don't work, but spend them frustratedly looking for better employment that enables me to work more. In a better career.

OP were you 'proper sad' when your paternity leave came to an end?

Why on earth do you think your wife should give up her career entirely? She is already working part time so doing more around the house than you. Go p/t if you are that worried about 'manic mornings'. Or maybe you should give up your job to keep the house in order and she can focus on work?

I agree 1 and 3 are difficult and in terms of the mornings it will get easier, and I am sure I am one of many here who can empathise with you. But don't fall into a gender stereotype trap, being a SAHP is not for everyone - regardless of their gender, and being sad about returning to work after ML is not the same as not wanting to work.

I think you’re getting a slight hard time. think it’s really individual and you’re both valid in considering if life would be easier if your wife stayed at home. we are in a similar situation - a one and two year old and I run my own business working four days a week.m. DH FT.

I find life really full on at the moment. there’s never a minute to myself and like you say you get home and there is loads to do. I’m in between cleaners at the moment but they do help but not majorly.

I think you need to be realistic though as to if being at home all day will allow your wife to get much done in the house. Today is my home day. The house will be even more of a mess at bedtime. I’ll be lucky to get done washing up done and I have to take the girls to the shops which is mega hard work!

I keep toying with stopping till they’re both in pre school but actually my work days are my saviour. It’s time to be me, I use my brain, I get a hot tea and I don’t feel bored. It will get easier I know. It’s just a hard stage of life.

I think you need to look at the bigger picture and try truck on for a year or two.

If your wife is miserable at work and wants to stop then that’s a decision only you two can make.

Life with children is always quite busy and we just have to suck it up.

When they are less needy in one way another issue appears it is just the way things are as they grow up and develop.

It isn't fair of you to expect your wife to not have a life outside the home. We don't all wish to become a housewife!

“Traditional” is often another word for sexist, misogynistic, paternalistic etc.

But WO the home is not always ticket for equality though.

Every day I read here about women who work and still expected to do the lions share of childcare and housework while their OH is off watching football or down the pub with his mates.

Many women are working full time and still doing all the wifework.

Both parents working full time doesn't always lead to female emancipation, it just fries up many women's lives even more.

Oh and OP, for you, twitter.com/manwhohasitall?ref_src=twsrc%5Egoogle%7Ctwcamp%5Eserp%7Ctwgr%5Eauthor

I didn't consider my time raising my young kids at home as " shitwork”

It’s the expectation that the sahm parent will also do all of the cooking, cleaning and general household drudge that’s the shit work part, not the actual raising of the children.

Well actually I like that I can work and juggle the dc

No way would I willingly give up my career and I bloody adored my last mat leave. But doing it day in day out would for me be too mind numbingly boring.

I know so many women now who have taken 5 years out and they can't get back into any type of roles they left. I'm not sure they regret it but I certainly would.

Do all the meal planning, not just cooking. Take the kids out for 1/2 a day on your own (and pack the changing bag yourself before you do). Deep clean the bathroom once a week. Get up for night wakings at the weekend. Don’t sit down in the evening until after your wife does. Plan ahead for birthdays and holidays.

^^
YY to this, doris

OP, there's LOADS you can do that isn't putting away washing when the DC are asleep or tidying toys. Do all the other stuff, and then your wife's time with the DC will be more effective at the other side.

I call it balancing not juggling and its balancing (for me 30hrs most weeks so just less than ft) that keeps me sane. I'd hate to give up my career and I feel that my husband and I would drift apart if our lives were so different. For us we prefer to both work and parent roughly equally. He would not like to step back in parenting anymore than is like to step back from my career.

Your dick won't fall off if your wife refuses to 'know her place', mate. Try doing your share of the work, not just the occasional breakfast and then standing there looking hopefully around for your medal/blowjob.

I am on maternity leave with my second child. I will return part time. If we could afford it I would be a SAHM. We can’t quite afford for me not to work so it’s not an option but I work because I have to not because I want to.

My husband is an extremely high earner and my salary barely makes a dent in our income and I could easily be a SAHM without it affecting our quality of life BUT I have a good career, I love what I do. I've worked extremely hard to build up a good reputation in my field and it works for my mental health. Additionally at the back of my mind I want to know that if ever the shit hits the fan - illness, divorce, redundancy I can ramp up my career and keep a roof over our heads. My kids are getting older and I'm in my early 40's. I'm certainly not going to sit around and paint my nails for the next 30 years!

If she wants to, I don't understand why you're asking on here. Surely that's a discussion and decision you can make as two adults.

What kind of a shit excuse for a parent even wants to surrender all the "home" stuff to their spouse to "focus on their career" without the hassle of having to accommodate the fact that they have kids? So your kids get to grow up with an effectively absent father? Traditional my arse. This is patriarchal privilege in action.

Yes it is bloody hard to juggle parenthood and kids in the early years. For decades women have found that if they give up the juggling and dedicate themselves to the drudge work instead, those early years flash past and then suddenly their kids are old enough that they can return to work but the only opportunities are shit jobs with shit pay because if you step off the ladder it is almost impossible to get back on.

OP your wife can make her own choice but it will be in the context of having been influenced by centuries of patriarchal culture and being yoked to an obviously sexist relic of the 1950s so it may not be an exactly free choice. Don't you dare draw a general conclusion about "what women want" from the example she gives you in such constrained circumstances.

I work full time and I don’t recognise your manic mornings. 1 and 3yo are at nursery and they give breakfast. So why are you feeding them? Clothes can be sorted out the night before. You can have ‘nursery’ uniform that is basically all the same tops and trousers. (We have all mix and match).

As for chores. What are there to do? We have a cleaner and only clean the bathrooms and kitchen quickly once a week. Takes 15min. No ironing. Clothes wash and then into the tumble drier. All meals are quick ones like oven tray bakes or stir fries and then dishes in dish washer.

You need to just get more organised.

But I love my job and I won’t give it up.

Being a working parent is hard but the worst thing is the mental load; having to do all the household admin, remember appointments, ensure there are clean clothes, clean the house.

I can tell you what would make my life easier. Certainly not giving up the independence of my career. It would be the family pulling more of their weight (putting clean clothes home; husband being capable of organising a delivery; getting a cleaner; everyone taking responsibility for tidying their mess). We’re working on this.

Because even thouse my DH does a lot, it’s not 50%. Step that up and maybe the desire to step off the treadmill will abate?

The "complication" to me of being a SAHP in my DC's early years is that I would never have been able to get back into my career (I'd be competing against enthusiastic fresh out of university graduates with bounds of energy and flexibility) where I left it until my youngest was 4/7/11 or 18.

I totally agree there are huge benefits to having a parent at home in the early years, but not worth the downsides IMO. Plus you have to remember that while the juggling is a nightmare when they are the age of yours they become independent very quickly. I've had no interaction with my DC this morning at all, except a brief 2 minute chat to DD about a test she's having today and saying goodbye to them both - they are 11 and 13.

I can't speak for your wife, but I do enjoy working and absolutely do not deep down want to be a SAHM.

How about you? Would you like to give up work? The juggling must be so hard!