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Original poster

Working mothers - a complication?

150 replies

Invincibleish · 08/11/2017 05:16

As you know, the 1 y/o and 3 y/o phase is probably the height of the stress (unless it gets worse!?) my wife and I both work so we are both juggling with kids and work. Mornings are quite manic sorting them out, their food, breakfast, clothes and getting them out. Mind you the younger one is at home with a grandparent but things still need planning and sorting. Luckily she works part time so we don’t have to go through these motions everyday.

Evenings are busy too. Once they are asleep there is lots of tidying and then the cooking for us plus other chores, which we share. In general our lives are just so busy but I am sure that is just life with young kids.

Although my wife likes her career, deep down she would rather be a stay at home mum until they are older as it would take a lot of the load off, although we do need the money. She is working the min number of days for us to be ok financially.

If my wife didn’t work, I could just focus on work and she could just focus on Home. We wouldn’t have to do all this mad juggling. Of course I would still help out where I can but I wouldn’t have the worry as my wife would have it all covered at home. Relying on grandparents is fine but not in same league as wife sorting out the kids.

On top of that, if wife was at home, she could still use occasional grandparent help anyway to look after kids while she cleans tidies up or maybe has some down time. Because she works though, there is minimal spare capacity for her to keep on top of all of this. So as a result we both just do bits and bobs adhoc when we get a bit of spare time.

So question for working mothers really would you give up work if you could or do you not mind juggling in order to have a career?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

grobagsforever · 08/11/2017 06:51

You are absolute idiot @Invincibleish. One, because you don't see how selfish you are being, encouraging your wife to be completely dependent on you. And two because you seem think a bunch of strangers on the internet can tell you how your wife will feel being a SAHM. Working mothers aren't a homogeneous hoard you know, we are all individuals with our own views and feelings.

I suggest you take a long hard look at your attitudes to women and consider how that is impacting your parenting rather than feeling sorry for yourself because you can't focus on your precious career,?

HerSymphonyAndSong · 08/11/2017 06:53

The title itself is pretty off-putting. Why are working mothers a complication?

anothernetter · 08/11/2017 06:53

Honestly? Yes I would if I had a choice but my DH's income isn't enough to support us

Middleoftheroad · 08/11/2017 06:53

Is this post a joke?

Catlovingmama · 08/11/2017 06:54

I know lots of mothers who struggle with the juggling and I have considered being a ft sahm myself because part of me would prefer to be home ft

I think the problem is that ft sahm with children this age is exhausting - the hours she currently spends on work would just be swapped to childcare. So Ime it wouldn't reduce the load or stop the need for chores at night unless she would still get grandparent help on the days she used to work.

Love51 · 08/11/2017 06:54

I think working mothers are as diverse as the rest of the workforce. Some of us love our jobs, some of us don't. Some of us want to climb the corporate ladder, some of us want to clock off on time and get on with non-work life. Whether I've loved work while a mother hadn't had a lot to do my kids, it has depended on what role I was doing and who I was working for!
A bit like working fathers, and people without kids, and people with grown up kids.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/11/2017 06:57

You'll never get a uniform answer to that question. Everyone is different. Some working women would deeply love and feel totally fulfilled as a Sahm, others need regular child free time, external stimulus and developmental career challenges.

speakout · 08/11/2017 06:57

OP - it worked for us.
I became a SAHM and it was brilliant for the whole family.
We have no family support, and OH and I had jobs that required a lot of last minute overtime, travel etc.
Not compatible with family life and not possible to go part time.
We didn't want to put kids into day care and I wanted to stay at home to look after them.

I was great. Calm happy home, relaxed evenings, OH OH was able to pursue his career and I loved being at home with my kids, we did loads, always going places, meeting up with friends, playgroups, walks in the woods, picnics.
OH does his fair share of housework when he can, but weekends were largely taken up with having fun and family time.

Kids also need a lot of support at school- they get a lot of holidays, need ferried to after school clubs etc, I'm not sure it gets easier then either, but it did give me lots of time to work out ways of making money from home, so I didn't need to go back to work then either.

I know it's an old fashioned approach, but it has meant for a great quality of life for our whole family.

I never did resume my career, but 12 years on my little home business took off so well that I earn more than my OH and only work 20 hours a week.
It's been a win win win situation for us.

annandale · 08/11/2017 07:00

I would have liked to be at home for a bit longer, yes. Thank fuck I didn't, as when dh's chronic illness became acutely much worse and he was unable to work at all, we still had an income.

If you both want your dwelling to be at home, what's stopping you? Things are often doable if you go for it as a team?

JackietheBackie · 08/11/2017 07:00

I love my job and would be desperately sad if I had to stop. But my husband is studying and we paid for childcare before they started school and that made it easier. It sounds like you don't want to pay for any extra help which means it is going to be tough for a while. !aybe a well defined schedule of what gets done when might take the worry out of it for you.

XJerseyGirlX · 08/11/2017 07:02

Tbh op, I welcomed getting out of the house for a few days each week to feel normal and like an adult. Is there anyway you could switch roles and she goes full time and you be the sahd?

MsJaneAusten · 08/11/2017 07:04

i guess my question is do working mothers enjoy working or would they deep down rather be at home to look after the kids.

Dunno. Do working fathers enjoy working or would they rather be at home? Do you really think ‘working mothers’ are one homogenous group?

How hard did your wife work to get her career? Is she happy stopping her career progression and becoming reliant on you, not just for the current ‘manic’ period, but potentially forever after her career stalls?

—notice also, questions should end with question marks—

venys · 08/11/2017 07:07

I am a SAHM mum (and had a career beforehand). I don't think the chaos ever leaves. I have two at school and one home at the moment and there is still loads of rushing for both OH and I in mornings and evenings. It is very stressful . No I don't get huge amounts done around the house in a day because I am looking after the kids! I actually think that sometimes those who are working can get a break sometimes because they have childcare eg if you are sick you can just sleep on the couch whereas I have to muscle through it. I think you just need to think hard as to what works for you and how to mitigate the stresses.

LillyLollyLandy · 08/11/2017 07:07

I’m a mother of 3, working full time. My kids are 6, 3 and 10 months.

I went back full time after each child because my career is important to me, I’ve seen far too many women take a career break to look after kids and then be unable to find a job once they’re all at school and most importantly for me, I value my independence. I want to be sure that if DH dropped dead/ran off with his secretary/I ran off with my secretary that I could still look after my children and not have to stress about money.

Giving up Work has huge long term financial implications as opposed to immediate short term gain. Think of pensions for example.

Ways that we make our lives work for us (DH is also full time):

We stagger our days. I start early, he does drop off. I then finish early and do pick up.
Get a cleaner for 3 hours a week.
Routine routine routine. Agree what she’s in charge of at home and what you’re in charge of, then stick to it.
Go to bed early at least 2 nights per week

I have more but will stop for now.

StealthPolarBear · 08/11/2017 07:09

I work for many of the same reasons you work op. I'm not just a little wife who has to work to supplement her husbands income.

Headofthehive55 · 08/11/2017 07:11

I regret not working more and therefore not having a better career.

SonicBoomBoom · 08/11/2017 07:11

I guess my question is do working mothers enjoy working or would they deep down rather be at home to look after the kids.

Oh fuck off.

I am a "working mother" and I have absolutely zero interest in giving up my very good and hard-earned career so I can do all the shitwork at home, so my husband doesn't have to.

Go part-time yourself or get a cleaner.

Quartz2208 · 08/11/2017 07:12

I work 3 days (2 at home) and however much I hated going back in the early stages now my youngest is at school I am so glad I stuck with it however hard it was.

It's telling you say there is minimal space capacity for her to keep on top of it not we/us

Rudi44 · 08/11/2017 07:12

I went back to work when my now 11 year old was 9 months. I worked 4 days and partner worked . I work full time now (very full on job I love including overseas travel) and partner is a stay at home dad. My earnings are more than he could get so it makes sense. Plus I love my job and he loathed his.
Am very grateful to him for enabling me to work but there are times when I feel my daughter misses out as a consequence of me not being as visible at school as other mums, particularly when she was still at primary. The other mums bonded at the school gates and in coffee shops after drop off and I wasn't able to do this and I am sure DD missed out on some invites to things because I didn't know the other mums very well.

IrritatedUser1960 · 08/11/2017 07:13

Too right I would have been a SAHM, unfortunately I was a single mum with no suppirt or maintenance as ex H buggered off abroad so I had to do all this stuff on my own and work full time.
I shudder when I look back at those years.

PineConesAplenty · 08/11/2017 07:14

It worked for us.

We juggled work and childcare for a year with one child then Dh got promoted and we relocated. At that point I became a SAHM but it wasn't planned.

I missed my job and socialising with adults, making friends in a new area was very difficult and I didn't have any friends for 18 months. My family and PIL lived far away and so I did it all by myself.

I am okay with that, but it depends on the person.

I have been a SAHM for 12 years. I have never returned to working because I am happy being home and Dh is happy with me being home and fully understands what I contribute.

Dh and I have been together for 21 years, married for 18 and I found it very difficult in the beginning to not earn my own money. We had a very frank discussion about finances when I became a SAHM, I have full access to all monies and am not answerable for what I spend. I am not a child Dh and I have the same attitude to money which is important I think.

Both Dh and I are graduates but I love being a SAHM, it allowed Dh to build his career but his focus is the family so he is home every night for family dinner. The children are now 14 and 11.

SleepingInYourFlowerbed · 08/11/2017 07:17

I guess my question is do working mothers enjoy working

Do you enjoy working as a father? Do other men you know enjoy working as a father? There's your answer.

TerrifyingFeistyCupcake · 08/11/2017 07:17

Christ almighty, I'd have long ago torn my own arm off, clubbed my husband to death with it and then eaten it if I had to stay at home.

Me and my career 4EVA.

speakout · 08/11/2017 07:19

do all the shitwork at home

I didn't consider my time raising my young kids at home as " shitwork".

titchy · 08/11/2017 07:19

Oh Christ this is soooo obviously a journo wanting a story but being too lazy to actually get of his arse and ask people in rl.

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