Working mothers - a complication?

[Invincibleish]

As you know, the 1 y/o and 3 y/o phase is probably the height of the stress (unless it gets worse!?) my wife and I both work so we are both juggling with kids and work. Mornings are quite manic sorting them out, their food, breakfast, clothes and getting them out. Mind you the younger one is at home with a grandparent but things still need planning and sorting. Luckily she works part time so we don’t have to go through these motions everyday.

Evenings are busy too. Once they are asleep there is lots of tidying and then the cooking for us plus other chores, which we share. In general our lives are just so busy but I am sure that is just life with young kids.

Although my wife likes her career, deep down she would rather be a stay at home mum until they are older as it would take a lot of the load off, although we do need the money. She is working the min number of days for us to be ok financially.

If my wife didn’t work, I could just focus on work and she could just focus on Home. We wouldn’t have to do all this mad juggling. Of course I would still help out where I can but I wouldn’t have the worry as my wife would have it all covered at home. Relying on grandparents is fine but not in same league as wife sorting out the kids.

On top of that, if wife was at home, she could still use occasional grandparent help anyway to look after kids while she cleans tidies up or maybe has some down time. Because she works though, there is minimal spare capacity for her to keep on top of all of this. So as a result we both just do bits and bobs adhoc when we get a bit of spare time.

So question for working mothers really would you give up work if you could or do you not mind juggling in order to have a career?

Like hell I would stay at home, and DH worked away all week so I did it all myself.

Work was my sanity, I found it boring as shit being at home all day and fairly lonely.

Whether you intended it or not, your wording really does give the impression that you see children and home as the woman’s default domain. Even asking if working mums would really prefer to be at home suggests a view that really this is what mums are cut out for. As has been said already that’s not a homogeneous group any more than working dads.

Anyway fwiw I think because you (and seemingly your wife) believe that her staying at home and you working should mean she takes on the bulk of childcare and responsibility for the home while you focus on your career then this has the potential to be a disaster.

There are a million threads on MN from sahms who thought that would make life easier and then find themselves massively fed up and resentful because they’re “on duty” 24/7 while their DH work ends when they leave their place of employment. Many are then expected to find paid employment when the dc start school, while of course also being responsible for juggling drop off/pick up/childcare because their little job isn’t as important as DHs, he has a career you see, he simply can’t do those things. Oh and of course the wife still keeps the responsibility for most of the home stuff: shopping, cooking, planning, all the thinking.

It can work but generally only where the partner in paid work also massively steps up at home too and that’s not what you’re describing.

I have read the OPs comments again, and I think he thinks his life is really tough and he's doing a fabulous job bring a great husband and father. It all sounds very disorganised to me, I want to say get your act together and stop wanting a medal for everything you do, but I won't, because that would be mean.

I guess my question is do working mothers enjoy working or would they deep down rather be at home to look after the kids.

I would not stay at home if you paid me to. My own mum was a SAHP and bitterly regrets it. She feels that she wasted her potential.

I enjoy working. I value my financial independence and would never make myself dependant on a man. I enjoy the camaraderie and the social side of work. I value the mental stimulation and sense of achievement that I get from my job. I am glad to have ongoing opportunities to learn and develop my skills. And I am proud that, through my work, I have an opportunity to make a positive difference to society.

For me personally, it is also very important to model an equal relationship for my dd, and to have her grow up knowing that it is entirely possible to combine a successful and fulfilling career with a good work-life balance and a happy family.

If others wish to stay at home with their kids, that's their choice. It wouldn't be for me.

Of course I would still help out where I can

Help out!? They are your DC, too. It not her job and you merely "help" her. You are both 100% parents, whether working or not, and you both take responsibility.
You need a change of mindset.

Euphoria there really isn’t enough there to tell us whether he’s doing a fabulous job or not. However I do agree it sounds disorganised. Op maybe starting a thread asking for advice on how you can both manage work and young dc would be helpful, there’s certainly enough of us here with the experience.

I'm a single working mother and would happily jack it all in if I had a partner who could work or I would work full time if I had a partner willing to stay at home. Doing both is just exhausting with 3 kids, just a constant slog.

I wouldn't be a SAHM even if I won the lottery. Not a chance.

You can discount my thoughts on the matter because we're not 'traditional' and I'm the main breadwinner. Still, I haven't forced DH to give up work because I can't be arsed doing half the nursery/ school pickups and a bit of tidying in the evening.

I’ve 4 kids. I was a SAHM for three years but then worked part time and had little ones. Personally I’m very happy to juggle career and looking after the kids. DH does need to pull his weight and sometimes I get the feeling that me having a career is a bit annoying for him because more is expected of him. He has quite a big job with a commute and gets tired. But I work because it adds something rich to my life and self esteem. The money also gives me some freedom in our otherwise tight budget. The work social aspect also adds a nice variation.

I have read that outsourcing jobs is the way to go. So buy in a cleaner and gardener. Get into good routines with the little ones first thing. Take charge of one child each.

Why aren’t you asking yourself if you truly enjoy your job? Wouldn’t you rather be at home spending time with your kids and parenting etc?

Just like some people work only to be able to afford their lives, others work for a myriad of reasons.

If asking you to consider giving up your job just smacks you as extremely odd on the face of it, then please understand that for some of us too it smacks us as extremely odd to be expected to give up work or go in resentfully etc. I’m highly trained, I have multiple degrees, I love my work. I am taking my maternity leave because physically and biologically I need to birth this baby, and I hope to bf and I need to recover physically. I’m not taking it to “sort out home stuff” while my husband “climbs his career ladder”. That may work for some. But it’s offensive to assume it works for all.

So in answer to your question - no not all working mums wish “deep down” that they were home instead.

Hi OP, I love being a stay at home mum! For me it's all I ever wanted.

I totally understand where your wife is coming from. I love that when DH comes home all of his clothes are clean and his dinner is cooked and the house is tidy!

It probably sounds super boring but I can't think of anything better than spending all day every day with the baby, cooking, cleaning and tidying!

well if one of the grandparents is providing you with free childcare, surely the obvious answer is to round up any remaining grandparents and ask, nay demand, that they take up the slack, do their duty ,and flipping well sort out the cleaning,shopping and cooking chores that you feel are not your personal responsibility. Then you can go back to your rightful job of being Head of the House.

I honestly cannot tell whether OP is trying to sound like a total twerp or not.

I would rather lose money on childcare than be a SAHM. It's utterly essential that I work for my mental health. Lucky for me, my DH understands that.

Trollop, I wish my mum had worked for the sake of her own mental health. We'd all have been much happier!

I tried being a SAHM. I hated it (thought it was what I wanted, it sent me insane and I realised I just needed a better job, so I got one). I have worked since the youngest was 20 months old, she's about to turn 6 and I'm making plans to go back full time, from my current 3 days a week.

Both DH and I maintaining careers has meant we can afford decent childcare, cleaners and fabulous holidays and quality time.

I would not even stay at home and do drudge work if you paid me the same salary I receive for going to work. retaining my adult, career identity has been so important for me.

And I'm self-reliant, if DH did a runner or something happened to his earning ability - no problem, me and the kids will be fine.

I cannot go back to work (severely disabled child), husband earns a much higher wage than I did, but boy is it boring as the years roll by. I’d love to go back, but it’s not an option.

I gave up my job and am a SAHM (and no it doesn't get easier as they get older it becomes harder, because of conflicting schedules, extra curricular activities etc.) Being in charge of the home is also mind numbingly dull I hate it. Money is never your own. I feel out of touch with my peers, it's frigging lonely too. Selfish of you to even think she should do it.

I wouldn't give up work. My dc won't be young forever. Anyway, I earn more than dh.

Ask for advice on practical ideas on how you can make life easier for you both, that would be much more productive.
Ask a question that is phrased more along the lines of...what do you regret about being a SAHM?.. if you want to find out about the downsides to your wife of following your dream plan.

FWIW lots of single working mothers and families with two full-time working parents manage the laundry. My advice is wash on regularly every morning for an hour. Let it dry during the day. Fold in the evening into a basket. Put away in drawers while I get them ready for bed/get them up in the morning. Never do nothing, always be picking things up and putting away as I nag/chat/wait for them to do something.

This is a short term phase, it will get easier. Don't persuade your wife to completely sacrifice herself for the next couple of years if she is not really that keen. She may never be able to get back to a similar level of work after a big break.

I suspect if the wife were posting on here the conversation might be somewhat different...

OP, you're coming across as a bit of a twat, and frankly your attitudes are not something that I would want my children (male or female) to pick up. Dorislessingscat has it right.

I guess my question is do working mothers enjoy working or would they deep down rather be at home to look after the kids. Or if you are a stay at home mum, is it all it is cracked up to be?

Saying that everyone is different, deep down I’d rather be doing something fulfilling, capitalising on my two degrees, getting paid handsomely, have a lovely banter with colleagues, feeling valued as a professional and a person. Clue: you aren’t getting any if this staying at home. It was a MASSIVE, MASSIVE sacrifice on my part. Make no mistake here. Being SAHM is not great, it is not an easy life, it is isolating, it is unfulfilling, it is drudgery day in and day out.

I speak as a person who worked FT with one child, PT with two and HAD to leave work after my third. Not because I wanted to, but because it wasn’t working for my children and my family and my children took precedence over what I wanted as an individual. I loved working outside home, from every point of view.

Now, you have what I didn’t, i.e. support from family and 50/50 split in chores. This makes all the difference. If I was in your situation, I would rather hire a cleaner etc, but keep my foot in the door at work. Please don’t minimise the sacrifice for a woman to give up the work and all that comes with it. My children/husband are so much happier and family life is relaxed now I don’t do ‘employed’ work (work for myself very PT), but hand on heart, I would go back to my old FT job in a heartbeat. I miss it and I think of it a lot. Please don’t make your DW take the decisions she doesn’t want to take.

There are a million threads on MN from sahms who thought that would make life easier and then find themselves massively fed up and resentful because they’re “on duty” 24/7 while their DH work ends when they leave their place of employment. Many are then expected to find paid employment when the dc start school, while of course also being responsible for juggling drop off/pick up/childcare because their little job isn’t as important as DHs, he has a career you see, he simply can’t do those things. Oh and of course the wife still keeps the responsibility for most of the home stuff: shopping, cooking, planning, all the thinking.
Absolutely this ^.
Dh has a high flying career with good pension, largely incompatible with family life. I (also with degree and post grad) went pt with first dc, eventually sahp with second, as had v little support. It's largely boring, lonely and thankless. V difficult to find a job now which either pays for childcare or fits in with school times. I'll also be up shit creek if he trades me in for a younger, less resentful model. Who no doubt has a thriving career.

Working mothers really aren’t any different from working fathers you know. We aren’t a different species genetically programmed to just be better are childcare and housework. Anyway to answer your question, no I wouldn’t give up work for anything. HTH