Anyone else feel that being a dad and sole breadwinner is a lousy deal?

[SpareWheel]

DW and I are SITCOMs (single income, two children, oppressive mortgage). I work crazy hours and race back work half-done to see the kids a little bit before bedtime then try to finish off work and fall into bed. At the risk of sounding like a whinger, I feel like I'm becoming a crap employee, crap husband and a crap father all in one - surely I'm not the only one...

I've just emerged from 3 years of being the sole breadwinner, during which time ds was born, I had 3 mcs and got pg with no 2. I had a very flexible job in higher education so was able to spend a great deal more time with ds than the average FT worker (and am desperately proud of the fact he's nearly 2 and I'm still bf him), but tbh I hated it (particularly because I became more and more disenchanted with the job - it was a teaching-only Engliah-language role (we are abroad), which was not really what I wanted to do, but the employment market here has been through the most dreadful few years) - felt like a shite mother and a not-very-good employee. I had very much the rosy SAHM ideal in my head and felt sad that I didn't have that, and tbh was very, very jealous of dh for being able to be a SAHD and study. Things like doing ds's doctor's appointments, taking him out for days and so on became 'badges of honour' to me, that I could hardly bear to let dh do, and I gradually got more and more worn down. We had a decent, but not high income and I loathed the financial pressure (I was also the one keeping my eye on the finances - dh isn't bad with money, but is not much good at saving and budgeting). Due to various circumstances, though, it was he best way we could have gone (financially) at the time. Now I work PT in a completely different area and dh has finally got funding for his PhD. We've only had this situation for a month so are not sure how it will be long-term, but I already feel a great deal happier. I kow some families the traditional father-as-sole-breadwinner model works very, very well for, but I can't see it happening for us, at least for the foreseeable future. I find my attitude to my work is split between pride in managing ds and work and sadness at not being a SAHM. dh has often said he would like the role of sole provider, but I think if it came down to it he actually wouldn't - he is an absolute natural with ds, and I have to concede in a way that it has been very, very good for ds to have him around so much and he has given him things I probably couldn't have given him. I sometimes joke (with a slight edge of sadness) that he is a better mother than me.

i dont agree with parents who stay at home to raise children being called 'unemployed'.
i am a sahm and we get by, just, and i am not 'employed' by anyone obviously, but to me someone who is unemployed is someone who wishes not to work for no apparent reason, like many of jeremy kyle's guests.

yes i watch jezza sometimes, when i get the time!! lol

just wanted to say that as i have nothing much else constructive to say as usual!

ooh I hear u lady! and UD - my DH tries - and I say that tries to tell me

"it's my money I earn it let me decide I say when/what you can spend money on it's mine" so I say aback well you know what after all bills are paid we have x it's our money - cos i'd go back to work and he could look after our son but I kid you not he's already said no he wouldn't be able to do it. he likes working.

for us it's not about miss power zenia. pre J I worked FT and we earnt roughly the same (take home pay) there was NEVER mine and yours, now we don't have mine and yours, we're a partnership. besdies if I was to bill DH for all the hours I did he'd need a second job to pay them! lol.

fairs fair thou, I might not have 'paid' employment to contribute to the pot, but I keep the hosue clean and tidy, ensure DH alwasy has a cooked meal on the table at 5 o'clock, has his lunch ready when he comes in at 1, his uniform/clothes washed and ironed (uniforms not thou that's his thing to do). apart from going to work, DH's job every day is to bath and night bottel wqith J. normally while i'm washing up after tea. it's a fiar trade and it works for us. DH understands I put in jsut as much as he does.

Two mothers below may be slightly cross they have made irrevocable career sacrifices which can probably never be righted which their husbands havenm't made? Women do this again and again and often regret it when men die or abandon them to live abroad with their new younger woman etc. or even if they just stay together and the children go and you've still got your little dull part tiem job and husband is enjoying 20 more years of really interesting career so I think looking long term it's rarely giving up those work chances as even if you work full time you can have a lovely family life too.

We've tried 1.both working, 2. me working and dh SAHD, and 3. dh working and me SAHM. Financially, options 1 and 3 worked out about the same. Option 2 was financially disastrous, and I didn't feel I had a lousy deal necessarily, but I did feel a certain degree of guilt that I had chosen (and loved) a lower paid career. So I suppose Xenia has a point re women and career choice.

I have talked about this a lot with dh, and he insists that he doesn't feel he gets the fuzzy end of the lollipop. He loves his job, gets lots of support at home, lots of 'garage time', and I am the one who organises our day-to-day finances (as I have more time).

And he knows it's not for ever...

UD..in answer to your question.. I just don't know ! They are still together and have 2 more children. But it leaves a bad taste in the mouth I think. For her: where's the pride in not just getting on with doing it herself, and for him, where's the pride in agreeing to such mad requests in the first place ?

100% true story i promise you.

I'm not sure I like the tone of some of the responses here.

I don't resent DW one bit and it's down to her that we have two such lovely kids. She doesn't "earn" as such, but she works every bit as hard as me and because of her I am freed-up to earn more (IMO I earn "our" money).

My only gripe is that while DW has the satisfaction of being a good mum, I'm becoming a mediocre jack-of-all-trades. I seem to catch the sharp end of everything - criticism at work when the work doesn't get done, I don't understand the kids properly and end up whipping them into a rage, put the wrong nappy on etc. AND I admit I don't pay enough attention to DW (although she's pretty understanding about that).

It's very easy to say: "downsize" or "work for yourself", but the reality is very different. I can't see how living in a poky flat would make things better. The theory of working for yourself is fine, but I have a close relative who runs his own business and his time is never his own - he always has to leave his kids and deal with some work-related emergency.

If not downsizing, what about lookinf for another job? cutting your commuting time by 5 hours a week would be life enhancing for instance. Or finding a company with a more flexible, family friendly attitude to hours - one where you could work from home sometimes, do a 4 long days a week in exchange for a 3 day weekend for instance - whatever deal seems better for you and your dw.

It may be easier to negotiate a better deal if you start with a new employer, rather than asking your current empolyer to compromise. Or, if it would pay you enought, have you considered working for the public sector, where family friendly working and longer holidays are more standard. I swapped my private sector job for a public sector one - roughly same sort of payscale, but now I can walk to work (25 mins) or 10 mins drive, and have approx 10 - 12 weeks holiday a year, by working time off in lieu.

Life is a trade off, SW. Sorry, but it really is.

We make choices and we continue to do what works, even if we're not even fully aware that that's why we continue to do what we do.

If you feel trapped, then you either do something about it or you don't.

No decision is still a decision.

xenia i'm not cross at all thank you v much. IO chose to have a child, and I chose to stop working.

2nd that munz.
i hated my job and have always wanted to be a sahm and bring my kids up. i greatly appreciate my husband and what he does for us. he has given me everything i wanted with regards family.

how lame am i?

all isaid was i dont consider myself 'unemployed' but more 'homemaker' and saying that, i prefer 'housewife' tbh!

SpareWheel I feel just like you most of the time (I work 4 days and so does my DH). Providing security for our children is a vital part of parenting but one of the least appreciated aspects. People say "he's a really good dad" when a father contributes to the day-to-day aspects of looking after children but you don't hear people say "he's a really good dad" about a man who works really hard at a job he doesn't like much just to provide financially for his family.

Wow Xenia some of your comments are just breathtaking.

".. showing their children a woman's role is not in subservience to men cleaning shopping cooking and serving but instead leading the nation"

What a huge insult to stay at home parents. I think stay at home parents are every bit as good role models to children as working parents.

"because children are better off when there is more money around to fund schools fees and opportunities for them and to pay a cleaner"

I think children might want money a little further down the priority list than you imagine.

"because work is fun and for me leaving the children was a huge relief"

I appreciate your honesty but I wonder if your children felt the same relief.

Work is fun?

Shovelling shit with a teaspoon is more fun than a lot of jobs out there.

Then pick work you love; people really do make stupid career decisions and only have themselves to blame for that. If you love being home with babies do that if you like it. If you don't work. I was just putting some of the ways you can benefit children if both parents work that was all which people find astounding and yet you never get astounding comments when stay at home parents start going on about babies needing a parent there or else they are damaged for life.

Anyway I'm not in the same position as most people. I'm in year 22 of being a parent so I've had quite a bit of time to practise it and work out what works for us as a family and that has obviously changed over time too.

I think whether you stay at home or work if you have children under 5 life is very hard and that's it and then it gets better.

There are other trade offs too.

I work from home as a CM and until we had dd (our second child) I was main breadwinner. DH has now far overtaken me, and I'm working part time, money is tight, with two under 5.

I enjoy my job but wish dh was home more - we're lucky that he leaves at around 8, returns aroud 6 and sometimes is home for lunch too.

I probably earn more working from home than I'd do out of it. We have to have my income though - without it, we'd lose our house.

Easier said than done, Xenia.

And what if the work you love doesn't pay enough for you to live in rip-off Britain, but you can't get out?

Xenia - you come accross as if you've had some pretty awful experiences. Is that the case?

Xenia - I think I may know you from another website (am I allowed to say that?) and although you express your views in a fairly controversial way, I can see some sense in what you say. I was divorced two years ago, but separated some time before that when my husband who was the main breadwinner walked out. Because my mother had worked herself to pay for my education and give me options(with my father doing the majority of the childcare) I was (happily) in a position to go out and find a job which has allowed me to support myself and my sons. I would love to spend more time with the boys, but I know they get the best of me, and I hold my head high that I am doing all I can for us. This is not meant to belittle the choices at anyone makes, and in a different life, I might have wanted things another way. Parenthood is hard enough without beating up the people who do it differently.

I think the point is, do whatever feels right, but always retain a degree of self-sufficiency, because you never know what is around the corner

I think that Xenia fails to recognise that not everyone can have a glittering, high-flying career for no fault of their own.

Equally we choose our partners for many reasons but few of us are caluclating enough to say "Well you are a lovely man, a great shag and would be a fab dad but as you don't earn enough then you'll have to be dumped."

SW, I'm the main breadwinner in my household and sometimes it is hard to feel that all of the financial responsibility is yours. Make sure that your wife is fully involved in all of your financial decisions/totally aware of the situation so that although it may remain up to you to earn the cash the burden of your own particular economic reality is shared.

I agree with others who've suggested considering what may have previously seemed unthinkable with regard to your work and lifestyle. It may be that you will decide that the situation you are in now is, whilst not great, the best for your family right now but unless you truly review your life you won't know. Also at least if you stick with the status quo after a thorough review of things it will feel more like an active decusion/choice rather than just being what you are stuck with.

I agree with what LadidaDi says about re-evaluating. I am amazed now about how many of the things that seemed important (like swanky holidays) have disappeared without being missed to be replaced with things like picnics in the park and laughing at TV on a Saturday night. I no longer feel like I have to keep up and that release is a joy. The moergage is still oppressive, but its in the background and it is important to find the cheap thrills that make your family laugh and work well together

I do so agree that people who go into nursing, teaching, caring for old people etc., are really stupid. After all, those jobs are low-paid so therefore worthless.

They should all go into finance, which the country needs far more.

Parp.

Cm absolutely. We can easily import our nurses and we can outsource the dire jobs to places abroad but we need to ensure London remains an most important financial centre. Anyway I meant personally - girls are silly who pick careers which will mean their children are cross the family is so poor. You owe it to your children to earn a decent living.