Anyone else feel that being a dad and sole breadwinner is a lousy deal?

[SpareWheel]

DW and I are SITCOMs (single income, two children, oppressive mortgage). I work crazy hours and race back work half-done to see the kids a little bit before bedtime then try to finish off work and fall into bed. At the risk of sounding like a whinger, I feel like I'm becoming a crap employee, crap husband and a crap father all in one - surely I'm not the only one...

May be there's some masochistic schadenfreude in the first from Oxford spending her life serving in domestic chores the needs of men and children. I suppose as a Catholic I can see some moral good in putting yourself second and scrubbing those convent floors 20 times even when there is no dirt there because the act of humility itself is a worthy end.

Xenia don't you ever get bored of this?

Not so far. If I get a man (or a woman I suppose if I were gay) then I expect I'd desist as being otherwise engaged. I'm kind of tied to my house and office because of work and the children at the moment and I was ill for the last 2 months so haven't been able to do much.

'Ah but working parents of both sexes are so clever and better at being parents than stay at homers that they give more to their children in those two hours than the stay at homers do all day. '

Bolleaux.

MOST working parents can't afford to pay people to do domestic chores - of course, that's their fault for being so thick and stupid they didn't become rich City financiers.

So in their time at home they're having to juggle everything on top of the kids.

Xenia - I have traded in my high earning power for domestic drudgery as a SAHM after the two of us found the juggling act of two careers and 3 small children had a detrimental effect on ALL areas of our lives. The ones who gained most were our employers. We barely saw each other, we paid a nanny and a cleaner but still ended up picking up the raw end of the children and the mess. We were permanently tired and stressed. So, uncomfortable a decision as it was for me to give up the reputation, the income (and sense of worth and independence that went with that) and having not a clue what I will do when the kids no longer need me at home, I quit. So, our marriage is no longer in balance. And we have less money. But I am always there for my children now instead of at the end of a phone. I would not change it at all. Because we chose to have them and they need a parent around a lot more than our jobs allowed for. We all make our choices according to our priorities and what is available at the time. Yours may be different from mine, but please don't give me or anyone else like me a hard time for having different priorities.

Xenia - who are these SAHMs that you talk of. I don't know anyone who fits your description. My experience is that mothers with higher education either return to work after their children are young or use their resources to set up their own business or do some work for themselves.

I bet even all your brother's friends' trophy wives will somehow find a way to use their resources to earn some money in the future.

Springadora - "I would not change it at all. Because we chose to have them and they need a parent around a lot more than our jobs allowed for. We all make our choices according to our priorities and what is available at the time. Yours may be different from mine, but please don't give me or anyone else like me a hard time for having different priorities."

I sometimes wonder if Xenia's viewpoint is skewed because she was married to a teacher who was able to finish work at the same time each day and had long holidays in which the children had a parent present. It could have been a very different picture if her husband had also been a city lawyer.

xenia, you say SAHMS who give up their career when they marry are taking a risk, as they will be hard pressed to have a decent earning career if their partner leaves them later.

But here you are saying it's pointless for wowen to get qualifications when they are young, if they intend to be at home full time with children.

But surely having a degree/post graduate training is something to fall back on, so SAHMS with good qualifications who are left by their parterns are in a stronger position than SAHMS with few qualifications?

While I agreee that having good qualifications but no recent work experience is not an ideal combination for getting most reasonable jobs, it is surely better than having just the basic qualfications as well as no work experience?

Or do you think a degree that's not backed up by work experience is generally worthless in the job market after a certain time has elapsed?

Oh Xenia, you protest too much. Come on, there's absolutely nothing immoral about wanting a happy, harmonious family life and devoting one's education to that end.

I thought Xenia was real but now I really believe is a troll... one cannot talk constantly and exclusively about just ONE subject surely!!! what is the point of all this education and money I wonder?

STOP REACTING TO XENIA!!! SHE IS DAMAGED!!!! SHE NEEDS SERIOUS THERAPY!!!!! Also she clearly doesn't love her children enough to want to spend time with them.

Yes, but Spring how come, surprise , surprise it's you who made the career sacrifice and long term career damage to yourself whilst your husband is the one working? Why is it so often that way round? Because many marriages and this country is sexist to the core.

Xenia!! Stop being such a dry snatch and go and get some sex its obviously what you need!!

Woah....calm down Ant. I think an apology for that comment, don't you?

No why?! Its funny! And lets face it its true!! she needs to shut up, go out, drink some champagne and HAVE SOME FUN!!!!!!!! And then she needs to go and see a psychotherapist to deal with her issues.

It sounded like an attack, Ant. Attack by name....

DrDaddy you are a good soul! And an adventurer too judging by your photo! Xenia is so annoying I just had to sound off. But I do think some good loving is what that woman needs!!!!

Ok.
Xenia makes me smile. And she sticks to her beliefs. We may wholeheartedly disagree, but I respect her for her opinion....
I know you do too. Anyway - back to this awful Panorama prog!

I couldn't agree more, Dr. Daddy.

It takes all colours to make a rainbow, I guess!

Panorama???? FATHER TED! Much more fun!!!

Xenia - wasn't I married to you once?

AA, I'm working on it.
(P, I wouldn't know, would I?)

Xenia - you may be right about the sexism behind the female sacrifice. BUT, given the choice I'd rather reinforce sexist stereotypes than for my chidren to be parented by a series of surrogates.

I've been having a long hard think about all this. In fact, one of the battles I had with myself over giving up work was that it took a lot of education and hard work to get to the level I was at. And yup it sends out crap messages to employers if all the high flying women leave at the pinnacle of their careers.

In reality I think the problem is that no parent (male or female) can have it all. It is nigh on impossible to do two jobs at the same time (i.e. be a parent and work full time)at 100%. Something gives. And that for most people is a daily reality as most people cannot afford not to work. But if fortunate enough to be able to make the choice, surely we'd all like to be able to concentrate on doing one thing really really well? And to the Dad who originally posted, my heart goes out to you as I've been in your shoes.

Springadora - rest assured. I gave up work to look after my daughter. She will be starting school (mornings only) when she will be 2.10 in September, and I wanted to start doing some work part time. I put out a couple of feelers for some work 2 weeks ago and I have 100% positive responses.

Thanks Anna - that is reassuring. Thing is I'd like to reinvent myself when I go back into the workplace and that will take time, retraining and ouch, confidence!