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Anyone else feel that being a dad and sole breadwinner is a lousy deal?

239 replies

SpareWheel · 10/04/2007 13:51

DW and I are SITCOMs (single income, two children, oppressive mortgage). I work crazy hours and race back work half-done to see the kids a little bit before bedtime then try to finish off work and fall into bed. At the risk of sounding like a whinger, I feel like I'm becoming a crap employee, crap husband and a crap father all in one - surely I'm not the only one...

OP posts:
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yesireallycan · 10/04/2007 17:15

I think my DH thinks it's a bit of a lousy deal too. He does feel the responsibility, and I know sometimes lays awake at night worrying about our finances. What we have done though is really downsize our lifestyle. DH was made redundant a few years ago and took the chance to set up his own business. It actually didn't work out and he is now working again but the experience has taught us that we were on a bit of a treadmill - we now live more simply and with less "stuff" e.g we only have an old second hand telly, no cable or Sky, we have a cheap sofa from Argos, I recovered my dining chairs myself rather than buy new, etc. We have also chosen not to have an oppressive mortgage - we rent, which is actually cheaper at the moment. DH now works from home - while he works long hours, he does not have a commute and so sees a lot of the girls. Everything in life is a trade off though - and he does miss the social aspect of working outside the home. I also have a part time job as an online trainer which gives me some "pocket money" but I would not describe as an income - I know many mums who do similar things on the side e.g Usborne books, Phoenix cards etc. Any chance your DW could do something like that? It sounds as if you feel trapped and resentful. Is there any way to make changes in pursuit of a a better quality of life overall - I do know of people who have negotiated to work at home part time for example? Or could you downshift your lifestyle a bit? It really is possible to live well with a less "flashy" lifestyle.

OrmIrian · 10/04/2007 17:17

Sometimes I feel that being a grown-up is a lousy deal TBH. But yes, I can see that sole breadwinner status is pretty scary. Although with DH and I both working at least part-time loss of either income would leave us in the sh*t but not as deeply as if either of us was the only one.

elasticbandstand · 10/04/2007 17:22

soul breadwinner is a lousy deal but in my house i work and do the house and look after kids, and my earnings, quite meagre, do matter too.

jhyesmum · 10/04/2007 20:07

Hi, I actually really feel for you.

In our house me and DH both work. I wanted to go back to work so my DH didn't have all the pressure on his shoulders.

We have always managed (well most of the time!) to do the child care between us.

Good luck, and i hope you feel better about yourself too.

NadineBaggott · 10/04/2007 20:09

you'll be first to be called up too and last on the lifeboat

who'd be a man?

Gobbledigook · 10/04/2007 20:10

Absolutely PMSL!!!

doggiesayswoof · 10/04/2007 20:15

Yes, I'd hate to be the sole breadwinner. Me and dh both work f/t and both feel we are 2nd best at all the roles we try and play.

we are both looking at going p/t so we can have a bit of breathing space. For me I would always prefer both of us working part-time rather than one earning the cash and one being at home. That's just us though.

I presume your dw does know you feel like this?

DaddyCool · 10/04/2007 20:15

being a man is good though. isn't it? i mean c'mon, we haven't genuinely got alot to worry about do we?

being a woman must really suck.

Gobbledigook · 10/04/2007 20:16

Gawd, my dh would never swap roles with me. He knows a cushy deal when he sees one!

NadineBaggott · 10/04/2007 20:17

worry?

probably when you;ll get your next sh*g and that's about it!

(or if you'll make the lifeboat)

jhyesmum · 10/04/2007 20:18

I like you daddycool!!

DaddyCool · 10/04/2007 20:20

i probably wouldn't be bothered to get on the boat in the first place. why take risks?

doggiesayswoof · 10/04/2007 20:20

I've now read whole thread.

yesireallycan, what a brilliant post. IKWYM about the treadmill thing - I think it's really hard to get off once you've started down that road. Quite depressing how many people get into debt, work really long hours etc, just so they can buy more stuff.
(Sparewheel I'm not suggesting this is you btw.)

jhyesmum · 10/04/2007 20:21

Dcool - LMAO!!!!!!

doggiesayswoof · 10/04/2007 20:22

Feck I hate when that happens - lots of cheeky banter, then along comes me with a big serious x-post

DaddyCool · 10/04/2007 20:25

oh don't worry about it woof. i'm a man so i only read the first 3 words anyway then lost interest and started picking my nose.

jhyesmum · 10/04/2007 20:27

Stop!!!!!!

DaddyCool · 10/04/2007 20:28

i wasn't joking.

DaddyCool · 10/04/2007 20:28
Smile
Blondilocks · 10/04/2007 20:33

LOL!!!

It could be worse.... I avoid working crazy hours as much as possible because I am studying in the evenings once I get home & have put DD to bed etc etc. & am single... not that I have time for a boyfriend at the moment!!

But even if I was childless/a bloke/not single I still couldn't work some of the CRAZY hours that some people at my work pull off.... OUCH... I did it for ONE week & that was enough!!! Not sure working all day then going to bed as soon as I get in is much of a life really.....

Blondilocks · 10/04/2007 20:34

& now I just have visions of a fully grown man picking his nose... eugh! lol

Obviously I DO have a few minutes to squeeze in mumsnet? Well who wouldn't?!

Pruni · 10/04/2007 20:34

Message withdrawn

SpareWheel · 10/04/2007 21:26

BTW DW is a superstar - she does heaven knows how much at home, juggles both DKs who are growing up to be little smashers, finds time to do the playgroup, tea groups, baby swimming, tumbletots AND fun trips out without e'er a complaint and is indeed v. sympathetic to the tired and irascible shadowy figure who drifts in and out of the house in the morning and evening.

Blondilocks - I also humbly abase myself before the single parent - don't know how you manage it all.

P.S. As Spike Milligan said - you can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose...

OP posts:
FatChance · 18/04/2007 14:45

I work all the hours God sends and try to save the weekend for the kids, but it means I have so little precious intimate time with DW - we're only alone when we're asleep. DW asked me last week if I'm having an affair! That really caps it off.

UnquietDad · 21/04/2007 13:41

DW and I both worked, have always done and probably always will, so I can't really comment from the point of view of a sole breadwinner. Some of my friends are, though.

There should be pros and cons to being the sole earner. The disadvantages are clear: you get to see less of your children, you probably have to put work first more of the time than you would like, you are out of the house for most of the day, you get home very tired and probably just want to put your feet up, the financial pressure is entirely on you so you can't screw up... have I missed anything?

What, though, should the advantages be? Well, primarily, I suppose, it's a big one for the family rather than for you personally - you free up your wife to spend all her time being a wife and mother, rather than having to use childcare. And she can devote time to getting to know other mums, and will have time for things like the PTA and helping out at school events and so on, if that's what you want.

Are there any for you, as a man? Well, I suppose in theory it should mean that you get a lot of say over things. You're the one with the purse-strings, you ought to have a big hand in deciding how the money is spent - and, in theory, you ought to get some free time at weekends.

It doesn't seem to work that way with some of my friends, though. Their wives resent their work, almost as if they are thinking that the man subconsciously wats to be away from the family to evade family duties - which, in most cases, is untrue and unfair.

In the case of one couple I know, the bloke's wife INSISTS that, because he gets a "lunch break" at work, she deserves an hour "to herself" each day as well. Therefore, he has to get up an hour before her and be with the kids before going to work, so that she can have an hour reading in bed or doing her nails or whatever else she wants to do. (Both her children are at school now, so what the fuck she does with herself between 9 and 3 each day is open to debate.) This, I think, is taking the piss, and yet he just accepts it. Possibly because she is a hot yummy-mummy who probably puts out big time.

I've seen it time and again on here, too - "my DH works long hours, wants to put his feet up/go to football/play golf at weekends, am I being unreasonable? Why can't he spend more time at home?" Well, he could, love, but you'd be finding somewhere else to live and cancelling that gym membership pretty sharpish, and learning to get to know Morrisons rather than your beloved Waitrose. It's a trade-off, and you have to accept both sides of the equation.