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Original poster

Dread going home to moany shouting wife?

123 replies

GotABitTricky · 05/07/2015 14:53

Walk in the door to verbal abuse. Told by wife to get out, so as too tired to argue, turned and went back out house.

I will return home in an hour after going to supermarket, and I feel sorry for kids having to put up with her moods and lazy mess.

Anyone else have to put up with this?
I would divorce if we could afford 2 small houses but can't.

OP posts:

timeou · 03/09/2015 06:53

I agree, my mother was also like this and it affected me so badly as a child. You need to protect the children from this, things my mother did like this have stayed with me all my life. Just reading your description of you wife makes me anxious.

lunar1 · 03/09/2015 06:58

This sounds like a horrible way to live for you and the children. It's her that should leave not you and the children. Do you own the house or rent?

Spartans · 03/09/2015 07:02

I am sure she can do these things. She chooses not to, because you will do it. Which (when it's to this extent) is abusive in itself.

Please get out with your kids or get her out.

I see nothing wrong with your posts. To me it reads similar to many posts from many abused women. it sounds to me like you are at Rock bottom and so low you can't even get the energy to be enraged or distressed.

Fwiw there is no one way a victim of abuse should act or write. The 'there must be more to this' posts are very unhelpful and shocking. No one can tell a victim how to react.

Shockers · 03/09/2015 07:18

You say she drinks, but not in the morning?
Does she drink every day? If so, I would put money on that being the root of both her inertia and her outbursts.
It addles the brain. Trust me, I know.

00100001 · 03/09/2015 07:21

how come you haven't left yet OP?

Can you not move you and your kids even temporarily to your parents/Brother/sister?

CharlotteCollins · 03/09/2015 07:44

So your worries are about contact and finances.

Start getting answers. See a solicitor, work out a budget. Don't worry about how she will live, just consider if you can make ends meet. Much better to be poorer but live in peace. Much happier childhood that way.

SomeonesRealName · 03/09/2015 07:53

Hmm I've posted a lot about my abusive ex and I'm sure I've never mentioned how 'heartbreaking' it all was - because it was way beyond that. There is no right way or wrong way for a victim to post as a pp has said. If you don't believe the OP just don't reply.

OP I'm sorry you find yourself in this position and I'm glad you've found mumsnet. You need to teach your children that it's not OK to put up with abuse just because it's OK sometimes - that's an important lesson for them to learn, particularly as you have unintentionally been modelling the opposite. See a solicitor and find out where you stand legally. As pp have said, start to gather the evidence you need to make a case for custody of the children. Get counselling for yourself to help you see the situation more clearly. And keep posting for support as the advice on here is excellent.

Louise43210 · 03/09/2015 08:04

Please don't let your 11 year old's reaction alter your plans to separate - the child may be worrying about being left with the mum.

Louise43210 · 03/09/2015 08:36

Do you speak to the children about how they feel?

AlwaysOutnumberdNeverOutgunned · 03/09/2015 10:39

Sorry, history of classic Lundy Bancroft gaslighting techniques is clouding my judgement. Good luck OP, I hope your children stay safe.

SolidGoldBrass · 03/09/2015 23:04

You say you were warned before you married her - who warned you? And had your wife never displayed any bullying behaviour before the wedding, or had it just been one or two incidents that she apologised for and promised to change? For you to stay in the relationship long enough to agree to marry her, she must have been able to be nice a lot of the time - abusers are never horrible constantly, otherwise partners would never agree to marry them in the first place.

Toadinthehole · 16/09/2015 01:07

What difference does that make?

BoneyBackJefferson · 16/09/2015 07:13

Interestingly the answer to the questions like "why haven't you left" etc. are simple

Because he is being abused and has little or no self-esteem. The same as if he was a she.

SubUrbaneFox · 16/09/2015 17:51

yes, it's hard to get away. I spent years making lists in my head. Eventually having been miserable for so long, you become paralysed. I advise OP to just do it, go and stay with friends. Then sort out the rest later. Go to a solicitor and argue your case to be as involved as possible. Never stay for the kids.

Fairenuff · 20/09/2015 11:54

OP you need to be more proactive. If I were you, I would call social services and tell them what you've told us. Your children are suffering, they need help and they need it now.

TheOneTimeShadow · 27/09/2015 08:01

Been there and came through it. It's not easy but you can do it!

Spiderman1999 · 19/10/2015 23:43

OP, Reading through what you have described sounds awful, how can you possibly cope yourself with that sort of abuse day in day out? Do you think your wife may have a mental health issue, I note you mentioned about alcohol? Is that a problem do you think? As another poster stated above, you mentioned she doesn't drink in the morning, so does she drink in the afternoon every day? As 'shockers' said the drinking could be what's causing all these problems as it messes with the brain. You haven't been on for a few weeks so just wondering if anything has changed since you last posted, you said you had started to make changes. It must be very hard being blamed for everything that goes wrong in the house or with your children, do the children make any comments regarding her behaviour towards them or you?
I'm very lucky as I have a very supportive wife and don't know what I would do without her, don't get me wrong she has her 'off' days just like the rest of us but when your wife is having more off days than ok/non stressful days then it has to be addressed, I hope you have managed to get some support for you and her, if that's what she wants and you of course. If you have decided to move on I hope your children are safe and well but if you have decided to stay with your wife I truly hope you have pursuaded her to get the help she clearly needs. I wouldn't wish this situation on anyone, the way you have described her makes me wonder what she was like before you got married, did she suddenly change or was she like that beforehand? Did she or has she done any housework or looked after the children? It's a sad state of affairs. Good luck

Buttercup443 · 16/11/2015 10:18

Hi, a mum here.

Sorry you are in this position OP.

I think you received lots of sensible advice.

Your wife sounds like she is depressed or has anxiety. A friend of mine was like this. Jealous of husband, feeling trapped, disproportionate screaming at kids and her dh. She has been prescribed escitalopram and has changed back to the girl I knew. She is calm, has more bandwidth, happier and gentle. It's like a switch had been flipped.

I would echo what others said and document her behaviour and what she does. Then maybe speak to CAB or a solicitor to advise you. Please, please look after your dc, those poor things growing up with a harridan!

Good luck!

Original poster

GotABitTricky · 04/01/2016 22:52

Quick update.....

I survived Xmas. The few months before it was ME who was sent to Docs to get anti depression tabs and to get my mental health issues sorted
(point being most replies on here suggested it was wife who had issues)

Still moaned at, and kids get shouted on daily, and big rammy with kids each night ( I can't be in 2 places at once so she needs try put one kid to bed, and yells for an hour battling with kid every single night)

I was warned by friends before wedding she was a loose cannon but I never believed them.
Now I feel entirely trapped in current situation.

OP posts:

Travelledtheworld · 07/02/2016 23:07

Gotabit have you made any progress with either consulting a solicitor or formulating an exit plan ?

NotTheSpiceOfLife · 07/02/2016 23:15

Why are you still there? There has to be a change, or this will continue for ever.

Tableandchairs1234 · 07/02/2016 23:17

Blimey. I was hoping this would be updated with some news about leaving. What a mess op

Original poster

GotABitTricky · 14/02/2016 09:52

Edit plan in my head,
but still seems a long battle ahead.

OP posts:

fastdaytears · 14/02/2016 10:03

You're not trapped though. It feels like that I'm sure but you're not.

What do you want for your children?

Tableandchairs1234 · 14/02/2016 10:55

Has something happened?

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