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Original poster

Dread going home to moany shouting wife?

123 replies

GotABitTricky · 05/07/2015 14:53

Walk in the door to verbal abuse. Told by wife to get out, so as too tired to argue, turned and went back out house.

I will return home in an hour after going to supermarket, and I feel sorry for kids having to put up with her moods and lazy mess.

Anyone else have to put up with this?
I would divorce if we could afford 2 small houses but can't.

OP posts:
WhatwouldGemmado · 03/08/2015 23:57

I once knew a guy in more or less your position. Eventually his not so DW was removed from the house by the police, such was the violence involved.
He ended up with residency. Wife got (justified) v limited and supervised contact.

WhatwouldGemmado · 03/08/2015 23:58

Point was, the kids were then protected.

CantAffordtoLive · 04/08/2015 03:49

I have nothing to add to all the good advice apart from definitely keep records and record the abuse and shouting.

I understand how awful it is to live like that. My ExH was prone to shouting until he got his own way but I doubt he was as bad as your wife.

Definitely go and see a solicitor and the CAB. Having information will help you find a way forward.

CantAffordtoLive · 04/08/2015 03:50

It might not be necessary to film her, probably recording her would be enough and she would not be aware of that.

I am not sure if filming her against her wishes might be seen to be provoking her?

toastyarmadillo · 04/08/2015 05:21

My advice remains the same regardless of the gender of OP, get your affairs in order, collect relevant paperwork, log abuse with police, consider contacting SS to support your application for sole custody. DC are old enough to be interviewed by the courts etc which is definately worth while if they admit she scares them. Her behaviour is disgraceful. LTB, take the kids get a bloody good solicitor. No child should grow up living like this, and no adult should tolerate physical or mental abuse from anyone. Hugs x

LiverMummy25 · 04/08/2015 05:54

I have depression and very little energy most of the time but when i do get up i tidy flat and cook meals from scratch for the fiancé.

I t sounds as though she isn't helping out with anything at all and refusing to go to doctors suggests to me that she doesn't have depression and just cant be bothered making an effort. Maybe she has something on her mind but she should not be swearing in front of the kids and getting irate with them.

It does sound like you should leave as soon as you can it cant be healthy for you.

Original poster
GotABitTricky · 14/08/2015 22:20

True, she doesn't have depression, just cant be bothered making an effort.
Always my fault though :-)
Ever this morning when I was awoken to her shouting and ranting downstairs, somehow it's my fault.
I know we ought leave. Feel trapped.

OP posts:
Cynara · 15/08/2015 09:13

You could start to look into your options, arm yourself with the facts of what you can do to get out, and then you might feel more confident about making the decision to go. She doesn't need to know you're preparing to leave.

Do you have family nearby? Is there anyone who could support you in RL?

ginnybag · 21/08/2015 18:13

OP, your wife was my mother.

She behaved exactly as you are describing for all my childhood, and still does. First, my dad was at fault, then my stepdad, then her boyfriend....

She's spent her life blaming everyone else for everything, and destroying the men unfortunate enough to love her, with her kids in the middle....

Screw why, screw what she wants.... She's abusing you and your children and you don't and shouldn't stand it. Get advice, take your kids and get out. I promise that they'll thank you for it one day.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 22/08/2015 23:10

I'm sorry it sounds awful and you sound grpund down and hopeless.

You've got to go, and with the children (or she goes). You've got to do what's right for the children, and they are getting damaged by being trapped in this situation. I know it's hard, but if she's not going to put her children first, then there's no one else to protect them except you...

partialderivative · 26/08/2015 16:26

Is she sober when she rants?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 26/08/2015 16:31

This sounds odd behaviour - is she never calm?
What is she like at work, do you know? Is she a completely rational sane human there?
I can't help thinking there might be mental health issues at play here, but then if the roles were reversed, I wouldn't think that, I'd just think "abusive wanker", so who knows.

What do you think, Gotabit - do you think she might have some mental health problems? Or does she just hate being at home with you and the kids? (NOT blaming you, it's her problem, clearly!)

Does she drink? Take anything that you are aware of?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 26/08/2015 16:36

But I agree with the others that this is no environment for your children to grow up in, poor things. How terrible to be scared of their own mother :(

I think you should go and see a solicitor, to see what your position is likely to be if you do leave with the children. I can't see them wanting to stay with their mother, and I think they're old enough to have their wishes taken into account.

Original poster
GotABitTricky · 26/08/2015 17:00

She drinks, but NOT early in day so that NOT a factor here.
Fine at work, and holds a decent role and does it well.
Has no close friends though, as attitude has driven everyone away.

I not posted for a week as was a BIG incident last week with external agencies at house. Sorry to be vague, but will help in any case I have in the future. Her fault.

Mental health a few said. I think so, but years ago when tried to address it was always someone else's fault, so docs and councellors said they could go no further unless she opened up and stopped blaming.

OP posts:
Jux · 26/08/2015 17:48

Get your ducks in a row. Keep filming and then transfer to flash drive and keep safe.

Is there a safe place that you can go with the children, like your parents' house, if you need to get out in a hurry?

I am very concerned that she has become violent. I don't know how safe you, and particularly the children, are.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 26/08/2015 17:52

Sounds like things are escalating then, GotABit - and that a change may be pushed upon you. So again I strongly recommend you see a solicitor to get advice on your position, and what you can expect to happen, what you can hope for.

As an aside though, drinking might still be a factor; if she drinks a lot in the afternoon/evening/night, she may well be hungover in the morning, which would make her bad tempered anyway; if she has MH issues then she may be self-medicating with alcohol because quite often people with MH issues who refuse to seek medical help do that.

Or she could just be a mean bitch who really thinks that she's the only one in the right and everyone else is the problem.

I hope you and the children can find a way out of this.

Gymbunny1204 · 26/08/2015 17:53

Probably stupid idea but if you can't make her go can you take the kids and go to a premier inn type place until you can find somewhere to rent?

She is abusing you and you are scared so imagine how the children feel who have no control. You're the adult. You could leave tonight.

AugustDay · 26/08/2015 18:02

What a sad situation. Have you got any family or friends about for some support?

It does sound like a LTB situation. Sad.

I feel so sorry for your kids.

Nonnainglese · 26/08/2015 18:20

It's an appalling situation, is there any way she could be persuaded to leave the house? Is an exclusion order an option?
As much as I feel sorry for the op, those poor children must be terrified of her.
I was frightened of my mother; even 40+ years later I still have an uneasy relationship with her Sad

MiscellaneousAssortment · 26/08/2015 22:44

You sound very detached in your posts - I'm wondering if it's the way you cope?

If so I totally get it, but this particular coping mechanism can work out badly for you and worse for your children... If you emotionally/ mentally 'check out' of the situation, it's easier for you to stay in the situation, or to just give up and let it wash over you.

Trouble is your children can't do that, they're not old enough to protect themselves, and they need their daddy to change their daily lives - urgently by he sounds of it.

They don't have anyone else who can help them, I'm sure it all feels utterly overwhelming, but you can change things, for you and for them.

They can't help themselves, they need you to...

BastardGoDarkly · 26/08/2015 23:00

Oh op, this is awful do you have any family around to help you through this?

BastardGoDarkly · 26/08/2015 23:02

I'm wondering if the neighbours phoned the external agencies. If so, they've probably done you and especially the children a massive favour.

They must have had such a miserable summer holiday.

You can do this op, we will help you where ever we can Flowers

Original poster
GotABitTricky · 29/08/2015 21:56

Yet another drama tonight. All my fault, she says. When she storms off downstairs after 90 mins of ranting, I manage to calm both kids and get them to sleep within 10 mins.

Compare and contrast her "input" and it is quite obvious where the problem is.
Only thinking keeping me from walking out with kids is financial reasons.

My first thought when I wake too early every morning is to look for an email "news about your lottery ticket".....

OP posts:
Aqualady · 29/08/2015 22:09

She sounds very angry and can't control her emotions. My mother was like this and every one was scared of her in the house. I'm NC with her now And v low contact with my dad as he should have shielded is from her

It really is not healthy for you kids to be living like this. They will grow up thinking this is what you do in relationships - I did.

She is either abusive or she isn't. If she is you need to act on it for your kids sake.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 30/08/2015 00:04

I continue to be concerned about your reactions to this, or non reaction... I'm hoping its a posting style rather than a reflection of your state of mind.

If not, you sound paralysed with fear/ inertia/ disbelief, and that is not good. For you but also for your children.

What are you hoping will happen?

That your wife will suddenly change if you carry on doing nothing/ the same old stuff (?), and your children will miraculously be able to recover from the trauma and come out unscathed from the damage being inflicted on them, and you, err, what? Do you forgive her abuse and just swallow the events of the next few months? Where are you in all this?

Abise can take away self esteem and the belief that you can do anything without the abuser agreeing/ permitting... And it can seem like the only way out is to placate or try and get the abuser to see reason and change the situation themselves.

Trouble is, this doesn't happen.

What do you need to get out of this inertia? And to step in to protect your children? What are the steps that will help you to unstick yourself? What's stopping you?

Can you engage with that rather than getting stuck / drowned by each incident - that way won't help you or your children get out and into a safe place away from this awful enviroment.

Bottom line is, you can't make her change, and its futile to expect her to resolve the situation. You can only control your own actions and reactions.

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