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Original poster

Dread going home to moany shouting wife?

123 replies

GotABitTricky · 05/07/2015 14:53

Walk in the door to verbal abuse. Told by wife to get out, so as too tired to argue, turned and went back out house.

I will return home in an hour after going to supermarket, and I feel sorry for kids having to put up with her moods and lazy mess.

Anyone else have to put up with this?
I would divorce if we could afford 2 small houses but can't.

OP posts:
lorelei9 · 30/08/2015 10:52

My guess is that the OP writes this way because he has to remain calm and disengaged in order to function and get all the things done that need to be done.

OP, I am so sorry. I am wondering how you can access help. It sounds to me as if you could do with some counselling to help you leave.

There must be a way to sort out the financials. I know it's not ideal but I know people in 1 beds who have their children sleep in the lounge every other weekend - your wife, assuming she got access for those alternate weekends, could live in a flat and do that?

You are being subjected to some really awful stuff as well as your children. I realise it's a shock and there's an element of being paralysed by not knowing what to do - probably more so because screaming is not black and white - but I think you need to get out before she hits you or the children.

Theydontknowweknowtheyknow · 02/09/2015 09:30

Have you discussed divorce with her and what would happen to the children?

ThatsNotMyRabbit · 02/09/2015 09:57

Cynara has hit the nail on the head.

A woman posting this would be met with a barrage of "LTB" type posts. In fact she might well be berated for not having already left, on the grounds that her children are suffering.

However, a MAN posts and suddenly it's different FFS.

"She must be so unhappy" oh DIDDUMS! When did we last see a post like that when it's a man being deeply unpleasant and physically abusive?! This woman has HIT the OP. Yet it's all about how unhappy the wife is. Jesus.

LoveChickens · 02/09/2015 09:59

Can't believe this is still going on. I really feel for you. I think it's time you started to be proactive and make some steps for yourself and your children to leave?

MyFavouriteClintonisGeorge · 02/09/2015 11:40

Look, she is emotionally abusing you and the children. Get in first with SS and tell them your concerns, ask for support. With any luck that will happen anyway if external agencies are now involved. Good luck with it all.

shiteforbrains · 02/09/2015 16:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Solopower1 · 02/09/2015 19:19

What a horrible situation to be in. Some good advice on here. I agree that doing nothing does not appear to be an option. Is there someone who can help you (parents? sister/brother?)?

I really hope you find a way to improve things, for all of your sakes.

UrbaneFox · 02/09/2015 21:00

I'm a big believer in splitting up. There is too much pressure to stay together. I knew I'd be financially screwed if I left my x as we weren't married, I left with two dependants, no money, no nothing, after having spent about 8 years being his slave, but splitting up was the best thing ever. I regret the years of misery I spent with him.

You say you can't afford two houses. Maybe you could relocate to a different area? If you offered to release her from the unhappy marriage by moving from one house to two cheaper flats in a cheaper part of the UK, perhaps she would seize the chance. Powerlessness to change your life can make a person so miserable.

I know I challenged my x because first I asked nicely that he compromise. Then I put forward a strong case that he compromise. Then I pleaded. He never ever met me in the middle and I felt so powerless. So the only 'power' I had was to 'go on about it' all the time. I felt like, no way was he going to get his own way and then enjoy my submission. He got his own way about everything all the time of course, but he didn't come home to happy families pretending to be happy. If we weren't a real equal partnership then I wasn't going to pretend to be happy. It sounds petty when I type it but I'm glad I didn't just pretend to be happy.

UrbaneFox · 02/09/2015 21:06

My x used to do that to me. Rant for hours. It made no difference if I argue back, stayed quiet, defended myself.... the rants just went on and on. Such a nightmare. BUT, astonishingly, now that we have split up, I think (?) he is ok to the children. It was me he hated Confused

If you were a woman I'd say split up. You're a man and I'm going to say split up. People revere marriages as though they were protection from unhappiness. They aren't.

PacificDogwood · 02/09/2015 21:11

Good grief, man, woman, animal, vegetable, mineral - it makes no difference to the damage done to children exposed to this kind of repeated verbal abuse Shock

You seem to see that there is a problem - does she?!
Are you able to communicate about what's happened when she is calm and collected?

If not, I don't see how you can have a future as a couple. And your children deserve to grow up without this kind of climate and role-modelling around them.

Lweji · 02/09/2015 21:24

I see that this has been going on for a while now.

You can record the ongoing abuse, talk to the gp, get testimonies from your neighbours, and as for a no contact order, so she would have to leave and have no contact with you.
I'm sure there's a charity for abused men, but NCDV should help you regarding the legal side.

Check out the financial support you might get, but you will have to think of the children as well as yourself. If there is concern about their safety, then she could have supervised contact.

If there is a physical cause for her abuse (say PMS), then she should seek help. Not going on like this.

winkywinkola · 02/09/2015 21:34

She rants for 90 mins? Every day?

I can't believe you can carry on day after day like this.

Does she never show the children affection at all ever?

Was there a point when her behaviour changed?

Would she consider anti depressants?

Are you certain she would even want custody of the dcs if you split?

Have you talked about divorce with her?

Scobberlotcher · 02/09/2015 21:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
GotABitTricky · 02/09/2015 22:11

Thanks for comments. OP here.
I said today I wanted divorce. response is more ranting.
Does not rant every single day, but everything is always my fault, even if I was sleeping when it kicked off downstairs, it's still my fault when I come down to calm things down.

My 11 year overheard about maybe splitting and took it badly. He says we are ok sometimes. So more doubt in my mind now.

I agree with most of replies. I know what I ought do, but the reality is tough to start.
I simply would not wish my kids to be left alone with their Mum half the week. She is genuinely hopeless at every basic task. Don't mean to be nasty, but she appears unable to do utter basics .

Today I began small steps to a change. Think could be a long road to escape this, but I have set the wheels in motion. Don't want to post specific details, but i happy to reply to private messages.

OP posts:
YonicScrewdriver · 02/09/2015 22:22

Rabbit, the significant majority of posts have been LTB.

OP, good luck and speaking to solicitor is good next step. If she is genuinely incapable of basic tasks (surely she cared for herself before you met, have things changed ?) then that should be taken into account for the children's well being.

UrbaneFox · 02/09/2015 22:28

Change is so scary. It's what made me stay for as long as I did. Adults know that change brings the possibility or the likelihood of things getting better and we're still change-avoidant!

children want to believe you that it's for the best but they've a strong fear that change could actually make things worse. So reassure them that you're as certain as you can possibly be that eventually things will be better and calmer.

Follow through with the divorce.

winkywinkola · 02/09/2015 22:38

What do you mean, she can't do the basics? She can't do them at all, like load a dishwasher or hang out washing or clean the dcs teeth? Or she can't do them without the bad language or anger?

winkywinkola · 02/09/2015 22:40

Have you ever said to her, "If you're so unhappy, why don't just leave?"

I would leave with the dcs one day.

DragonsCanHop · 02/09/2015 23:06

I really feel for you. There is help out there for you, you could go to your gp or contact www.mensaid.co.uk if the police have had previous involvement you can contact their domestic abuse unit.

Keep a diary of events, even if it is just here. Does she use MN? There is somewhere here you can go that isn't searchable, feel free to pm for more info.

I think you already know it but you really do need to make a move in protecting your children further.

NewLife4Me · 02/09/2015 23:18

This is abuse and she needs to stop.
Whether this is counselling or you reporting her behaviour. It isn't fair on the kids, they deserve better, you deserve better.

DragonsCanHop · 02/09/2015 23:33

And fwiw you sound like an amazing dad, your DC Re lucky to have you. Do you have any RL support yourself?

AlwaysOutnumberdNeverOutgunned · 02/09/2015 23:37

Something sounds a bit off here, op I see no emotion in your posts and you say she is useless and you cannot think of anything she is good at. These are things an abuser would say because there is no person on the planet who is all useless.

Her behaviour sounds abusive from what you are saying but you do not sound like the usual abuse victim. That may be a coping mechanism (and obviously sorry if you are that badly traumatised) or it may mean there is more to the story. If you are as concerned for your children and as worried as you say then get help.

Why are you with her? How were things to begin with and when did that change?

Yes, if you were a woman posting you may have had a different response but you would likely also have included a lot about what went wrong and how heartbreaking it all is. You sound cold.

It just makes me feel there is more to this, but believe me I hope you find the strength to do what is best for your children.

winkywinkola · 03/09/2015 00:28

How is she useless exactly?

Original poster
GotABitTricky · 03/09/2015 06:42

Yes, she can't load a dishwasher - the plates have sat for days and she maybe thinks they clean themselves. Never hung out washing or cleaned the dcs teeth. Kids run rings round her and won't eat breakfast or get dressed until I am there. Many examples but sound petty typing them.

When she is out, house is calm and runs smoothly and happy.

I was warned before wedding she was a nutter, but this was hidden from me.
She won't ever go to a GP, as insists it's me who depressed. Only when she is around.

OP posts:
YonicScrewdriver · 03/09/2015 06:47

Tricky, I'm certain she can load a dishwasher, but she is choosing not to do so. Which of course is very unfair of her.