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Original poster

Opinions on marital duties

51 replies

GusFringsGString · 30/09/2013 12:51

Hi,
This is a really tricky question to ask with coming across as a real twat. Anyway I was just interested in seeing the general opinions on marital duties in the bedroom. I 've been conditioned into believing (not sure on this one) believe that no partner should accept the idea of marital duties as sexual contact should always be between two fully consenting adults.
Any thoughts appreciated, happy to take abuse if appropriate.

OP posts:

mrsmindcontrol · 30/09/2013 12:54

Eh?? WHAT????

YoniMatopoeia · 30/09/2013 12:55

Nobody should be having sex unless they want to. It should not be done out I'd duty.

Is that what you are asking?

mrsmindcontrol · 30/09/2013 12:56

Are you suggesting there's an implication that either party to a marriage ought to 'perform' against their wishes due to a hypothetical marital contract?

I have a good idea of what answers you'll get here.....

AgathaF · 30/09/2013 12:56

By "marital duty" I assume you mean sex? A duty implies something that is not enjoyed.

Why are you asking?

treaclesoda · 30/09/2013 12:56

You've been conditioned into accepting that sexual contact should always be between two fully consenting adults? Aw, poor you, you must be so downtrodden to have to accept the idea that both parties should consent.

SweetTeaVodka · 30/09/2013 14:50

What treacle said.

Can't quite fathom why you saw fit to post this, OP. What responses are you hoping for, exactly? For what it's worth, I don't recall any mention of sexual activity being mentioned or implied in my marriage vows, so as far as I'm concerned there's no 'contract' there.

CatsAreLikeChocolates · 30/09/2013 14:52

You're right it must be a tricky question...

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 30/09/2013 15:01

Surely if it isn't consented to its rape? M or f?

Onesleeptillwembley · 30/09/2013 15:04

I made my ex make the bed even if he didn't feel like it, if it needed doing and I was busy and he wasn't. Is that what you mean?

AgathaF · 30/09/2013 15:29

Are you going to come back and talk then?

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 30/09/2013 19:24

Op? Come on. What's prompted this?

TweenageAngst · 30/09/2013 19:29

Fuck it this the 1950's- Marital DUTIES! I don't fee duty bound to do anything, it is a partnership.

IslandMoose · 02/10/2013 15:32

One spouse cannot compel the other spouse to take part in sexual activity - to do so would be either rape or indecent assault (depending on the nature of the act involved).

If the absence of sexual activity in a marriage (or other relationship for that matter) is an issue, the recourse of the partner for whom it is a problem is to leave the marriage/relationship.

delasi · 05/10/2013 09:52

R v R

blueshoes · 05/10/2013 10:39

OP: "I 've been conditioned into believing (not sure on this one) believe that no partner should accept the idea of marital duties as sexual contact should always be between two fully consenting adults."

What does this even mean? Not sure what your question is.

AKissIsNotAContract · 05/10/2013 10:42

'Marital duties' makes fucking sound so boring. No wonder you're not getting any.

eurochick · 05/10/2013 10:50

No consent=rape, regardless of marital status. It really isn't complicated.

MarianneEnjolras · 05/10/2013 10:58

So you think that marriage means no consent is required? Have you just fallen out of a time machine or something?

AKissIsNotAContract · 05/10/2013 12:57

Sadly you'd only have to go back to 1990 for that to be the case :(

Toadinthehole · 06/10/2013 01:59

Whoa there everyone. The OP has conflated "consent" and "duty".

Sex without consent (and without reasonable grounds to believe that consent was given) is rape. Marriage no longer has any bearing on this.

As for 'marital duties', George Orwell puts it better than I possibly could:

..Yet he could have endured living with her if it had not been for just one thing - sex.

As soon as he touched her she seemed to wince and stiffen. To embrace her was like embracing a jointed wooden image. And what was strange was that even when she was clasping him against her he had the feeling that she was simultaneously pushing him away with all her strength.... She would lie there with shut eyes, neither resisting nor co-operating but submitting.

and

She had two names for it. One was 'making a baby', and the other was 'our duty to the Party' (yes, she had actually used that phrase). Quite soo he grew to have a positive dread when the appointed day came round. But luckily no child appeared, and in the end she agreed to give up trying, and soon afterwards they parted..

What Orwell is describing is not rape, but hardly the foundation block of a relationship either.

DebrisSlide · 06/10/2013 02:29

Can you answer why any man would bring himself to fuck a woman in that scenario? I've never asked anyone before, but since you posted that as a justification to the marital duties thing, I am guessing that you are OK with it, even if it is not a "foundation block of a relationship".

There's an interesting thread in FWR about consent, btw.

Toadinthehole · 06/10/2013 08:52

OK with it in what sense?

I guess the obvious answer to your first question is when you have to sleep in a room with a gigantic, monitored two-way telescreen, and are expected to produce offspring for the Party.

Original poster

GusFringsGString · 07/10/2013 08:09

Poorly phrased question and I'm still not sure what I meant. Still t prompted some debate.
Obviously there has to be consent.
I have done things for my wife even though I've not particularly been in the mood and have not been wanting anything out of it. She's told me that she'd struggle to sleep if she didn't have me to satisfy her. I've not previously had a problem with it and always thought it was other people's problem if they thought that was a bad thing. It seems to be the consensus on Mumsnet that it's a) symptom of a flaw in someone's sex life and b) walking a thin line around rape. That is where the comment about conditioning came from. I've been happy to help and pleased that she needs me to satisfy her fully.
Recently though the shoe has been on the other foot. I'm acutely aware of putting pressure on her to do things she's not in the mood for. I don't want to guilt her into anything despite feeling very sexually frustrated atm.
I haven't found the militant woman's point of view particularly helpful and hence was looking for a more male perspective (I.e hoping the more militant woman were occupied elsewhere).
Anyway thanks everyone for the comments. They were still useful.

OP posts:

Keepithidden · 07/10/2013 14:31

Hello Gus, I think you probably did word it badly, I had to reread it a couple of times before it made sense and I think if you'd avoided the crossed out bit then you wouldn't have had so many people jumping down your throat!

Still, you live and learn and your follow up post seems a bit easier to understand.

I've always thought it was a "bad thing" to engage in sex with someone who didn't want it, but there seems to be a third tranche of people who want to please their partners, while still not necessarily wanting the full sexual experience themselves. (I'm guessing in your case). It sounds like that works okay for you when your pleasing your wife. But you're reluctant to suggest something similar when it's the other way round? I completely understand and personally wouldn't suggest it for fear of pressurising/guilt tripping/bordering into pity/duty sex (voluntary rape)....

...unfortunately I have a few hang ups about sex and personal validation so my opinion is probably not that useful! Sorry. Thought you may like to know that you're not alone though.

It could be worth speaking to your wife about it, assuming communication is good enough in your marriage for her not to take offence/blame.

Original poster

GusFringsGString · 07/10/2013 16:58

Thanks Keepithidden. It's helpful to know I'm not alone.
It's also been helpful putting my thoughts down. It's taken a few attempts to get there.
It's not something I want to raise especially with my wife right now because I know it would feel like pressure. At best it would piss her off. At worst I'm into realms of guilt /rape/etc.
But at the same time I have to be honest that I am starting to feel a bit resentful. Generally our relationship is amazing, and that comes down to good communication. But at the moment I don't feel like I can communicate and therefore there's less prospect of things getting better.

OP posts:

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