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Original poster

sex drive supression

39 replies

NeverThoughIWouldAskThis · 11/10/2012 23:11

Name changed to protect...well me actually.

Since having children, DW has completely lost any interest in sex whatsoever. It's been a few years now, so we're not in the early stages of sheer exhastion etc. Everything is fine at home (as fine as it can be) but the sex issue keeps coming up. I love my wife dearly, and I don't want to pressure her so has anyone got any tips for supressing sex drive?

I've had enough army tea to last me a life-time, by the way so please - no more! I'm not interested in knocking out a few on my own when to mood takes but rather find some way of suppression so as to reduce a stress point in our relationship.

never thought that I would ask anyone for advice like that! :)

OP posts:

Avuncular · 01/12/2012 02:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Xenia · 01/12/2012 13:42

As someone else said if she knows it makes you unhappy why is she not prepared to do anything about it? That's very strange.
Why do you way you won't or can't masturbate. That's weird. Obviously you should do that.
Is she at home with children - that can put some people off sex, whereas if she went back to full time work, in work clothes, flirting at work ec etc she might feel more in the mood
Has either of you got fat? If both got slim and fit you might want each other more.
Do you put her in the mood properly?

blueshoes · 01/12/2012 14:56

She is not still breastfeeding, is she? I found bf-ing killed my sex drive and made sex uncomfortable (dry). But I still tried to have sex with dh, definitely not as often as he liked. He did 'knock out a few' but would wait until I was in bed with him.

Also, I preferred to have sex in the morning, and not at night when I was exhausted. We had the aupair take the dcs out in the weekend morning, for some privacy.

Now that both dcs are at school and I am back at work, my sex drive has returned, I am glad to say.

I think it is not on for your wives not to discuss it with you or offer some form of compromise. It is a breach of the marriage contract not to sort this out IMO, assuming there is nothing otherwise wrong in the relationship.

monsterchild · 01/12/2012 15:06

I agree that your DW needs to give you the same consideration you're giving her. She could at least help you knock some out, right? I mean, one partner stymied like this is bordering on abusive I think. Certainly it's a power play, and controlling.

Seekingthezone · 09/12/2012 01:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Avuncular · 12/12/2012 17:17

Reasonable grounds for divorce? What a pity!

Avuncular · 12/12/2012 17:21

Seekingthezone I have another more hopeful suggestion if you contact me privately.

Seekingthezone · 15/12/2012 01:12

Yes I you are probably right. It simply is not reasonable to use sex as a weapon like that and to not even be prepared to discuss issues that are at the very epicentre of a relationship.

SantasBigBaubles · 15/12/2012 01:43

I could not be in a marriage that had no sex and there wasn't a medical reason for it and the other person wasn't willing to at least speak to a doctor. I also wouldn't want the other person to perform for me. Are you sure everything is is ok at home

Seekingthezone · 15/12/2012 04:05

On one level things are Ok. We work, look after the DC and do things as a family. On another though it does not work as there is virtually no rapport between the adults. Life becomes purely functional and is the poorer for it. Shared warmth, affection and love including physical expressions of that is the most wonderful thing between two people. when it goes for whatever reason it is extremely sad.

Were there no DC life would be very simple - split. However with them it is very different and often one's own needs take a secondary position. So to force a split because I am not getting what I would like from the marriage would be extremely selfish, especially as I know what devastation such a split would inflict on DC. Yet it gets harder the longer it goes on. The sense of isolation grows. Anger and resentment also pop-up

DW does not feel the need for the sex and so has no problem with the status quo as far as I can see. In fact as things have deteriorated it has become more favorable to her as I no longer even seek intimacy.

CheerfulYank · 15/12/2012 04:17

I definitely would not be okay with it if my DH decided he didn't want sex anymore, ever!

I would try talking to her about it again, say it's really important and you'd like to speak to someone professionally about it.

Seekingthezone · 16/12/2012 18:26

CherfulYank, thanks. It has been reassuring to read this forum and realise that are women who still enjoy sex post DC. It am left feeling les of a sex pest which is the position I have been finding myself in. Especially as when I tried to raise the subject I was accused of permanently trying to discuss sex. It was never the right time to hold such conversations sadly and the right time has still not arisen several years after these conversations started.

Most recently I have been given the line that is the way she is. Period. when presented with that it is tough. My only way forward then within the conventional rules is to impose complete change - that is split and I really want to avoid that for the sake of the DC. So it sadly comes back to the how do you suppress or satisfy basic human needs for years until a split is feasible.

SantasBigBaubles · 16/12/2012 19:59

If she won't discuss it have you written a letter to her? For her to read in her own time?

Avuncular · 19/12/2012 17:55

Hey just found 'sex after marriage'; in the Relationships help section. It's got some tips relevant to previous points - and maybe some other threads too?

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