sex drive supression

[NeverThoughIWouldAskThis]

Name changed to protect...well me actually.

Since having children, DW has completely lost any interest in sex whatsoever. It's been a few years now, so we're not in the early stages of sheer exhastion etc. Everything is fine at home (as fine as it can be) but the sex issue keeps coming up. I love my wife dearly, and I don't want to pressure her so has anyone got any tips for supressing sex drive?

I've had enough army tea to last me a life-time, by the way so please - no more! I'm not interested in knocking out a few on my own when to mood takes but rather find some way of suppression so as to reduce a stress point in our relationship.

never thought that I would ask anyone for advice like that! :)

[Avuncular]

Hey just found 'sex after marriage'; in the Relationships help section. It's got some tips relevant to previous points - and maybe some other threads too?

[SantasBigBaubles]

If she won't discuss it have you written a letter to her? For her to read in her own time?

[Seekingthezone]

CherfulYank, thanks. It has been reassuring to read this forum and realise that are women who still enjoy sex post DC. It am left feeling les of a sex pest which is the position I have been finding myself in. Especially as when I tried to raise the subject I was accused of permanently trying to discuss sex. It was never the right time to hold such conversations sadly and the right time has still not arisen several years after these conversations started.

Most recently I have been given the line that is the way she is. Period. when presented with that it is tough. My only way forward then within the conventional rules is to impose complete change - that is split and I really want to avoid that for the sake of the DC. So it sadly comes back to the how do you suppress or satisfy basic human needs for years until a split is feasible.

[CheerfulYank]

I definitely would not be okay with it if my DH decided he didn't want sex anymore, ever!

I would try talking to her about it again, say it's really important and you'd like to speak to someone professionally about it.

[Seekingthezone]

On one level things are Ok. We work, look after the DC and do things as a family. On another though it does not work as there is virtually no rapport between the adults. Life becomes purely functional and is the poorer for it. Shared warmth, affection and love including physical expressions of that is the most wonderful thing between two people. when it goes for whatever reason it is extremely sad.

Were there no DC life would be very simple - split. However with them it is very different and often one's own needs take a secondary position. So to force a split because I am not getting what I would like from the marriage would be extremely selfish, especially as I know what devastation such a split would inflict on DC. Yet it gets harder the longer it goes on. The sense of isolation grows. Anger and resentment also pop-up

DW does not feel the need for the sex and so has no problem with the status quo as far as I can see. In fact as things have deteriorated it has become more favorable to her as I no longer even seek intimacy.

[SantasBigBaubles]

I could not be in a marriage that had no sex and there wasn't a medical reason for it and the other person wasn't willing to at least speak to a doctor. I also wouldn't want the other person to perform for me. Are you sure everything is is ok at home

[Seekingthezone]

Yes I you are probably right. It simply is not reasonable to use sex as a weapon like that and to not even be prepared to discuss issues that are at the very epicentre of a relationship.

[Avuncular]

Seekingthezone I have another more hopeful suggestion if you contact me privately.

[Avuncular]

Reasonable grounds for divorce? What a pity!

[monsterchild]

I agree that your DW needs to give you the same consideration you're giving her. She could at least help you knock some out, right? I mean, one partner stymied like this is bordering on abusive I think. Certainly it's a power play, and controlling.

[blueshoes]

She is not still breastfeeding, is she? I found bf-ing killed my sex drive and made sex uncomfortable (dry). But I still tried to have sex with dh, definitely not as often as he liked. He did 'knock out a few' but would wait until I was in bed with him.

Also, I preferred to have sex in the morning, and not at night when I was exhausted. We had the aupair take the dcs out in the weekend morning, for some privacy.

Now that both dcs are at school and I am back at work, my sex drive has returned, I am glad to say.

I think it is not on for your wives not to discuss it with you or offer some form of compromise. It is a breach of the marriage contract not to sort this out IMO, assuming there is nothing otherwise wrong in the relationship.

[Xenia]

1. As someone else said if she knows it makes you unhappy why is she not prepared to do anything about it? That's very strange.
   
2. Why do you way you won't or can't masturbate. That's weird. Obviously you should do that.
   
3. Is she at home with children - that can put some people off sex, whereas if she went back to full time work, in work clothes, flirting at work ec etc she might feel more in the mood
   
4. Has either of you got fat? If both got slim and fit you might want each other more.
   
5. Do you put her in the mood properly?

[Ninetails]

lol Mumofjz i have no given up i asked he if i could have some me time today she asked why so i told her I needed to knock one out (pardon my crudeness), but got told no i had to look after kids as she needed to relax on pc

[Mumofjz]

it can't be all that bad now - i would say

And having rested all day (as such) she's probably not that tired - you never know

If not, have a word with her (at some point) and explain how your feeling - good luck

[Ninetails]

I have tried early nights but that has not worked.dw has been off sick today with a headache so bad she felt sick but its nearly 11pm and she has been on the laptop all day, so am i bad for thinking it cant be all that bad.

[Mumofjz]

Ninetails - any chance she would be "up for it" prior to 10pm?

As a woman, i do have times in the month when the last thing i want to do is have sex, but then there are also times in same month where the DH is batting me away with a stick because he can't keep up :) - this is I think normal of both sexes, but I would be concerned if the lack of labido lasted more than a month with either parties and would want and seek advise from my doctor.

Your other halves seem to be burrying their head in the sand and not giving you a thought as to how this effects you. Like someone said up thread, surely there has got to be a compromise somewhere along the line, you want sex, she doesn't......where's the middle ground?

LordCharles, a friends hubby had that kind of pain after his op but everything i believe is now back to working order hope that's not too far off for you.

[Ninetails]

i started going on strike today, after the oldest asked me why mummy didn't kiss her good bye any more. last straw

[LordCharles]

Ninetails - similiar experience, except as well as looking after the kids and doing all the household jobs and the "bloke jobs", I am also working in a job at 50% hours.

OP - our sex life went down the pan as soon as the second child was born - so nearly five years ago.

Talk and talk and nothing changes, tell me about it, where does this bollocks come from that women are all emotionally intelligent?

I also made the mistake of having a vasectomy, thinking that might change things - it didn't and now I have a constant dull pain and am thinking I will never do things like running or gym work again - it's been 7 months and a course of strong antibiotics, but I am coming to the conclusion that I will just have to learn to live with the pain - not fun when the children are at crotch height and think nothing of running into you - I'm getting good at crotch defence now:).

Gents - my only solution was to get a hobby - something I regretted giving up when I was younger ........ and I went on strike. Only so much you can put up with watching a selfish, perma-nagging, emotionally retarded, whinging creep slowly growing obese watching the X Factor, whilst you sort out the childrens school kit and get some washing on ...... sod it.

So OP, stop being so "caring" - she clearly does not care about you or indeed her children and is emotionally selfish and immature ( they will be adults one day and they will work it out) - do something positive with your life, rather than looking back on wasted years.

[Ninetails]

i'm going though the sort of the same thing and its doing my head in. I stay at home and look after the kids and everything else and dw goes to work. We flirt allday though texts and when i pick her up from work, but as soon as it comes about 10 something happens she becomes sick, tired, or something has stressed her out. leaving me with so much testosterone running round my body i could take out mike tyson with my little finger which is not a good thing. We have talked and talked but nothing changes. I have tried to explain that a man cant just switch off his lustfull feelings with a click of his fingers. now my sleep is suffering because of thinking is there something wrong with me, is she having an affair allsorts of stupid things. I have even thought of going to a sex addicts group to see if they could work on lowering my urges.

[Peterpan101]

I had been in a very similar position to you Never. Arguing about it only made things worse as the rush of testosterone and adrenaline sent me crazy. Friends had told me to have a fling, but that just isn't me, etc, etc

I did find my sex drive drop considerably during her pregnancy, even though I found her so much more attractive. So there might be a natural solution within us?

I managed to convince myself (to some extent) that holding, cuddling and being intimate was all i needed, with a quick nip to the bathroom every now and again. It kept the lid on for a while for me.

But the underlying problem was the communication problem between us. Find out actually what she wants from you, talk to her about any animosity that she may be holding against you, change how you present yourself to her (in a good way of course).

As for any tips to reduce your sex drive......join a gym?.....start running?? Put your physical energy into some other aspect of your life??

[FastLoris]

I'm not interested in knocking out a few on my own when to mood takes

Why not?

That's the only long term solution really, and it is after all the real reason we evolved opposable thumbs.

You can get by like that, topped up with an occasional shag. (I personally think if two partners have mismatched libidos, and love each other and want each other to be happy, then the obvious solution is to compromise on some amount of sex in between what each other would ideally like; not to just default to the position of the lower-libido'd one so the other is completely miserable.)

SSRIs do lower your sex drive but they don't eradicate it, and I wouldn't want to be on them forever just for that.

[littlebubbalove]

I cant give you any advise but, a complement. You are very very thought full xx

[WorriedBetty]

Don't know if dark humour might make you feel better but try this vimeo.com/5545549