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Dadsnet

Speak to new fathers on our Dads forum.

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Original poster

Why don't men find.....................

30 replies

feedbackforfree · 19/02/2011 17:28

fat women attractive?

Hi Dadsnetters, hope you don't mind me asking this question in your section but I could do with some male specific external perspective on this. And I don't want you to hold back. I need to hear the truth!

I'm about 4 stone overweight - 5' 7" tall, I am told I am extremely pretty although I am getting older. I'm intelligent, good job, excellent sense of humour, warm personality, confident and good company to be with. I don't take myself too seriously and generally enjoy life. Two different male married friends have said that they are amazed I'm single and if they were not married, they would be interested. So, what's the problem? Are men really put off because I am overweight?

OP posts:

givemesomespace · 19/02/2011 19:27

The answer, rather boringly is, that some do and some don't. Some go crazy for the rounder lady.

I guess that some overweight women can be lacking in confidence and this can have a much bigger impact on their attractiveness. Confident ladies, like you, will always be attractive.

Also, some overweight ladies just assume that they have to hide as much as possible and end up wearing tents that will do nothing for them. Everyone, including the larger lady, looks better when well dressed/presented and playing to their strengths.

An intelligent, warm, confident lady like you will attract people.

On a seperate note, do you go for a specific type of bloke yourself? I ask because a couple of my single mates, one in particular who women fall over themselves to get at and is stereotypically "good looking" (bastard!), still struggle to meet the right people because they set riciculous (and I mean ridiculous) criteria about what boxes have to be ticked. They never get to know a vast swathe of potentially very suitable "candidates" and wonder why they dont meet anyone normal!

Hope I haven't said anything out of line.

HTH

Original poster

feedbackforfree · 19/02/2011 19:51

Hello givemesomespace and thanks for responding. I don't think I have a particular body type but I do tend toward arrogant, bad boys - which is probably where I go wrong! It's usually the edgy personality that I go for, irrespective of body type or looks.

You absolutely haven't said anything out of line at all - I asked for truth! Thanks very much.

OP posts:

givemesomespace · 19/02/2011 21:42

I guess arrogant bad boys will always be wanted - they come across as confident, therefore more atractive.
Maybe try some different types and see how you get on. I remember trying to find the right one and going for a beer with all sorts. Then I kinda got bored with it and as soon as I stopped looking, I met the now Mrs GMSS. Always the way.

Xenia · 19/02/2011 21:55

50% of those in the UK are overweight now and most of those manage to find someone although may be they were thin when they met their partner I suppose. Some men specifically want very large women. Just look around in places where the extra 4 stones is regarded as desirable. I suspect in general though most men ilke teh class page 3 size which is no way skinny, normal sort os size 10 with large breasts (and definitely not very very skinny).

eeore · 19/02/2011 22:39

It's probably not your size, it's probably your personality.

Original poster

feedbackforfree · 20/02/2011 08:55

Blimey eeore, that's worse! At least I could lose weight, can't do much about the essence of who I am!

OP posts:

GilbertsGrapes · 20/02/2011 09:02

FGS eeore, bit harsh that don't you think?

I agree with GMSS with regards to stop looking and your fella will find you. It's easier said than done mind, but it will happen, regardless of weight, looks, etc...

Original poster

feedbackforfree · 20/02/2011 09:20

Thank you GG! I haven't really been looking but have started and stopped seeing someone recently and it just made me wonder whether my weight was an issue for him. We split without explanation on his part and apart from him showing some subtle signs of being uncomfortable about his financial situation vs mine, I'm at a loss as to know why. Didn't bother me at all, I'm always interested in the person myself! This was a very early shoots of a relationship but to just cease contact with no explanation after pursuing me, I find really odd!

OP posts:

bruxeur · 20/02/2011 09:29

eeore makes a boorish, immature point that may regrettably have a grain of truth in it.

You seem to be assuming that it's your weight that makes you single - has anyone actually told you this?

Also - are you generally the dumper or the dumpee? Sounds silly I know, but I have friends who bemoan their singlehood but they keep blooding dumping people!

WRT original question - unless you're at the stage where you find the remote control when you go for a shower, it's doesn't really matter unless you're obviously unhappy in your skin.

Original poster

feedbackforfree · 20/02/2011 09:39

Hello Bruxeur, Thanks for contributing to this thread. A bit of a mix. I've done dumping and I have been dumped - not had loads of relationships though - two long and 3 or 4 shorter. (PS I have lost the remote control before but gladly down the back of the couch and not in a fold of flesh!)

OP posts:

eeore · 20/02/2011 12:42

bruxeur

"eeore makes a boorish, immature point that may regrettably have a grain of truth in it."

Hark at you!

The OP has said they go for bad boys, mentioned married men, how is it immature or boorish to point out that far from wanting to find a partner, they are looking for excuses for not having a partner and blaming their weight?

Original poster

feedbackforfree · 20/02/2011 13:33

Eeore - just for the record, I don't get involved with married men or those in relationships! But, maybe you have a point about looking for excuses.... I'll have to explore that possibility a little more so thanks for making raising it!

OP posts:

eeore · 20/02/2011 13:54

feedbackforfree

I wasn't saying you get involved with married men, just that you mentioned them as examples of men who said they would have you - for want of a better expression.

Also I don't think of being 4 stone overweight as particularly fat - unless you are say 4' 2". And I also don't think it is particularly useful to think as Xenia suggesting that men in general want size 10 women with big tits... that is what women want to believe men want based on the junk they read in women's magazines... ir is no accident that such publications are banned from psychiatric wards because they generate a negative self image.

I mentioned this thread to my missus and she pointed out that the relationship threads on Mumsnet are full of abusive relationships based on women failing to understand that bad boys are not great partners.

Quick tip, look for someone who shares your interests, is fun to be with and with whom you can talk. And go from there.

Oh and if you are looking for excuses focus on someting meaningless and external - like star sign compatibility.

alexsdad · 23/02/2011 12:46

Would you be put off by a man who is 4 stones overweight? Or more?

Would you be put off by a man who was bald?

You may not be, but others might - and it works the other way round.

One thing (to pick up on eeore's point) is that from the other threads on MN, it seems as if the bad boy types (desperately trying not to generalise) may also be the more narcissistic, and may be more drawn to a specific body type which they are looking at as an accessory rather than a person, if you see what I mean.... by definition, would you want to be with such a person?

I also suspect it depends a bit on age. When younger, I think we have a different set of 'standards' than we do as we age. Yes, it's shallow - but there you go. As we mature we get less so.

I would endorse the comments like that above - "look for someone who shares your interests, is fun to be with and with whom you can talk."

hymie · 23/02/2011 12:54

But back to the original point, the chubbier you get the smaller your potential pool of partners will be, male or female.

BooyFuckingHoo · 23/02/2011 12:57

stop generalising. it isn't all men. tehre are millions of men, so therefore, millins of preferences. maybe you are on;y surrounding yourself with one type of man.

textualhealing · 24/02/2011 08:08

Thanks Alexsdad, it's really good to know that the older I get I may have some succes because men will lower their standards!

Seriously contributors, I appreciate your points of view. I asked, so I can't balk at the responses!

CleverHans · 25/02/2011 16:49

Hi FBFF

Personally I don't find obesity attractive and being a stone and a half overweight myself (6'2) have to admit to being hypocritical. That said I guess being human means we don't always (or even often) make sense even to ourselves. A friend of mine positively adores larger women so as other contributors have mentioned, as men we do cater for all tastes.

You come across as intelligent and thoughtful in your writing, being willing to explore some tough feedback and ideas.

I'm wondering if perhaps as others have suggested you may be using weight as an explanation when its the decision making or selection of partners based on values that aren't working for you any more.

I guess what I am asking you to consider is this ... are you selecting for a partner based on values / criteria that were important to you in another (maybe younger) life ... and finding that these people may be "attractive" for an evening but less interesting in the long term. I wonder what set of criteria would a close friend (or sister / brother / mother / father) suggest to you as being suitable in a partner.

I never liked asparagus when I was growing up ... but man do I love it now!

TrillianAstra · 25/02/2011 16:51

I would find a man less attractive if he were 4 stone overweight.

TrillianAstra · 25/02/2011 16:53

The question makes a generalisation about men as if it is not true of women.

"Why don't men find fat women attractive?"

Some do, some don't, it's not true that all men only fancy slim women.
Finding "fat" people less attractive is by no means confined to men.

droves · 25/02/2011 17:05

Dh is 3& 1/2 stone heavier now , than he was when we met.
I admit to finding him less sexually attractive , although i still do fancy him.
If he lost weight , he'd be healthier , and would probably have more stamina .

Hes the same with me , ive put on 1 stone since having our twins. He still loves me, and tells me im " a babe" ( i know ). But he wishes i still had a bum like kylie. (not that i ever did lol )e

Thing is ,our relationship is so good otherwise , it doesnt really matter .

Xenia · 25/02/2011 17:11

I think when he's lost 2 of his three stone you can both then lose the last stone together

droves · 25/02/2011 17:35

lol Xenia . If only it was that simple.

Dh just loves to eat crap. Especially chocolate biscuits.

He avoids veg.
Think he needs to burn it off.

Xenia · 25/02/2011 17:38

And you said you were both happy so it's not a problem. I met someone rather fat last week and it did put me off, yes. It's different if you're married.

SilkySilky · 28/07/2011 23:21

Chubsters tend to have prettier faces and nicer skin. Better being 4 stone over than under , with no rack either then.

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