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Original poster

Married a farmer regret where I live now

96 replies

pontipinemum · 12/09/2024 16:44

Basically I am from a regional town
in Munster. I married a farmer in rural Leinster.

He is a wonderful man he truly is. I've had my MH issues and he has stood by me.

But I am starting to think maybe I am just really unhappy where I live. Well not starting to think it, I've thought it a long time. I've been here nearly 10 years and I still haven't 'settled in' I've made one friend recently which is helping.

Our parish is just a church, school and GAA pitch. Closest town is 5km away with a population around 1,000 unless you are into sport there is very Little to join.

I know it's not a big town I'm from but there is a lot more going on. My mam lives right in the centre of town and I can walk to the shops/ cafe no problem.

I don't know what to do. I don't actually want to leave my husband. But idk if I can spend the rest of my life like this.

The other post about the two farmer sons made me think we are very controlled by his parents not in a spiteful or mean way but they still own the Farm and make the vast majority of income from it even though DH does a lot of the work. Which then means he doesn't do paid work. He has a trade he dips in and out of.

We also live in the "old" farm house, now it's not bad the house is about 50yrs old and was kept in good condition but we're not really allowed make any changes. When I first moved up here we were supposed to build our own home but it was decided that wasn't needed. So we pay a "mortgage" to the ILs and DH will eventually inherit the main farm plus house. I realise now this has been a stupid financial decision on my behalf. We should have just bought a house ourselves and had an asset. As it stands I've nothing now.

We have two DS who are both very young. Could I even move them 3 hours away? Would a court make me bring them back. When I was suffering with MH problems I self medicated with alcohol, this is all recorded with the GP even though I haven't drank in over a year I'm guess that would not look good in my favour.

OP posts:
tractive · 12/09/2024 16:48

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

myflightiscancelled · 12/09/2024 16:52

I hope he is an only child with all these inheritance promises going on. A mortgage to the in-laws? Sounds like rent to me.

Do you work? Could you buy a place in town or somewhere a bit better and then he commutes to the farm?

poppyzbrite4 · 12/09/2024 16:53

Well you've given his way of life ten years and it's not working for you. If you laid it on the line, how would he react? Would he be willing to move with you?

You have no ties, no mortgage and the farm doesn't belong to you.

Original poster
pontipinemum · 12/09/2024 16:58

@tractive to do feel like I made my bed....

@myflightiscancelled I do work, currently on maternity leave. I don’t make enough to get a mortgage alone (with 2 dependants) I looked into it before. While they've gone up considerably since I moved here houses in town are still attainable for most people, but still about the 250k mark

No he has 2 siblings who will be "taken care of" and have zero interest in the farm. They have both already inherited 300k each from an uncle and my husband didn't, I think to do with him getting the farm

Ya it is basically rent. We have no agreement and this house will never be ours. It's going to one of the sibling

@poppyzbrite4 no I don't think for one second he would give up farming

OP posts:
MrsBobtonTrent · 12/09/2024 17:04

Sounds like indentured slavery tbh. Your DH can't go and earn an income and you have to pay for housing AND you are both denied other opportunities/gifts because you are possibly getting part of the farm one day. Would DH leave with you, or does he feel tied to the farm? Personally I would get out with or without him. And maybe if you left first, it would make it easier for him to do. Find a way - could you stay with your mum temporarily, then rent and work up to buying somewhere?

safetyfreak · 12/09/2024 17:05

Sounds like the siblings have a better deal, they had their inheritance and can live their lives they way they want. Your husband is tied to the farm or he loses his inheritance.

Also, he only gets assets when his parents pass away or agree to let him have the farm/house? your husband could be retired by that time, what a mess.

poppyzbrite4 · 12/09/2024 17:07

What I would do is sit down with him and lay it on the line and try to find a compromise. If he won't move away, would he be willing to move somewhere else where you'd have more of a chance at a life and commute to the farm?

If he won't compromise at all and is willing to lose his wife and children, then you don't have much choice. I certainly wouldn't stay.

confusedabouthormones · 12/09/2024 17:10

This reply has been withdrawn

Message withdrawn - identifying details

Original poster
pontipinemum · 12/09/2024 17:11

@MrsBobtonTrent I could stay with my mum. I really don't think he'd leave.

@safetyfreak his parents are in their 70 but going by their parents could live into their 90s. of course I don't want them to die so he inherits, but this situation doesn't work.

My biggest fear is that he would stop me taking the kids with me. He's a good father and would miss them terribly so I'm very sure he wouldn't be happy with every other weekend. Although in saying that he doesn't have the time to mind them as much as I do

OP posts:
Original poster
pontipinemum · 12/09/2024 17:13

@confusedabouthormones I will go to the mum group next week, I am only 6 weeks pp and couldn't drive. I think I'm too old at 35 for the young farmers association but I did join civil defence

OP posts:
Iloveshihtzus · 12/09/2024 17:14

Well you both need financial advice. Why are you living in the house and paying rent if you will not inherit it?

I have a family member who was in your situation, 35 years ago. Eventually her husband had a row with his dad and he left. His brother, who never worked the farm, inherited it when the dad died, and promptly sold it off!!! My cousin’s husband is still resentful, even though they moved to the UK and rebuilt their lives.

You only get 1life - don’t let it pass you by. Your MH difficulties are due to your situation, you will be happier if you leave this set up, either with or without your DH.

Mellowautumnmists · 12/09/2024 17:19

Have you thought about your own financial/housing position should your husband die before you and while his parents are still alive? And even should he die after they have.

Will you have any claim on any property in that event?

MissyB1 · 12/09/2024 17:21

You need to level with your dh and tell him the truth about how unhappy you are living there. If the marriage is to survive then together you need a plan of how to live elsewhere. He doesn't necessarily have to give up farming, the two of you need to explore ideas.

Els1e · 12/09/2024 17:22

Sounds tough. I would talk to your husband honestly about what's going through your mind at the moment. Not in a critical way but explaining the feeling of isolation, not financially secure, little options for activities outside. It maybe you can both come up with some sort of compromise ie buy a small property in your mum's town, so you've got somewhere to stay and make homely. Or come up with a business that would allow and encourage people to visit you. A b and b, tea and cakes for walkers, dog walking socials.

Original poster
pontipinemum · 12/09/2024 17:22

@Iloveshihtzus I think I was a lot more nieve when this all started. Having my Time again I'd have insisted we bought a house.

Even jointly we wouldn't get a house DH earns feck all on paper, due to capital allowances. He's bought a few tractors in the last few years to expand his subcontractor. Also paid for a huge shed on the farm which he has no legal ownership over.

I just don't see how I could get to leave and keep my children? Also I've a feeling the eldest once he could would be straight back to the farm he loves it

I do think a lot of my issues are due to being unhappy. I try not to compare my life to others. But it's hard not to. I wouldn't expect to right now but we have zero social life. We went to 1 wedding last year that was the only time we went out.

OP posts:
boulevardofbrokendreamss · 12/09/2024 17:23

I would be very very wary. You're paying rent to live there, you have no guarantee that the siblings aren't in the will, and your husband is working for free. Its untenable.

I'm not in Ireland but what happens if the in laws need to pay for care - will the farm need to be sold to fund it?

In the farm profitable?

Does your husband even want to be a farmer?

boulevardofbrokendreamss · 12/09/2024 17:24

Why did he pay for the shed??

Original poster
pontipinemum · 12/09/2024 17:25

Mellowautumnmists · 12/09/2024 17:19

Have you thought about your own financial/housing position should your husband die before you and while his parents are still alive? And even should he die after they have.

Will you have any claim on any property in that event?

I did think about it after dc 1 was born. I got dh to take out a life insurance policy. Even though he says "they wouldn't see me stuck"

They are lovely people, truly, but I guess you don't know what can happen over a decade or two

Once he inherits I have said I would like the house signed into both our names.

OP posts:
poppyzbrite4 · 12/09/2024 17:27

Here's Citizens Information
https://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/

They'll give you advice on custody and housing.

Home

https://www.citizensinformation.ie/en

eggplant16 · 12/09/2024 17:30

I am not in Ireland nor do I have a connection to farming. Stumbled upon this thread. I have learnt a very very hard lesson around families and inheritance. Be careful. Look after yourself get the paperwork in order.

Original poster
pontipinemum · 12/09/2024 17:30

@boulevardofbrokendreamss he paid for the shed because he works out of it. His dad doesn't use it at all.
Yes it would be partly used for the cost of a nursing home, there's something called the fair deal though which means they only take a portion of it..I'm not sure of the details. I'll never be inheriting so not something I've to consider

OP posts:
Mellowautumnmists · 12/09/2024 17:35

Even though he says "they wouldn't see me stuck"

Oh yes they would. Blood is always thicker than water.

Please take some independent legal advice.

If your husband dropped down dead tomorrow what exactly would your overall position be.

Is the life insurance policy being paid for by your husband. Do you know the level of cover?

Beautiful3 · 12/09/2024 17:50

Do you think it's your mental health issues making you unhappy? You could move away from your husband, friend and mum, then feel alone with your kids and unsupported? You say you have a good husband? I would stay with him if he was good to me and I loved him. Could you see your GP for med adjustments and possible counselling? Be a shame to break up your lovely family and support network, based on a feeling?

tealandteal · 12/09/2024 18:04

Are you certain about the Fair Deal? My understanding is that they asses how much you can afford and then pay a proportion of the fees. If you have a partner that is taken in to account but being blunt if one dies and the other needs care all of their assets would be in the pot. With a £££ farm as an asset then I think they would asses them as being able to afford a fair whack. The farm may be registered as some sort of business however.

bottleofvodka · 12/09/2024 18:12

Op,

I'm originally from a dairy farm in Leinster and all I can say is that I feel for you. Land does strange things to people and I know so many people who haven't spoken to family, even siblings due to wills and inheritance.

I would worry about something you said earlier about if your dh passed you would be looked after.. what does that mean? Would you be allowed to continue living in this house, what if you met someone... you will never be in charge of your own life as long as you live in this situation. You will always be at the mercy of the farm, your needs will always come second to the farm. I'm sure your husband has a sense of duty to the farm, an emotional tie with those who have gone before him.

Would there be an option to rent the farm for now... if your in laws are in their 70's.. they probably aren't able to full time farm. Or get dry stock that require very little maintenance... sell them in the autumn and keep nothing over winter. Would dh get a job and can keep farming part time.

In terms of the house, I would seriously consider building on the land... would ILS give him a site? Could ye build a modest house, maybe on land if there is some with road frontage away from the home place.

In terms of you, you sound very lonely. You mentioned mother and baby groups.. have you checked meet up or anything to see if there are any groups nearby... do anything... for you....