Married a farmer regret where I live now

[pontipinemum]

Basically I am from a regional town
in Munster. I married a farmer in rural Leinster.

He is a wonderful man he truly is. I've had my MH issues and he has stood by me.

But I am starting to think maybe I am just really unhappy where I live. Well not starting to think it, I've thought it a long time. I've been here nearly 10 years and I still haven't 'settled in' I've made one friend recently which is helping.

Our parish is just a church, school and GAA pitch. Closest town is 5km away with a population around 1,000 unless you are into sport there is very Little to join.

I know it's not a big town I'm from but there is a lot more going on. My mam lives right in the centre of town and I can walk to the shops/ cafe no problem.

I don't know what to do. I don't actually want to leave my husband. But idk if I can spend the rest of my life like this.

The other post about the two farmer sons made me think we are very controlled by his parents not in a spiteful or mean way but they still own the Farm and make the vast majority of income from it even though DH does a lot of the work. Which then means he doesn't do paid work. He has a trade he dips in and out of.

We also live in the "old" farm house, now it's not bad the house is about 50yrs old and was kept in good condition but we're not really allowed make any changes. When I first moved up here we were supposed to build our own home but it was decided that wasn't needed. So we pay a "mortgage" to the ILs and DH will eventually inherit the main farm plus house. I realise now this has been a stupid financial decision on my behalf. We should have just bought a house ourselves and had an asset. As it stands I've nothing now.

We have two DS who are both very young. Could I even move them 3 hours away? Would a court make me bring them back. When I was suffering with MH problems I self medicated with alcohol, this is all recorded with the GP even though I haven't drank in over a year I'm guess that would not look good in my favour.

Have you told your husband all of this? Actually stood in the kitchen after the kids are in bed and told him you are lonely, isolated and worried about the future? Unhappy in a situation where you have no real assets and the house you live in is rented from his parents?

You persuaded him to take out life insurence (very sensibly). How do you know he won't be reasonable about the other issues if you lay it on the line? Genuine question.

I can’t speak in terms of the farming situation but I can tell you that there is no way they would take the kids off you. If he’s working all hours under the sun then he can’t care for them.

@tealandteal it’s a bit complicated but at a high level the value of the farm is taken into account in assessing the financial contribution but for the first three years of care only. This effectively caps the amount of the farm value ‘taken’ by fair deal at 22.5% if owned by an individual or if both parties need care, or 11.25% if only one member of a couple needs it. It’s still a chunk of money but not as bad as it could be. There’s also an exempt asset amount and tax relief available on the payment so its possible the exposure could be even less, depending on how it’s paid.

OP you mention you’re only six weeks post partum. Is it possible the feelings could be partly hormonal/PND or have you had them for a long time?

Well he’s hopelessly naive, they are seeing him stuck. Decent parents have the discussion, have a plan and stick to the plan. One or other of you need to speak up.

To be honest, once the kids were born it should have been a non-negotiable. There are regular articles in the journal about succession planning.
You don’t even know if there is a will. If your FIL dies suddenly you guys are fucked, not to put too fine a point on it.

I hate to “out” someone on here, but OP, are you the poster who once had a thread about where a couch should be placed/room layout?

Very similar living situation and I often thought of you. I’m sorry to see that nothing has changed x

he paid for the shed because he works out of it. His dad doesn't use it at all.

^

Who is gaining from the shed??

As a pp said, blood is thicker than water, you'll get nowt.

Decent parents have the discussion, have a plan and stick to the plan

^

This.

You're basically serfs

frankly I’d rather be either of the two brothers than your husband.
my family are farmers (aunts/ uncles rather than parents) and it’s 100% not all it’s cracked up to be.

When I first moved up here we were supposed to build our own home but it was decided that wasn't needed. So we pay a "mortgage" to the ILs

this would be a no from me.
you need to put it back on the table and get building “now you have a family you need it” be a broken record and make it happen now when the 2nd is small… if you don’t do it now the window will be gone.
You can never really make this an home or properly improve it as it won’t be yours it’ll be a brothers.
But say go your own way, get your land and build… let your in laws maintain manage and let it to strangers it if it’s so fucking desirable and you build your own and get it as you like,
i wouldn’t budget on this one bit as I’ve seen more than one cousin get the shitty end of this stick with houses like this.

Your husband is a modern day slave and his parents are renegotiating which means they can’t be trusted

edit: the life insurance was a good move though…

I think you want to stay with the husband but need the other issues sorted out. For a start something needs to go into his and your names even if it is just half the farm for now until the parents die. Make sure you and he have seen the will (my father always sent us all copies if he updated his so no one had a shock later).
Then just speak to the husband about it .

You have a very new second child so I would not take any decisions yet and just recover from the birth and relax as much as you can - not that that is possible with a 5 week old baby.

@bottleofvodka I don't think I'd be very "taken care of" at all. This house is going to another siblings. And I really doubt they'd give the farm to me! I wouldn't want a farm anyway.

@MoveToParis there is will dh, parents and siblings went to get it done a few years ago. But I haven't seen it.

I used to think my husbands inheritance was none of my business and I think normally it wouldn't be. But my wage and lack of house are supporting him to work on the farm.

He does have a trade and used to work full time but took over more of the farming 2 years ago and works for himself too.

Sorry struggling to tag people on the phone. Post partum depression is def a factor but I have felt like this in the past too. But I know now is not the time for major life decisions.

Maybe I'll go to my home town for a few nights. Catch up with family

You’d be fucked if he died before you.
farmers notoriously hate land or homes going ‘out of the family’ and you definitely wouldn’t be considered that without your dh.

inheritance tax could bankrupt you when they die.

time to get that farm signed over and then in joint names.
protect yourself and your kids.

Time for you to also get a job and a career, get a house with none of your money going to that farm and make sure you have security.

I'll say it again about the house. We have discussed this plenty of times but it always ends in not so much an argument as frustration on both sides with him saying he understands but that it is all sorted with his parents. But I don't really want to live in a rental for the next 20 years.

Farming is not what it's cracked up to be you're right! So many people think farmers are loaded but we are not at all. Dh hasn't had any decent jobs in weeks and this month will be lean too, FIL is very sick so dh will do even more. So will have less time for subcontracting. I feel bad giving out about fil when he's sick.

Dh is a kind, caring, hard working and loyal man. He is a really good dad and is very involved. It's not 50/50 but he certainly does more than a lot i hear about. I came from a very dysfunctional broken home father left when I was a baby, mum was in/ out fobbing me off on relatives, emotionally abusive and sexually inappropriate step father for a few years.

Dh seemed to offer everything I was looking for. A "salt of the earth" fella

How do you go about asking for that without sounding like a complete grabby cow?

I do have an OK job in a good profession I could earn a lot more but I took a wfh job I'm over qualified for it's part time so it is nice to have the extra time with ds but maybe after maternity leave I need a high paid job for at least a while

How does the house going to sibling work? where are you meant to live?
Will they move in and force you out? nobody would buy it on a working farm or are they inheriting it purely to sell it to your DH?

How do you go about asking for that without sounding like a complete grabby cow?

You are not being a grabby cow. You are perfectly within your rights to be asking those questions in order to protect your own interests and those of your children should your husband die. Or, even should he leave you.

Anyone accusing you of being a complete grabby cow would be showing their true colours.

I have no doubt that your husband loves you and is a good father. He is coming across as somewhat naive, at best, despite that.

His family, however, is a completely different entity. For that reason you really do need to seek independent legal advice in order to establish your rights here and to strengthen you in your discussions with your husband and (inevitably) his family.

There are, and I think I saw an entire episode on Ear to the Ground about it, but I think vast numbers of people are in exactly the OP’s situation, regrettably. My friend is a Samaritan and although she’s in a city centre, all calls go through nationally, and she’s been taken aback by how many calls are from people isolated on farms. (Only for the fact that my grandfather lost the family farm, I imagine my family would be the same. It’s certainly the case with relatives.)

Anything of use here, OP?
https://www.mentalhealthireland.ie/your-mental-health/farming-resilience/

I know it’s no help knowing you’re not alone.

Maybe research farm succession planning and talk to your DH about it?

ok Suppose they live for another 20 years. Are they really expecting you to raise your family in a house you don’t own and can’t do anything with??? That’s so unreasonable. By that time your children will be gone and in college. Are you to wait for your own home until you are in your 50s?? This is insane. Time to got back to getting your own house built. I really feel for you but if your husband is such a good man and dad he will put his wife and children first. If he is not prepared to do this time to go back to work full time and create your own security. You are basically working to pay rent to your in laws??? While your husband runs the farm on their behalf for next to nothing? What his relationship like with his siblings? Would they come on side and see the injustice here?

I'm from this kind of community and have a dozen stories of inheritances gone wrong.
Your situation is really familiar to me.
Build or buy a home either to live in or rent. Either it'll leave you well off in old age or it'll be a backup plan.
I think no matter where you go at this phase of life, it takes a good chunk of time to settle. Since my little one has started primary school, I've felt a lot more settled. There are lots of like-minded women around in your area who feel the same I can guarantee you, and you'll find them if you get out and about.
It sounds like your husband is nice and trying his best and I think if he is, then it's worth doing the things above to improve your situation. A good chunk of this is in your power and I would focus on what is under your control, rather than despair over what isn't.

Your post made me think of this woman I read about who specialises in Farm Succession planning, maybe doing some research on all the possible farm scenarios will help you decide what to you'd like to do or help in discussing with your husband?
http://www.saviourassociates.co.uk/succession.asp

This situation is not uncommon in Ireland, and as much as it sucks, the Mumsnet advice of getting legal advice and thinking you can give your parents in law ultimatums will probably end worse.

I have a friend who moved down the country and she had to work hard to build a social life, but she did it. She was extremely proactive about joining everything in the nearest town. Badminton, slimming world, dramatic society...if it was happening she was there. She is very well settled now, but it didn't happen without effort.

I’ve no advice on the farm, but for loneliness is there a gaelic for mothers and others anywhere near you? Doesn’t have to be in your local club, you can join wherever. They are all so welcoming - doesn’t matter if you’ve years of experience or if you’ve never played before - it’s really about building community with women around you. I moved to a new community a few years ago and joined one. It was completely out of my comfort zone but it’s been one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself. I couldn’t recommend it enough for meeting new people. Good luck, I hope things get better for you

As you and another pp has said you're only 6 weeks post partum and it's not a time for big decisions. I work in Perinatal mental health and would suggest you speak to your GP about PND and maybe try some antidepressants or self refer to NHS talking therapies to get some support.
Sorry you're feeling like this and I hope you find your happy place, be kind to yourself x

DH has said we can buy our own house in town if that's what I want.

We also had a good discussion about what he's doing with his subcontracting and he does have his own cattle. He is extending that too.

He said his mother discussed after our first was born that if something were to happen him I would be bought a house and that our child would still inherit the farm (2 kids now) but hopefully that does not happen. I want my husband to live a long long life. I also know I'll have to take that on trust. My ILs are actually lovely people.

Dh is also going to talk to them about What happens if they go to a nursing home. They were going to sign it over a few years ago on advice from their accountant but they were talked out of it by the solicitor.

I have heard of gaelic for mothers and others and have often thought about joining but it really doesn't seem like my thing. I joined civil defence I enjoy that. I've also made plans to go for a mother and baby walk in the next town over.