Married a farmer regret where I live now

[pontipinemum]

Basically I am from a regional town
in Munster. I married a farmer in rural Leinster.

He is a wonderful man he truly is. I've had my MH issues and he has stood by me.

But I am starting to think maybe I am just really unhappy where I live. Well not starting to think it, I've thought it a long time. I've been here nearly 10 years and I still haven't 'settled in' I've made one friend recently which is helping.

Our parish is just a church, school and GAA pitch. Closest town is 5km away with a population around 1,000 unless you are into sport there is very Little to join.

I know it's not a big town I'm from but there is a lot more going on. My mam lives right in the centre of town and I can walk to the shops/ cafe no problem.

I don't know what to do. I don't actually want to leave my husband. But idk if I can spend the rest of my life like this.

The other post about the two farmer sons made me think we are very controlled by his parents not in a spiteful or mean way but they still own the Farm and make the vast majority of income from it even though DH does a lot of the work. Which then means he doesn't do paid work. He has a trade he dips in and out of.

We also live in the "old" farm house, now it's not bad the house is about 50yrs old and was kept in good condition but we're not really allowed make any changes. When I first moved up here we were supposed to build our own home but it was decided that wasn't needed. So we pay a "mortgage" to the ILs and DH will eventually inherit the main farm plus house. I realise now this has been a stupid financial decision on my behalf. We should have just bought a house ourselves and had an asset. As it stands I've nothing now.

We have two DS who are both very young. Could I even move them 3 hours away? Would a court make me bring them back. When I was suffering with MH problems I self medicated with alcohol, this is all recorded with the GP even though I haven't drank in over a year I'm guess that would not look good in my favour.

Are you me? 😭 Apart from some details, we are in a similar situation. Going to have to read this thread properly.

I honestly want to lobby the Department of Enterprise, Trade and Employment to take out the exemption for family members working on the family farm. OK for a few hours a week...but when you are like my dh and working 60 hours a week...it is just shameful that it's OK to do that for pocket money.
Sounds like we are not the only ones affected by it too.

Hannah Quinn Mulligan did an article on it last year. Sorry it's behind a pay wall but if you Google you might get it

m.independent.ie/farming/comment/hannah-quinn-mulligan-why-farm-children-are-better-off-in-minimum-wage-jobs-than-waiting-to-inherit-the-farm/a1103430593.html?fbclid=IwY2xjawI0VABleHRuA2FlbQIxMQABHbvWX05iNnS3Yzsf_k3Oz_ltampdsaoGkyzZXcIsnmjN0KGddknD7Qa8hw_aem_h1yzNz5Q1A7gnqlf_y-TwQ

Here's the archive version of the article:

https://archive.ph/dW41g

I’d move… you both can just do weekends and see each other then.

many people live separately…

Apologies I havent read the whole thread so sorry if this is repeating what others have said.
Aside from all the things that make you unhappy (the remoteness, living in a rented house, the uncertainty, the lack of friends, fun activities) do you love your husband? Does he show you that he loves you? Do you have nice times together, chats, sex etc? If so......... Id have a serious chat with him and explain what you've said here - see if some compromises could be made. Clearly one thing that would help is if you eg "escaped" once a week/fortnight to a club/activity that you would enjoy. A chance to have some fun and make friends (sport, crafts, amateur dramatics etc) I know its a cliche but its easy to see "the greener grass" and forget that actually...... it might not be all that great.

It's hard isn't it. Are you from a farm background? I do get what my husband says that one day he will inherit the farm and that is basically what he is working for.

I am from a farm too, but a completely different set up. My father handed over to my brother very early on - financially, legally etc, just keeping a bit separate for himself for retirement.

My FIL is well past retirement age and is the opposite 😥

Thankfully the house is in our name...but there are many many other issues. Feel free to dm.

@JocelynLimo It seems as though your father did the right thing. And that was exactly what I was trying to suggest for OP. I don’t understand why families refuse to hand over the reigns earlier. It’s not that difficult and it clearly can be done.

I’m from a farm background and in my life I’ve seen a few eldest sons who worked hard on the family farm for free, strung along for decades by parents with the promise of inheriting the farm, but when it came to it the Will did not reflect what the eldest sons were promised.

The worst example would be one son I knew whose father promised him the farm but actually left the farm to his wife in his Will. The widow gave the farm to her favourite son (on the agreement she’d have her day in it and that he’d renovate the dwelling house to allow her to avoid going into a home) and she split the remaining land between her three younger sons. Her daughters had been given money when they married so they didn’t get anything further from her. The eldest got nothing because his mother didn’t like his wife (or him either it would seem).

The favourite son had done well in business and was very wealthy, and completely uninterested in farming, so he sold the farm after the widow died. The other sons had all built businesses themselves (with financial help from the father) because they didn’t expect to inherit. So between that and being given land they are all well off now. The siblings have no notion of being equitable to their elder brother and splitting the inheritance. When there’s land or money at stake, some families can be very hard hearted.

My example is one from a very unpleasant family, but my advice for your situation is to try and get something put in place legally now and, if that doesn’t happen, move to your own house. You’re in no way too old to buy, or build, your own house and that will be your own wee family home that will belong to you. Living in your own house and not in someone else’s home will be good for your marriage and mental health.

OP, I don’t mean to be weird but if you see this and fancy PMing me to say where about you are, I’m wondering if you might be near me!

I’m a blow-in from Munster who moved to a tiny Leinster parish. Literally a GAA pitch, a school, and a church. I’m from a farming background so love being back in the country after years of city living, but we have no ties with the place so I’m a bit at sea because I don’t know who’s connected to who and I think the locals are a bit wary of us! It’s a lovely area and people are fairly friendly, but I haven’t really found any connections.

(I swear I’m not a stalker weirdo- your description of your area just sounds so much like mine!).

@JocelynLimo it would have made more sense for them to hand over the farm about 5 years ago. They were about to do it until the solicitor talked MIL out of it.

@UtopiaPlanitia they are awful stories! I've heard a few over the years myself. A friend of a friends family were screwed by their son. They handed over the farm. He'd been having strings of affairs through his marriage. His parents lived about 200m from where he built his house. His kids would walk over to the g.parents daily. Anyway when he got the farm. He sold the lot and tried to sell both houses too. He didn't manage to sell the houses. But fecked off to England then after. So maybe my ILs are afraid too, although of course we would never do that! And I am 100% sure DH is not having an affair.

It’s really shocking how badly some families treat each other over land and money!

I can genuinely understand why older people worry but I think they have to understand that it’s not fair to keep their adult children waiting for official recognition of the succession for the farm.

I’m sure that a solicitor could draw up an agreement that protected everyone’s rights and it’s better to plan now when everyone is healthy and able to say what their preferences are. That may become more difficult as parents get older - we hate thinking about these things but we eventually do have to face them.

If you feel you can discuss it with your husband, it might be a relief to tell him how you feel. He may also have complicated feelings about how the arrangement with his parents is working out too. He’s working very hard for them but he has his own wee family to consider as well as his obligations to his parents.

I’m not sure that letting things drift on without discussing the future is necessarily the best idea for everyone involved, I can’t imagine that I would feel comfortable and settled in a situation (like yours and your husband’s) in which I had no input over what was decided. You’re a member of the family too and you should be able to say when things are causing you anxiety.

I do wish you all the very best 👍

@pontipinemum Thank you for this post. It is a relief to see my thoughts are not unfounded or unusual.
My situation is very similar to yours - incomer to a family farm and anll that brings; I have, since my eldest DC was born, low-key worried about if the in laws out lived my DH. And even if he outlived them, whether even will we inherit.
I raise it with DH probably every other month and tries to reassure me but I’m not from this stock and won’t take it on face value!

We are now in a position where it would lighten the load for all if the in laws would talk about succession and wills and my DH’s none farming siblings but we are dismissed as with notions of we’ll be seen right and DH will be able to farm no matter what.

@UtopiaPlanitia I'm sure a good solicitor could have. DH's parents meet with accountants who would deal with a lot of farms. They advised to pass on the farm. That's what ILs were going to do until they were talked out of it. But surely clauses could have been put in. MIL is only just out of hospital so it is not the time for these discussions.

@Spareincoming it's hard isn't it!! I do remember a colleague having a bit of a discussion with me before I got married saying I need to have a say in the farm etc but I felt that wasn't my place. Well with 2 children and many years down the line now she was right. TBF my DH has been to the solicitors with his parents, he knows that the farm is in the will as his. BUT I am from a far less trusting background - even with parents! So I do worry about it from time to time. Both his siblings know what is in the will too and all are in agreement. But as we all know things can change.

Maybe I will also change my mind as well but right now my plan would be once we hit the late 60s we'd pass it on taking enough to buy a small house.

How are you doing @pontipinemum?
I hope your situation has improved.

Handing over control means some parents have no longer a voice in their own home.

@bevm72yellow Have you read the OP's posts? What do you mean?

@bevm72yellow And not handing on means that resident children have no voice in their own home. A balance needs to be struck so no one is sacrificing themselves on someone else's whims.

Elderly parents are reluctant to hand it over because 1. They will have no say on how it is run 2. If they pass on the farmhouse they live in they have a risk of being moved out of it if plans or circumstances change. 3. They will have anxiety that sons wife would divorce and take half of their life's work with her. It should be handed over over a period of time. It is unfair on son and his family/ childhood security to not have any ownership.

@deeahgwitch I'm doing good thanks for checking in :) no nothing has changed but it just doesn't feel like the right time to push anything. I feel better about it right now though.

@bevm72yellow I do get that, that they would worry about their own security. But they wouldn't have to sign it all over. We have paid them a substantial enough 'mortgage' over the last number of years. Or we could part buy them out. I wouldnt expect them to move out of their home

I’m glad to hear you’re doing well.
Big Irish hug from me. You’ll know the kind of hug I mean.
Do your parents in law have any idea how stressed you both are ?