Married a farmer regret where I live now

[pontipinemum]

Basically I am from a regional town
in Munster. I married a farmer in rural Leinster.

He is a wonderful man he truly is. I've had my MH issues and he has stood by me.

But I am starting to think maybe I am just really unhappy where I live. Well not starting to think it, I've thought it a long time. I've been here nearly 10 years and I still haven't 'settled in' I've made one friend recently which is helping.

Our parish is just a church, school and GAA pitch. Closest town is 5km away with a population around 1,000 unless you are into sport there is very Little to join.

I know it's not a big town I'm from but there is a lot more going on. My mam lives right in the centre of town and I can walk to the shops/ cafe no problem.

I don't know what to do. I don't actually want to leave my husband. But idk if I can spend the rest of my life like this.

The other post about the two farmer sons made me think we are very controlled by his parents not in a spiteful or mean way but they still own the Farm and make the vast majority of income from it even though DH does a lot of the work. Which then means he doesn't do paid work. He has a trade he dips in and out of.

We also live in the "old" farm house, now it's not bad the house is about 50yrs old and was kept in good condition but we're not really allowed make any changes. When I first moved up here we were supposed to build our own home but it was decided that wasn't needed. So we pay a "mortgage" to the ILs and DH will eventually inherit the main farm plus house. I realise now this has been a stupid financial decision on my behalf. We should have just bought a house ourselves and had an asset. As it stands I've nothing now.

We have two DS who are both very young. Could I even move them 3 hours away? Would a court make me bring them back. When I was suffering with MH problems I self medicated with alcohol, this is all recorded with the GP even though I haven't drank in over a year I'm guess that would not look good in my favour.

I'm so pleased it's worked out for you.

Be very careful, OP. Your in laws may be lovely people, but lovely people can make very harmful decisions. I've seen similar situations where wills weren't made out as promised, or older people persuaded to change them at the last moment, so all those promises came to nothing.

I would still be worried about that but I don't think there is anything I can do. I'm not going to approach them myself!

I think I will have to just work on saving the deposit to buy our own house.

That is a positive update. Hold him to that buying a house in the town. It would be absolute madness to stay in a house you will be kicked out of after spending years maintaining it and paying rent. And if your FIL is so sick and your husband is doing even more farmwork and losing out on his own income, you should not be charged rent! Of course you feel down and exhausted with a new baby and lack of support. Go home for a few days and def join in whatever groups or baby classes you can to get out. And you really need to insist on a better social life with your husband. It is essential for your mental health. A cinema trip, dinner, a night away, a family break.

Great advice here from pisters @pontipinemum
I think you should write down important questions posters have asked, the risks you face etc and discuss them with your dh in the evening when the children have gone to bed.
So many people have been promised the house, the land, security of tenure, but life and/or greedy relatives got in the way.
You really need your dh to consider what wise Mumsnetters have questioned. He will be getting a súil eile - another perspective.
You have two children to consider.
It is vital you and your dh have a plan that isn't relying on promises by in laws that can be broken.

Wishing you all the best, OP, I don't have much to add to what previous posters except to say you are right not to let things drift on, 'whatever you say, say nothing in case it causes conflict' is really toxic.

My only little piece of advice for what it's worth is not only to stay positive within yourself, but act positive and confident when discussing plans with your husband. These are your thoughts about how you and your husband and your children can move forward positively and strongly, and you're sharing them with him because you care about him, and respect his family and want to sort out a future that works best for all of you.
Your well-being is an important pre-requisite to all that happening, so don't hesitate to put it high up on your agenda.

Best of luck, keep moving forward. Come back here anytime, we're always around to listen

How are you doing @pontipinemum ?

I am from a very small parish in the West of Ireland. Like you we are a few kms from a small town. My cousins wife moved from London to the west after meeting her DH. Well she joined kick boxing clubs, a gym in a shed on a farm close to town. She joined anything and everything. She met non local girls just like her who knew no one and has built a little network. Her DH was signed over the farm yrs ago and they look after the FIL with dinner every day but he lives alone at 90. I love chats . Everyone has a story to tell. Young and old put yourself out there a bit more after recovering from the birth obvs.
Ye both need to wake up and ye are both walking blindfold into a minefield if this isint sorted. Teagasc have great advisors on family and land hand over as well as just getting advice both of ye together going in for a chat. If they are lovely people it's the mature and honest thing to do to sort their sons future and his family who has been so good.
Omg op
I love interiors and would hate not to do anything to the house I live in for 40 yrs !!!!
He sounds lovely your DH. Domt do anything 5 weeks post baby. Just as you are doing ring Teagasc and a solicitor when your baby is asleep one of the afternoons after getting DH on board.
Good luck OP

Sorry to add sorting this out now ensures family harmony and family relationships going forwards. My DH parents passed away and no will but all the siblings met Discussed the fairness of everything. All divided fairly. We all get on so well now. I love my in laws and my 3 DC get on so well with their cousin
It's just lovely.
Best of luck OP

@deeahgwitch I'm OK, I started counselling which is really helping me. There are quite a few times she has raised her eyebrows. I still would like to live closer to family, they had some nice little gatherings over Christmas which I couldn't attend. I was invited just a 6 hours round trip for a short event with 2 kids is a nightmare!

Both DH's parents are sick though right now so he is under a lot of pressure. Which then leaves me alone at home a lot more but it won't be forever. I actually came on here to do a MIL post lol

@Radyward I have joined civil defence but I'm currently on maternity leave, I enjoy it. When I first came up I went to the lady in town who does spinning/ gym classes I enjoyed it and will go back but it wasn't really good for making friends. I also joined SW/ went to community events/ went to the pub. I am a very social person and would talk to the wall. I am going back to breastfeeding group this Wed so that'll be nice.

About the wills, they were advised years ago to sign all over to DH and very nearly did until MIL got some (IMO) bad advice.

I'm glad you're fine @pontipinemum rather than still very down, but fine isn't great.
Nothing has been sorted with your in laws.
They're both ill.
What if something happened to your dh ?
Not just illness. A farm accident.
You need things sorted.
You have 2 beautiful children and you want the best for them.
Please re read the thread.
There's lots of good advice on it.
Sit down with your dh with a list of points from the posters to discuss the issues that really matter to you.
They should matter to him too.
As someone wrote upthread you are being treated like serfs.
It's not good enough.
You and your dh and children deserve better.

You probably know all this but Teagasc have these clinics for succession planning.
There's fairly big implications for transferring late in relation to Fair Deal.

https://www.teagasc.ie/rural-economy/farm-management/succession--inheritance/transferring-the-family-farm/

Might be worth your husband bringing his family to this, kind of external impartial advice.

How are things now @pontipinemum ?
I do hope life has improved for you.

@deeahgwitch Thanks for checking in :) I am doing a lot better. I have been going to the counselling which is helping me a LOT with life in general. I'm not lucky why I get it, but I am lucky that I can get free HSE counselling.

There are a LOT of things coming up where I'll be like ah ya but sure that was grand wasn't it. It could have been worse. And she'll say it could have been but it was still very bad. That's about childhood stuff. A lot of the blatant things I knew were bad - I was hit a few times (and not the wooden spoon sort - altho she thinks that bad too) My step dad did some things I knew were very bad. But so so many other things that were so subtle that I thought that some of it was just how you loved someone, it wasn't lol. My mam is such a whole other story.

I did know that childhood abuse/ trauma can shape a person but I never really saw how. I can see now that in a lot of ways I have let many people use me exactly how they wanted to. Even though I didn't know I was being used or even feel like I was being used. So then I'd be thinking why be upset over it now, if it didn't bother me then I'm only making it up that it bothers me now.

Very bad examples would be dating much older actual men when I was 15. I thought it was great, even that I was using them to get things I wanted. I can see now that a man in his 20 and makes me wince 30s dating a 15 yr old is sick.

Less bad - I've been taken for a ride by many employers.

Neutral - I haven't been taken advantage of by my husband but I have not expressed what I want out of life (apart from when I'd get upset and explode over something). I have just gone along with what he wants. In many ways what we want is the same, but in other ways it isn't. I think we can work out a balance that can work for us though.

But my unhappiness is not coming from marrying a farmer or living where I live. Or not having a house in my own name.

Jes I'd nearly print this off for my counsellor I didn't know I felt all this until I started typing

I’m glad you are getting support on here. I was proposed to many years ago by a decent Irish farmer with his own home (he built it but then stayed in the mothers house and rented his new house out 🫣)

I remember thinking at the time that it was all sewn up - I would be the new mummy you know

I’ve since married (nearly 15 years and he’s very tied to his parents values but from day one I kept myself to myself and wouldn’t live beside them and his brother inherited the farm).

I understand all the complexities of it / I really do but you have your career and lovely personality and everything going for you !

You should print it off @pontipinemum.
Anything that helps- do it.
I'm glad the counselling is helping
And you're in a better place.

Do please keep pushing for your inlaws to make a legally binding document re inheritance of the farm.
Your dh is vulnerable which makes you and your dc vulnerable too.
Many farm owners are wary of daughter in laws and son in laws/ breakdown of marriage and the farm having to be split.
In your case it is the fact they are putting everything on the long finger and their treatment of your dh that is putting pressure on your marriage.
If they could only see that.
Your dh needs to be more proactive.
Easier said than done, I know.
Wishing you the best 💐

My friends parents had a farm, though in England. She was horse mad and when she was 16 they let her use some of the land for stables then an equestrian centre. She built it up over 40 years with indoor and outdoor show jumping arenas. (I’m not horsey so may be using the wrong terminology.) I don’t think she paid rent but she and her staff were around to help with the house and the farm , as her parents became frail.

Then her parents died without ever doing the paperwork to protect her business. The brother she was close to had died suddenly leaving his affairs in the hands of his wife, whilst her much younger sister had a grabby boyfriend who could scent money. Overnight they were saying that since the land was part of the farm she had to vacate, without compensation and that she would not get back any of the significant investment she had put in.

Her parents would have been appalled. They did things on trust and trusted that their children would be kind to each other. She could have fought, but other things were going on in her life and in the end decided she not to.

The point is that whilst the parents might intend to buy a house, when they are gone it’s not them making the decisions. Siblings can get greedy and many families can get torn apart by inheritance arguments. The parents need to make clear what they want to happen. Then the husband can decide whether to prioritise his own business or. spend more on the farm. And OP can see if she and her children are financially protected or whether the husband should buy a house in the nearby town.

@alteredimage that is awful for your friend. I know it's all done now but I'm surprised she didn't have 'squatter' rights or something. DH's parents do have a will. He will inherit the farm. I suppose some of my worry when I posted this was what would happen to me and my children if something were to happen to DH before he inherits the farm. Which I obviously hope doesn't!!

I suppose it makes me review my own situation that while DH is building up the farm that he will in all very likelihood inherit, that means that at the moment we are not building an asset together. Not directly but my money is also going into building up this asset.

DH has said that he has discussed this with his parents and his mam did say if that should happen our DC would still inherit. But I didn't know that at the time of posting.

PILs + SIL absolutely adore my DC. If it was suddenly just SIL and my BIL I think they would ensure my DC would be OK. SIL would move heaven and earth for them. BIL does like them but doesn't see them much and I would worry about his wife but SIL wouldn't let my DC not get what they are supposed to.

I think a lot of this though is boiling down to my own extremely unsecure up brining and a fear of history repeating itself. When in reality my DH is a healthy 40 yr old there is no reason anything should happen to him. That 'what if' just creeps in

@pontipinemum What’s stopping your in-laws from transferring the name to both your names now instead of waiting for an inheritance that’s decades away and you and your DH essentially paying rent?

They were on the verge of it maybe 5ish years ago. Their accountant recommended that they did - any agri advisor in Ireland would recommend that they did. MIL went to the solicitor to get the ball rolling and the solicitor talked her out of it.

I do get it, and there are awful stories from the other side. E.G. farm signed over the son sells it off leaving the parents homeless. But they didn't need to sign over all. Or put in clauses to say they have the right to live there

We have a family farm in Westmeath and it’s been a pit of seething resentment for a decade already. It’s going to be an absolute mess when my aunts and uncle who own the various parts of it die. Most of us who grew up there have got our own independence so our only stake in it is somewhere to gather for family events, but the three set to inherit are already at war with each other.

my advice is to focus on your own career and independent dwelling so that if the shit hits the fan, one of you still has a decent wage and you don’t end up homeless.

@pontipinemum I understand why the solicitors did that as I’m sure they must have come across several cases where people have done cruel things like making their parents homeless. Is there a possibility that your in-laws could revisit the idea with their solicitor you and your DH and just add in those clauses? That might reassure them that they’ll always have a place to stay. At least that way, it would be truly yours and your husband’s. You could then look into investing in the property properly.

@Fibrous what a PITA. I have heard quite a few horror stories over the years. I'm not from a farming family - or a family that will leave an inheritance! So this was all new to me. In fairness it sounds like a pretty good will is in place all agreed between PILs, DH, SIL and BIL. They all know what is included in it and they are all happy with it. My own 'fear' is over what would happen to me + DC if something happened to DH before his PILs died. Then I also felt stupid because while in all likelihood DH will inherit the farm we have spent the last decade or so building up an asset that I have zero claim on.

I haven't done it directly but him doing so has meant we wouldn't have money to buy our own place. And that we continue to pay rent. Like apart from what I tell him I need weekly for bills etc he has poured his money into building sheds/ buying machines/ improving grass. All great things that when he inherits the farm will benefit us. But if he wasn't doing those things we'd have prob €200k in the bank! Or more likely own house which I would own half of.

@AllTheBestUsernamesHaveBeenTaken MIL is pretty unwell right now in hospital so it isn't the right time to bring this up. So for now it has been dropped again. But I continue to fill into my own personal savings account monthly

There are quite a few incentives around to get parents to pass on farms early. Many have so there have to be fairly common ways now of protecting the parents from anything bad happening.

@pontipinemum I think people do pass on inheritance earlier to also avoid any possible inheritance tax? Hope your MIL is ok. If the will is as watertight as you say, and I’m assuming this includes the land in which the farm and house are on, perhaps your DH should ensure his will is also secure so that the inheritance does indeed pass down to you and your children. I’m still not sure why your DH cannot receive his inheritance earlier and have assurances set in place to house his parents so that he can stop paying this “mortgage” and use that to work on the property. Perhaps in the future, he could then build a smaller property for your in-laws when they wish to downsize.

I know you say that your past experiences and own family trauma is making you unhappy, but you seem to have jumped into another toxic family dynamic.
Any family who own substantial assets and have their son working for free on a promise AND charging him rent on a house he'll never own is toxic.
Yes your DH is healthy as far as you and he know, but accidents are frequent on farms, especially as it sounds like he often works long hours and alone?
The idea that your PIL will be able to continue to farm without him seems unlikely and therefore the farm will likely go to one of his siblings. He doesn't have to have a fatal accident, he could just throw his back out etc and it could be game over.

You'd be mad to raise to young children almost single handed and have a paid job too without trying to secure your future by continuing to develop your career and invest money in your own house or pension.

Otherwise your future, not so much while you are working and have small children which the PILs you say will house, but more when you are a pensioner, who's DH or DC didn't inherit a farm where you could live for free, or maybe they did inherit but make your life hell because you have no other option but beg them to house you. Then it's going to be really miserable.

I'm just saying, you feel over the hump because you've had a reassuring chat with your DH. But don't sit back for another 10 years and be forever in this predicament.
Be more responsible for your happiness and security, don't sit around waiting with crossed fingers and praying it will all work out ok.