Should i ask my Adult Daughter to pay some money towards the household.

[Whataloadof2020]

I know theres a few threads like this.
My daughter is 22 this year. She lives with myself and my husband who is not biological dad, but had been her dad since she was 10.

This year i had to give up work and claim benefits due to poor health. My husband is self employed and earns a decent salary. But we are by no means, ‘well off’.

I initially told my daughter to pay £100 towards rent and i will put it aside for her into savings for when she moves out. She also buys her own food, only because she never eats what we eat, and sometimes she doesn’t eat what was bought in for her, so i put a stop to me buying food that i was throwing out.

So far she has not paid any money, and has just kicked off when i asked her to start.

she is a full time student, and gets a loan, as well as working part time.

she has no concept of money and sonce she has earned her own money, spends money like she is rich. There is not a week goes by without a parcel coming through the door.

I have told her that I actually need this money just now, for my own credit card bill, that i had to use while i was waiting on my benefits to be sorted, and to adapt to the way they are paid. And i would take note of how much i owed her, and would put it back in her savings.

Really I do not need to put it away for savings, but i want to help her when she does move out. But she always manages to argue the point and make me feel guilty.

She has free run of the house, comes in and out as she pleases. Uses the electricity, gas, Wi-Fi etc.
But because she HAD to have a VW polo, she has finance to pay and a high insurance.
As well as her phone bill for the most up to date iphone.

I can pay my Credit Card back, but with that £100 i can clear it quicker.

Am i being unfair?

But you said the money was to be saved for her so age would be living for free anyway.

Exactly! Taking money off of someone for rent and then saving it to give back to them is not representative of the real world anyway I don’t see what that teaches them at all!!

And as I said before, my parents didn’t charge me a penny to live at home. I got my first job when I was 13. I didn’t have to, I wanted to… my parents are still to me from a young age to save part of my money and to treat myself also they never took a penny off me. They paid for my accommodation when I was college…. And yes, I am aware that that is very privileged. But my point is, I still learned how to manage money, living at home for free or not having to pay rent in college didn’t have any negative effect on my ability to budget or live my life. Same with my brother, and all of my cousins and pretty much all of my friends.

She has £1.2K from her loan and money from her part-time job. She is a piss-taker.

So how do we know that she’s not saving? It may not look like it, but maybe she is. But as @Whataloadof2020 stated she is paying for a car and she is paying for her own food and all her own clothes, etc etc. It’s her home she should get to live there without being charged just because she has the “audacity” to go and get a part-time job alongside getting her loan.

She goes on several holidays a year, runs a car she doesn't need, has a contract for the latest iPhone she also doesn't need, and often buys clothes. Her mum, who lives with her, says she has no concept of money. I think it's very unlikely she's saving anything. Honestly, I would feel ashamed if I was her, taking advantage of my parents.

But she’s paying for it all herself! She’s not expecting them to pay for it all…now THAT would be entitled! So she’s living a little ffs! It’ll end at some point…it generally always does!

Tell her to feel free to move out!

This.
We're also only getting one side of this, from the mother with credit card debts of her own, who has had absolutely nothing positive to say about her daughter during this whole thread.

And what other side of it do you think we are going to get? She's hardly going to get her DD to post, is she?!!

I don't know why you are so disparaging of credit card debts either - half the country has them! Have you missed on the CoL crisis??!

Paying for all that herself whilst contributing fuck all to the household she chooses to live in. What an embarrassment - not even wanting to pay a nominal £100 per month. She’s a freeloader.

No, we won't get her daughter's side, and that's exactly the point.
And no, I'm not disparaging of credit card debt at all, but in the context of this post, the mother thinks her daughter should be spending within her means while in her first post OP was asking her daughter to pay rent as she had credit card debts.

Then what is the point in raising it? We can only deal with the picture the OP paints on every post?

Tel her to move out

The household she was born into!! where else is she going to choose to live? She is 21 living at home and still in education. She has a right to live in her home, she is saving her mother an ample amount of money by defending for herself, food wise, clothing wise car wise etc etc. It could be 10 million times worse. As far as I can see, she is in education, she is spending for herself in most ways possible all she is looking forward to a roof over her head until she can get her education done. And THEN when her education is complete…her mum sit her down and say darling, you are finished in school/college and you are in a job now so you can decide to move out or you can stay here for X amount a month, which would you like to do?

I've told mine to move out to fuck several times but the gets won't go! 😉

I think I made a rod for my own back...

DC1, 27, studied locally, lived at home, p/t job. Never asked them for a penny. Did a year abroad as part of degree, then did postgrad away from home, lived away in total for 3 years. Moved home for work, been here nearly 3 years. Paid a derisory amount compared to salary, but has saved up to and is buying a house.

DC2, 25, studied locally for a foundation year (aka waste of time!) and lived at home, then moved away to uni. 3 years in uni, placement year in London. Moved home, worked, didn't pay for anything, moved abroad for a course for a year with no funding so the bank of mum and dad it was - fucking fortune!!! Now back home, working min wage job, still not paying into the house.

DC3, 21, living at home, final year uni, never asked them for a penny either.

Be warned people, when they were little I never, ever expected them to be needing support for so long!!

If I had my time again, I would charge them all, and save the money up. Like the OP, mine fritter money away, and I am sitting here thinking, WTAF?

We can afford it (though it would be easier if we didn't!) but the OP could do with a dig out. I think it's selfish (and I know mine are the same!) that she won't contribute a small amount.

I think you’ve given your dd mixed messages @Whataloadof2020 , with the whole idea that you would save her contribution, and your relationship has obviously deteriorated overtime. I think you’re leaning on her age, and I get why, but given all factors she hasn’t suddenly got to this age and ping!!!!, gained maturity and financial management, and I think in your shoes I’d be taking some (not endless) accountability for that.

I find it strange that you didn’t (don’t?) know how the student finance system works and your expected contribution (and that you’re not asked for this, but it’s part of the equation). It’s typically a big milestone in parenting when your dd/ds moves into different stages of education and whilst the system isn’t the clearest, you did have a role there that it sounds like your dd has coped with alone and probably isn’t making the smartest choices about.

I think I’d focus on your relationship, and try and talk to your dd about the overall issues, with £’s as one, rather than the sole focus.

Might not be be? Definitely won't be no one has lived forever

It’s a tricky one because she is at uni …

my daughter is only 17 , so we don’t ask for board , however we do take £100 per month off her to go in her isa . This is for a house deposit in the future.

she works 24-30 hours a week , and we noticed she was blowing a lot of money on takeaways (after refusing the cooked meal) or Ubers (rather than getting the bus , that she has a free pass for) so that’s why we do it

in her defence she has paid for all driving lessons and tests , and she now buys the vast majority of her clothes

top tip - ask her the day she gets paid . Before she can “run out”

after she finishes college next year, she plans to do an apprenticeship/ carry on with her job at the same time . At that point I will ask for £100 towards rent in addition to her saving 100

if all goes to plan she will have a 10% house deposit for when she finishes her studies

if she didn’t work , I would support her though uni with room and board.

The difference between a 17 year old at college though & a uni student is the uni student gets thousands each year to pay for her living costs.

Update to this post.
Not long after the post, i think maybe a month or 2, my daughter moved in with my mum and dad.

And guess what? She still hasnt changed. My parents at first were letting her live rent free to help her ‘save’, and she hasnt saved one penny. Has borrowed money from them, myself and her stepdad. Still owes them money, so my dad has told her she needs to pay rent. They have also seen the real her, instead of believing her exaggerated tales of me being ‘always on her case’.

She will soon be moving in with her boyfriend and i hope she learns real life skills when she does, as the boyfriend sounds as bad as her when it comes to chores.

Love this!

Love what?

She's clearly pretending to be someone else applauding her own post, not realising she can't name change mid thread.