Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Cost of living

Stretching your budget? Share tips and advice to discuss budgeting and energy saving here. For the latest deals and discounts, sign up for Mumsnet Moneysaver emails.

Original poster

Should i ask my Adult Daughter to pay some money towards the household.

183 replies

Whataloadof2020 · 20/01/2025 22:29

I know theres a few threads like this.
My daughter is 22 this year. She lives with myself and my husband who is not biological dad, but had been her dad since she was 10.

This year i had to give up work and claim benefits due to poor health. My husband is self employed and earns a decent salary. But we are by no means, ‘well off’.

I initially told my daughter to pay £100 towards rent and i will put it aside for her into savings for when she moves out. She also buys her own food, only because she never eats what we eat, and sometimes she doesn’t eat what was bought in for her, so i put a stop to me buying food that i was throwing out.

So far she has not paid any money, and has just kicked off when i asked her to start.

she is a full time student, and gets a loan, as well as working part time.

she has no concept of money and sonce she has earned her own money, spends money like she is rich. There is not a week goes by without a parcel coming through the door.

I have told her that I actually need this money just now, for my own credit card bill, that i had to use while i was waiting on my benefits to be sorted, and to adapt to the way they are paid. And i would take note of how much i owed her, and would put it back in her savings.

Really I do not need to put it away for savings, but i want to help her when she does move out. But she always manages to argue the point and make me feel guilty.

She has free run of the house, comes in and out as she pleases. Uses the electricity, gas, Wi-Fi etc.
But because she HAD to have a VW polo, she has finance to pay and a high insurance.
As well as her phone bill for the most up to date iphone.

I can pay my Credit Card back, but with that £100 i can clear it quicker.

Am i being unfair?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
mrsm43s · 22/01/2025 19:45

Whataloadof2020 · 22/01/2025 19:35

Where is this £3000 coming from????

Indo not have to oay any contribution to her living costs!

She gets 11,400 a year paid in 10 months installments.

A PP said it was term time only when your maths didn't work. £1200 a month term time only means she's on minimum, indeed in exactly ados up to the min,£8400, over 7 months.

You said it was £1200 a month.(rather than the £800 a month it actually is apparently now).

Equally, you said you DH earns more than £25k, which means she can't possibly get the full £11,400.

Your story isn't adding up...

BCSurvivor · 22/01/2025 19:47

mrsm43s · 22/01/2025 19:45

A PP said it was term time only when your maths didn't work. £1200 a month term time only means she's on minimum, indeed in exactly ados up to the min,£8400, over 7 months.

You said it was £1200 a month.(rather than the £800 a month it actually is apparently now).

Equally, you said you DH earns more than £25k, which means she can't possibly get the full £11,400.

Your story isn't adding up...

Show quote history

This.
OP's story definitely isn't consistent, particularly with finances.

mrsm43s · 22/01/2025 19:49

Also, how is she an independent student, if she's been supporter by you all this time?

Who is considered an independent student?

Students who are 25 or older on the first day of the academic year

Students who have been financially supporting themselves for at least three years

Students who are married, in a civil partnership, or living with a partner

Students who have children who are legally and financially dependent on them

Students who have no living parents

Students who have been irreconcilably estranged from their parents for over 12 months

Students who are in local authority care and are irreconcilably estranged from their parents

Students whose parents are deceased or have a significant mental health problem that makes it impractical or dangerous to contact them

westisbest1982 · 22/01/2025 19:51

Totally irrelevent. She doesn't live in halls.

Of course it’s relevant. Halls or a student house, she has to live somewhere and pay for it.

Housebuy1 · 22/01/2025 19:54

westisbest1982 · 22/01/2025 19:51

Totally irrelevent. She doesn't live in halls.

Of course it’s relevant. Halls or a student house, she has to live somewhere and pay for it.

She doesn’t HAVE to at all, some students don’t pay for accommodation at all if they live near their university or if their parents pay their accommodation. It’s not a rule that accommodation HAS to be paid for that’s a cop out…she is in education and living at home.

JimHalpertsWife · 22/01/2025 19:54

mrsm43s · 22/01/2025 19:23

Well, no, some parents do disadvantage their children, but that's hardly the standard to aspire to.

It shouldn't have to be mandated, because good parents will do it regardless.

In reality OPs daughter is down £3k on what the government say she needs to live on, and what means testing calculates that OP's household can afford to pay.

OP is not adequately supporting her student daughter as per government guidelines. That's not something to be proud of.

Show quote history

It's not about intentionally disadvantaging children - it's about the government "advice" not taking into account actual costs in the household. They've taken a blanket approach based on income with no consideration for costs of that household. Maybe there isn't (in these case too) an additional 3k even available to give.

Also, how come the government is able to give an accurate figure on what an 18yo student needs to live on, forcing parents to top it up, yet it doesn't calculate a set amount an under 18yo needs to live on, and mandate that absentee parents pay that over? They seem happy to leave it as a % of income (and often time zero) and we all just have to crack on with it.

TruthThatsHardAsSteel · 22/01/2025 20:00

JimHalpertsWife · 21/01/2025 17:21

I have planned that if the dc live with me whilst they are in education I won't collect any board. Once they've finished their education, it'll be 20% of their take home wage or £200pcm, whichever is higher.

However- I am luckily not in a position where I need them to be paying board before then.

In your circumstances:-

  1. You need the financial help
  2. She actually agreed to pay it
  3. She seems entitled and selfish

She absoloitley should be paying you the agreed £100pcm. And no, you shouldn't save it for her you should use it to oay towards the bills.

I think that's the point the "privileged" are missing. The op needs it.

Original poster
Whataloadof2020 · 22/01/2025 20:05

Growlybear83 · 22/01/2025 18:07

When my daughter and son in law moved in with us last year, they bought all their own food and drink because they follow a completely different diet to us. They also bought their own laundry detergent and household things that they wanted to use which I don't normally buy. We didn't expect them to pay anything towards any household bills because I don't think having them here really had much of an impact on the gas or electricity bills etc. If my daughter had still be at university, I wouldn't have let her pay for her own food, but that wasn't an issue when they were here last year as they were both employed.

Can i ask did they move in with you after living independently?

OP posts:
Original poster
Whataloadof2020 · 22/01/2025 20:12

Right.
I see. In scotland she is entitled to £11,400 over 10 months. Because she is classed as an independent student and not ayoung student as she is 21.
Ive not been asked to pay contributions for living costs, i assume that is because she lives with us?

Also my husband’s income doesnt get counted as he is not her biological father. This wasnt the case when she went to college last time.

OP posts:
westisbest1982 · 22/01/2025 20:15

Housebuy1 · 22/01/2025 19:54

She doesn’t HAVE to at all, some students don’t pay for accommodation at all if they live near their university or if their parents pay their accommodation. It’s not a rule that accommodation HAS to be paid for that’s a cop out…she is in education and living at home.

Show quote history

OP isn’t in a position where her daughter can live with her without paying to do so. The real world isn’t representative of Mumsnet, where, to the casual onlooker of some threads, most students have two parents who’re each on big salaries, and can comfortably pay their child’s accommodation fees. Or have them live for free at home with no adverse financial impact.

Growlybear83 · 22/01/2025 20:15

@Whataloadof2020 Yes, they had been living overseas for several years and moved in with us for most of last year when they came back to the UK. My daughter had previously lived independently when she did her first degree and then moved back in with us when she did her masters. At that time, she ate the same diet as us and we paid for all her food and living costs at home. She worked part time to pay for her clothes, going out etc.

mrsm43s · 22/01/2025 20:16

Whataloadof2020 · 22/01/2025 20:12

Right.
I see. In scotland she is entitled to £11,400 over 10 months. Because she is classed as an independent student and not ayoung student as she is 21.
Ive not been asked to pay contributions for living costs, i assume that is because she lives with us?

Also my husband’s income doesnt get counted as he is not her biological father. This wasnt the case when she went to college last time.

She needs to be over 25 in Scotland to be classed as an independent student?

Original poster
Whataloadof2020 · 22/01/2025 20:18

mrsm43s · 22/01/2025 19:49

Also, how is she an independent student, if she's been supporter by you all this time?

Who is considered an independent student?

Students who are 25 or older on the first day of the academic year

Students who have been financially supporting themselves for at least three years

Students who are married, in a civil partnership, or living with a partner

Students who have children who are legally and financially dependent on them

Students who have no living parents

Students who have been irreconcilably estranged from their parents for over 12 months

Students who are in local authority care and are irreconcilably estranged from their parents

Students whose parents are deceased or have a significant mental health problem that makes it impractical or dangerous to contact them

Sorry, i just assumed she was, going on the old style loan.

I didnt know exactly her award amount before i posted this.

I now know what it is and that she is classed as a young student.

However they only take in my income and not the husband as he is not biological father.

Should i ask my Adult Daughter to pay some money towards the household.
OP posts:
GrandmotherStillLearning · 22/01/2025 20:19

Whataloadof2020 · 20/01/2025 22:29

I know theres a few threads like this.
My daughter is 22 this year. She lives with myself and my husband who is not biological dad, but had been her dad since she was 10.

This year i had to give up work and claim benefits due to poor health. My husband is self employed and earns a decent salary. But we are by no means, ‘well off’.

I initially told my daughter to pay £100 towards rent and i will put it aside for her into savings for when she moves out. She also buys her own food, only because she never eats what we eat, and sometimes she doesn’t eat what was bought in for her, so i put a stop to me buying food that i was throwing out.

So far she has not paid any money, and has just kicked off when i asked her to start.

she is a full time student, and gets a loan, as well as working part time.

she has no concept of money and sonce she has earned her own money, spends money like she is rich. There is not a week goes by without a parcel coming through the door.

I have told her that I actually need this money just now, for my own credit card bill, that i had to use while i was waiting on my benefits to be sorted, and to adapt to the way they are paid. And i would take note of how much i owed her, and would put it back in her savings.

Really I do not need to put it away for savings, but i want to help her when she does move out. But she always manages to argue the point and make me feel guilty.

She has free run of the house, comes in and out as she pleases. Uses the electricity, gas, Wi-Fi etc.
But because she HAD to have a VW polo, she has finance to pay and a high insurance.
As well as her phone bill for the most up to date iphone.

I can pay my Credit Card back, but with that £100 i can clear it quicker.

Am i being unfair?

Chores are a great start. Her own laundry as well .
Then sit down together and say it isn't going away so let's work out together what you can afford to contribute to the household.

2catsandhappy · 22/01/2025 20:25

She is really pushing your boundaries and trying to wear you down. I bet cold hard cash she actually does have the £100 all along. She just doesn't want to hand it over. If she went to a restaurant, hairdressers or nail salon she would have to pay for what she used.

Have you suggested a standing order? Or £20/25 a week cash?

You mention your df helping(interfering) would you firmly insist on being paid or she can live for free at her gd, and mean it? You say she didn't like it before.

Tell her you cannot afford to keep her anymore, she is not a child and must pay her way. She pays by Saturday or she can pack her bags.

Maybe don't use the word 'rent' stick with Utilities, wifi and tv.

Print off some alternative options for her. Room rent, house rent, house share etc

Stick to your guns and good luck.

2catsandhappy · 22/01/2025 20:31

Forgot to add @Whataloadof2020 I claim UC and I get £92.47 taken off me a month as I have 1 adult living with me.
As in that adult is assumed to be making a contribution. So your £100 really isn't too much or excessive.

Original poster
Whataloadof2020 · 22/01/2025 20:32

Anothercoffeeafter3 · 22/01/2025 19:42

@Whataloadof2020 what does she actually cost you as it sounds like she is paying 90% of her own living expenses. The government defines an independent student as >25 and I would say that's the age I would expect DS to be more independent. If he's at home between 18-25 I would still expect him to be a young adult we need to support considering the current cost of housing. I wouldn't want him to be as independent as us at 23/24.

Its just a difference of parenting.

Cost of living is more, but people without children manage.
I want her to experience living independently so that she values money more and understands the cost of living.

If she doesnt move out and continues to live without paying any money then at what point should she leave? When she finish’s university, then what if she didnt save in all that time? Do i then continue to house her free of charge until she gets a ft job? And then at what point does she move out to stand on her 2 feet?
27, 30 years old??

I dont see how that is giving my daughter the best life.

Of course anyone would stay with their parents rent free as long as the parents let them. But what happens when the parent dies??? Their 35, never ran a house and now they have been left without any idea how to be an adult.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whataloadof2020 · 22/01/2025 20:36

2catsandhappy · 22/01/2025 20:31

Forgot to add @Whataloadof2020 I claim UC and I get £92.47 taken off me a month as I have 1 adult living with me.
As in that adult is assumed to be making a contribution. So your £100 really isn't too much or excessive.

Thank you. Someone who is reading my posts for what they are.
An adult pushing boundaries. But to some i am supposed to accept it as the adult is a child.

My df would of never allowed me to live the way she does, rent free under his roof.
He has no idea of the real her and her behaviour.
She didn’t like it as there were too many rules.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whataloadof2020 · 22/01/2025 20:43

Anothercoffeeafter3 · 22/01/2025 19:42

@Whataloadof2020 what does she actually cost you as it sounds like she is paying 90% of her own living expenses. The government defines an independent student as >25 and I would say that's the age I would expect DS to be more independent. If he's at home between 18-25 I would still expect him to be a young adult we need to support considering the current cost of housing. I wouldn't want him to be as independent as us at 23/24.

The only thing she buys is her food. That is because she is a fussy eater, and when i was providing her food she would sometimes not eat it, it would go out of date and i would have to bin it. Or she would get a take away instead of eating what i bought her.

She doesnt eat same things as us, so i was buying 2 different types of meals in.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whataloadof2020 · 22/01/2025 20:46

Growlybear83 · 22/01/2025 20:15

@Whataloadof2020 Yes, they had been living overseas for several years and moved in with us for most of last year when they came back to the UK. My daughter had previously lived independently when she did her first degree and then moved back in with us when she did her masters. At that time, she ate the same diet as us and we paid for all her food and living costs at home. She worked part time to pay for her clothes, going out etc.

So if DD moved out, and it didn’t go to plan as she has no idea of running a house, i would of course have her back in the house. As she would now know whst it costs, know what parents do for their children and probably show us more respect. And that is what i want, for her to live independently to learn life lessons.

My daughter also eats different food from us, that is why i ask her to buy her own food.

OP posts:
Housebuy1 · 22/01/2025 21:45

westisbest1982 · 22/01/2025 20:15

OP isn’t in a position where her daughter can live with her without paying to do so. The real world isn’t representative of Mumsnet, where, to the casual onlooker of some threads, most students have two parents who’re each on big salaries, and can comfortably pay their child’s accommodation fees. Or have them live for free at home with no adverse financial impact.

Show quote history

So what changes from the age of 15 where they depend on you to the age of 21?…nothing technically! Only that the child is older and can earn…that doesn’t mean we absolve ourselves. Her daughter is in education. If she worked full time and was finished education then fair enough.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 22/01/2025 22:19

When did you ask her to give you £100 per month and how much has she given you to-date?

How much does she earn per month?

When does her university course end?

BCSurvivor · 22/01/2025 22:22

OP, over 6 pages of comments and replies you haven't said one positive thing about your daughter.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 22/01/2025 22:25

JimHalpertsWife · 21/01/2025 17:21

I have planned that if the dc live with me whilst they are in education I won't collect any board. Once they've finished their education, it'll be 20% of their take home wage or £200pcm, whichever is higher.

However- I am luckily not in a position where I need them to be paying board before then.

In your circumstances:-

  1. You need the financial help
  2. She actually agreed to pay it
  3. She seems entitled and selfish

She absoloitley should be paying you the agreed £100pcm. And no, you shouldn't save it for her you should use it to oay towards the bills.

But OP said she woukd save the money for her daughter, so that's gaining money under false pretences. If tge situation has changed as OP isn't working she needs to lay her cards on the table and say she needs to now contribute to bills from now on and that it's not a choice, it's got to happen.

Housebuy1 · 22/01/2025 22:28

BCSurvivor · 22/01/2025 22:22

OP, over 6 pages of comments and replies you haven't said one positive thing about your daughter.

It’s very sad, and very clear that you are full of resentment @Whataloadof2020 she is your daughter! She is still in education..for the love of god! It’s not her fault that you are in debt, it’s not even her fault that she is shit with money (taking it that’s true as you imply it is!) YOU are her parent, it was your job to try your hardest to instill that saving mindset from the beginning, not to wait until now and resent her for having a bit of freedom and start charging her to live with you because it suddenly suits you. She pays for everything else for herself as you say…