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Should i ask my Adult Daughter to pay some money towards the household.

183 replies

Whataloadof2020 · 20/01/2025 22:29

I know theres a few threads like this.
My daughter is 22 this year. She lives with myself and my husband who is not biological dad, but had been her dad since she was 10.

This year i had to give up work and claim benefits due to poor health. My husband is self employed and earns a decent salary. But we are by no means, ‘well off’.

I initially told my daughter to pay £100 towards rent and i will put it aside for her into savings for when she moves out. She also buys her own food, only because she never eats what we eat, and sometimes she doesn’t eat what was bought in for her, so i put a stop to me buying food that i was throwing out.

So far she has not paid any money, and has just kicked off when i asked her to start.

she is a full time student, and gets a loan, as well as working part time.

she has no concept of money and sonce she has earned her own money, spends money like she is rich. There is not a week goes by without a parcel coming through the door.

I have told her that I actually need this money just now, for my own credit card bill, that i had to use while i was waiting on my benefits to be sorted, and to adapt to the way they are paid. And i would take note of how much i owed her, and would put it back in her savings.

Really I do not need to put it away for savings, but i want to help her when she does move out. But she always manages to argue the point and make me feel guilty.

She has free run of the house, comes in and out as she pleases. Uses the electricity, gas, Wi-Fi etc.
But because she HAD to have a VW polo, she has finance to pay and a high insurance.
As well as her phone bill for the most up to date iphone.

I can pay my Credit Card back, but with that £100 i can clear it quicker.

Am i being unfair?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Housebuy1 · 21/01/2025 12:51

She’s a student so no i wouldn’t, but that’s me. I wouldn’t phrase it that you need the money etc…you’re money worries/reason for not working are not her fault per se.Once she’s graduated and in full time employment I would suggest she moves out or pays up maybe. I still wouldn’t even then though so no

ChaosAndCuddlesAndTeacups · 21/01/2025 13:19

Housebuy1 · 21/01/2025 12:51

She’s a student so no i wouldn’t, but that’s me. I wouldn’t phrase it that you need the money etc…you’re money worries/reason for not working are not her fault per se.Once she’s graduated and in full time employment I would suggest she moves out or pays up maybe. I still wouldn’t even then though so no

Why though? I'd like to try to understand because I really don't get why parents don't want to teach their adult children how to adult. It's not like she's 15 and still at school.

lemonyellows · 21/01/2025 13:29

I wouldn't ask for money if they are a full time student.

mrsm43s · 21/01/2025 13:36

Parents are supposed to support their dependent students offspring whilst at Uni. Does she get full maintenance loan? If not, are you topping her up as per governement guidelines? Unless your household takes home less than about £25kpa, you probably owe her money.

Bjorkdidit · 21/01/2025 13:42

mrsm43s · 21/01/2025 13:36

Parents are supposed to support their dependent students offspring whilst at Uni. Does she get full maintenance loan? If not, are you topping her up as per governement guidelines? Unless your household takes home less than about £25kpa, you probably owe her money.

She is supporting her by letting her continue to live at home for very low housing costs.

If she lived elsewhere, her maintenance loan would all go on rent. Suggesting that the OP should house her DD for free and give her money on top is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever read on here and that's saying something.

CantHoldMeDown · 21/01/2025 13:45

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Bignanna · 21/01/2025 13:47

Tallblacktrees · 21/01/2025 09:33

I wouldn't charge someone that is at uni. Seems a bit harsh.

She works part time, she’s spending money freely. Of course she should contribute. Her mother is doing her no favours .

iwillfghhjjj · 21/01/2025 13:50

I never charged mine until they left education and were in full time work

iwillfghhjjj · 21/01/2025 13:51

iwillfghhjjj · 21/01/2025 13:50

I never charged mine until they left education and were in full time work

Didn't mean to post! If you need the money then of charge but if you don't I would leave it until she finishes her qualifications

mrsm43s · 21/01/2025 13:52

Bjorkdidit · 21/01/2025 13:42

She is supporting her by letting her continue to live at home for very low housing costs.

If she lived elsewhere, her maintenance loan would all go on rent. Suggesting that the OP should house her DD for free and give her money on top is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever read on here and that's saying something.

It's also ridiculous to not give her what she's entitled to, and the expect her to pay rent out of what she's not got.

But in my world, most loving parents do encourage their children to go to Uni, top up their loans fully and allow them to live rent free at home. Loan amount (plus parental top up) pays for commuting costs, books and Uni costs, clothes and health, part time job is for spends and social. OPs daughter is already buying her own food, so the cost of her living with them is negligable.

Ohshutupcolinyoutwat · 21/01/2025 13:59

Bjorkdidit · 21/01/2025 10:01

@festivemouse 'I'm not sure you should be using your poor money management as emotional leverage'

But if the OP is getting into debt to support an adult with a decent income who's spending most of her money on non essentials, then surely it's fair that the OP asks for a contribution. The DD can always move out and stand on her own two feet if she doesn't like living at home for very little cost.

The op is getting into debt because she doesn't work.

I would never charge my dc whilst they were in FT education. She already buys her own food!

Comefromaway · 21/01/2025 13:59

Yes, assuming that she is not getting a reduced loan due to your household income she should contribute towards the household expenses. My 23 year old daughter paid £50 per week.

willowbrookmanor · 21/01/2025 14:03

You sound resentful of the car and the parcels.

I wouldn’t charge rent whilst in full time eduction but would charge once employed full time.

How much does she earn a month? If it’s £400 YABVU if it’s £1000 then perhaps not.

Housebuy1 · 21/01/2025 16:56

ChaosAndCuddlesAndTeacups · 21/01/2025 13:19

Why though? I'd like to try to understand because I really don't get why parents don't want to teach their adult children how to adult. It's not like she's 15 and still at school.

Well I’ll put it this way, my parents never charged me…and I still know how to adult, and I do it successfully.There are other ways to teach your children how to be an adult in my opinion.

Enough4me · 21/01/2025 17:09

When does her course end and does she plan to work at the end of it?

Have you checked if her loan is reduced due to your joint income (with partner) as you'd be due to make that up with a parental payment (see Martin Lewis money saving site for the information on this).

Once she's working a regular job I absolutely think she should contribute.

THisbackwithavengeance · 21/01/2025 17:18

Have you told DWP that your DP earns a good salary? I don't think it's fair to expect your DD to top up your household income if your DP isn't contributing.

JimHalpertsWife · 21/01/2025 17:21

I have planned that if the dc live with me whilst they are in education I won't collect any board. Once they've finished their education, it'll be 20% of their take home wage or £200pcm, whichever is higher.

However- I am luckily not in a position where I need them to be paying board before then.

In your circumstances:-

  1. You need the financial help
  2. She actually agreed to pay it
  3. She seems entitled and selfish

She absoloitley should be paying you the agreed £100pcm. And no, you shouldn't save it for her you should use it to oay towards the bills.

JimHalpertsWife · 21/01/2025 17:23

THisbackwithavengeance · 21/01/2025 17:18

Have you told DWP that your DP earns a good salary? I don't think it's fair to expect your DD to top up your household income if your DP isn't contributing.

I don't understand your comment. Where does the OP say her husband doesn't contribute?

Also, if she has sickness related benefits then it doesn't matter a bit what her husband earns.

socks1107 · 21/01/2025 17:24

I don't charge mine all the time they are in education.
That being said I don't need the money and they have the smallest loan due to our income. I also pay all their food and they cover travel, toiletries, socialising and clothes

snowflakelake · 21/01/2025 17:29

I suspect you are both being a bit unreasonable in this.

You are not asking her for very much money and she should want to help support the family.

You however don't seem to have acknowledged that she is a full time student and that it is likely if your DP has a reasonable wage that you as a family are meant to contributing to her finances. You are doing this in kind but it is a basic expectation that you do so.

Spacecowboys · 21/01/2025 17:32

I personally wouldn’t. Having dc living at home whilst at university would actually save us money ( if/ when the time comes) because we wouldn’t need to top up the maintenance loan. How much would the parental contribution have been if she had moved to another city to study?

LostMyLanyard · 21/01/2025 17:37

I think your error was telling her to pay you 'rent money' but that you'll save it up for her. Which is in her mind, just not worth it as she doesn't want to save 🤷‍♀️ If you need rent money off her, you shouldn't have told her that you were going to save it and give it back to her.

Time for a new chat, where you inform her that she needs to pay towards her keep or ship out! None of the wishy-washy 'give me £100 a month and I'll save it for you' nonsense.

You're giving her mixed messages.

Crikeyalmighty · 21/01/2025 17:57

Good job she isn't with me I would charge her 250 a month-it's not a great idea to let adult children think that all they earn or get in loans is pure spending money - she didn't 'have' to have a car with loans etc- she chose to do so

ThatEllie · 21/01/2025 18:08

Your credit card debt and your work/benefits situation are nothing to do with her, so you need to take that out of the equation.

I agree with others that if she is paying her own car/food/petrol/materials/clothing then I’d consider that enough.

Whataloadof2020 · 21/01/2025 18:32

I moved out of my parents when i was 18, soon realised that i couldn’t manage money. So i moved back home.
But what i learned was respect and an understanding of what my mum and dad did and paid for to keep a roof over my head.

My daughter wont learn that, until she experiences it.

However my darling father has gave her a cushion which completely undermines what im trying to install in her, by inviting her to live with them ‘rent free’.

They never gave me that grace when i was young.

OP posts: