Lifestyle shock/adjustment following separation and becoming a single father.

[PureRed1992]

Hi all,

Apologies in advance I know this is all very much 1st world problems. I know that I'm in what is, certainly in relative terms to others, a very fortunate position. I know I'm going to be judged for this post, and that's okay. I deserve judgement. But I needed to get this off my chest in the hope that someone has an idea.

That said, since becoming a single parent, my children and I have had to have a big adjustment downwards in terms of our lifestyle and I'm struggling to budget and know where to cut our spending.

This year I separated from my now ex-wife (children's mother). When we were married, we lived a comfortable life... we were both high earners in senior management roles and had a very comfortable lifestyle. We wouldn't have called ourselves rich, but pretty much everyone else did.

We went on holiday 5x every year, went skiing in the winter, drove nice cars and ate out most nights. I went for years not looking at my bank statements when I used my card, which I know is bad.

My four children (DS8, DD7, DS3 and DD 3 months) live with me full time, my ex-wife pays a total of £4500 per month in child maintenance and spousal support. I recieve higher rate PIP since having a car accident 12 years ago which left me with chronic pain, my eldest DD (age 7) also receives higher rate DLA due to her disability.

Two of my children are diagnosed with ASD/PDA (including DD7).

Now between what my ex-wife pays and my limited income from my B2L investments plus the DLA/PIP I'm really feeling the pinch. I know I shouldn't be, and I feel awful even writing this but I don't know where to cut down on spending. I'm still spending money as I was when we were married and between us bringing home 8x what I'm getting now in total.

How on earth do people survive on limited incomes? And I don't mean where I am now, people survive only on benefits.. how?

My family all live in my home country so I have no childcare at all, due to domestic violence I have an injunction against my ex wife so she's not involved in the children's lives at all. Her family all don't want to know either where before they were really supportive and helpful.

Due to their additional needs my children are home-educated and DD7 needs pretty much 24/7 supervision. I'm exhausted, and there's what feels like no help at all.

I downsized into a smaller home after we separated in a new area, I self-referred to children's social services and asked about respite care and support. They told me that they wouldn't help because my children weren't at risk and we weren't on what would be defined as a low income because I'm ineligible for universal credit. I haven't heard from them since. It feels like all they did really was give me a pat on the head and tell me I'm on my own. Which I am.

I'm exhausted, and I know I need help but I don't know where to turn if there even is anywhere to turn. I don't want to hire a nanny as I know it will disrupt the children's routine and they will struggle more even though it would make my life easier.

I've been a British citizen and passport holder for 6 years now, since moving to the UK I was always a high rate tax payer, my children have only ever lived here and are all British citizens and habitual English speakers.

Now it feels like my only option is to move my children and I to my home country where at least I have my parents and my sister to help. But I don't want to do that because I don't feel it to be fair to the kids, they've only ever known life in this country and have only visited Spain twice in their life.

Hoping someone, somewhere has some creative solution because at this rate I'm on track for burnout and bankruptcy.

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Get a nanny, your children will benefit from the interaction after that initial settling in period, given they appear to manage well interacting with tutors.

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I concur the choices you are making with the funds available to you are frankly absurd.

You can easily cut back, but can't re evaluate while you're exhausted.

Personally I would be moving home to surround my children with family given their birth mothers absence. They will need that in their futures. 💐

His time management is beyond amazing, managed to be awarded PIP after only being in the country for 2 years when settled status requires 5.

This is clearly a wind up

This is hilarious.

Top marks but you contradicted yourself in a few places.

Most notably that you’ve been going on skiing holidays while claiming PIP. Did you lie to the DWP or are you lying now?

it's always wise when you tell a story to write it down so you can refer back to it and get your replies correct.

In your op you say she gives you £4500 a month, but in another thread you say

When we separated it was agreed that she pays £520 per child, per month

If you are paying your rental agencies £1,000 a month then you must be bringing in at least £9,000 a month from the rentals.

If you cannot survive on what you have coming in, then no one can help you

Personally I would NOT cut down on the cleaner - massive lifesaver - but I would find someone cheaper. You’ll save a minimum of 25%.

I would use money for a nanny / live in au pair. Use your Spanish connections to find someone / bring someone over.

I would:

• not have breakfasts out - easy home meal but huge external expense
• unless your children are budding concert pianists I would cut out music lessons
• limit take aways/ meals out

It would probably save you money if you had a live-in housekeeper - cleans, irons, and cooks so no takeaway needed!

What a load of rubbish! He is either psycothic or compulsive liar! Every sentence contradict the previous one.

Take in living in aupair.

It is all made up lies or he is crazy. He lost me when he said he pays a cleaner for 20h per week. And music teachers 3 times a week. This alone would wipe his salary by 50% LOL

I came here as an aupair. Had two single fathers and 3 single mothers on my list.

This is ridiculous and your answering all your own questions.

Start with a budget on a spreadsheet. Your income and expenses must match.

Your real problems will begin when your child maintenance stops.

Re-evaluate why your children cannot attend school.

Making 2 slices of toast or a bowl of cereal is not harder than walking to a local cafe.

What are your long term job prospects?

It's time to make some tough decisions instead of burying your head in the sand.

Only just seen this thread but I call bullshit 💩 💩

How is it easier to wrangle four children including a baby out of the house to have breakfast in a cafe supervising said kids and picking up after them than it is to splodge out four bowls of cereal that get cleaned up by the £1k a week cleaning service?

Your maintenance alone is more than double my entire income

I was just thinking exactly the same ! Disabled enough to claim PIP yet caring for four kids one disabled and another a three month old full time. Bullshit.