Lifestyle shock/adjustment following separation and becoming a single father.

[PureRed1992]

Hi all,

Apologies in advance I know this is all very much 1st world problems. I know that I'm in what is, certainly in relative terms to others, a very fortunate position. I know I'm going to be judged for this post, and that's okay. I deserve judgement. But I needed to get this off my chest in the hope that someone has an idea.

That said, since becoming a single parent, my children and I have had to have a big adjustment downwards in terms of our lifestyle and I'm struggling to budget and know where to cut our spending.

This year I separated from my now ex-wife (children's mother). When we were married, we lived a comfortable life... we were both high earners in senior management roles and had a very comfortable lifestyle. We wouldn't have called ourselves rich, but pretty much everyone else did.

We went on holiday 5x every year, went skiing in the winter, drove nice cars and ate out most nights. I went for years not looking at my bank statements when I used my card, which I know is bad.

My four children (DS8, DD7, DS3 and DD 3 months) live with me full time, my ex-wife pays a total of £4500 per month in child maintenance and spousal support. I recieve higher rate PIP since having a car accident 12 years ago which left me with chronic pain, my eldest DD (age 7) also receives higher rate DLA due to her disability.

Two of my children are diagnosed with ASD/PDA (including DD7).

Now between what my ex-wife pays and my limited income from my B2L investments plus the DLA/PIP I'm really feeling the pinch. I know I shouldn't be, and I feel awful even writing this but I don't know where to cut down on spending. I'm still spending money as I was when we were married and between us bringing home 8x what I'm getting now in total.

How on earth do people survive on limited incomes? And I don't mean where I am now, people survive only on benefits.. how?

My family all live in my home country so I have no childcare at all, due to domestic violence I have an injunction against my ex wife so she's not involved in the children's lives at all. Her family all don't want to know either where before they were really supportive and helpful.

Due to their additional needs my children are home-educated and DD7 needs pretty much 24/7 supervision. I'm exhausted, and there's what feels like no help at all.

I downsized into a smaller home after we separated in a new area, I self-referred to children's social services and asked about respite care and support. They told me that they wouldn't help because my children weren't at risk and we weren't on what would be defined as a low income because I'm ineligible for universal credit. I haven't heard from them since. It feels like all they did really was give me a pat on the head and tell me I'm on my own. Which I am.

I'm exhausted, and I know I need help but I don't know where to turn if there even is anywhere to turn. I don't want to hire a nanny as I know it will disrupt the children's routine and they will struggle more even though it would make my life easier.

I've been a British citizen and passport holder for 6 years now, since moving to the UK I was always a high rate tax payer, my children have only ever lived here and are all British citizens and habitual English speakers.

Now it feels like my only option is to move my children and I to my home country where at least I have my parents and my sister to help. But I don't want to do that because I don't feel it to be fair to the kids, they've only ever known life in this country and have only visited Spain twice in their life.

Hoping someone, somewhere has some creative solution because at this rate I'm on track for burnout and bankruptcy.

Gosh sorry, can you maybe list out your outgoings so we can see where you can save?

It sounds tough, maybe if you can cut back spending in one area you could use that cash to pay for some extra help either round the house or with the children?

This is where you learn that living in UK if you are not a high earner is not easy. People are squeezed, and forgive me for saying so but comparing the maintenance you get with average figures for a single parent family with 4 kids ...you are really not as up against it as others.
Thinking how to not waste money,and other resources is important (and time consuming) but can be an art form. Try websites like moneysavingexpert for tips, there are good food websites etc
I wish you well, maybe make some |(OK minor) money writing a blog about the transition?

Are you claiming UC?

Agree. The two outstanding points seem to be that you need help and you're overspending. Logically, then, you need to spend less so as to afford the help!

I know what you mean about how people survive. I used to be a high earner and was mystified as to how people coped on an average wage! I found out later, when I had to spend years on universal credit. It was grim, but I quite impressed myself with my problem-solving abilities - which I'm sure you have, too.

You DEFINITELY need to start budgeting like an adult on a limited income. You'll have to be ruthless with things like holidays, cars, gifts and 'treats'. But far less ruthless than someone without your CM would be. It'll be all right; you just need to get it working.

You have too much money to get universal credit with your £6,000 plus a month - (£4500 plus your buy to let properties) actually with the higher rate dla and pip is it closer to £8000 a month?

If so even on that amount you need to budget.

Can you not get your kids into a special school in your area - do you have to home school?

With that money can you get a tutor/cleaner/nanny/housekeeper? Would any of those jobs be helpful for you ?

Op this is brutal but its worked for me. Write down your outgoings and see what you can do without. Things like subscriptions, sky TV, holidays etc. you are getting a lot of money maintenance wise, so maybe trimming your budget might help you in other departments. Good luck x

As pp said it would be good to list your outgoings as on the face of it with the PIP and DLA you're getting at least 5,500 a month which is a lot. I understand with 4 children that rent may be a huge chunk of that money.

In terms of respite it must be a huge shock to be sole carer for your children with your own and your children's additional needs. I wonder if you were able to free up money you could outsource things like cleaning and maybe pay a student to babysit now and again so you can get out.

Are all children homeschooled or are some able to go through school to again give you more of a break. Are there any special schools that would be good for your DD. I think as a single parent (I am one) you need to claw back your time where you can. Push for suitable education provisions for your DC for a start, outsource what you can, do online shops etc and find a good babysitter to start with.

I appreciate we don't know your DDs needs at this stage so do understand if it's not possible for you to leave her.

If you have supportive family in spain and the law allows it i would also explore moving home

Good luck.

If you're still spending as if you were still married does that mean eating out or takeaway nearly every night and 5 holidays a year still?

So they never stay with their mother? You never get a break??

Do a spreadsheet with your income and outgoings. Decide what to cut back on or reduce- eating out? Cheaper phone tariff? A cheaper energy supplier?

Take out a sum of cash for the week and make that the only money you have to spend that week - don't use cards. I take much more notice of what I'm spending when it's cash.

Meal plan - saves me loads at the supermarket.

Get some or all the kids into school- I can't see how someone can home educate 4 DC of different ages effectively as their needs and learning levels will be different.

Get support for the children- assessment s, ECHP , whatever they need to get what they need.

When you were working were your older children going to school?

I've been trying to cut it back but a lot of times as bad as it sounds it's easier to eat out or nip to the coffee shop for breakfast when I've got four small kids underfoot.

The holidays I've had to cut back quite a bit due to lack of physical resources if nothing else, it was easier to plan/pack..etc when my ex-wife was here to help as well.

We've been away only once since the separation, comparing the same dates last year we went away three times in the same space of time.

I appreciate that I am to blame for this problem.

I've been home educating for 3 years now when my DD was in reception, I left my role this year.

My ex-wife and I both mostly worked from home, and we usually worked opposing hours so there was always someone free for the kids. Since the lockdowns we haven't been back to the office as were 90% of the staff where I used to work.

It was exhausting, but we made it work and the children thrived for it.

That's right, and I wish it wasn't the case.

I didn't get married intent to get divorced, I got married with the intention to spend the rest of my life with my now ex-wife.

My family have flown over twice since the separation and try to help where they can but it's hard.

I wiped out my savings and paid cash to buy the house where we're living now. I consider that to be a good decision, but it's made things harder not having that buffer of cash like before.

I don't even know where to start when it comes for looking for childcare. I'd imagine most settings would struggle with DD7's needs which limits my options.

My eldest two did attend school until December 2021 and DD7 has an EHCP I applied for before she started. She had some pretty serious mobility needs at the time and walked with a frame, she's had surgeries since and she can walk for some distance now which is better. The school were either unwilling or unable to meet her needs which is what led to me de-registering the older two.

I've looked into special schools before but unless I wanted to pay £15k per term for her to attend the options aren't there for her. The local authority still feel that she should be attending a mainstream school. She's really bright, but she struggles in the school environment due to her ASD/PDA.

I have a cleaner for 20 hours per week which is a lifesaver. We would all be living in the skip with no clean clothes to wear if it wasn't for her. I have her through an agency and she costs me £20 per hour which I know I should cut down on.

We're on a rubbish tariff at the moment with the gas and electricity too. When I bought the house it came with top up meters with ovo. I'm paying £100 every week to top up the electricity and another £100 every two weeks for the gas. I asked them when I moved in to move me to a fixed tariff and they said someone would call be back in 24 hours but they didn't.

I've also given up my second car which has freed up some money, but since moving here my car insurance has doubled in cost which offsets any savings I made. This is in spite of 10+ years ncb and I have a clean license.

There's one childminder that I've used a few times when I've had to take one of the children to a hospital appointment or something and she's great but it's £8 per child per hour so for three of them it always ends up being over £100. She has the other three when I take DD7 for her physio twice every week.

Even if the others attended school/nursery the physio appointments are always at stupid times either before or after school hours.

Not 100% sure what you mean RE: the law when it comes to moving home. My children and I are all dual citizens so there's no reason why we couldn't move back. My ex-wife isn't required to give her consent per the parenting plan in our divorce.

There are at least specialist schools there that would be able to cater for my daughter (and my younger son when he turns 6) and would be funded by the province government which is what's drawing me towards moving home.

I just don't feel it's fair to move them to a country where they've never lived solely for my own convenience.

20 hours a week cleaning? You must be able operate in your kitchen. That’s a huge amount. Can you get a nanny/tutor for a bit instead.

I'm quite fussy about cleanliness but with 4 small children in the house it all piles up so quickly. There's always 4 loads of washing / ironing every day when you include things like towels and bedding as well.

The older three have music teachers come to the house twice a week, but I've always had trouble with academic tutors (Maths, English..etc).

Are you really spending £400 a week on a cleaner?

It's through an agency so I do change things around for more/less depending on what we're doing. On average my bill to the agency is about £1000 per month, it's the same agency I used when I was married.

It's been more since I've been on my own with the kids as there's so much to do and so little time to do it in.

Move back to Spain. Your DC will love it.

£1000 a month to a cleaning agency is a huge expense and needs reviewing

Totally understand you can't do it all
But to decrease cost

Look at using a private cleaner - lower than £20 ph

Consider outsourcing laundry - either someone collects or do drop off at a laundry

Look for other childminders £100 each time you use one is crazy

Taking chikdren to a cafe for breakfast is not my idea if easier - surely cereal and toast is doable.

Batch cook sausages etc so some days you just need to reheat to make a breakfast sandwich

I just don't feel it's fair to move them to a country where they've never lived solely for my own convenience.

Really? Loads of kids move countries, including myself. None of us - I know lots - have been traumatised by it.

Anyway, Spain is cheaper than UK so there's that too.

Good luck OP with whatever you decide to do.

You absolutely cannot have 20h of cleaning a week. Cut down to 10 and then to 5. That will free up lots of money.

cut the music tutors and send the older kids to school - even if the school wasn’t right for their sister, doesn’t mean it wasn’t right for them.

You are living way beyond your means and you can cut down but you need someone sensible to sit down with and talk about it. Could you ask to see the health visitor at the GP surgery? Do you have any female friends or family members you could ask for advice. I also agree with PP you would be better to love home to Spain. The children are not in school so would adjust more easily than if they were leaving friends.