Lifestyle shock/adjustment following separation and becoming a single father.

[PureRed1992]

Hi all,

Apologies in advance I know this is all very much 1st world problems. I know that I'm in what is, certainly in relative terms to others, a very fortunate position. I know I'm going to be judged for this post, and that's okay. I deserve judgement. But I needed to get this off my chest in the hope that someone has an idea.

That said, since becoming a single parent, my children and I have had to have a big adjustment downwards in terms of our lifestyle and I'm struggling to budget and know where to cut our spending.

This year I separated from my now ex-wife (children's mother). When we were married, we lived a comfortable life... we were both high earners in senior management roles and had a very comfortable lifestyle. We wouldn't have called ourselves rich, but pretty much everyone else did.

We went on holiday 5x every year, went skiing in the winter, drove nice cars and ate out most nights. I went for years not looking at my bank statements when I used my card, which I know is bad.

My four children (DS8, DD7, DS3 and DD 3 months) live with me full time, my ex-wife pays a total of £4500 per month in child maintenance and spousal support. I recieve higher rate PIP since having a car accident 12 years ago which left me with chronic pain, my eldest DD (age 7) also receives higher rate DLA due to her disability.

Two of my children are diagnosed with ASD/PDA (including DD7).

Now between what my ex-wife pays and my limited income from my B2L investments plus the DLA/PIP I'm really feeling the pinch. I know I shouldn't be, and I feel awful even writing this but I don't know where to cut down on spending. I'm still spending money as I was when we were married and between us bringing home 8x what I'm getting now in total.

How on earth do people survive on limited incomes? And I don't mean where I am now, people survive only on benefits.. how?

My family all live in my home country so I have no childcare at all, due to domestic violence I have an injunction against my ex wife so she's not involved in the children's lives at all. Her family all don't want to know either where before they were really supportive and helpful.

Due to their additional needs my children are home-educated and DD7 needs pretty much 24/7 supervision. I'm exhausted, and there's what feels like no help at all.

I downsized into a smaller home after we separated in a new area, I self-referred to children's social services and asked about respite care and support. They told me that they wouldn't help because my children weren't at risk and we weren't on what would be defined as a low income because I'm ineligible for universal credit. I haven't heard from them since. It feels like all they did really was give me a pat on the head and tell me I'm on my own. Which I am.

I'm exhausted, and I know I need help but I don't know where to turn if there even is anywhere to turn. I don't want to hire a nanny as I know it will disrupt the children's routine and they will struggle more even though it would make my life easier.

I've been a British citizen and passport holder for 6 years now, since moving to the UK I was always a high rate tax payer, my children have only ever lived here and are all British citizens and habitual English speakers.

Now it feels like my only option is to move my children and I to my home country where at least I have my parents and my sister to help. But I don't want to do that because I don't feel it to be fair to the kids, they've only ever known life in this country and have only visited Spain twice in their life.

Hoping someone, somewhere has some creative solution because at this rate I'm on track for burnout and bankruptcy.

I did see the health visitor about 3 weeks ago regarding my now 13 week old daughter. She wasn't very helpful when I asked about special schools or respite care.

I did ask her about budgeting advice, she told me to apply for universal credit and child benefit, I told her I wasn't entitled and she huffed that "you'll be absolutely fine then" or something like that.

I also made a self referral to children's social services at the council for the same reason and they were just as unhelpful, but the social worker did give me the email address for someone else at the council to vary her EHCP so that she can have a specialist school named. I did email them but they haven't responded yet.

I'm not a native speaker of English so maybe I phrased in a confusing way. When I moved here in 2010 I couldn't really speak English at all.

There's nothing stopping my ex-wife from having contact with the children if she wished, the issue predominantly is that before when the times for her visits were arranged she would choose not to attend. There's no court order preventing her having contact or anything like that and she still have parental responsibility. It is specified however that her contact must be supervised by a third party (her parents).

I wished for my children's sake that she was in their lives.

I hope this is a bit clearer.

You could start with putting your 3 year old into nursery.

If your 8 year old can be in a mainstream school, he needs to be. How can you supervise a 7 year old 24/7 and a 3 month old baby?

The separation must be very recent if there is a 3 month old baby in your full time custody. How was an unborn baby factored into a divorce settlement?

Your income from PIP and your children's benefits and CM don't affect your entitlement to UC. Your income from your properties and the properties themselves prevent you claiming UC. You have BTL investments which means you also have to be a landlord, how do you have time to do that as well? Would you not be better off selling the properties?

Change your energy supplier, you can do it online. Change your car insurance.

Breakfast of cereal and toast for 3 children at home isn't difficult and cuts back huge savings a month on coffee shops.

Talk to stepchange or Christians Against Poverty and see if they can help with budgeting advice.

Gosh, I missed that your youngest is 3 months old.

You must have picked her up from the post natal ward.

Why aren’t you entitled to child benefit?

How are you already divorced if you have a 3 month old?

You spend more on a cleaner than I earn in a month. I think you'll manage.

This is crazy bizarre, your ex happily left your 13 week old and 3 other children? You have so much money still living a rich person lifestyle and are wasting it - can you sit down and do a real review of spending?

It must be seriously hard, having zero break - but only you can take ownership of all this and change it.

Did you know that child maintenance does not count as income for child benefit purposes ? So if you think that you can’t get child benefit because of the child maintenance then I would apply. You may be able to claim National Insurance credits as it sounds like you’re not working at the moment.

You've got a huge income and you're wasting most of it.

I cannot fathom why you're homeschooling all your kids because ine didn't get on in school due to additional needs.
Put the kids that can be in school back in school. That then gives you some time back. Then start fighting for the support needed to get your other kid back in school with 1:1 TA or whatever needed for her to thrive. There's plenty of threads in here of people who can give advice on how to get the system to play ball as it generally won't first time round.
Once your kids are in school you can then start cleaning etc and cut those costs. In the meantime make sure the kids are also doing what they can to help around the house eg DS8 can clear the table, stack dishwasher etc.
All of them other than the baby can put clothes in the laundry basket and take clean clothes to their bedroom.
You need to meal plan as PP have said and have easy staples (fishfinger, sausages) which are not expensive with big bowl of pasta. Do online shops and buy in bulk and buy value ranges. Don't get ready meals or things like that.
You should be able to do this but having a 3 month old is not straightforward so I'd focus on getting kids back in school so you only have 1 to deal with during the day

You're wasting a fortune on a cleaner, on takeaways, on eating out, tutors.

FGS stop! You're getting over £1000 a week! You have no mortgage or rent.

It sounds like getting education that meets your children’s needs so they can attend school is crucial here, and you are unfamiliar with the complex system. You could contact IPSEA or SOSSEN for advice. Some parents are successful in disagreeing with their local authority and securing a different school or different support for their child.

Wait. Your youngest is three months old? And your wife is paying £4500 pcm cm? How soon after birth did she go back to work? How long have you been separated?

This all sounds very strange.

She went back to work about 16 days after our daughter was born, she was the same when our older children were born and I always took the longer leave. I took 6 months from work after our eldest was born for example, and around the same when the others were born.

We were intending to separate for a while before we actually did, the situation towards the end wasn't great but we were always amicable and sat down together to decide what was going to happen. I was waiting for the purchase to complete on the new house for a couple of weeks so it's hard to define exactly how long we were separated.

I'd say that the relationship came to an end towards last Christmas, but it took a while to arrange everything and decide what was going to happen. It was at that point I started sleeping in the guest room. We actually moved into the new house about 8 weeks ago.

There wasn't some big explosion where one of us left in the middle of the night, the whole thing ended with a handshake. Since we separated she's seen the children twice.

My children are thriving for home education which is one positive that I can cling to.

The decision for our eldest to leave school at the time his sister did was driven both through the desire to give him the best opportunities which we felt home education would be, and through our circumstances at the time.

We lived in a rural area before and it was 10 miles drive to the school where they attended, they only attended that school in particular because it was the nearest.

The logistics would have never worked taking him to school in the morning with DD in tow.

the situation towards the end wasn't great but we were always amicable and sat down together to decide what was going to happen.

due to domestic violence I have an injunction against my ex wife so she's not involved in the children's lives at all.

does the second comment not contradict the first one, or vice versa...

We were planning to separate for a while before we actually did, there was no explosion, neither of us left in the middle of the night.

Before we actually split for good we knew exactly what was going to happen and when, times and places were arranged for the children to see their mother.. unfortunately she hasn't kept up her end regarding contact but that's another matter. For the most part we were always able to reach a decision together, we went online and filled in the parenting plan together rather than going through court.

I had to go to court for the non molestation order however that was only after I moved out with the children.

I'm lucky with the properties that I have a good estate agent, I've built up the portfolio over the years as I didn't make any additional contributions to my pension. They're my retirement. In the now the estate agents find the tenants manage the flats once the tenants are in so it's pretty hands off fortunately although I'm loosing over £1000 a month in estate agents fees.

The mortgages are interest only though on the flats so if I was to sell I wouldn't get much. Right now at least they're giving me an income.

"There's always 4 loads of washing / ironing every day when you include things like towels and bedding as well."

Can you reduce the number of washes? No school uniforms, so unless there are incontinence issues I suspect you can cut down (baby excluded obviously).
Most ironing is unnecessary. (I speak as a lifelong ironing addict, gradually breaking the habit - it's liberating!). Both washing and ironing contribute to your huge energy bills. Reducing them will reduce your outgoings and give you some time back.

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I doubt the credibility of this but come on, you have well over £4,500 income per month with no mortgage or rent.

If it's not working, it's because you are making ridiculous choices with money.

There isn't 20 hours of cleaning in anyone's house. £1k per month is absolutely ridiculous.

Breakfast can be cereal or toast. Very little cost or effort.

You need to draw up and budget and stick to it.

If you can't afford it, don't spend it.

There are many women singlehandledly raising 4 child on far less money and no cleaners. It may not be easy but they manage.