Disabled self employed and working all I can

[HouseElf2]

So I work 40-70 hours a week and pay all the utilities etc. My partner took a care job and from working 5x3 hours now works 1x 24 hours sleeping care work and claims that the agency for other jobs doesn't call.

I simply can't find any more money as £500 in heating oil and food and utilities leave me with nothing.

I have explained that where as I could pay all the bills before, it's not possible.

I have explained that 4 days a month and zero contribution doesn't work and they should look for more work and contribute.

I have explained if we split that there wouldn't be any more than I currently pay as HMRC record shows I don't make any more.

I'm at my witts end as partner underemployed and doesn't see I can't pay any more. A dose of reality would help and maybe they need to move out to learn value of money.

I feel the children should stay with me or go with partner and experience reality of having to pay something.

I'm not sure how to sort this as simply financially it doesn't add up and the pressure of expectation of me to pay everything is impossible.

I feel they are free wheeling as I don't see any contribution to any bills and its making me ill trying to pay everything

Also OP if you are disabled you should be receiving PIP. Have you applied?

My partner moved in 2000's with me from parents house and I was fortunate that at the time generally bills etc were manageable and my dad when he was alive helped out some in period DWP ditched me-sadly he is no longer with us.

In 2013 I have a doctors letter saying I would never work again and 2014 DWP and council pulled rug from under me.

Since 2014 I have done a work for a family member a few hours a week refurbished and sold things, sold things on gumtree and eBay.

I have tried to explain to my partner that the exponential rise in every thing- I just cannot see how to increase income.

I did think of seasonal work, but who is going to want fibromyalgia, muscular skeletal problems, waiting for operation due to mobility and bouts of chronic diarrhea?

I think if partner left then home would still be mine as never paid any of the rent, utilities etc and partners never been on electoral roll. Think partners driving licence and catalog bill registered here🤔

Hang on so if receiving PIP also already, then there is the self employed income plus your micro business. How much is rent? It sounds lile then if your partner got a full time job you'd be fine? Kids are teenagers so no childcare. So what is the issue? She just needs to work. If she won't you, kick her out.

Go back to DWP and appeal.

Ditch the "partner".

Apply for fully remote working roles that will earn you a proper salary.

It’s a good point but reading between the lines, I don’t think OP has LCW status with UC if they’re being invited for jobcentre appointments. Jobcentres haven’t seen claimants with LCW/LCWRA in person in a while, and people with this status can never be sanctioned (it’s a switch off in guidance) whereas OP said they were sanctioned.

So the tenancy is in your name?

I would start by seeing a family law solicitor.

One of my team is in a similar situation to yours, medically. She does 5 hours a day, fully remotely from home. I would employ someone like you if you had administrative skills and a good telephone manner. There are increasing numbers of jobs like that. But worry about that once you’ve sorted the immediate issues out. January might be a good time to job hunt.

Universal Credit will top up your income until you’re in your feet and it doesn’t cause the huge overpayments that tax credits so often did.

Don’t be afraid of the DWP. Their disability advisors are apparently quite helpful.

Both children are secondary school age and ours, I have no access to partners finances so no idea of what is earned.

It was agreed that part time 5 days a week and a care worker shift to pay towards things.

This has now been wheeled back to one care work shift a week because it covers partners expenses. The rest of time partner seems camped out during day at parents house or at friends house.

However when pointed out that all the bills have risen dramatically-totally ignored / stonewalled.

Partner some washing up and clothes washing. I end up spending weekends cleaning doing washing etc for hours at a time

Having no details about her finances is a bit of a red flag if your household is struggling. There could be ways she could cut back for example

You might be right @200degrees I read it as a long ago DWP fracas but maybe not. Was it long ago OP?

I can see why you think she’s setting you up of planning something. I’d get your plans moving.Do you want to split?

It is decidedly odd to ignore or stonewall your partner when they tell you that heat is unaffordable for the coming winter. I’d have all the bank statements out, bills, spreadsheet, calculator, penny jar… the lot, in two minutes flat if someone told me that.

Exactly. I wouldn't trust her at all.

This is not normal behaviour.

The house is yours.
your aren’t married.
she leaves.
Children stay.

Short term claim for UC, and if not already child benefit. After whatever the period is start submitting gps notes.
Claim council tax discount

Long term look at how to improve income
Claim maintenance from her.

There's very limited options here.

You need more money coming in or less money out. Ideally both.

If you partner doesn't contribute and won't increase their ours, they leave.

You can apply for benefits, I understand past experiences make you not want to. But the other option is to get employed remote working.

That's really all you can do.

What’s happening with your universal credit claim then?

If it’s open but on a sanction, ask for a mandatory reconsideration.

if it’s closed, make a new claim.

in either case you need to add fit notes on your claim to get a work capability assessment so do get a GP appointment booked in.

if she literally isn’t doing anything at home, can she help with your business? You’re obviously overworked doing all the admin, can she pick up some of that work to stop you feeling as strained?

also some bill providers have special schemes for those on a low income or otherwise vulnerable- check if you’re eligible

I have been self employed 8 years and I was lucky that until the world went mad I could make ends meet within what I could manage.

I feel like the home treated like a hotel and at approximately 40 years old partner should not expect some outdated husband and wife situation.

I believe financial, cleaning, childcare etc should be equally a joint effort.

My prior experience with DWP traumatised me as they were vile, sadly the local MP has changed.

Remote working, I'm not sure how this would work with health conditions- what type of work would this be.

Currently I have been burning fence post off cuts in evening for heat and weather mild so far

Just a thought - is your partner considered a carer for you? Maybe she can claim carers allowance

Our doctors pulled up as failing by CQC, when I tried appointments not offered.

The problem is with trying to get things done a million excuses, partner bad tempered. I feel a dose of reality wouldn't hurt.

As an example when the weather was fine, until I disabled tumble dryer- few clothes dried in it with total disregard for cost. I pegged washing out as free and cheaper.

I'm not sure how you get someone who pays nothing and expects everything free to contribute?
I don't want disruption for children and wouldn't see them go short.

Partner has zero interest in helping with anything related to household or income or working out tax returns etc.

I'm at the point I half hope partner bails to parents and after a week gets a shock that everything not free.

Currently I'm moaned at that no tumble dryer, I light a stove on free wood and an airer which dries clothes. Unless I feed stove wood it is left to go out and moans of turn the tumble dryer on- the discussion about how to pay for it ignored.

I'm not sure how to prompt someone who won't in an adult way sit down and say this is income and this is outgoings?
I've tried the tumble dryer off and a clothes horse.
I'm keen to to do anything that impacts children.
I'm out of ideas as all the bills in my name and no consequence to partner.

I'd be all ears on how to deal with explaining that the situation is food and energy inflation has reached a point I have no more to cover them.

I have tried to explain chores and that children should contribute, I would say 14 old enough to do some small things-get told their children leave them be.
I have tried going on strike cleaning and it just ends up filthy-so that didn't work.

Would citizens advice deal with some of the issues? Could I email them as face to face plain embarrassing.

Thanks for comments, I have to go to sleep as out in morning and realise time.
Also partner can look through my phone, even though I haven't a clue about what is on theirs as locked and not particularly interested in it.

Not keen to disrupt children, not sure how to edit.
Don't know about carers allowance, wouldn't want to get into trouble for it and wouldn't see any of it if partner claimed it-for all I know may already be claiming it- not a clue on what finances partner has as statements opened and burnt and I wouldn't open mail not addressed to me.

I wonder if she has already checked out of the relationship as she only seems to be around when the dc’s are.

She wouldn’t be the first nor last person to not want to dump someone with disabilities.

She might also be doing all of this as a way to make you pack up and go. So many still believe in the fallacy of common law marriage in England 😂

Tell her it’s time for her to go. She has no interest in helping to provide for the family she is also responsible for. She is willing to neglect the children by living in a shit hole.

Short term the dc’s stay with you. However as they are teens they may decide to go and live with her. Support them in their decision and they stay in contact with their absent parent. If they leave with her it might only be temporary as some do realise for themselves how shit one of their parents are.

She won’t be homeless. Not that this is your problem she can go and stay with the family she hangs out daily with.

Yea do get advice from somewhere like CAB who will be able to support you claiming any benefits. Would also ask them if it’s possible to find out if someone is claiming carers and get help putting a stop to it.

From what I can gather.
partner I think is getting £300 a week. When they did agency another £200 a week- which they don't want to do now

Child Benefit for 2 children-not sure how much that is.
From this I have received zero monthly towards bills with requests to help and excuses as to why xyz isn't possible.

Had a look at indeed and some positions that possibly I could apply for.

From what people have said it seems I am being manipulated by partner and it isn't a healthy situation.

I have decided to contact citizens advice as the situation cannot continue- but I need ramifications clear before I act.

Partner ignored childs request to say goodnight at 11:45pm
2am on a mixture of drugs and drink they wanted to drink a pint of water and 5 or 6 cans of cider in fridge-explained this not ok.

In the morning youngest explained they were worried about behaviour, accused of coaching them when I said nothing.

Repeat performance this evening, can't handle this and told partner to leave or I would call police.

Gutted

It sounds like there a few issues going on.

1. Your relationship doesn't sound healthy which you obviously know, thinks might feel clearer for you if your partner leaves.
2. You need to make an appointment with CAB or similar to check you are claiming what you are entitled to. UC and PIP. You could continue with your bits of work as there is some permitted work.
3. Work-if you are managing so many hours now, there is no reason you couldn't manage a p/t fully remote job, jobcentre could help with this, but I would start by just getting on the benefits you are entitled to.

I dearly love my partner and the children.
I can't get through to partner the behaviour is destructive and a re run twice in 2 days simply no regard for children and couldn't continue.

I'm concerned that I tried my best to do all I could to provide a stable home environment- maybe I could have done better, but I believe I gave it 100% with what I knew prior in trying to keep family fed, roof over our heads etc

I managed to not drown in debt, don't gamble and don't take recreational drugs.

My youngest is heart broken.
I called partners Mother and explained drink / Drugs issues and zero effort towards the household- told me that I was responsible financially for everything.
(which explains warped ideas)
Wanted to make sure she arrived safely as unsure to amount of drink she may of consumed.

Earlier today taking to couple of her friends, they expressed concerns that the behaviour is due to controling coercion of a particular female person in her friends group.
This person she spent 2 days celebrating a birthday with and explains some of the very odd behaviour and lack of remorse with our youngest child distraught.

I'm worried about her mental health as she awaits an operation-it doesn't excuse the alcohol fuelled outburst, 2 evenings of parties and youngest kept up into small hours with a match today.

I don't see any point in any nastiness that could be used against me or children.

We can't change history, but we can try to make better choices in the future.

Looking at situation a person can only change if they want to, maybe a separation will help as then not directly in same area as coercive individual.

I don't want to be the one who makes it worse, I'm going to speak with citizens advice see what they say.

Ideally I hold out hope for family together-however this might not happen and I understand that.

Gutted