Telling dh about secret debt

[Finallycomingclean]

Over the last several years we have run up debts by overspending and I havent told DH. For several years I didn't work as I was at home with the children but we didn't budget well enough. Then for years after that i had an unreliable income. It was general overspending then debt consolidation loans and I'm in debt to the tune of 26k. It is all in my name.

Between us we now earn £4k per month on a set wage. No mortgage. We have money which is in savings in both of our names (several times the amount of the debt) that has been classed as our pension so I didn't feel we could dip into it. I know that we could pay this debt easily if I can just be honest with him.

I've had enough and I need to tell him. We have problems with communication and I must admit I've been in debt before and paid it off. We've almost split for other reasons over the last couple of years linked to his mental health issues which lead to emotional abuse/ porn addiction and controlling behaviour and we've been making progress, but if I don't tell him this then there's no hope for us. Now that he's working on these things I feel I can finally be honest.

I've written him a letter. He's out just now but I'm planning on giving it to him when he gets home. I'm bloody terrified.

What was the controlling behaviour / porn issue?

Have these issues been resolved fully?

Well done for your honesty OP! So pleased your DH reacted well

Well we all have our difficulties. He has to cope with your debt issue just as you have had to cope with his anxiety, emotional abuse and porn addiction.

No one's perfect.

I think you do deserve his response because you have been similarly committed to him in the past.

That's a mature partnership I think.

You must feel like a couple of weights have been removed from your shoulders.

Next step is open communication between you both, plus financial transparency. Time to sit down together and put a spreadsheet together showing all your finances, including one off costs as well as regular ones plus future costs plus contingencies. Good luck to you both. 🌹

Thanks everyone. Yes his issues have been resolved now, though mental health may always be tricky.

We've decided to speak to our financial advisor about paying it off from savings, closing all credit products and then starting saving again. DH couldn't have dealt with it better and I'm so glad I spoke to him. I don't think it wouldn't have been as positive if I had been caught out rather than telling him.

Hi OP,
I think you absolutely deserve the good response from your husband. It sounds to me like you were shouldering all the finances while his mental health was rough and when there isn't enough money that is tough!

Knowing that a holiday, a leisure activity or a takeaway at the weekend will lift the spirits but knowing it has to go on credit has been stressful for you.

You have steered the ship and weathered the storm. You have got through maternity leave, unreliable income and family mental health issues and are now in calm blue waters. You have enough savings to pay off all debts and enough income to live within your means going forward. Who knows if you would all be where you are with earnings/mental health if you had kept your purse strings tightly closed and no treats.

I think your husband should be thanking you! You have done a great job.

Exactly what @Winter2020 said. You did good, well done! You're both now in the know and on the same path working towards the same future, not sure you could've wished for a better outcome. All the best

Well done OP. It is always best to be total honest with your partner. You took on the financial strain whilst he had MH issues and now he is recovering he can help you with budgeting. Don't be tempted to splash out at Xmas. That is one time people go into debt more easily.