Emotional spending-just told dh and I'm going to crack it.

[BigBirthdayGloom]

We're okay financially-I don't work but dh's income is fine. We have left ourselves fairly right after investing heavily in our house but still enough for food, basic clothes, children's activities like music lessons and sports.
There's not much left for little spends that we used to have like mags, meals out, clothes, books and I hadn't realised how much I spent for emotional reasons (bored, stressed, happy, you name it). Not vast sums but fairly frequent.

I've really struggled with cutting back and found ever more cunning ways to hide small spends from dh. But we've had a financial heart to heart today and I know it has to stop-we took out a loan to cover the last of the things we bought for the house and he hasn't paid off a card we agreed to and, as I suspected its because I overspend and he's worried to pay off the credit card til things are more sensible.

Anyway, I've given him my card (debit) and going to really, truly go cold turkey on this. We could go under for the sake of crap that I don't even want.

Anyone else? I feel really stupid but hope that now I've told dh I'll be more likely to succeed. And going to avoid shops like the plague. Just hoping I can put something in its place. It's like an addiction.

[BigBirthdayGloom]

A very rainy but free day here. Had friends over for the morning and did crafts and Lego then an indoor picnic. Then dodged the raindrops for a trip to the woods this afternoon. Food from the freezer this evening. Going out this evening, but just to friend's house for a cuppa and a chat. I don't intend to make frugality the aim, although that helps, but I'm just associating fewer and fewer activities with the opportunity to spend. I'm hoping I can make it last past the end of the holidays.

[BigBirthdayGloom]

collie it's a killer for me whenever I can find a strong reason for a new avenue of spending.

[BigBirthdayGloom]

Pants. Went to supermarket to pick up biscuits on way to friend's house. Don't know what came over me but bought magazines. Plural. I feel really cross and disappointed. I wasn't even feeling stressed. Had had a lovely day. Feels almost as if I sabotaged it on purpose. Tomorrow is another day, I guess.

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

Pretty much. I think it's a "day at a time" thing. I do think for me I need to stay away from the laptop and the shops. lol So I guess that means focus on cleaning my house! I'll have the cleanest house ever at this rate!

[BigBirthdayGloom]

Yep-I'm meant to be cleaning and sorting instead of spending and it works for me-mostly! I guess I just have to read and enjoy the mags and focus on how well overall the last month has gone. I think I have to put going out for the evening as one of my spend triggers. I also think it was a bit of "I've done so well I deserve a treat - doing the thing I'd been doing well to avoid. Go figure!

[BigBirthdayGloom]

Also-going to make it an opportunity to recover from a blip and not a chance to spend more- "ah well might as well not bother about spending now..."

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

definitely - I find that hard - once I've messed it up, I often think - oh well, too late now, instead of "alright, move one, do better now"..

I think I need to stop myself from looking to treat myself for avoiding spending the money. The reward should be having more money in the bank - seeing the savings grow - knowing I have the money left over. But realistically speaking, I know it sometimes motivates, so there's a struggle there.

I do need a new sewing machine. Next time I'm tempted to spend, I'm going to put that amount I was going to spend into a separate online savings account. If I do that every time, I'll have the money put aside for my new sewing maching - reward, I get to purchase something, but I've saved for it and it doesn't mess with the budget. Win-win.

[BigBirthdayGloom]

Perfectionism is my nemesis. Perhaps last night gives me the opportunity to start dealing with that. It's amazing how much I find out about my personality just by zoning in on spending.

I think I need a budget, however small, for money I can spend. Dh and I share money completely and have the same overall philosophy on money which is that we've invested heavily in our house but have very little leftover disposable fun money. Long term that's perfect for me as it limits frittering. Short term I find it very difficult. Dh copes okay without treats and small spending. As this thread shows, I don't cope so well. And he's always struggled with the idea of us each having a bit of trivial money that's ours to do with as we want. He doesn't monitor spending or question day to day. He just thinks if we need it we should buy it from joint money and if we dont need it don't spend. Trouble is, our definitions of need have been different!

Got to find ways of stopping me spending - think I'll start taking only the cash I plan to spend that day.

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

BBG Would it help to put your available spending money into cash for the month, then split it into envelopes per week? So if you have £40 (just as an example) per month for spends, then £10 in each envelope and when it's gone, it's gone. I tend to spend more online, so for me it wouldn't work, unless i had a separate basic account that I put a certain amount in each week for spends.

[BigBirthdayGloom]

It might very well help. At very least, if I were tempted to buy a magazine I'd see the chance of a new top whittled away.

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

I'm trying to start some new habits in September, that'll be easier to keep spending down.

First thing? Kindle books can be a downfall for me, as you don't really SEE the money/book exchange hands IYSWIM. So a weekly trip to the library while the dcs are in school is in order, I think. Quiet browsing without trying to round up the dcs. And it's walking distance from the house, so no paying for parking. Kindle books are now restricted to free until further notice.

I want that sewing machine, dammit, so I need to save up my stupid spending to pay for it.

[BigBirthdayGloom]

Welcome ladyintheradiator. How are you getting on? I found the first few days really tough. I had real cravings to spend and it's a hard habit to break. But it's possible. I had a silly moment a couple of days ago, but apart from that, it's been a month since any real spending associated with "aargh-strong feelings, must spend!". Helps me hugely to post on here (as you can probably tell .

New habits are a good plan, Alice. I've got to get over the fact that good habits involve more effort than bad, instant fix ones like spending. I'm going to carry on reading books rather than mags. Was with a friend the other day and realised that books give you stuff to talk about, whereas excessive magazine reading is a bit embarrassing. And books, been if I pay to reserve at the library or buy the odd one or two, are so much cheaper and last longer. I'm going to start walking too. Running possibly. And no more.

Uneventful spending day. I've got a cold and dh took the children out while I slept. But no spending!

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

Autumn is always a "new start" time of year for me, so I'm looking at what new habits I can introduce to help me with this. I'm going to make a list and then whittle it down to the most feasible.

[Chatelaine123]

OP, I can't do other than suggest some spiritual education, please don't flame me but I believe in God and accept that we are designed to be happy. Dissatisfaction is such a corrosive emotion and from your comments I get the impression you instinctively know there is something better which money cannot buy. Best wishes.

[BigBirthdayGloom]

Oh ladyintheradiator your paragraph about triggers just sums it all up. I giggled in recognition, especially the vase of flowers bit .

Another day out today with successful spending-ie not much and none associated with spending. Did three London museums and didn't visit any gift shops. Hardly a peep out of the dc and three half hours saved to actually see the museums. Did have ice creams and coffee and cake but brought lunches and went up in off peak time.

Getting the hang of not spending - just keep reminding myself it'll be harder in term time.

I'm not quite sure what to make about your comments, chatelaine, but didn't want not to respond. I appreciate the thought and kindness in making them. It's not usually my style to talk about religion and spirituality on mumsnet so I'll leave my beliefs to one side here too.

[CheerfulYank]

Can I join? I need help!

[BigBirthdayGloom]

Absolutely, cheerful, welcome! Grab a free waitrose coffee and join in!

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

welcome cheerful

I'm okay regarding spending when the bank balance is right down to nothing (obviously, as then there's nothing to spend), so I think that initially to break bad habits, I need to keep the balance low - such as transferring it out of the current account and into a savings account.

[missedmebythatmuch]

I sell things on eBay, and anything in my Paypal account is mine to spend on whatever I want.

I cycle things in and out of the house and go through phases. Not having bought one for years, I've bought four rings in the past fortnight.

But that's fine, they were paid for by selling some old furniture we didn't use anymore.

I do find that selling something gives me the same dopamine hit as buying something. Aside from the DCs saying "I love you, Mummy" , the best sound on earth is that cash register cha-ching sound my phone makes when someone bids on one of my listings!

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

Lady can you transfer it to a savings account? That's what I'm going to do. I'm hoping I'll have the willpower not to transfer it back here and there. But at least then it's nearby in case of actual emergency.